A Place to share/write whatever we’re working on: Worldbuilding, plot, etc

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  • #138314
    Esther
    @esther-c
      • Rank: Chosen One
      • Total Posts: 3460

      @freedomwriter76

      Yeah, Ami is so sweet!!!! ❤️❤️❤️(ahh…the poor dears! ❤️😥😅😂)

      I know!! 🥰🥰

      Yeah… But ya know, I guess it has to happen once or twice when you’re being chased by the government. 😂

      XD

      (I mean…there’s not a whole lot of people left…it’ll probably be the sequel…but…I mean…maybe someone can go…😅😂 But I don’t need ANOTHER charrie kidnapped, okay!? XD)

      Lol XD

      I shall leave them un-kidnapped…

      for now…

      (but if they have to die for him to get a redemption then… maybe I’ll let them die 🥲😅😂)

      Awwww, thanks girl!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️ (it’ll probably be less when I make the text size smaller to be an actual book size text…but I need to be able to read it right now, lol…) Woo-Hoo, 19,000 words on the second draft is epic!!!! (this is technically not first draft…but it’s the first draft I’m satisfied with, lol! XD Riker’s about to meet/soon join the Violet Iris’, mwahahaha…😏)

      Yw!!!

      Thanks!! 😄

      Lol XD

      Ooooooh… What are the Violet Iris’??

       

      Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende

      #138315
      Anonymous
        • Rank: Chosen One
        • Total Posts: 8156

        @esther-c

        I know!! 🥰🥰

        Yeah… But ya know, I guess it has to happen once or twice when you’re being chased by the government. 😂

        ❤️❤️❤️

        Lol, true XD

        Lol XD

        I shall leave them un-kidnapped…

        for now…

        (but if they have to die for him to get a redemption then… maybe I’ll let them die 🥲😅😂)

        (Glad you see things from my perspective. 😎XD)

        Yw!!!

        Thanks!! 😄

        Lol XD

        Ooooooh… What are the Violet Iris’??

        Yw!!!!! ❤️❤️❤️

        They are my underground Anti-Nazi resistance group!!! They’re local, mostly only in the area/town Riker is in/works in, and the leader is Ezekiel Gessner, a pastor of a local church. 😉

        Here’s the main members of the Violet Iris’, all on a character board!!! 😏: (some come at later points, but at some point they’re all together! 😁)

        #138365
        Esther
        @esther-c
          • Rank: Chosen One
          • Total Posts: 3460

          @freedomwriter76

          Yw!!!!! ❤️❤️❤️

          😊

          They are my underground Anti-Nazi resistance group!!! They’re local, mostly only in the area/town Riker is in/works in, and the leader is Ezekiel Gessner, a pastor of a local church. 😉

          That sounds so cool!!

          Here’s the main members of the Violet Iris’, all on a character board!!! 😏: (some come at later points, but at some point they’re all together! 😁)

          There’s ma boi Fin!!! 😆 (He’s so awesome!)

          I bet Esther’s pretty cool! 😜 Is she Jewish?

          • This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by Esther.

          Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende

          #138405
          Gwyndalf the Wise
          @gwyndalf-the-wise
            • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
            • Total Posts: 404

            @freedomwriter76

            AH THAT SCENE WITH JOSHUA

            XD girl I almost cried again

            *round of applause* *glares daggers at Frieda* *kidnaps Joshua and gives his guitar to my sister cause she knows how to fix them*

            "...I did not say to the seed of Jacob, 'Seek Me in vain..."
            (Part of) Isaiah 45:19

            #138408
            Esther
            @esther-c
              • Rank: Chosen One
              • Total Posts: 3460

              @freedomwriter76 @godlyfantasy12 @gwyndalf-the-wise @lightoverdarkness6 @princesachronicle22 @thearcaneaxiom @mineralizedwritings @keilah-h @anyone-else

              Could some of y’all read this chapter to see if it’s realistic and paced well. I know it’s only the second draft, but I’d like to get some feedback specifically on this chapter.

               

              Ev couldn’t believe what he was seeing. If they made any more noise, the bear would wake up… and who knows what it would do if it woke up grumpy… Ev gulped, his heart pounding. There was nothing they could do. When the soldiers arrived with their frenzied dogs, the grizzly would wake up and that would be the end…

              They had to get out of there. As quickly and as quietly as possible, Ev started grabbing the bags again. Ami followed suit.

              The soldiers were coming ever closer. Ev ran out of the cave with Ami close on his heels. His eyes frantically searched the forest for a place to hide. There was none… Until a cliff caught his eye. It was the only way to escape. They could jump down, but from his distance, he couldn’t tell how steep it was. If it was too high, then they would be cornered.

              Ev kept running, trying to act like he knew where he was going. Ami trusted him… and he couldn’t let her down.

              “I see them!” A soldier cried. Then a shrill whistle blew and from what Ev could hear, the soldiers would have them apprehended at any moment. A distant roar made Ev smirk. He was sure they would get away now.

              The roar stopped and the grizzly bear came out of the cave, searching for the one who had awakened it. Its eyes fell on the soldiers… but the soldiers paid no heed to the beast. The grizzly picked up its pace, gaining speed as it came closer to the group of soldiers. One of the dogs noticed it first. The dog turned around and growled, pouncing upon the bear. With a swipe of its huge paw, the dog was slammed to the ground, whimpering and bleeding.

              The dog’s companions noticed the bear as well. Their barks turned into a frenzy of growls and snarls. They began to bite and to snap at the bear. The bear held its ground, steadily moving forward and attacking the dogs back.

              A few of the guards began to shoot at the grizzly causing it to let out a howl of pain. Now fully angered, the grizzly charged forward, attacking the closest soldier. The other soldiers continued to shoot, knowing they would take it down eventually.

              Ev watched, horrified at the power of the great bear, but thankful that they were not the ones being attacked. He started to run away with Ami, but suddenly he heard Ami gasp. Her scream was suddenly muffled.

              Ev whipped around and saw a soldier trying to handcuff Ami. Ev wouldn’t have it. He dropped the duffel bags and ran towards the soldier. Ev rushed behind him and jumped on his back.

              “Run, Ami!” He cried, as the soldier let go of her. Ami backed away from the fight and firmly shook her head.

              Ev grunted as the soldier released himself from his grasp. He turned around and grabbed Ev by the shoulders. Kicking the back of his knees, he forced Ev to collapse on the ground.

              The soldier pinned him to the ground. Ev struggled as much as possible, not letting the soldier handcuff him. The soldier was clearly frustrated and pulled out his pistol. He cocked it and pointed it behind him at Ami, who was still waiting.

              “Let me handcuff you or she’s gone,” the soldier threatened.

              Ev immediately stopped. Breathing hard and still tense, he let the soldier handcuff him.

              “No!” Ami said. She ran towards the soldier and jumped on top of him. The soldier quickly threw her off his back. Now that Ev was handcuffed, the soldier faced her, his gun still pointed at her.

              He slowly approached her. Ev jumped up and kicked the man in the back of the knees causing him to fall to the ground. Ev started running, urging Ami along. She didn’t need much encouragement to escape. They both ran but were stopped by the sound of a gunshot. It was closer than the ones being fired at the bear.

              Ev gripped Ami’s hand.

              “Hands in the air,” the soldier demanded, still trying to catch his breath. “I’ve about had enough of you. You’d better listen or you’ll both be gone.”

              Ev faced Ami. Her face was pale and streaked with dirt. Fear filled her emerald eyes. He slightly nodded and they simultaneously raised their hands in the air and turned around.

              “That’s more like it,” the soldier said. “Now—”

              Before he could finish his sentence. He was tackled down to the ground by Asher. Ruben wrestled the gun out of his hand and pointed it at him.

              “Go!” Ruben cried. “Get out of here!”

              The rest of the group joined Ami and Ev and they darted through the trees, running as fast as possible.

              The sound of the soldiers attacking the bear were dying down. There were no longer dogs barking and one last gunshot was fired. A final deep moan was heard from the grizzly bear followed by a thud and crunching of leaves and branches. Soon enough, the soldiers were pursuing Ami and Ev once again.

              Ev heard a gunshot that sounded like it was aimed at them. He ducked his head as he ran, not daring to look behind. The whole group started to run even faster, but the soldiers kept up.

              Ev suddenly heard someone scream. He whipped around and saw the guard holding Lukas in a headlock and pointing his gun at his head. Ev was about to attack the man, but didn’t when he saw that the rest of the soldiers were pointing their guns at the group.

              “Stop running now or he’ll be dead,” the soldier said in a booming voice. Everyone else stopped, fearfully turning around. Asher took a few steps closer before coming to a halt. He and Ev exchanged glances.

              Lukas’s face was pale and sweating. Fear filled his hazel eyes and he looked to his older brothers for help. Ev met his eyes and tried to reassure him with his gaze that everything would be fine. Lukas either didn’t understand Ev’s silent message or he didn’t believe it. He struggled against the soldier’s grasp, but the soldier only tightened his muscular arms around Lukas’s neck.

              Lukas went still, his breath still heavy and fast. Ev couldn’t ignore the feeling in his gut telling him to save his brother, but his logic kept him from doing so. He clenched his fists and took a step forward. Suddenly, every gun was aimed at him.

              He glanced around at the soldiers and stepped back, raising his hands in the air. The rest of the group raised their hands as well. Ev hated feeling this way… like he was being controlled… trapped… there was no way out of this…

              A distant whistling, as if on a wind instrument, reached Ev’s ears. It came closer as the soldier said, “You will make your way into a single file line. If you struggle, my men won’t hesitate to shoot.”

              Adalynn and Ruben were the first to comply. As Ev followed, he noticed that the soldier commanding the rest was the guard that he had messed with earlier at the inn. Ev smirked when he caught his eye. He acted like he was gaggin and the commander scowled at him.

              The music Ev had heard was getting louder now. The commander warily looked behind him to see a man walking through the forest in their direction. He was oddly dressed, as if he was a traveling bard from the medieval times. His brown hair hung in limp locks around his face. The man was merrily playing the piccolo, oblivious to his surroundings. The closer he got, the more the soldiers winced. Two of them even covered their ears with their hands.

              Ev didn’t understand why. The music was anything but terrible. It filled Ev with a feeling of joy and contentment. When he heard the whistling notes, he felt as if everything was right with the world…

              “Halt!” The commander barked, his voice crushing the melody. The man removed the piccolo from his lips with a look of curiosity in his eyes when he saw the odd group.

              “I say!” The man said. “What is going on here?”

              “That’s none of your business,” the commander replied.

              “Well I think it is,” the man said, putting the piccolo into the leather satchel he was wearing. “After all, I’m here and I think I have a right to know what is going on.”

              The corner of Ev’s mouth turned up in a slight smile. He cocked his head. He liked this guy already.

              The commander was clearly not expecting that kind of answer. “I still will not tell you,” he said. “You need to move along and tell no one what you have seen here.”

              The man laughed. A jolly, rich laugh that sounded as if it had been used many times. “You are a strange man. You first tell me to stop. Then don’t tell me what is going on, and you command me to be on my way like nothing ever happened.”

              The commander narrowed his eyes. He turned the gun from Lukas to the man. “Who are you?”

              “Who do you think I am?”

              “Answer my question!”

              “The name’s Dao,” he replied with a sigh. “Now you get to answer one of my questions. What is going on here?”

              “That is not for you to know.” The commander said. “Now do what I said and get out of here.”

              Dao didn’t reply. He pulled the piccolo back out from his bag and put it to his lips. Again, the lovely melody continued from where it had left off. This time, he played it with more power. Ev smiled. He couldn’t help it.

              The soldiers put their hands to their ears and cried out, as if in pain. Ruben took that as a chance to lead them to safety. “Come on,” he said, running ahead. The others followed without hesitation.

              Two separate gunshots were fired, but they were nowhere near their targets. The group ran through the woods until they could no longer hear Dao’s music. Ruben led them to a cave. He went in first to make sure that everything was safe, then motioned for the rest to follow.

              They went as far back as possible and all of them stood in silence, not sure how to comprehend what had just happened. Lukas was still shaking from fright and he stood close to Ev. Ev put his arm around him and gave him a quick hug. “We’re safe now,” he whispered in his ear. Lukas looked up at him and nodded.

              “We’re safe now,” Ev repeated under his breath, trying to convince himself of his words. “For now…”

               

              Also, that does bring me to a question that I’d like y’all’s input on. So Dao’s sudden appearance in this chapter seems a little like deu es machina. But the things is, it has to happen. He and his music are important factors later on in the book and trilogy as a whole. Whenever he shows up, they often get out of things relatively easy. I’m hoping that how hard they were trying to survive before that, will make up for how easily they got out of the situation. You see, I’m not trying to let them cheat their way to safety, it’s just that Dao is a really important character, and one of his biggest roles in the story is showing up sometimes to help the group. What are your thoughts on this?

              Any feedback on the chapter itself though is welcomed! 😀

              Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende

              #138413
              MineralizedWritings
              @mineralizedwritings
                • Rank: Chosen One
                • Total Posts: 3005

                @esther-c

                I like this scene a lot! The action was really good!

                I felt the pacing was pretty good, although it would have been nice to have some more descriptions and less statements about what they did.

                The soldiers were coming ever closer. Ev ran out of the cave with Ami close on his heels. His eyes frantically searched the forest for a place to hide. There was none… Until a cliff caught his eye. It was the only way to escape. They could jump down, but from his distance, he couldn’t tell how steep it was. If it was too high, then they would be cornered.

                This paragraph had a lot of they do this than that. I would try to replace some of it with descriptions of them doing this, like idk maybe Ev’s shoes slide in the gravel as he makes his way down? Maybe the cave was dark, and they come out into the moonlight? I wasn’t able to envision the kinda “vibe” of the setting.

                I like how your books have a lot of action, but because of it, I sometimes have a hard time feeling out how high the stakes are. If you wanted the stakes to be highest at the climax, imo it has to be something they haven’t come across yet (idk if this is your climax, maybe I’m mistaken lol, it just felt like a point of tension) Like if they’ve had a gun pointed at them before, it won’t have the same impact when it happens again, because we know they got out of it last time. So even if there’s a lot of gun’s in a scene like this, it doesn’t have the same tension. Idk, just a thought.

                About Dao, he’s really cool! I have to say though I think unless you come up with a backstory as to why the soldiers hate the music, it will just seem to similar to the wfs, and come off as a convenient escape. Wfs can do it because fangs are another species, but there isn’t a reason for human’s to hate the music enough to accidentally let their captives go. If you want to further world build it (maybe you have and I just don’t know) and set it up why this happens (are they changed, not human?) beforehand, it could work.

                My take on people getting easy escapes is for the reader to feel like it wasn’t too easy, there has to be a emotional struggle. I know the family loves Dao, but lets say one of them didn’t? Them letting him rescue them (and dao making the decision to do so) would be a resolution and overcoming at the same time.

                Anyways, sorry if I’m getting too specific here, XD! Take it with a grain of salt, everyone writes differently. <3

                 

                 

                "And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."

                #138415
                Anonymous
                  • Rank: Chosen One
                  • Total Posts: 8156

                  @gwyndalf-the-wise Aww, glad you like it!!!❤️

                  Awwwwww, sorry for almost making you cry! (but I’m glad my writing can be that powerful! XD)

                  Thank you for the applause!!! 😀 AHHH, MY BABY JOSHUA!!!!!! Can I have him back…please???

                  🥺🥺🥺

                  #138440
                  Light
                  @lightoverdarkness6
                    • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
                    • Total Posts: 1643

                    @esther-c

                    Ooh!! Awesome! 😀

                    Poor Lukas!! The sweet baby 😭❤😭❤

                    So, maybe for the grizzly bear, it would probably wake up before the soldiers got there, because it would probably smell Ev. But it really depends on the time of year. It could’ve been hibernating!

                    (I just learned that bears actually don’t hibernate, they really only enter a lighter sleep-state called torpor. Like hibernation, torpor is used by animals to survive the winter months, and is triggered by colder temperatures and not much food availability. Torpor also involves decreased breathing and heart rates. A bear’s body temperature reduces slightly. Bears can sleep more than 100 days without eating and drinking.)

                    So if it was just asleep, it would probably wake up when Ev came past it. But if it was hibernating, or in torpor, then it might not wake up until the dogs started barking.

                    But anyway (sorry about the bear rant XDXD I love animals!) Great job!!! I loved the chapter, and the diverse emotions that came while reading it!! Keep up the good work! 🙂

                    #HugRikerSquad

                    #138459
                    Keilah H.
                    @keilah-h
                      • Rank: Chosen One
                      • Total Posts: 4929

                      @freedomwriter76 Cool charries! I’m liking the idea.

                      Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.

                      #138461
                      Gwyndalf the Wise
                      @gwyndalf-the-wise
                        • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                        • Total Posts: 404

                        @esther-c

                        Sorry I missed this! also my thoughts may be kinda jumbled I’m sick and brain is kinda fuzzy

                        I like the pacing! =D

                        I agree with Min, you do a lot of telling and don’t show things very much. It’s not bad to tell, there is a place for it. I’m not gonna elaborate more on that since my brain isn’t working and Min already gave you an explanation. =)

                        Ev whipped around and saw a soldier trying to handcuff Ami. Ev wouldn’t have it. He dropped the duffel bags and ran towards the soldier. Ev rushed behind him and jumped on his back.

                        “Run, Ami!” He cried, as the soldier let go of her. Ami backed away from the fight and firmly shook her head.

                        This is a little confusing. Is the soldier by himself? Did any of the other soldiers see Ev running towards Ami? It seems a little unrealistic that Ev can just run up to the soldier and nobody does anything to stop him.

                        He slowly approached her. Ev jumped up and kicked the man in the back of the knees causing him to fall to the ground. Ev started running, urging Ami along. She didn’t need much encouragement to escape. They both ran but were stopped by the sound of a gunshot. It was closer than the ones being fired at the bear.

                        When people are handcuffed their hands and arms are behind their back. (Unless in the future they have a different way of doing it, but you didn’t specify so I’m going with the standard procedure nowadays.) This would throw off Ev’s balance when he kicks the soldier and he’d probably fall. Ami would probably have to help him back up. The balance thing is also the case when he’s running and still has handcuffs on, I think he’d probably end up tripping because of the issues that causes, but I could be wrong. It’s not something I’ve researched extensively.

                        Ev gripped Ami’s hand.

                        Did Ami reach for his in the prior paragraph cause it’s hard to reach for someone’s hand when you’re arms are looped behind your back and stuck together…

                         

                        “Hands in the air,” the soldier demanded, still trying to catch his breath. “I’ve about had enough of you. You’d better listen or you’ll both be gone.”

                        Ev faced Ami. Her face was pale and streaked with dirt. Fear filled her emerald eyes. He slightly nodded and they simultaneously raised their hands in the air and turned around

                        That would be slightly funny to watch. But since Ev’s still handcuffed, he’s gonna have a real hard time doing that.

                        As for your question about Deo, I think it’s fine, as long as you foreshadow his actions beforehand. I think my only concern about him was already mentioned by Min so I’m not gonna repeat her. =p

                        Great job and I hope this helps! =D

                        "...I did not say to the seed of Jacob, 'Seek Me in vain..."
                        (Part of) Isaiah 45:19

                        #138463
                        Gwyndalf the Wise
                        @gwyndalf-the-wise
                          • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                          • Total Posts: 404

                          @freedomwriter76

                          No worries! =D Great job!

                          …does he…get a decent ending?

                          "...I did not say to the seed of Jacob, 'Seek Me in vain..."
                          (Part of) Isaiah 45:19

                          #138478
                          Light
                          @lightoverdarkness6
                            • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
                            • Total Posts: 1643

                            @felicity

                            *facepalm* WHOOOOPS. Sorry girls!!!!

                            XD That’s okay girl!! Everyone does it 😅

                            Aw thanks!!!!!! I’m so glad you like it! I might be able to share some of it on here soon.

                            You’re sooo welcome!!! Yes, it sounds SO AWESOME!!! Ooh okay! 😀

                            Well, more like a couple days. 😄 And I still have a ton to figure out. It’s been a while since I was really inspired though so I’m super thankful and excited!!!!

                            Okay cool!! Yesss, it’s such a good feeling when you’re inspired!! 😄 I actually had a dream two nights ago and now I really want to make it into a book 😅

                            Ok, yeah I’ll put a couple on here soon. It’s…HOT where you are???!!! *puppy eyes* Send some here pleeeease!! 😂 😂

                            I LOVE the mood boards!! I really like Kylie already!! And Sato Akela…he seems like a very good villain 😨

                            Haha, yeah it was pretty warm a few days ago. About 80*. Today it’s rainy though 🙁

                            I’ll send you the warmth and not the rain, lol!


                            @esther-c
                            felicity

                            Thank y’all for making sure I was tagged!! 😊

                            #HugRikerSquad

                            #138483
                            Esther
                            @esther-c
                              • Rank: Chosen One
                              • Total Posts: 3460

                              @mineralizedwritings

                              This paragraph had a lot of they do this than that. I would try to replace some of it with descriptions of them doing this, like idk maybe Ev’s shoes slide in the gravel as he makes his way down? Maybe the cave was dark, and they come out into the moonlight? I wasn’t able to envision the kinda “vibe” of the setting.

                              Ok, I understand that. Part of it is definitely more telling than showing, and the other part is that this is just a chapter. If you read one or two of the chapters before, it would make more sense, and you’d understand the setting. 🙂

                              I like how your books have a lot of action, but because of it, I sometimes have a hard time feeling out how high the stakes are. If you wanted the stakes to be highest at the climax, imo it has to be something they haven’t come across yet (idk if this is your climax, maybe I’m mistaken lol, it just felt like a point of tension) Like if they’ve had a gun pointed at them before, it won’t have the same impact when it happens again, because we know they got out of it last time. So even if there’s a lot of gun’s in a scene like this, it doesn’t have the same tension. Idk, just a thought.

                              This is definitely a point of tension, but not the climax. It’s in the second draft of my first book, so some things are happening differently. This is one of the first times that they notice that the stakes are very high if they are to continue on their journey and not compromise with the government. So, this is not the first time they’ve had a gun pointed at them. 😅 But, this is the first time the gun holder actually pulled the trigger. I see what you mean by the amount of tension though.

                              About Dao, he’s really cool! I have to say though I think unless you come up with a backstory as to why the soldiers hate the music, it will just seem to similar to the wfs, and come off as a convenient escape. Wfs can do it because fangs are another species, but there isn’t a reason for human’s to hate the music enough to accidentally let their captives go. If you want to further world build it (maybe you have and I just don’t know) and set it up why this happens (are they changed, not human?) beforehand, it could work.

                              Yeah… the whole music thing (and Dao as a character) was inspired by WFS. 😛 Dao is a very mysterious character, and I’m not sure how much I want to reveal about him to the readers. He is sort of like the Jesus-figure in the trilogy. (The trilogy is not really an allegory though.) I haven’t got his whole backstory and why the music does that to them yet. I have an idea, it just ties into the huge spoiler at the end, so I won’t say anymore for spoilers’ sake. 😉

                              My take on people getting easy escapes is for the reader to feel like it wasn’t too easy, there has to be a emotional struggle. I know the family loves Dao, but lets say one of them didn’t? Them letting him rescue them (and dao making the decision to do so) would be a resolution and overcoming at the same time.

                              That’s a really good idea! I’ll keep that in mind! Since this is my second draft, this is actually the first time they meet Dao. (I changed it from the first draft.) So maybe having one of them not like him would be a good choice. 😀

                              Anyways, sorry if I’m getting too specific here, XD! Take it with a grain of salt, everyone writes differently. <3

                              No, I really like getting constructive criticism! (My younger siblings don’t give me any feedback but positive on my book. 😅 They’re too sweet. XD) Thank you so much!! 😄


                              @lightoverdarkness6

                              Ooh!! Awesome! 😀

                              Thx!!

                              Poor Lukas!! The sweet baby 😭❤😭❤

                              I know!! 😭

                              So, maybe for the grizzly bear, it would probably wake up before the soldiers got there, because it would probably smell Ev. But it really depends on the time of year. It could’ve been hibernating!

                              (I just learned that bears actually don’t hibernate, they really only enter a lighter sleep-state called torpor. Like hibernation, torpor is used by animals to survive the winter months, and is triggered by colder temperatures and not much food availability. Torpor also involves decreased breathing and heart rates. A bear’s body temperature reduces slightly. Bears can sleep more than 100 days without eating and drinking.)

                              So if it was just asleep, it would probably wake up when Ev came past it. But if it was hibernating, or in torpor, then it might not wake up until the dogs started barking.

                              Ok, so I did do the research before/during the writing of the chapter. 🙂 The bear is “hibernating.” I’m still a little iffy about whether it should wake up when Ev and Ami go into the cave or not, cuz I read that bears can be awoken easily from hibernation. Maybe just the cave is big and it didn’t hear the barking very well since it was at the back of the cave, idk. 😂

                              But anyway (sorry about the bear rant XDXD I love animals!) Great job!!! I loved the chapter, and the diverse emotions that came while reading it!! Keep up the good work! 🙂

                              Thanks so much!! 😄


                              @gwyndalf-the-wise

                              Sorry I missed this! also my thoughts may be kinda jumbled I’m sick and brain is kinda fuzzy

                              You’re good! 🙂

                              Oh, I hope you feel better soon!! 😊

                              I like the pacing! =D

                              Awesome!

                              I agree with Min, you do a lot of telling and don’t show things very much. It’s not bad to tell, there is a place for it. I’m not gonna elaborate more on that since my brain isn’t working and Min already gave you an explanation. =)

                              Alrighty! 😀

                              This is a little confusing. Is the soldier by himself? Did any of the other soldiers see Ev running towards Ami? It seems a little unrealistic that Ev can just run up to the soldier and nobody does anything to stop him.

                              Oh yeah, there is only one where they are atm. 😅 I’ll try to make that clearer. 🙂

                               

                              Hm… the handcuffs… Well… maybe that was just me somehow forgetting he was wearing them. 🤣 Yep, that was totally me forgetting. I’ll have to fix that. 😂

                              As for your question about Deo, I think it’s fine, as long as you foreshadow his actions beforehand. I think my only concern about him was already mentioned by Min so I’m not gonna repeat her. =p

                              Ok! 👍

                              Great job and I hope this helps! =D

                              It was really helpful!! Thanks so much! 😄

                              Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende

                              #138484
                              Esther
                              @esther-c
                                • Rank: Chosen One
                                • Total Posts: 3460

                                @lightoverdarkness6

                                Thank y’all for making sure I was tagged!! 😊

                                😊👍

                                Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende

                                #138486
                                Gwyndalf the Wise
                                @gwyndalf-the-wise
                                  • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                                  • Total Posts: 404

                                  @esther-c

                                  Oh, I hope you feel better soon!! 😊

                                  Thanks =)

                                  Hm… the handcuffs… Well… maybe that was just me somehow forgetting he was wearing them. 🤣 Yep, that was totally me forgetting. I’ll have to fix that. 😂

                                  XD I’ve done that before too. Like a character was wearing a hat but they were running and it was windy and somehow it magically manages to stay on their head the entire time…

                                  I’ll be honest I was laughing so hard when I was reading those because the mental image of Ev trying to do all those things in handcuffs was hilarious.

                                  It was really helpful!! Thanks so much! 😄

                                  Glad it was! You’re welcome. =D

                                  "...I did not say to the seed of Jacob, 'Seek Me in vain..."
                                  (Part of) Isaiah 45:19

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