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I didn’t really notice it seeming clunky! I like the part where she’s thinking back to playing pretend with her friends, it’s so sweet.
Personally, for the flashback part, I think I would leave it out and give more of like a summary, sort of like:
She knew that this was no ordinary dream. And not just because of his reaction. He was telling her that he had dreamed about the events that had happened to her that very night. Thinking back to last night, she held back tears of her own.
It had been a hard night. Iver had come home late, smelling of alchohol, and she hadn’t known what to do. Terrified, she hid, but that had only made his anger worse.
…..
Maybe something like that? I mean, Lilitu already described what happened, sort of, and I feel like it gets a little graphic in the actual flashback part. But it’s really up to you, if you feel like it’s really important to show what she’s going through then maybe you should leave it in.
That’s just my input! You’re welcome to take it or leave it.
WE ARE REVIVING THE PROTECTION SQUAD! *steals Joseph, Julian, and Sabina from Ellette*
Also, @savannah_grace2009 I was gonna ask, how does she know that Lilitu dreamed exactly what happened to her before he even describes what happens?
WE ARE REVIVING THE PROTECTION SQUAD! *steals Joseph, Julian, and Sabina from Ellette*
Sounds good!! I love your style, btw. It’s fresh and unique. 😊
I don’t think it’s too clunky. There may be a few places where it could be made a little smoother, but I’m not sure how to fix that. 😅 If this is just your first or second draft, then I think it’s definitely fine how it is. 🙂
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
The only thing I thought of was how quickly it seemed to drop off at the end. Were you planning to continue their conversation after the flashback in that same chapter, or in a different chapter? To me, it sort of felt like their conversation should continue after the flashback. Ending with the flashback felt very abrupt, and I know sometimes it’s good to leave a cliffhanger at the end of a chapter, but in this case it just didn’t feel like the right stopping point. Idk, again, it could just be that you didn’t get anything else written yet lol.
"Real love is for your good, not for your comfort." -Justin Whitmel Earley
Yeah, it does end abruptly. I really don’t like this chapter, lol. I guess….more EDITING! SO MUCH FUN!!!! (not.)
Maybe something like that? I mean, Lilitu already described what happened, sort of, and I feel like it gets a little graphic in the actual flashback part. But it’s really up to you, if you feel like it’s really important to show what she’s going through then maybe you should leave it in.
Yeah, I just recycled a scene from a chapter of this book I deleted for her flashback. I’m not sure how to write this chapter exactly, so I just kinda threw it together. Thanks for bearing with me!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Is this better?
“Last night, I had a dream…” Lilitu began. They stopped walking in a clearing. “I saw this girl…” he shook his head. “She was crying. She looked so sad, and hopeless…And it was so vivid. I could feel her pain, her suffering, and there was nothing I could do.” His voice was strained. Is he crying? Sef wondered. He sucked in a breath, and his eyes began to tear up. “Her pain was like-like a sharp knife. And I was helpless! I couldn’t do anything! Do you-do you know what that feels like?”
“Yeah,” Sef whispered. Her stomach felt like she got sucker punched. How could he know? “What-what was your dream about?” She dreaded his reply. Lilitu wiped away a tear from underneath his eye.
“The girl was backed into a corner, and then this man was beating her, over and over again…” he kept an even tone, but Sef could read Lilitu like an open book. She knew that this was no ordinary dream. Thinking back to last night, she held back tears of her own.
Right now, she desperately wanted to tell him that she did know, that she knew exactly what he was talking about, because he had, quite literally, described the events that had happened to her last night.
“Scream all you want,” the words resonated in her mind, “Ain’t nobody gonna here you…”
“Sef?” Lilitu put a hand on her shoulder. “Are you alright?” And then Sef realized she was crying. Oh, shoot. She nodded, wiping away tears as more trickled down her cheeks. Lilitu looked skeptical. She could just see the concern in his eyes. He opened his mouth to speak, but she didn’t let him.
“I’m fine,” she sniffled, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I-I have to go….” with that, she turned tail and ran away from him as fast as she could. The wind whipped her face and wiped her tears for her, even as the air made her eyes burn.
She did not know where she was running to.
All she knew was that she needed to run.
***
Lilitu watched the girl effortlessly cross the clearing in a powerful sprint, her hair rippling behind her like an emerald banner in the wind.
As she put more and more distance between the two of them, hurt took her place. Why had she run away? Lilitu wondered. He couldn’t help but feel a little pang of hurt-she knew he couldn’t even walk very quickly, let alone run. She had left him behind.
I still have to finish the scene, but I think it’s a little better (????) Hopefully???
such is the hard life of writing XD
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I get what you mean by clunky, I often feel like I have the same problem. Thses are the parts I think are the most in need of a little bit…
The air was pleasantly cold, nipping the tip of Sef’s nose as she walked in step with Lilitu. The sound of leaves crunching beneath their feet as they walked gave her a pleasant thrill, and there was no wind. Birds twittered in the distance.
It was a perfect Andromedan afternoon, and Sef couldn’t think of anyone she’d rather spend it with than her best friend, Lilitu.
She remembered the carefree days of their youth that had taken place on such mornings, and longed to return…
I like the flashback to childhood days. But this beginning part could use some things. (Okay, this is weird, I feel like I’m reading an email from my favorite critic. this is how he usually says things in his emails.)
First, I want to know what a perfect Andromedan afternoon looks like. Colors. Are they following a dirt road, or just strolling in the woods? Are there any buildings near by? What types of trees would Sef take note of? Any creatures besides birds?
Second, maybe a little rearrangement on your sentences. I would personally most likely put the part about the birds first before the crunching leaves since that’s meant to be a background noise.
Reject and accept my comments as you please. I’m an amateur who thinks your chapter is good, but could be better.
Overall, I like it.
So, this next part has to do with this…
“Last night, I had a dream…” Lilitu began. They stopped walking in a clearing. “I saw this girl…” he shook his head. “She was crying. She looked so sad, and hopeless…And it was so vivid. I could feel her pain, her suffering, and there was nothing I could do.” His voice was strained. Is he crying? Sef wondered. He sucked in a breath, and his eyes began to tear up. “Her pain was like-like a sharp knife. And I was helpless! I couldn’t do anything! Do you-do you know what that feels like?”
I know what it’s like to have a type of emotional pain, and a sharp knife is a good description. I like this part, especially the dialogue. Don’t change it.
I await your next chapter,
-Ruee
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)I must be as blind as a bat!
Okay, I just read your revision of that last part and…I am never allowing you to change it. I have not had the same expierances as Sef, but I see myself in her. Sara, you’ve got this.
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)I like that a lot better! It’s really up to you, though. Rae had some good feedback!
WE ARE REVIVING THE PROTECTION SQUAD! *steals Joseph, Julian, and Sabina from Ellette*
Thanks! That’s so sweet <3
And I’ll go back to EDITING on the first part like you said. You have great feedback! Wanna read the whole thing, XD I’ll post the link! https://editor.reedsy.com/s/p8SdhuQ (if you don’t want to that’s totally fine!) Unfortunately, I don’t have any more chapters following this one, but if you want to critique the ones previous to the one I posted, by all means go ahead! I am always open to suggestion!
Thanks for all your help! I appreciate it.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I shall begin reading, but I can’t promise I’ll have tons of time to read all of it now. Thanks for the link!
P. S.
Don’t worry about the number of chapters, I myself have only gotten to about ten on my current draft!
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)Yeah, don’t worry if you don’t get to all of them! I know it can be a lot, lol.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333@savannah_grace2009 @hybridlore @esther-c @whoever-else
There is something really wrong with this scene. I can’t figure it out at all. Help!
“I told you not to go anywhere.” Mandin was half-laughing.
Nahim turned around suddenly, forgetting his helmet rested in the flowers beside him. Mandin froze, a look of shock in his features.
“What is th –– ” A lock of hair touched Nahim’s face. ‘Oh, no.’ “Mandin, I can explain.” Mandin’s uncovered face had gone pale.
“What kind of trick is this?”
“No trick.” Nahim lowered his eyes to the ground. Mandin had seen them; Nahim’s secret was out. “Please, don’t tell anyone, I will explain everything to you later.”
“Everything?”
Nahim took in a deep breath. Did that mean Mandin wanted to hear about the long-pried-for past that Nahim hid from his sight? Was that raised eyebrow a look of hope for what he wanted Nahim to answer? Yes, it was. He sighed; maybe this was destined.
“Everything.” He lifted his helmet out of its cradle of white, blue, and orange streaked flowers. Pulling his hair out of his way, he slid it back over his head, once more hiding his eyes.
He then stood, casting a look over that peaceful spot, before turning to go with Mandin back to the stone platform.
Mandin walked beside him, but he was not thinking about the light-hearted things that his friend now commented on to lift the tension. He had always wondered what the face was that always hidden either by his helmet, or by a dark speeder mask. Now he had seen it, and he didn’t know what to think.
Nahim could be considered handsome, with a strong nose, a somewhat square clean chin, bushy black eyebrows down close to his eyes, yet not too close, and a mature look to his cheek bones, beyond his age.
Mandin felt it matched, and yet didn’t match his voice, which lacked some of the deepness that he himself had. But that wasn’t what bothered Mandin so.
Those eyes had looked straight into his own, those black pupils, red irises and… red sclerae. How could someone of man and elven lineage have such eyes?
*****
Nahim banged his metal-covered fist on his protected thigh with a sharp clang. He threw his head back onto the leather headrest of the copilot seat of Mandin’s spaceship, the Scorpion Fish.
The thin cockpit was the place he often remained with Mandin at his side in the pilot seat as he was now.
The festivities of yesterday had ended, and now the two partners were back in that paint-splotched colorful place that Nahim now understood.
Mandin’s sister had painted it just for Mandin, saying that the rest of the ship with its dingy gray walls was depressing.
The Scorpion Fish was not a bad spaceship, not a Realn one either. Large engines that were held near the center of the body to the side propelled it at a fast speed. It had a box-like appearance to the body except for the slanted cockpit with its large, curving down window. Along with its cargo bay sized door that slanted out to the jutting-out roof; it had a rather un-Realn shape. It served its purpose and didn’t stand out as a Realn ship would, and that was what it was meant for.
Mandin glanced at the man in the plain tan copilot seat. His brows furrowed. He could not keep his question corralled any longer.
“Nahim, what’s goin’ on? First you seem asleep to the world, then ya show your face. In the name of every curious pricklin’ in the galaxy, what’s goin’ on?” Nahim mindlessly slapped the back of his right hand into the palm of his left.
“I don’t know where to start.” Mandin remained silent, waiting for Nahim to continue. Nahim let his hands fall and sighed. Under his helmet his eyes closed.
“Haye 8th, 10,015. It began first with strategic bombings to trigger the eruption of the Laxan twins. When the beginning of the invasion happened, my parents left along with my older brother, Knihan, who was a city guard. I was to stay with my ten-year-old brother, who they didn’t want in the fray of battle yet. If the Nanians got too far I was to take him out of the city.
“There were few Realn left there. It was mostly refugees from other planets. Ones who we had offered to protect; we lost them all before the end.”
“You mean to say, you were at the Laxan invasion? But no one survived that.” Mandin doubted his friend for a minute.
“Would you make public that you were at a place at a time you’d rather forget?” Mandin nodded for Nahim to continue.
“The fight was cruel. The Nanians outnumbered us, like a mob to a small hunting party. Most of the refugees were just that, refugees, with no training and no ability to protect themselves. Earthquakes rumbled the earth and the Laxan twins erupted for the first time in 14 years. There also was a traitor somewhere” – Nahim spoke through clenched teeth – “who knew of the secrets we kept and gave them to our enemies.” Nahim paused, letting the silence make the gap between the memories and the real world lengthen. When he spoke again, his voice seemed a little strained.
“I could not get my little brother out of the city He was killed. I went to find my mother, father and Knihan, but I found my mother dead in the courtyard of the Lord’s tower. My father fought Vorgan, but lost that fatal duel.” Nahim swallowed.
Oh how could he ever forget? His father’s last words still echoed in every passage of his mind as the breath of life left his mortal body. Hot fire sizzling bodies of fallen Nanians and refugees. His forever home transforming into an uninhabitable rubble. Blasts of more rock and lava bursting forth from the Laxan twins. Weeping, screams, pain, suffering. Earth groaning and moving under his feet as if it itself was feeling the pain of the moment. Heat. Inner pain that felt like it wanted to wrench his heart to pieces from the inside.
He still remembered Knihan’s cry of ‘No!’ He too had challenged that drider king. “Knihan was killed from behind by Vorgan’s favorite. I killed that favorite. I challenged King Vorgan, the Nanian King, to a duel of death. I was 15, Knihan was 20. Vorgan scoffed that such a ‘child’ could dare fight him.” Nahim remembered throwing down his helmet and staring into Vorgan’s six black eyes. He remembered casting away his own sword to pick up the blue-bladed crystal swords of his mother and father. He remembered how the molten crystal had flown out and hardened as one. He remembered fighting with energy and skill he never knew he possessed.
He remembered feeling like a Nayhelm.
“Near the end a deep chasm had opened in the courtyard due to a large earthquake. During that time we were both knocked off the ground, but I regained my feet sooner. That was when I brought my sword down on his arms.” –– Triumph rang slightly through the sound of his voice –– “And that is when he pierced my throat. I fell down the chasm. I still had no helmet and the fall would have broken my neck. I dropped the swords as I tried to grab onto something.” Nahim paused.
The next part was going to be hard to believe, He himself could hardly believe it. With a deep breath he continued, “I stopped falling suddenly. I was floating on air! Air that carried me away from the city to a hill in the sweet grasslands.
I’ve kept my eyes hidden behind the visor because Vorgan never forgot my eyes and to this day, hates me more than I believe he hated Lord Adorian, lord of the Nayhelm. When he heard news of a red-eyed armored Realn, he sent out a snip for any news of me. That is why I was at your father’s training academy on Banor, where no one saw my eyes. The rest of the story is for later.”
How could he be rid of those memories? Why couldn’t he go back to that innocent childhood where Knihan played his old practical jokes, and where Larin played Alley Dash, and even back to where Alin taught him every little bolt and rivet to a speeder and to a spaceship? Those days seemed like yesterday when no strip of laughter was withheld. Nahim let out a quiet sigh.
“But Nahim, what about your eyes?”
Mandin’s voice was a pure vein of curiosity. Nahim brought his head up again. “The mystery of why my sclerae are so is unsolved. I am full Wondian and I am full Realn. In my veins, there is no alien blood nor that of the Nameless Things. Red irises is a mutation that can occur once in a century, but I have never heard of another with eyes like my own.”
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)Honestly, the style seems like I didn’t even write it.
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)I’m not sure what you found wrong with this scene. I think it’s well written! It feels like I’m reading a published book!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333
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