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@rae @smiley @keilah-h @mineralizedwritings @lightoverdarkness6 @koshka @elishavet-pidyon @savannah_grace2009 @esther-c @anyone-else-idk-haha
I’ve been working on another Novel idea this afternoon, and I finished the first chapter!! 🩷🩷
so here it is!!
Chapter 1
April 1944
She wanted nothing more than to run into someone deeply in need of Christ’s love and then share that love, but maybe it wasn’t quite the time.
“Stupid Amerikaner; doesn’t even know the regulations. Everyone is supposed to be off the streets for the parade.”
Keenly aware of the uniformed officer standing before her, Esther Cohen dropped a small, polite smile. “I understand, sir, may I-?”
The man’s blue eyes narrowed in scrutiny. “What’s in your purse?”
Her fingers instinctively wrapped around the strap even though she had nothing to hide. If she did, she wouldn’t have been stupid enough to walk where she knew the feared Schutzstaffel officers and guards were stationed.
Her long fingers relaxed, and Esther flipped her short black bob. She smiled and held her chin high, unafraid. “You are free to search my purse if you would like, but I will be honest to perhaps remind you that it is unseemly for someone else to look through a young woman’s purse, especially a respectable young man such as yourself.”
Pale cheeks flushed red, and the officer stepped out of her way. “Never mind. Carry on, ma’am, but please stay out of this area.”
“Of course. Thank you, sir.” Esther thanked with a smile no one had ever been able to ignore, and strode away, her low heels clicking against the stone.
She was blessed. Esther quietly thanked the Lord beneath her breath for her citizenship. If it weren’t for the open home her aunt and uncle had offered to a lost sixteen-year-old girl five years ago, she would still be a German citizen rather than an American.
Perhaps it would seem stupid for her to return, but she wanted, needed, to be with her Ema and Abba once more, and how could she ignore God’s tug on her heart to return to the land of her birth amidst a beastly war?
Death. Destruction. Hopelessness. Beliefs placed in man rather than God.
How could she ignore any of it?
She knew it would have been ‘smarter’ of her to remain in America and begin her time in college to become the doctor she’d dreamed of since childhood, but how could she follow her dreams whilst the world outside the classroom fell into pieces?
“Lord Jesus, show me someone that desperately needs you and let me help lead them to you…anyone, Jesus, anyone.”
~*~
“They must be new recruits.”
“Barely trained recruits. They can hardly march, Kurt.”
“There’s no need to be harsh. Training is difficult.”
Gripping a lit cigarette between two fingers, Erich Braun allowed a smirk to play with one corner of his thin lips. “Aw, cute. Riker thinks basic training is hard, Kurt.”
The officer standing behind Erich chuckled. “I heard that.”
Erich dropped his cigar and snuffed it out with the tip of his jackboot. He removed his cap engraved with a skull and crossbones insignia and flattened his blonde hair with his hand. “Marching is hardly difficult, and those Wehrmacht men have to be ready for war. They’re lucky this is only a parade for the Führer and not real war. If they can’t march, they’re not ready for anything.”
“They’re still learning. You should be more patient.”
Patient? Patient with fools who couldn’t even march?
Why would Erich waste his time being patient with idiotic, ignorant fools?
“Only the fittest survive, Riker, you know that. I know that. Everyone knows that. If they cannot march, if they cannot do small duties, then they will die on the battlefield. It’s that simple.”
“That doesn’t mean you have to be harsh-“
“Compassion won’t make them work harder, Schind,” Erich stepped close to his fellow officer, placing his cap atop his head, “and force is the only way to get some to listen. You would be wise to agree with that, Riker, or force may have to be used on you. Your ideas could be considered treasonous, and you don’t want to be accused of that, do you? After all, you would lose your job…your position…perhaps even everyone you care about would be in danger.”
The brunette slowly shook his head.
Masked fear, perhaps even terror, blazed in his dark blue eyes.
Oh, power tasted beautiful on Erich’s tongue.
Erich grinned and wiped his hand, white in some places with cigarette ash, on the front of Riker’s Schutzstaffel uniform. “And I’d certainly hate for Hans to hear about any of this. Although perhaps a bruise here or there would finally convince you to be strong for the Third Reich.”
Riker shifted; his gaze fell to his jackboots as if he were a child caught stealing candy.
Erich released a deep, guttural laugh. “Pitiful.”
Riker looked away, biting his lip. Good. He needed to be ashamed.
Erich turned on his heel to watch the parade, pulling a cigarette from a pocket and a lighter from another. He brought the cigarette to his lips, cupped his hand around the lighter, and lit the end.
He watched uniformed men march past in celebration of their Führer, his Führer,
One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three.
Victory was crucial.
The Third Reich had to rise victorious.
The Fatherland had to be saved.
And Erich would do everything in his power to make sure it was.
@freedomwriter76
Ooh, my curiosity is peaked! please tell me more
Do me a favor…. Tell Cress I meant it
-Thorne- Rank: Chosen One
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@smiley Well, I’ve had this idea for a while, haha, but I’ve finally found a first chapter I’m satisfied with lol.
Here’s the basic synopsis:
An SS officer who turned away from his family and faith,
struggling with questions and doubts.
A Messianic Jewish young woman of faith,
returning to Germany only to find that her childhood friend has
joined the SS.
Childhood friends.
One a Christian. The other a proclaimed Atheist.
Both will have to learn more about something beautiful…
God’s Love.
It’s main message is God’s Love…you’re free to ask more questions, but idk exactly what to talk about lol
ngl, I think Erich has so far been one of my fav protags to write currently😂 he’s soooo not a nice guy, but his POV/prose is so much fun to write XD He kinda has a bad boy attitude but can also act like a child on occasion when he doesn’t get his way and is also a charmer to get out of trouble
and ahhh, I love him more than I realized😂🩷
@freedomwriter76
*gasps* I love it!!!
so I take it, it’s a romance?? right?
ngl, I think Erich has so far been one of my fav protags to write currently😂 he’s soooo not a nice guy, but his POV/prose is so much fun to write XD He kinda has a bad boy attitude but can also act like a child on occasion when he doesn’t get his way and is also a charmer to get out of trouble
well now I want to see more of him
Do me a favor…. Tell Cress I meant it
-Thorne- Rank: Chosen One
- Total Posts: 8156
@smiley Aww, tysm!!🩷
Well, no, bc Erich is already married and has a young son haha😅
It’s a friendship, but not a romance.
*whispers*
although I’ve been thinking about writing a Marvel romance soon
👀👀
haha, oh, you’ll definitely see more of him in the future😂😝
@freedomwriter76
RIKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HANS *cries*
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I snippet from my epilogue of Guardian Angels…
“Ow! You’ve gotta be kidding me Maren!” Maren grinned mischievously.
“Your stomach will always be the target of my fist.”
“I can’t believe I thought it was a good idea to make you my brother-in-law.” Noranay laughed at her fiancé.
“Oh, you haven’t seen the worst yet!” Nahim cast her a pained look, as Maren tackled him.
“She’s right! I’m going to make you my sparring partner, put your fists up.”
“Whoa, whoa you two.” Lord Elijah stood in between the two young men. “Maren, you do understand that attacking Nahim is technically assault upon a Lord, right?” Nahim threw his shoulders back, and crossed his arms. Maren lost his grin and said seriously,
“Yep, but I’m a lordling. Technically it’s two lords.” Lord Elijah sighed. Maren grinned at his father’s exasperation. Nahim cracked a smile.
“Not bad, you got around that like Knihan would. You’re very similar in some ways.” Nahim lost his smile, a wistful light almost coming into his eyes, but before anything could really happen, Maren spoke up.
“Oh really? Did he do this?” Maren sidestepped Lord Elijah and punched Nahim in the gut again. “And this?” Maren lashed out towards Nahim’s face, But Nahim knocked his blow out of the way, and punched him lightly in reply.
“Yep, but I always punched him back.” A wide smiled etched across his features, and they were about to go at it again, until Lord Elijah once more stepped in.
“If you two boys are going to spar, go spar somewhere else!”
“Father’s right, come one, Nahim! I’ll beat you to the Ring by a mile!”
“Are you so sure? I bet I could win that race.” Maren started running, calling over his shoulder,
“Not if I start first! Better catch up Nayhelm!”
“No fair!” Nahim burst out running after Maren, slowly gaining. Noranay smiled, and Lord Elijah laughed.
“Those two act like young boys.” He stroked his daughter’s red hair, light reflecting off of the pool’s water and on his face. “How’s Nahim been doing lately?” Nora looked up into her father’s yellow eyes with her kind brown ones.
“Better, I think.” She looked where Nahim was just disappearing with Maren, almost neck to neck. “He’s been less sad, and more joking. Every once in a while, he still gets that look in his eyes, and I’ve caught him staring at his metal arm before.” She looked back into her father’s face. “You do know he has a slight dislike of tech, right?” Elijah raised a dark eyebrow.
“He does? Well, I can see why he hates that arm so much now.” Nora nodded.
“Uh-huh.”
“Do you…do you think he will be a good husband?”
“I’ve already told you that, but yes, I think he’d be even more loyal than Maren to me. He protects what he has with a vengeance, I’ve seen it.” She looked into the sparkling, gentle waves of the pool. “He’s tough, strong, handsome.” Nora sighed wistfully. “Yet at times as gentle as a butterfly. Loyal as a Leavar, faithful as a father.”
“You’re describing an angel! What have you seen of his faults?” Nora thought for a moment.
“He’s at times rebellious, hard-headed. Sometimes he has bursts of anger, but he quickly recovers and apologizes.” Her thin eyebrows furrowed. “And, and I think he keeps some secrets.”
“What do you mean? What makes you think so?” Lord Elijah sat next to his daughter, stroking her hand tenderly.
“Sometimes…like yesterday, he came out of his room, and I saw him before he washed it away, but he was sweating and his hair was tousled more than I’ve ever seen it. He seemed somewhere else until I spoke to him and he wouldn’t tell me anything more than he just hadn’t slept well. But I could see it in his eyes, something more was bothering him. He wouldn’t tell me.” Lord Elijah furrowed his brows.
“Do you think he’s worrying about this new war?”
“Maybe…no, we’re not entering it right? The Helm and the Ward would stay out of the Sovereignty war because of the losses in the Nanian war.”
“Yes, we decided that, but Nahim is his own lord now. Nahor and I have little true sway over him, he can throw himself into this new war, and I think he’s considering it.”
“But, he has no subjects, what would entering the war do?”
“I don’t know, and that bothers me. The name of Nayhelm has been engraved for ages, and the name of Nahim has been engraved recently upon the minds and hearts of the Realn people, especially the Helm and the Ward. His victory on Nana has given him the possibility to be a rally point. If he tried, he could sway the people into war.” Nora was silent, staring into the waves of the pool.
“Do you…do you think he’d want to do that?”
“I don’t know, as I sad. And not knowing means I can’t really do anything about it if it happens.”
“I don’t think he will. He often doesn’t realize his full potential, he didn’t even know he was a lordling until Nahor told him. And he lost his clan in the war, he wouldn’t want to loose the family-clans closest to him too. I think…I think he’ll enter the war alone if he does. He’s the last Nayhelm, and he would rather that clan die all together than have the Ward and the Helm die too. But, Father, if he joins the war, I will too.”
“I know, Noranay. Just be careful ‘kay?”
“I promise I’ll be.” Nora took her father’s hand and put it to her cheek, leaning her head into his fingers. “I promise.”
"You need French Toast."
My notifs didn’t tell me about this!!!!!! I’m so mad!
@freedomwriter76
💕💕💕💕
😭😭😭 Riker!! I’ll forever love you bud!
So…other than the emojis above, my other thoughts were on this section
The brunette slowly shook his head.
Masked fear, perhaps even terror, blazed in his dark blue eyes.
Oh, power tasted beautiful on Erich’s tongue.
Erich grinned and wiped his hand, white in some places with cigarette ash, on the front of Riker’s Schutzstaffel uniform. “And I’d certainly hate for Hans to hear about any of this. Although perhaps a bruise here or there would finally convince you to be strong for the Third Reich.”
Riker shifted; his gaze fell to his jackboots as if he were a child caught stealing candy.
Erich released a deep, guttural laugh. “Pitiful.”
And…😂…the entire time I was thinking that if Alpha was Riker, he would just flatten Erich with his fist, shout “Death to Hitler!” At the top of his lungs, then fight every loyal SS officer before probably dying. For some reason that was funny, maybe cuz my charries are so rebellious (like me🙄) that they wouldn’t really be alive without their armor to save them. Meanwhile…Riker…
Idk, I don’t think that’s really funny to anyone else, but anyways whatever.
My overall thoughts: the emojis (sorry, my brain translator broke so I’m resorting to emojis to save myself from sounding like an idiot)
"You need French Toast."
And…😂…the entire time I was thinking that if Alpha was Riker, he would just flatten Erich with his fist, shout “Death to Hitler!” At the top of his lungs, then fight every loyal SS officer before probably dying. For some reason that was funny, maybe cuz my charries are so rebellious (like me🙄) that they wouldn’t really be alive without their armor to save them. Meanwhile…Riker…
Idk why, but that was funny to me and made me laugh…maybe I have a weird/dark sense of humor lol
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333@freedomwriter76
Aw, I love that!
I don’t think I ever get a notif when people tag me in this forum, maybe using the chat chat is better XD I found it by cioncidence
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
@rae Nahim has a metal arm? Cool!!
(IDK why but I think charries with mechanical parts are really cool)
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
Yeah, from Nahim’s right elbow down is robotic. I might make it the entire arm.
"You need French Toast."
@scoutfinch180 @savannah_grace2009 @jonas @highscribeofaetherium @freedomwriter76 @smiley @whalekeeper @loopylin @esther-c @calyhuge (idk what I’m doing I’m just typing tags, if you can tell XD) you may ignore
So, this is a short story i just revised after a year of leaving it in it’s awfulness. A couple spots are giving me trouble, so I’m gonna post it to get your opinions. Say more than “It’s good” or “It’s bad.” I would like reasons why you like it or don’t like it.
Also, is it an enjoyable and a (mostly) easy read?
Anyways, i present to you, Nahim before I killed his family and destroyed his life…
Nahim Nayhelm was today twenty-one. The Laxorian landscape of tall grasslands spread out before him like a great and endless carpet, filled with armored Realn as they prepared for the ensuing battle on the old ruin grounds of the city of Laxan. Nahim’s hands glided through the checks of his weapons, his thoughts dwelling on the birthdays he had had on this planet that remained close to his heart. His thoughts walked anew among those memories, among those lilies, and among those heart-piercing thorns. Among years of pathways with shady, dark forests, and of fields, full of the blooms of early youth, kissed by the Sunshine of Blessings.
There was his fifteenth when he was given his first suit of Mithaln, or Realn steal, armor. When he was five, and Knight, his Leavar friend, had hatched from his dark-colored egg. But out of all fifteen, and now sixteen birthdays on Laxor, his thirteenth was the most remembered and replayed. Looking up at those again-smoking volcanoes, his mind walked through the pathways of those advents yet another time. The day when on Maz 19th, his two mischievous older brothers tried to teach him a moral, would never be forgotten…
Twelve-year-old Nahim cast little bits of metal and crystal across a rough floor in disgust. He hung his head, every minute of free time he had gone to his little private hiding hole and labored over this project for months, and yet he had no progress to show it. He figured a last piece of red crystal, thinking again of how he could have gone wrong. Ting. The little object bounced on the floor as Nahim let it slip through his fingers.
Drawing out his pen, Nahim, for what seemed the thousandth time, studied his graphs, cross-sections, and sketches. Notes were scribbled in black ink on the margins. Crossed out bits held a history of fails, giant lines crossing a page. I’m missing something, but what?
With his left hand, he unhooked the sword that dangled from his side. Sun orange molten crystal shot from the sword handle, then hardened into a single edged sword. A sudden high surge of energy melts the crystal, then it naturally, and automatically hardens, but still glows. It forms into whatever form it has been shaped to as a little “baby crystal” He looked down at his crystal of red, it was the shape he wanted. Desired amount of notches in handle for pinky, or thumb to push. Piece rotates and runs the mechanism to energize crystal. I have all of the parts, casings, mechanisms, crystals, energy. What’s wrong? Do I need another way to activate the sword? But, I like pushing it with my thumb. I’ve got the automatic reflex now too.
“Ugh!” He switched the sword in his hand off, and placed it by his side while his other hand threw his pen across the small rock room with its slanting roof.
Months, months of secret work all alone. It had been hard to get some of his dad’s friends not to tell him that the little twelve-year-old was buying parts from them. It had been hard to get out of the piercing gaze of his famed teacher, Dare Nayhelm, Savior of the Dragons. He had daydreamed about finally proudly unveiling his secret project that he, and he alone, had succeeded in making. But now that daydream seemed to go away with a puff of smoke. He had failed…again. I guess I should tell Master Dare, and get his…No, a Nayhelm does what he means to do, I shall finish it on my own. I just…need a break.
Four little low chirps sounded, and through a triangular crack, a muzzle with flared nostrils, black with red interiors, poked through. Nahim rested his hand on the smooth scales of a creature’s nose. Red slime coated his fingers.
“Yeah, I know Knight, it’s time to go. This project needs another look in the morning.”
Carefully, Nahim concealed his pieces under a wrinkled rug, before leaving the stone hollow. He was met with intense heat; the red glare of lava reflected off his face. He grabbed his cloak and wrapped it around himself, shutting out the warmth. Then he noticed the red layer on his hand.
“Knight, if you please, get this off before my hand gets set on fire.” The obedient leavar tenderly licked the hand of his master and friend. With that done, Nahim walked down the lonely stone tunnels under the city of Laxan. He parted with his friend when the tunnel was blocked by a sealed door. Typing a code in the padlock, the door silently and quickly opened, and just as silently, closed behind the boy.
His feet touched smooth-cut stone, a far cry from the rough floor and walls of the previous passage. He ran along many of these tunnels, passing some Realn who nodded greeting to the boy they knew well. He was the son of a Master, and the chosen apprentice of a great Realn hero. In Laxan, everyone knew Nahim and his brothers.
Back in his house, Nahim attempted to slink up the stairs without his mother noticing.
“Nahim, what would you like tomorrow for your birthday?” A thin hand tapped his shoulder as he went to run up the stairs. He felt like slapping himself in the face. He had been so wrapped up in his thoughts about the ruined sword, he had forgotten tomorrow he turned thirteen! Turning to meet the gaze of those blue crystalline eyes, he thought for a second.
“Uh…Yeah, I made a list, but…it’s in my room. Can you give me a sec, Mom?”
“Sure. But, Nahim, if you put ‘ban little brothers from the house’ on your list, I would suggest crossing it out now.”
Oops. She still remembers last year. Nahim swung around the corner of the stairs, using his hand around the first post for the railing as support.
“Don’t worry, Mom. Larin hasn’t been such a terrible terror lately.” Narony smiled as her third son burst up the stairs with the energy of youth…
Thirteen-year-old Nahim zipped around the corner of a Realn house, his black hair hitting his face. Deactivating his hover board, he stepped onto the ground and scooped it up in his arms. Pressing himself against the metal building, he puffed out warm breaths. The city of Laxan was always hot in the month of Maz. Pushing aside a lock of wet hair, he scanned the horizon with his red eyes. The city stretched on for a little ways before halting and giving way to a grassland to the right and a forest of tall Laxorian trees to the left. Behind him lay most of Laxan, and behind that loomed two smoking volcanoes. The Laxan Twins rarely erupted, to the disappointment of Nahim.
The Realn people are a warrior people, who have dealt with war and battles since Ancient Wond. They are a people known for living in harsh places, on volcanic planets, and even in Ancient Wond, lived on islands infested with dragons and volcanoes. A volcanic eruption was part of life and culture. Nahim felt he was missing out, for he had never seen an eruption but once on the planet Lortin.
Nahim turned his back to the city, and took in the sweet aroma that the grasslands gave the air when the temperature soared above 120 degrees Celcen. In other words, about 14 Realn months every two years.
He had just come from the end of his birthday party. It was near the end of the day, and he longed to get back to Knight and his project. He halted for a second, instead of dashing off for the route he used. He got the feeling like he was being watched.
Strong hands gripped Nahim’s shoulders from behind and turned him. The smooth, playful face of Nahim’s older brother, Alin, met his gaze.
“I’ve found you, finally. Do you realize how long it takes to find the Wind when it’s playing games?” A glint flashed in his brown eyes. He nonchalantly swung a pair of speeder goggles from his index finger.
“You are going to take a joyride?” Hopefully, Alin would just ask what Nahim was doing (to which the answer would be a visit to Knight) and leave. The flicker in Alin’s eyes sparked again
“Yes, but this time I’m going to take the teen boy on a special trip, an excursion into the fields and forest.” The thirteen-year-old looked past his fifteen-year-old brother and smiled his own playful smile, though in reality his heart sunk that he could not go to his hiding place. He would turn down Alin’s offer, but that would arouse Alin’s suspicions; Nahim never turned down a speeder ride.
“Well since Larin hasn’t grabbed me to play Alley Dash again, I guess I can go.” The youngest Anoran and Narony Nayhelm child, Larin, giggled from behind Alin. Alin laughed. Larin had a persuasive way of getting Nahim to play that old game. Alin set his hover board on the ground, before stepping on it and zooming off after instructing Nahim and Larin to follow him on their boards. With Larin still trying to get Nahim to play, the three brothers zoomed back to their home near the edge of the largest Nayhelm city.
They crisscrossed along streets and took a few alleyway shortcuts that they were famous for, before reaching the tower-like house they called home. Master Anoran was steward of the city of Laxan while Lord Adorian was away on this new and vicious Nanian War. Because of this status their home was made to reflect in architecture the Lord’s Tower. This dark, metallic grey with spiraling black tower had been Nahim’s home all his life, and as far as he knew, all of Alin’s too. These children had never known another home, and this home was thoroughly known. Every alleyway was mapped in their minds, and every nook and cranny on this side was no longer new.
Narony smiled as she watched the brothers raced each other the last bit home. Alin reached the door first with a thump, and Nahim and Larin tackled him neck to neck. Within a minute, Alin stepped into the door saying something about how he was an innocent victim of a couple black-haired predators. Narony shook her head. Raising four boys was always going to be interesting.
“I found the second pair of speeder gear, Alin.” Her second oldest nodded as she handed him the second pair of speeder goggles, and suit. Which Nahim in turn, took from him and marched up to his room. Well, except he still ran up the stairs.
Nahim, now sporting a navy blue speeder suit with a stripe of electric blue down the side, stepped from the coated metal building he called home.
Out of the corner of his eye he saw the oldest brother, Knihan, stifle a grin. Nahim knew when that grey-eyed mischief-making city-guard grinned, he had a plan brewing. Usually a prank. Nahim was glad that Knihan would not have a chance to get at him today. He’d have to divert his devious plans onto Larin, if he wasn’t the victim of Alley Dash first. Alin stepped out of the triangular door and tossed Nahim a pair of speeder goggles.
“Get ready, little teen. From here on in, it’s a life of dangerous adventures.” Nahim thought nothing of the last statement as he mounted the back of the black and electric blue Realn speeder. Alin sat down in front of his little brother and snapped into place his goggles. They leaned forward together in the posture Alin always used with speeders. With a twist of the handle the two of them sped towards the edge of Laxan.
The shear speed sent wind to bombard their faces and play in their hair. Without the goggles their eyes would start to fill with water, and the picture of the world about them would grow too fuzzy to see clearly. Their black hair sometimes came back to whip their faces if they slowed suddenly. The tall grasslands bowed as they passed and occasionally revealed the orange-and-black-striped carnivorous creatures that prowled the grassland after the flighty grazing animals that commonly fled as the two brothers passed. The call of a loud Leavar traveled on the air. The high pitch was ear-piercing.
“Knight calling his buddies?” Alin asked. Nahim knew that call anywhere. His beautiful black and red Leavar friend was chieftain of those volcano-dwelling wonders. His call could be heard miles away, and had a unique ring. He was somewhat taken aback that his brother needed to ask if it was Knight or not.
“Alin, do you know any Leavar with that long, and that high-pitched a call?” Alin couldn’t say he did. And of course that was the case, no one could. Knight trumped them all. Four loud chirps called after the loud call. Knight was calling to Nahim. Alin never noticed the sad and disappointed look on Nahim’s face as he directed the speeder towards the forest. Laxorian trees soon loomed about them. Tall, grey trunks ended on one end with stretching roots. On the other hung spherical leaves and fruits. These trees where spaced about 20 meters apart, but there was no break in the thick, overhead foliage. Dense bushes and thickets, along with other types of trees and saplings, made this forest crowded, but not hard for Alin to maneuver through. He had learned to use a speeder here, and every obstacle was known to him. Evening was nearing, and soon this entire forest would be dark before the grasslands thanks to the foliage. Nahim felt a jolt as the speeder picked up speed. Alin was going to rush it again. Nahim enjoyed watching the streaks of color fly by.
This was where he usually felt like he belonged, with the wind whipping his hair and hitting his face. Alin guiding the speeder excellently through the forest. But the four chirps of Knight were still in his mind. Even if he wanted to, Nahim knew that his voice would not carry in response all the way back to Knight.
Alin turned, sharply and suddenly, jolting Nahim out of his thoughts. There was a strange screech that made Nahim cringe from the belly of the speeder. It was scraping against the wide trunk of a tree. What was Alin doing? He never scraped against trees. After scraping the tree, the speeder whined and lost altitude, crashing at a downward angle into a thicket.
Nahim lifted himself out of the brush. The scent of flowers, earth, and Laxorian sap filled his nostrils. He looked himself over and then turned to see Alin also lifting himself up.
“I think the speeder is broken.” Nahim narrowed his eyes in suspicion. Alin never crashed. He was a top pilot with ships, speeders, gliders, zips, cruisers, anything Nahim could think of!
“You did that on purpose!”
Alin chuckled.
“Yep and guess what? You have to fix it all by yourself.”
“What! All by myself? It’s almost dark and why can’t you help me?”
Alin was cradling his wrist with his other hand.
“I might have broken my wrist. I can’t really help besides you’re a teen, you can do more than before, right?” Nahim was wondering if Knihan’s grin was really about the “joyride.” Nahim sighed. He knew, no matter how bad Alin’s “logic” was, he would never win this argument. Knihan and Alin had a knack for getting their way. Besides if this double-crossing brother of his was really hurt, who was he to inflict more pain on Alin? Nahim grunted as he flipped the speeder over. He fumbled through a compartment near the rear of the speeder. From this he pulled out a few shiny metal tools, and began working on the interior of the broken speeder. As Nahim investigated the full extent of the damages he thought it unlikely that just a belly-scrape did it. Pieces deeper inside the speeder were fiddled with.
“Knihan sabotaged this!” Alin said nothing, but there was a guilty look to his face, and a mischievous twinkle to his eyes.
The forest was dark now. Nightly sounds of insects was the background to the once or twice accuracy of a creatures’ screech. Nahim still hadn’t fixed the broken speeder. He rolled back on his heels, and let his shoulders sag. He couldn’t do it.
“This is impossible.” He cast the tools, and night torch on the ground. He had failed. Silence followed except the resounding insects and some rustling leaves, pounding into Nahim’s mind that they were alone out here.
“Ow!” Alin stopped whatever he had been doing with his wrist. “Well, Nahim, for now on, I promise not to use my hand to break my fall.” Nahim glanced up with his brother with tired eyes before sighing and hanging his head again as Alin went back to feeling his wrist and playing with his fingers. They ignored each other in a few moments of silence.
Pop. The strange, unfitting sound wasn’t loud, nor inaudible above the insect serenade. Alin stepped forward, and stretched his fingers.
“Need some help, little guy?” Nahim did not shift his downcast position. “Nahim, did you know that your old big brother can actually fix speeders almost one-handed? Did you also know popped-out-of-joint bones feel very much like breaks, and that when you do something to your wrist that out-of-place bone will snap back? Funny, isn’t it, how we learn things by experience, especially when we don’t expect it?” Laughter must have be Alin’s only voice. A gentle hand tousled Nahim’s hair. “What do you need? Right now, in this moment?” Nahim’s downcast red eyes met Alin’s brown ones under those matter-a-factly-raised eyebrows.
“You to go away. What else would I need?”
“I don’t know, maybe some kind of joke. I mean, you don’t really look that jolly.”
Nahim got to his feet and chuckled quietly, picking up the night light.
“C’mon, Nahim! Admit it. You are stumped, you don’t know what to do. The speeder is broken and you don’t know how to fix it. You want to ask for help, but you’re too proud to ask. You think you can do it in just another hour, but, in reality, you can’t. So! What do you need right now?”
“You to stop preaching.”
“No! You know that’s not the right answer!” Alin threw his hands in the air in exasperation, then rubbed the bridge of his nose in exasperation. “Help, help! It’s so clear that you need help! Nahim Alfred Nayhelm! Can’t you not give me trouble for once!”
“Nah, not until you don’t give me any trouble.” Nahim grinned wide.
“Deal, we’ll keep annoying each other then.”
It was about midnight when the speeder and two weary brothers came home. The well-rested Knihan greeted the yawning teens with a contented grin.
“Well, what did you learn?” Nahim wiped some sweat from his brow with the back of his hand.
“What? This was a lesson?” Knihan and Alin nodded in unison, before Knihan repeated his question. “How about never go on a trip with your big brother on your birthday.” Alin slugged Nahim’s shoulder with a playful fist.
“Oh, Come on! You know Dad would never allow it if we didn’t have something better than that!” Alin had a point.
“Maybe that two heads and two pairs of hands are better than one?” Knihan ran his armored hands over his buzz-cut black hair, and gave this bored look at Alin.
“He didn’t learn anything, did he?” Alin chuckled.
“Besides that we are mischief makers, I guess not.” Suddenly the thought struck Nahim. What if he had been alone? What if it was an uncontrolled crash and Alin had been unconscious, or worse? Nahim would have been almost truly alone, and would have never been able to fix that speeder.
“I couldn’t have done it alone?”
“Yes!” The two voices of Knihan and Alin blended perfectly.
“Well, that and we wanted you to see the sense in the proverb:
‘Two are better than one,
Because they have a good reward for their labor.
For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.
But woe to him who is alone when he falls,
For he has no one to help him up.
Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm;
But how can one be warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him.
And a threefold cord is not quickly broken’
Never go it alone, little brother, no matter how, old, strong, supposedly wise, or brave you are, never go it alone. Never go into something head first unless you know you are on Ehyeh’s side either. He will never leave you, our God never changes. Plus, you also need to ask for help every once in a while…like with a certain little project that isn’t going well…” Nahim bolted into a posture as straight as an arrow, looking at Alin with wild eyes.
“How did you know about that?”
“Knihan read your journal.” Nahim turned to Knihan. His brother raised his hands in the air in defense.
“I confess. You left it open on the table one day, and I just saw a few sentences. I did not sneak into your room! Go look at someone else with your fiery red eyes, Strange One.” Nahim relaxed, nodded, almost wearily smiled, and decided it was way past his bedtime. Knihan gave one last grin.
“Hey, at least YOU weren’t grabbed to play probably a hundred games of Alley Dash!” Nahim returned one of Knihan’s mischievous grins. Alin laughed….
Next morning a Thirteen-year-old boy and his leavar friend walked down the rough stone passages again. Silently, Nahim slid into his little stone room, grabbing his things and putting them in a sack. He once again went back to the smooth-cut passages, and out into the sunlight of the three Realn suns. A tall man waited there, with dark brown hair and deep eyes. One his chest, woven into the fibers of his grey shirt was a mysterious symbol that Nahim couldn’t put meaning to. A fur cape, clasped with silver Mithaln clasped, was over his shoulders. Gently taking the sack from Nahim’s hand, the master walked with the boy to a zip and Nahim’s hover board. Later that day, Nahim dashed into his house with the same man, Master Dare, and showed his mother and brothers the finished piece, a red crystal sword with a dragon head handle.
After that, he often asked for help, finding it so much easier to “never go it alone.”
But what about Nahim now? At age twenty-one? It had been easy to believe such things, but now he truly felt alone. His family was dead. And his friends he had left behind.
“What’s wrong?” A woman’s voice pierced his thoughts. Nahim shook himself to come back to the present. Noranay was looking at him with those beautiful brown eyes of hers, a feminine version of Alin’s. Her red hair hung freely over her shoulders. Nahim shook his head.
“Nothing really.” Noranay searched his face from his scar to his chin before taking in a breath.
“You ready for this battle?” Nahim rose and nodded slowly.
“Let’s do this, together.”
GLOSSARY and PRONOUNCIATIONS
ALIN _ AY-lin _ Second oldest Anoran and Narony Nayhelm child. Occupation: Realn pilot. Age: fifteen
ALLEY DASH _ Game commonly payed by Realn children in urban areas including 2 and up participants, fake laser guns, and a good position for hiding and shooting. The point is to be the last one standing.
ANCIENT WOND _ WON-d _ the planet, Wond, in its ancient ages.
ANORAN _ UH-nor-an _ Steward of Laxan, and father to the Nahim, Alin, Larin, and Knihan. Married to Narony.
EHYEH _ EH-yeh _ The God of the Realn.
GA _ abbreviation for Galaxy Age
LARIN _ LAR-in _ Youngest Anoran and Narony child. Age: eight
LAXAN _ LAX-in _ Largest Nayhelm city which is destroyed by the Nanians in 10,015 GA, 2 years after this story’s setting.
LAXOR _ LAX-ore _ a Planet; part of the Tri-solar Realn system. Home to many unique species and five hundred Realn family-clans.
LAXORIAN _ LAX-ore-ree-an _ anything that belongs to Laxor.
LEAVAR _ LEAH-var _ a volcano-dwelling amphibian only native to Laxor who has a long and high-pitched call that can sometimes be heard miles away. There are many different species ranging from the size of a man’s hand to the size of a Belgium horse. They are very friendly many times and often are replacements for horses around areas where they live.
LORD ADORIAN _ UH-door-ee-an _ Lord of the Nayhelm from 9,992 GA till his death in 10,016 GA.
MITHALN _ MITH-all-n _ or Realn steal as most outsiders of the Realn people call it. It is a silver colored metal used for the making of Realn weapons and armor, noted for its strength. It was only found on the Realn isles in Ancient Wond, and only found in the Realn system in the Wond Galaxy.
NAHIM _ NAY-him _ Main character. Third Anoran and Narony Nayhelm child. Born in 10,000 GA on the Earthling January fifteenth.
NARONY _ NARR-own-ee _ Mother to Nahim, Alin, Larin and Knihan. Wife to Anoran.
NAYHELM _ NAY-hel-m _ a Realn family-clan that lived on Laxor before being wiped out in the Nanian war.
KNIHAN _ KNEE-hon _ Oldest Anoran and Narony Nayhelm child. Occupation: city guard. Age: seventeen.
NORANAY _ NORA-nay _ Realn woman of the age of nineteen and part of the Helm family-clan.
REALN _ REE-el-n _ A warrior people who originated in Ancient Wond. They follow a series of different Codes but value most the Code of Honor. They are made up of family-clans, families, Lone Ones and an emperor. The different classes are Warriors, Masters of War, Lords, Barons, Dukes, et cetera and an emperor and/or empress. The different ages are Young One (ages 14 and below ), Young Warrior (ages 15 to 20), and Warriors (ages 20 to death.)
WOND _ WON-d _ a planet on which Wondian men, elves, dwarves, et cetera came from.
WONDIAN _ WON-d-dee-an _ anything that originates and/or belongs to Wond.
WOND GALAXY _ WON-d _ the Galaxy in which Wond is located, named so because the Wondians were the first to develop space travel.
I might be missing some parts that should be italicized.
"You need French Toast."
The story overall was good. I’m not sure the framing device you used was necessary. There are a few typos and awkward sentences, but I won’t bother pointing them out unless you would like me to. I feel like you were a bit heavy on getting the “moral” across. It might be better to let Nahim/the reader figure it out on his/their own. The actual writing was good, save for the aforementioned typos and awkward sentences.
Sorry that’s just my rapid fire thoughts. Hopefully that makes sense.
One other thing not related to the story itself is the way you did your pronunciations in the glossary. I had a hard time reading those. Generally the way you write a pronunciation is to write each syllable phonetically and put a dash between each one. For example:
MITHALN _ MITH-all-n
If I am pronouncing this correctly, this is only two syllable, and the pronunciation should be written as “MITH-alln.” You have the ‘n’ connected by a dash, which implies that it is a separate syllable, which I don’t think you are trying to convey.
REALN _ REE-el-n
Similarly with this, if I’m pronouncing this correctly, it should be only one syllable. (It’s pronounced like the word “realm” but with an ‘n’ sound, right?) The pronunciation would just be “Reln”—the most basic way you can write the sound it makes.
I assumed it was pronounced this way, but just to check, is that correct? Or is it two syllables, with the e and a vowel sounds being separated to make it more like “Re-aln”?
🏰 Fantasy Writer
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📚 Appreciator of BooksThank you for your thoughts.
I don’t really understand pronunciations that well, I know how it should sound in English, and I know how it should sound in Realn (for in reality, all the pronunciations are off, since the Realn language often adds sounds to words that are not represented in the word itself.) mainly because of accents and where the Realn come from (what planet/island)
As the pronunciation of “Realn” there are a couple levels to it…
Beginning
It is not quite “Realm” with an “n”. I sometimes used this example (mostly in the past) just to get the overall idea of what the word sounds and looks like. I don’t use it anymore, since if your pronounce “Realm with an “n”, you get this odd-sounding word that is foreign to my tongue. Instead, it is truthfully pronounced “Ree-eln.”
Ending
The more complicated part of pronouncing “Realn” is that some Warriors add a short “e” to the “r”, making it “Reh-ee-eln” and saying that without making a break in word, as if it were “reh’ee-eln” is hard so I imagine it being hard for others too. Because of this, I omit accents that are like that.
Probably none of that makes sense
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