- This topic has 2,156 replies, 40 voices, and was last updated 3 months, 1 week ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Aww thank you! I haven’t seen you around in awhile… I’ll just wait for you to respond to light as to how you are doing instead of duplicating the question XD
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
I get it lol, and thank you for wanting to ask ❤️
🤪
And thank you soooo much for asking about me!! 🥰
How is writing going?
Writing is actually going great!! I haven’t updated my WIP topic or anything like that, but I tend to keep to myself when the ideas are flowing, soooo 😂 When I seem nonexistent, that’s usually a good sign.
I’ve been seeing some great opportunities to symbolize concepts in my project, and I’m also seeing a bigger-picture structure, which helps since I don’t know how long I want it to be 😜
Just a matter of time and dedication.
And also choosing which concepts to use and to change, because I am sO bAd at ThAt *groans*
How are you? ❤️
I’m…
I’m…
I’m ME 😉
😂 Lol just kidding, but I’ve been thinking lately about the way I see the world and handle relationships, so yeah. Not new by any means, but always interesting.
I’ve been depressed recently, and I can’t completely put my finger on it, but I decided some of it is my school class dynamic.
I’m very much the go-between, or the jack of all trades, master of none. The master of none part bothers me. Everyone says I’m extremely emotionally mature and all that amazing stuff, since my favorite pastime is psychoanalyzing my classmates for them – buuuuuuut I just wish I got more sleep 😂 And that I was actually blissfully unaware of how different people really are 😂😭😭
Because in the end, what’s the dividing line between searching out wisdom, and overanalyzing to the point of killing yourself?
Idk.
Not to mention, there’s a boy who has a major crush on me, and I can’t bring myself to have that conversation 😭 BrUH I knOw I look sweet and gentle on the outside, but you ain’t seen my stupid side.
…
I’m not going to ramble any longer about myself though 😂 I’mma just throw the exact same questions back, because they are good questions, and they made me feel happy ❤️ How’s your writing and life?
“Everything is a mountain”
It’s just when you spend all your time learning to understand other people, you forget to develop your own sense of self, you know? It doesn’t come as easy.
“Everything is a mountain”
BrUH I knOw I look sweet and gentle on the outside, but you ain’t seen my stupid side.
😂😂😂 I feel that, lol
Boys are….boys.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333It’s just when you spend all your time learning to understand other people, you forget to develop your own sense of self, you know? It doesn’t come as easy.
That’s me when I’ve been writing for too long…
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333So I read your epilogue and a few things stuck out to me…
(ordered by relevance)
1. I love it.
2. In the first part I almost think you use the Name ‘Great One’ a little to much.
3. While Rishona may grow angry, I doubt in such a perfect world she would try to slap someone with no respect. If Elysium is perfect, and the is no pain, there would be no point in slapping someone.
4.Fear is also an emotion I don’t think she could even feel (except the Fear of God) until after she sins. Read genesis 3 aain, and notice that Eve had no fear of the Snake.
5. Rishona would not know that pain causes red marks or bruises or blood or anything of the sort. I know it’s against all that we now today, but your going to have to make this real. If in one part you say there is no pain and it is perfect, and then in the next part there apparently is or has been, you contradict yourself.
6. Also reading Genesis 3, Eve does not act strange until she actually commits the sin, so I doubt that Rishona would either, or that the stranger would bring up any weird thing inside of her.
7. I like the paragraph about ‘power’ consuming her, I think that very much fits with Eve’s temptation to “Become like God.”
8. I LOVE the analogy of a second cookie! Good one.
9.
She took an apprehensive step forward and pitched forward as her foot hit something soft, something large.
Get rid of the first ‘forward’, it doesn’t flow.
10.
As the Great One watched His creation’s destruction from above, His heart burned with agony. Tears pricked his eyes. “My children,” he murmured. “What have you done?” his voice was not filled with anger, but with love, with tenderness. “How I wish I could undo what you have done, and I could in a heartbeat…but no, I have gifted you with the ability to decide for yourselves. You must now face your consequences. But do not fear.” He turned his face down, casting out his hand towards his children. “It will not always be so. I will rescue you. I promise. And never forget my love.”
I am very wary of putting words in God’s mouth. Please, change this paragraph whatever you do, because the statement of “How I wish I could undo what you have done” makes him sound weak. Please change it to…
As the Great One watched His creation’s destruction from above, His heart burned with agony. “My children,” He murmured. “What have you done?” His powerful voice, like the roar of the sea and the rumble of thunder, was not filled with anger, but with love, with tenderness. “I have gifted you with the ability to decide for yourselves. You must now face your consequences. But do not fear.” He turned his face down, casting out his hand towards his children. “It will not always be so. I will rescue you. I promise. And never forget My Love.”
While in my own writing, I would never have a human-physical description, ‘hands’ ‘face’, that’s totally up to you as the author.
11. Overall, you’ve got this! I would read this story after reading this epilogue, I’d just (as a picky person at what I read) remember the things I personally wouldn’t agree with. It wouldn’t sop me from reading the book, I read stuff that I don’t agree with all the tim, I’d just remember it.
So that’s my opinion on your epilogue, feel free to drop down at my disorderly mess of writing and look it over ONLY IF YOU WANT TO. Yeah, in closing good story, just A few touch ups and I like how you can tell its like Eden but no EXACTLY like it, I really love that part. Bye.
Uh-oh. Hold on…Great I’m sorry, I can’t get my Word URL. Sorry.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1TmvQ_8qO56smkhtSnLTN5lsJ09YLMJ-rdq0E1P6EzcY/edit
This is the Google Docs, but it’s not like my Word Document, so if there’s something weird about the formatting, that’s fixed in Word. And the paragraphs are long, yes, but I’m currently fixing that in Word. If you want the Word document, I can email it to you, but I’d rather not make you have to share your email.
"You need French Toast."
Pretty much. (Along with plotting a new WIP for NaNo… 😏)
Good! I’ve been editing directly on the doc, but I think I’m going to print it out and edit it by hand. That might help me see things better.
Ooooh, what is this NaNo WIP???
Ah yes, editing by hand is a good way to do it! 😉
I rolled the log over and underneath was a tiny little stick and I was like, "That log had a child
. While Rishona may grow angry, I doubt in such a perfect world she would try to slap someone with no respect. If Elysium is perfect, and the is no pain, there would be no point in slapping someone.
4.Fear is also an emotion I don’t think she could even feel (except the Fear of God) until after she sins. Read genesis 3 aain, and notice that Eve had no fear of the Snake.
5. Rishona would not know that pain causes red marks or bruises or blood or anything of the sort. I know it’s against all that we now today, but your going to have to make this real. If in one part you say there is no pain and it is perfect, and then in the next part there apparently is or has been, you contradict yourself.
6. Also reading Genesis 3, Eve does not act strange until she actually commits the sin, so I doubt that Rishona would either, or that the stranger would bring up any weird thing inside of her.
Good points. I ended up changing Elysium a bit, because I want to keep the events the same, but like you said, it would be contradicting myself. So I made it so that in Elysium, pain does exist, its just hard to experience because no one has the desire to do evil, so people don’t harm each other. Animals cannot harm people since they don’t eat meat, and the Great One made their bodies virtually perfect so unless they purposefully walk into a wall, they normally don’t get hurt.
This story is supposed to closely follow the Bible, but I’m going to differ from it a little. Elysium is not an exact representation of Genesis 3. Since the Stranger is actually “evil incarnate”, and to make it clearer that this stranger is not a good guy, I think it’s normal for Rishona to feel the sense that he’s evil and to feel some apprehension.
I am very wary of putting words in God’s mouth. Please, change this paragraph whatever you do, because the statement of “How I wish I could undo what you have done” makes him sound weak. Please change it to…
Okay, thank you so much for catching that! I fixed it 🙂
1. Overall, you’ve got this! I would read this story after reading this epilogue, I’d just (as a picky person at what I read) remember the things I personally wouldn’t agree with. It wouldn’t sop me from reading the book, I read stuff that I don’t agree with all the tim, I’d just remember it.
So that’s my opinion on your epilogue, feel free to drop down at my disorderly mess of writing and look it over ONLY IF YOU WANT TO. Yeah, in closing good story, just A few touch ups and I like how you can tell its like Eden but no EXACTLY like it, I really love that part. Bye.
Awww thanks girl! I’ll definitely read that! Also, if you want to, please read the other chapters. You have given me a lot to think about on the prologue and I really appreciate all your critiques! <3
Thanks Rae!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Oh yeah, that’s a really good idea! I’ll have to keep that in mind. 🙂
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Ooooh, what is this NaNo WIP???
Wellll…
I won’t explain it all now because I’m planning to share more about it later today. So I’ll tag you then. 😊
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
@rae @mineralizedwritings @esther-c
Here’s a new scene I’m working on. Thoughts? Concerns?
She ran across the prairie. She didn’t know where she was going, and she didn’t care. Running helped her to forget…to forget last night, and all the other nights like it.
“Scream all you want…ain’t nobody gonna here you…” she could still feel the welts on her arms as the belt screamed through the air and found its mark, still feel the cold hands of fear, still smell the alcohol on his breath…
No. Just run, don’t think about that…she focused on every footfall, pushing herself to her limits. As her feet flew over the dirt, as the wind stung her cheeks and made her eyes water, she left the memories behind. Every time she started to have another shuddering flashback, she broke into a sprint so her memories could not catch up with her.
However, running from her problems was only temporary, she knew. Sooner or later, she would have to face Lilitu, and then she would have to go back to Iver…
“Sef!” she heard a voice calling from behind her…the voice wavered and cracked at the end. “Sef!” she stopped running, and turned around. In the distance she saw Lilitu, limping after her. He brushed his black hair out of his eyes, which were now filled with hurt. Grumbling, Sef settled down on a rock to wait for him, although she did not want to. She had already made a fool of herself, crying in front of him, and then she had left him behind…some friend I am, she chided herself.
Her heart was beating a mile a minute from the previous exertion, and her lungs had a hollow ache. Or maybe, she realized, the hollow ache was in her heart.
She focused her eyes on a patch of dirt and glared at it with an intensity that she half expected it to burst into flames, and waited for Lilitu to catch up with her.
She closed her eyes and perched on the edge of the rock, tensing up so her whole body was rigid, willing herself to maintain the little control she had over her emotions. She was not going to cry in front of Lilitu, she was not, she told herself.
But when Lilitu reached her rock, and she looked into his eyes, the color of the stormy sky, she lost it. Burying her face in her hands to hide her tears from him, she brought her knees up to her chin, every gut wrenching sob causing her shoulders to quiver.
Lilitu stood there, wide eyed, as if pinned in place by an unseen force. The pitiful expression on his face made Sef want to laugh.
And then Lilitu did something so unlike him, it made Sef question all reality.
He sat down beside her on the rock, put an arm around her, and pulled her close. With every tear that trickled down her cheeks, Lilitu flinched as if sharing her pain.
“Shh, it’s alright,” he whispered, his breath tickling her ear, sending rapid ice-cold sensations up and down Sef’s spine. “I-” he continued in a choked voice. His tone dropped to a low whisper. “It’s alright,” he whispered, stroking her hair. “You’re safe.”
He held her in his strong arms until she was no longer trembling, until the tears ceased to flow, until the strong flow of the memories tormented her no longer. Her breathing became steady, and she leaned her head against Lilitu’s broad shoulder, peering out at the world with swollen eyes.
Birds twittered merrily in the distance, performing elaborate twists and flitting about in the cerulean sky overhead, calling Sef to join them, but she didn’t feel like dancing or singing, not now.
The two sat for what seemed to Sef like hours, but must have only been minutes.
Finally she dared to ask him, “How did you know?”
“I’m not sure,” he smiled wryly, “It just seemed like you…the girl, her pain, the way you cried.”
“I’m sorry,” Sef whispered. She knew how much he hated seeing people cry, and she hated other people watching her cry. “I don’t know what happened…” Lilitu frowned.
“No, no, don’t apologize. I can’t imagine…” he then proceeded to say a swear word that was so unlike him that Sef’s first thought was that someone was wearing a mask and impersonating him. “That Iver…I can’t believe…has he been…hurting you for long?”
For a moment, Sef watched the prairie grass sway in the breeze. She wasn’t used to talking about her… problems with Iver.
Finally she said, “Two years.”
Lilitu swore again. Sef flinched. She didn’t like it when he cursed, it reminded her of Iver. “Two years?” he cried, horror flickering in his gray eyes. “Oh, Sef…” Then he gasped. “Show me your arm,” he told her. Sef frowned, biting her lip.
“Why?” she shifted on the rock.
With gentle hands, Lilitu rolled up her sleeve, and recoiled in shock, crying out. The fresh welts stood out on her skin between her wrist and elbow, purple and black and blue all over, in between bruises. Sef yanked down her sleeve and glared at him.
“Stop,” she said softly. Lilitu’s cheeks flushed a shade of cerise.
“I’m sorry…” he pursed his lips and stared at the ground. “Two years…” he muttered. “You can’t go back there,” he looked into her eyes. “I’m not letting you. What if he-” his voice trailed off.
“It’s alright,” Sef crossed her arms, her face burning crimson. “I’m okay, I can handle him.” She refused to look at LIlitu.
“You are not fine!” Lilitu stood up. “He’s been hurting you for two years!”
“I promise, I’m alright!” Sef spat out the words. The lies left a bad taste in her mouth. “Since when do you care about me?” Lilitu flinched. “You didn’t ask when my arms were wrapped in bandages, you didn’t ask when I showed up to school with a black eye, but now since you think I’m ‘cute’, everything changes!” The dam broke, once she started, she couldn’t stop spewing out the words. “Don’t think I didn’t know, I see the way you look at me, I hear what you say to your brothers….Well, here’s what I think: you’re a creep who’s trying to make me feel better so I’ll like you!” She was crying now, but now she didn’t care.
With that, she turned on her heel and walked away, trying to conceal her fury, but failing miserably.
As the sun beat down on her back, no longer could she hear the leaves crunching, the birds singing, no longer was she conscious of the beautiful afternoon that could have been.
Instead, all she felt was her own anger. Anger and sadness as sharp as a double edged sword, a searing pain in the back of her mind.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333@savannah_garce2009
All I have to say is it’s good and I want you to read the article below, especially number 2.
https://storyembers.org/5-stylistic-choices-you-need-to-stop-making/
This is okay a little bit and in some places (for instance I think it was well-used in the scene where Lilitu was telling Sef his dream) but eventually, and in some places, it just gets annoying and interrupts a read.
"You need French Toast."
😂😂😂 I feel that, lol
Boys are….boys.
Ikr?? And the problem is they can’t take a hint. Chances are, I’m going to have to straight up tell him no. I’m friends with his sister and he’s like a little brother to me, so… just no 😅
That’s me when I’ve been writing for too long…
It’s a mood 🤣
Also about the critique on ellipses @rae gave, although they can be edited, don’t worry about them too much in your snippets here 🥰 So many people on here do the same thing, I’ve actually stopped noticing them as much 😂
“Everything is a mountain”
This is okay a little bit and in some places (for instance I think it was well-used in the scene where Lilitu was telling Sef his dream) but eventually, and in some places, it just gets annoying and interrupts a read.
Okay, got it! I agree I definitely overused those in this segment.
Also about the critique on ellipses @rae gave, although they can be edited, don’t worry about them too much in your snippets here 🥰 So many people on here do the same thing, I’ve actually stopped noticing them as much 😂
Thanks <3 but I do agree with her though…it’s a habit of mine, lol.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.