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I like it. However I think the second two could be shortened somehow. At least the second could be turned into Afterthoughts of the Abandoned or something, unless the Left Behind is a particular reference to a group by that name. Either way, they’re good titles for the series!
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
Thanks! And thanks for the feedback 😀:)
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
Okay so if anyone is interested I have a snipit of a chapter I’ve been stuck on for a while, honestly it’s probably the unconcious guilt of making my characters suffer XD
So some of you may know Anwyn from the KP Library. But anyway, if anyone is interested in reading it (though it’ll be a little out of context) and could give me some ideas on how to continue and just make the chapter flow better in general, that would be awesome! And if not I understand ;D
ANWYN WAS TRAPPED. ALWAYS TRAPPED IN SOME WAY. Currently, it was by being strapped to a chair. Struggling was useless, so she simply sat, staring blankly at the carved wall before her. She knew that at any moment Vermilion would walk through the entrance. The thought turned her stomach.
In the endless days spent in these caves, Anwyn had learned something. That humans were awful creatures.
She had come to them asking for help, and instead they’d imprisoned her. And then Anwyn had been so close to freedom, so close. But all of her desperate planning had gone to waste, and it was because of that one red headed man. The slice in her arm throbbed, and her eyes burned in resentment, both at him and her captors. The gang that called themselves the Shaded.
A dull thudding sounded outside of the room she was in. Anwyn cringed, knowing that it was the sound of the strange foot coverings these savages chose to wear. She heard a creak and the dewy door to her left swung open. Lantern light flooded the dim space, and her eyes quickly dilated to accommodate the change.
As expected, Vermilion sauntered in, Blubber following close behind him. Of course he would bring the crony. Anwyn glared at the floor.
She didn’t know what their names actually were, so she had simply started naming the members at random.
“Are you ready to talk about your failures?” Vermilion said with a softly teasing smile, knowing she wouldn’t be able to say a thing. For the first few months she’d been here, they’d had a man come in to do nothing but talk. It had been endless confusion for Anwyn until she’d been able to figure out that they were trying to teach her their odd and confusing form of communication. Very unlike her own.
She didn’t like their loudness.
Vermilion placed himself in front of Anwyn’s chair. With her face tilted down still, she could almost see her reflection in his excessively polished boots. Red was the only color he ever chose to wear, so she knew that everything else he donned would be black. She quickly raised her head to look up at him, knowing that if she didn’t he would force it upward himself.
Vermilion was the Shaded leader, as he liked to remind his crew. He also liked to be creative in how he did so.
“I am displeased, to say the least.” He continued.
Anwyn’s brow twitched. She had figured that one out by the limited light and food recently. Her mind easily recalled the event that had caused this visit.
The day she had tried to escape.
Nearly a month prior, the Shaded had planned a heist. To hijack what they called a scilar. While she had been able to catch glimpses
of their plan, they’d never mentioned the reason why they were doing it, or the role she would have to play.
——–
The day of the interception, Blubber and one other had come into her room
to tear her from sleep. After dragging her out, a bag over her head, they walked for what felt like hours before they reached the destination. The men had gripped her harder before pulling off her face covering. She’d blinked against the bright light of day, then looked down to see that they were roughly holding her a hair’s breadth away from a cliff’s edge.
She was stuck silent as they threatened to send her over by yelling and pointing. Then Vermilion had walked forward to say quietly in her ear. “Unless you help us with this small little task we have for you.” His falsely kind smile had made her skin crawl. “All you have to do is say hi to a friend of yours for me.”
While she didn’t pick up on most of his words, she had understood enough for sheer panic to have erupted in her chest as she thought of the faces of her friends and family at home. They had been counting on her to find help and she had failed them miserably.
Wasn’t her own torment enough? Had this monster taken her loved ones too? She struggled harder, her mind screaming.
“Oh, come now, you’ll only be helping us to help them.” Vermilion said.
He didn’t give her much choice as the men put a strangely scented cloth to her mouth. She had tried to fight them again, but her limbs were weak. Then her thoughts had fizzled and she’d easily passed out.
Everything else had been black, though she didn’t know for how long. She’d awoken, slowly regaining consciousness, but only to find more darkness. Her face was pressed awkwardly to the floor, and her hands felt like they were tied together. She had wriggled around, feeling tight walls pressing her sides. Anwyn’s chest tightened as her mind concluded that they had put her in a box of some kind.
She’d raised her bound hands and knees and had pounded and kicked on the ceiling of the box to no avail. The movements were extremely awkward in the tight space but she didn’t stop.
Eventually, she’d heard shuffling from outside. Anwyn had paused briefly to listen, then started hitting harder, her limbs bruised and knees popping. A muffled voice filtered through the confined space. “Alrigh’, alrigh’ already!”
Then another, slightly deeper voice. “Shut it!”
Anwyn’d felt a jolt, as if whoever was outside had kicked the box she was in. The lid opened, and she lowered her arms to see a semi familiar face glaring down at her. Iyope, as Anwyn had named her, after a fish that seemed to match her alway’s scowling face. She was a devout member of the Shaded. “You’re lucky we’re the only ones in here righ’ now.” The woman said. She looked over her shoulder and called out “ge’ ou’a your box Muscle Brain and help me hois’ her up.”
Anwyn had shaken her head, twisting her legs and arms until she was sitting up. She put her elbows down on the rim of the box and got her feet beneath her to stand. Iyope shrugged and walked away, going over to grab something from a nearby sack.
Where was she? Did they still want her to talk to this ‘friend’ as Vermilion had said? Had they really taken someone hostage or was he talking about something else?
Standing then, she’d looked around. Anwyn saw Blubber climb out of a box similar to hers. Though how the ginormous man had even fit inside she had absolutely no idea. There was another man too, though she didn’t recognize him. Her eyes moved from him to look at her surroundings. Wherever they were at was huge, and she had to crane her neck to look at it all. There were bags and boxes stacked everywhere, and curving walls of metal to her right and left.
Anwyn couldn’t see or hear any signs of someone she would consider a friend, and she couldn’t tell if that was a good or bad thing. Then she’d noticed the ground shifting forward oddly and been able to hear the vessel groaning around her. A giant metal beast that seemed to be moving.
As her throat tightened in panic her gaze alighted upon a door that had written markings on it. Anwyn’s knowledge of their language was rough at best. She could decipher most words they said now, but she’d rarely seen them write stuff and couldn’t read any of it.
Either way it was a door, and it appeared to lead outward. She’d looked at Iyope and Blubber, gauging if they were distracted enough. Anwyn then carefully stepped out of the box, balancing against the slightly unsteady ground. Then she had made a break for it.
“Hey!” Blubber shouted.
Running at full speed, she’d soon crashed into the door and clumsily wrenched at the handle with her tied hands. Opening it led her to another much smaller room. Two doors then faced her, one forward, the other to her left, it curved with the wall. That one. She’d thrown herself at it, fingers grabbing for the handle. It didn’t budge. She had tried harder to force it down, but it hadn’t worked. And soon a beefy hand had wrapped itself around her arm before she could try the door further ahead.
She didn’t fight as Blubber dragged her back. Iyope looked at her and laughed. “Tha’ door won’ open unless the scilar is offline.” She said with a smirk. Anwyn had simply scowled at a nearby pile of boxes. “Here, hold her.” Iyope said, walking over. Something gleamed in her hands, a metal mask. She took a black cloth, thin enough to see through, and pulled it tight over Anwyn’s head, right over her matted tail of hair. Blubber’s arm banded around her chest while the other held her jaw in place. Making it easy for Iyope to secure the metal thing around her nose, eyes, and mouth. Anwyn’s eyes hardened and she inched her hand backward.
“So no one has to see tha’ face of yours.” Iyope said, yanking on Anwyn’s hood before pulling away.
Her brow furrowed. What was that supposed to mean?
Blubber didn’t relinquish his grip on her, but her slow hand had enough room to lightly grip one of the many blades attached to his leg. Fortunately he didn’t seem to notice, his attention on Iyope as she called to the other man, who was currently strapping on a pair of weird shaped metal things. “Enough drooling over your guns. Make yourself useful and go grab tha’ rock thing Danand gave us.”
The man did as he was told, pulling a stone from what looked like a previously locked box. He tossed it up and down as he sauntered over. “You know how much a Sounstone like this would sell for? Especially with oversea trading being so difficult, which I suppose we have the girl thing to thank for that.” He said, eyeing Anwyn. She watched him back in confusion. Then the man went on, looking back at Iyope. “It would be worth thousands in these forsaken Isles. And yet Danand is wasting them on the likes of ocean filth.” He gestured lazily at Anwyn, and while she could only guess at his meaning, she hadn’t thought for a moment the words were meant as a compliment.
Looking at the man’s tall and grossly thin outline, she had decided to name him Seaweed.
Iyope snatched the rock from the man’s still tossing hand. “Like you would use the money with a lick of sense? I’m willing a be’ you would use all of tha’ Pinch looking for a woman who wouldn’ run screaming when she sees you.” The woman said, her face set in a scowl.
Blubber let out a bellowing laugh that jerked Anwyn forward, but she managed to use the momentum to fully slide the blade out of his leg holster. She held it to her wrist and tried to tuck it into the leather straps under her wide sleeves.
Seaweed smirked back, unruffled, and went over to what seemed to be the group’s supplies. Iyope had then turned to her. “Now I’ll deal with you.” She held up the stone, fishing something out of her pocket. Like so many of their objects, it looked to Anwyn that the thing she pulled out was made of metal. Iyope messed with the thing until the top suddenly burst out a small light of flickering orange. Even from Anwyn’s distance from the strange light, she could tell that it was giving off a warmth.
Anwyn bristled in Blubber’s grip. There had been several times where Shaded members had come into her cell and tried to do things with the strange rocks. What were they planning now? Her stomach pooled with dread as Iyope brought the light close to the rock and waved it around.
Then… Nothing.
Anwyn watched apprehensive as Iyope’s hand moved more aggressively the longer the rock sat in her hand without result. “Oh come on.” She muttered. Seaweed snickered nearby and she hissed at him. “Like you would be able a figure ou’ how this zjudding piece of rubble works.”
Finally the rock did something, words Anwyn could place no meaning to, spilling from it like water. They sounded harsh and jarring, even more so than the people’s usual speech.
Then a part of her mask, somewhere near her forehead, started to warm, as if stirring awake. She ignored it, her head starting to feel strange and her thoughts muddling again. Then the sensation started to change.
It was… painful. Very painful. Her breaths started to come out faster and she struggled in her captors arms again.
The rock. Burning her mind. It was… trying to tell her something. She gritted her teeth and pushed on the arms surrounding her. Anwyn’s mouth opened, as if to cry out, but no sound came out.
She was dimly aware of Blubber releasing her then, and Anwyn collapsed to the floor, clutching her head as it cleaved in two.
—–
And then the scene cuts back to wear she’s in the room with Vermilion again. I’ve written part of the end of the chapter but I’m having troubles connecting that to this and everything else. Any suggestions?
Guess I’ll tag some people, again, ignore if you want to!
@lightoverdarkness6 @godlyfantasy12 @folith-feolin @loopylin @thearcaneaxiom @mineralizedwritings @gwyndalf-the-wise @felicity @Orielle @otherworldlyhistorian @esther-c @sarafini @keilah-h @and anyone else who has an idea or is interestedLove is patient. Love is kind. Love never fails. -1 Corinthians
And guess what? His is eternal (:The first part was good! I don’t really read stuff that goes into that much detail about peoples torment XD So I stopped reading, but I’m sure it was great. Love your writing style btw!
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
@princesachronicle22 that was great, though I’m not entirely sure how to help you… XD
Poor Anwyn 😭
I will say one thing…I was definitely confused with the whole Rock and light thing (like I know we’re supposed to be confused but I mean I couldn’t exactly “see” what was happening if that makes sense 😊) so yea
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSebWow!!!! That’s SOOO good girl!! I love the detail and how clear it is. 😍😍😍😍
I have that problem too, like smoothly transitioning scenes, especially for memories and flashbacks.
Hmm…well, you could connect the next scene with maybe Anwyn like wincing at the memory, or some kind of reaction.
Or maybe Vermilion could say something that jerks her back to reality…idk, whatever you think would work 😊)
#HugRikerSquad
I love those 😍😍!! Yes, I think it can work. It sounds good! 🙂
Aww I love the sunrise part! And sweet Ami…and Ev!!
Slowly, the sky grew lighter, and the edge of the sun began to peek over the horizon. The dew glistened in its light. It illuminated the sky with hues of rose, peach, and daffodil. The sunlight spilled across the meadow intensifying the color of the yellow dandelions. The sunrays shot out, reflecting off of the clouds.
Ami closed her eyes and let the warmth of the sun wash over her. She felt small in comparison to the grandeur of the sunrise. It made everything else in the world seem unimportant. The beauty of the sunrise demanded her full attention if she was to appreciate the fullness of it. How could anyone ignore the wondrous splendor that God unveiled every morning? It was as if He had painted the sunrise with His own hand.
These two paragraphs were my favorites. You did them so amazingly well! I love how she’s realizing that God created it, and thanking him for it with her joy. ❤❤❤
#HugRikerSquad
@freedomwriter76
I love that!!! I could really see the sunrise in my head, and it was sooo good!!! AMAZING job, girl!!! 💖💖💖💖
Thank you so much!!! 😄😊🥰❤️
That means a lot!! ❤️
How well simulated is the Orb’s sunrise? Would it look cartoonishly fake? Like a yellow spot going up and down, or does the Orb make it look far more like the real thing, and they just knew it was fake? If it look looks like a giant bright yellow dot that goes up and down, how much would Ami have a concept of ‘sunrays’? Are real clouds a normality? That would be a whole other bazar experience to see a real cloud moving through the sky, then seeing how that interacts with the sunrise. The only thing I’m trying to get across is to think about what Ami’s world experience was before this, and how she would describe the event of a sunrise using only from those things of past experience. This is obviously what you’re already doing, and is the whole point of this scene, but I’m just saying that perhaps you could take that even further based off of what Ami’s life was like beforehand.
That’s a really great point. So, Ami does know what the sun looks like and what sunrays are. The Orb simulates the weather in a way where it looks pretty real, but it regularly flickers, or doesn’t adjust to the weather outside. For example, weather can penetrate the Orb (like, rain can go through it), but the technology of the Orb was designed to match the sky. So the “sun” can still be blazing in the sky while it is pouring rain. It takes a few minutes for the Orb to adjust and match what the real sky looks like.
As for how well it simulates the sky, is dependent on different factors. Like I said, it will flicker or glitch when the real sky changes, but when it’s working well, the simulation is pretty close to the real thing. It’s almost like you’re watching a recording of the sky, but the graphics aren’t the greatest. I think that makes sense. It makes sense in my head, but putting it words is kinda hard to do. 😂
So I’ll keep that all in mind. This scene happens in chapter 8, so by then, the readers will understand how well the Orb actually works. 🙂
For example, instead of sunrays, maybe she could say something like ‘Grand rods of light pierced the sky, refracting in the turbulent, swirling clouds, emanating gradients of white and pink.’ or something like that.
That’s really good. 😂
This is in no ways a criticism, and this isn’t the only way to write descriptions. What you have already works perfectly well, and what I wrote might sound too mellow dramatic to some perhaps. I’m just pointing this particular idea out because it can help you think in your character’s eyes, allowing you to bring out a lot more description of something just by thinking of how they would do it from their experience.
Alrighty! 👍
Yeah, I understand what you’re getting at. 🙂
Great writing though, and I love the concept of the Orb, is this your Esther retelling?
Thanks so much!!! 😊😊
No. This is actually my current WIP, the one that is my main focus. It’s called Ember of Hope and it’s the first book in the Endoxos Trilogy. If you wanna know more about it, I can share the blurb for the whole trilogy.
Anyway, thanks for the feedback! It was super helpful!! 😄
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Aww I love the sunrise part! And sweet Ami…and Ev!!
Yes, I love those two!! 🥰
These two paragraphs were my favorites. You did them so amazingly well! I love how she’s realizing that God created it, and thanking him for it with her joy. ❤❤❤
Thank you so much!!! 😊❤️
I love how Ami views nature like that. (I have another character from a different book idea, and she always sees nature as God’s handiwork. Her outlook on life is like super encouraging to me. 😄)
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
I think the first one is pretty good, but I think they all need to be more parallel. (This is something I’ve struggled with in naming the books in my trilogy) It always depends on the series in how your naming them. For example, the titles from WFS are exactly parallel. On the Edge of the Dark Sea of Darkness, North! Or Be Eaten, The Monster in the Hollows, The Warden and the Wolf King.
They’re all kind of long, but none of them really follow the same structuring.
For yours, I feel like since they all start with the same two words, they need to follow the same structuring.
I like the idea that @thearcaneaxiom had to name the last one Afterthoughts of the Abandoned. And maybe the first would could be changed to Afterthoughts of the Hated. Or something along those lines. I’m not exactly sure.
That was all unnecessarily long. 🤣
Anywho, I hoped that maybe helped. XD
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Anwyn cringed, knowing that it was the sound of the strange foot coverings these savages chose to wear.
*gasp* Oh my word, is she talking about shoes?? That’s awesome!! XD I felt confused like she was at our human world, but in a good way. I could really see the world through her eyes, so great job!! 😄
As for the transitioning, what I do when my characters have a memory, is I put it in italics and have it more centered on the page. (Not that the centering really matters when you’re drafting.) And I write it in present tense. That’s os my readers know that it’s a flashback/memory. All of mine so far are shorter than the one here, so you may not want to do that.
Transitions are hard for me too. 😅 I hope that maybe helped with how you wanna do that. XD
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
That’s a really great point. So, Ami does know what the sun looks like and what sunrays are. The Orb simulates the weather in a way where it looks pretty real, but it regularly flickers, or doesn’t adjust to the weather outside. For example, weather can penetrate the Orb (like, rain can go through it), but the technology of the Orb was designed to match the sky. So the “sun” can still be blazing in the sky while it is pouring rain. It takes a few minutes for the Orb to adjust and match what the real sky looks like.
As for how well it simulates the sky, is dependent on different factors. Like I said, it will flicker or glitch when the real sky changes, but when it’s working well, the simulation is pretty close to the real thing. It’s almost like you’re watching a recording of the sky, but the graphics aren’t the greatest. I think that makes sense. It makes sense in my head, but putting it words is kinda hard to do. 😂
Ok, yeah that makes sense. Thanks for clarifying! I would love to hear more, because you make it sound man made to a extent, but it’s also clearly a magical or beyond technological structure, so I want to understand the lore you got going now.
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
Ok, yeah that makes sense. Thanks for clarifying! I would love to hear more, because you make it sound man made to a extent, but it’s also clearly a magical or beyond technological structure, so I want to understand the lore you got going now.
That’s a really good question… because I’m still figuring some things out. XD
I know why the Orb was put there in the first place, I’m just not entirely sure the full extent of its “power.” It is man made, but I’m thinking that the man who put it there in the first place, attempted to harness a certain power to make it work the way he wanted it to, yet didn’t quite succeed.
I know that was kinda vague. 😅 I can explain more about it, but I will warn you, it is a major spoiler. So before I say anything more, I’ll let you choose whether you want to hear it or not. 🙂
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Cool! You can be vague if you want. I am curious, but for the sake spoilers, I can be patient. I’m really bad at that, when I’m asked about something about my worldbuilding, even though it would be a spoiler, I just kinda dump it all out. I need to work on being more vague.
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
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