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@freedomwriter76
Aww those were really good! Poor bois (Or per above conversation.. men?!) They need to get out of there!
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
@freedomwriter76
Oooh, thats a good chapter, sad, but good!
"Would you kindly...?"
- Rank: Chosen One
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@mineralizedwritings @acancello Thx, y’all!!! 💗💗✨✨
@keilah-h ikr? 😅@freedomwriter76 @lightoverdarkness6 @whalekeeper
I’m going to dump some stuff from my current draft (mind the spelling, it’s unedited)
“This doesn’t look like a great place for some secret meeting.”
“It’s ok, these people don’t care.”
“So Lesli, what you said to Jonathan worked! He took me all the way to the professions district!” Layson smiles wide to show his lack of braces.
“Ayy you have straight teeth now.”
Layson nods enthusiastically. “So, anyways, I got to meet Jonathan. He Ate! At! My house! And I asked him all kinds of things.”
Lesli leans forwards with anticipation. “Yes…”
“You see Jonathan Ledger is a very mysterious man of many secrets. And he didn’t tell me the half of it. But I still learned a lot!”
“Poor jonathan.” Tauren pipes up from his seat on the end of the table. He swirls his tea.
Lesli and Layson both look up, slight remorse quickly blown away by their interest in the strange situation.
“I mean he should have found a better secret keeper to tell.” Lesli says.
“Ok but then you guys wouldn’t get to be in on it,” Laayson shrugs.
“That’s the point.” Tauren adds.
A long pause follows.
“I apologize for the interruption. Do continue.” Tauren takes another sip of tea, which further fogs his glasses.
“Well let’s see… where do I start. We went out of the mines… and past the outer reaches; which was so cool! It just kept going on and on, we never actually reached the end! We just kept turning down different corridors. We past by some ominous looking strangers, which Jonathan told me were releasors.”
“What’s that?” Lesli interrupts, leaning forwards.
“Basically, there’s these bad guys called trappers who board up bunker entrances so they can’t get supplies, but the releasors come and help them! I mean they do get paid by the bunkers, but I still think it’s awesome.”
“Why wouldn’t the railworkers prevent them from getting trapped?”
“I dunno, he said that the trappers have some kind of power around here, so nobody dares mess with their stuff. The releasors are more of hero’s in the sense that they take the danger of it. It isn’t terribly hard to remove the barricade, but they are the ones thaat would face the trappers if it ever came to it.”
“What, like a trapper would come running after them? What kind of danger?” Tauren leans forwards slightly, taking another sip of tea.
“I dunno. They’re just really powerful people or something.”
“According to him, our bunker was trapped when I was just 2, and before that by about 20 years. He said it’s getting more common.”
Lesli furrows her eyebrows. “Well I’ll tell you what.” She swirls her coffee. “If we lived on the–”
“-Shh!!” Tauren cuts her off.
“What? You don’t even know what I was going to say!” Lesli exclaims, rolling her eyes.
“I do!” Tauren sighs. “You can’t say that here.”
“Why not?!” Lesli exclaims in a whisper, turning towards Tauren.
“It’s breaking the peace.”
“It’s not like any information is leaving us three here.” Layson chimes in, leaning back in his chair.
Tauren sighs, looking over at Layson.
“What? I can keep a secret.” Layson shrugs.
“But if one person leaves, what’s the big deal?” Lesli crumples a table napkin into her fist.
“Lesli, there’s no use in me repeating what we all know. Nobody talks about the outside here. It’s where the war happened, and it’s where all kinds of people live. You know what they’d say, ‘We couldn’t live together in peace, so we chose to live apart. It’s the decision that saved the human race.”
Layson glances nervously down at the table.
“It’s what every history textbook says.” Tauren adds.
“But what do you say?”
“What me?” Tauren raises an eyebrow. “Doesn’t matter.”
A small pause falls over the table.
“Excuse me.” Tauren sets his empty tea cup on the table and gets up, leaving Layson and Lesli sitting alone.
“What were you going to say that was so provacatory?” Layson laughs.
“Oh.” Lesli smiles. “I was going to mention the outside. I never wrote it on my bucket list but in reality… it’s kinda like a district… don’t you think? And If I want to see all of them, I’ve got a lot of work to do.”
Layson nods. “Hey you know I know how to get out of here.”
“No…” Lesli smirks, leaning forwards.
“Yes I do! We could go out beyond the outer reaches sometime. You never know what you’ll find.”
“You’d go with me!?” Lesli stands up in her chair, not noticing the raising of her voice.
“Sure! It sounds like fun, I’ve only been there with Jonathan, but to be honest he wasn’t going to let me explore.”
“Woah!” Lesli says, her voice excited.
“We might even find the way ou–”
“ORDER IN THE COURT!” Tauren retusn and smashes his paper cup onto the table with a thud. All eyes turn towards him.
“Sorry…” He sheepishly turns to see the multitude of eyes turned towards him, the entire tea shop glaring.
“I’m stopping yall right here.” Tauren sits down with a thud, looking down on the two teenagers with a stiff glare.
Lesli frowns. “You don’t have to come with us.”
Tauren sighs.
“Are we going somewhere?” Layson leans forwards excitedly towards Lesli.
“Sure. Outer reaches it is?” Lesli glances around at the tea shop, watching as the other patrons resume their conversations. “How about after work on monday?”
Tauren sighs, putting his face in his hands.
“Sounds good!” Layson looks over at Tauren. “Hey, you should come with us!”
“Yeah, we would love it if you’d come, Tauren!” Lesli looks expectantly at Tauren. “I just thought… you might not want to.”
“Yeah.” Tauren stands, taking his crumpled coffee cup with him. “You guys are going to get yourselves in trouble, and I’d rather not be there.”
“It might be really fun though! You never know the stuff we might see!”
“Come on Tauren!”
“Where are we going?”
“An adventure! I don’t know where!” Lesli grabs 9 year old Tauren’s hand.
“Isn’t this risky?”
Lesli turns back with a smile. “Isn’t that what makes life fun?”
Tauren nods, running off with her.
“I can’t.”
Lesli frowns. “Well it’s your choice, but I wish you would.”
“Sorry to let you down.” Tauren turns to leave. “Tell me all about it later though, ok?”
“Of course!” Lesli watches as Tauren leaves. “Well…”
Layson shrugs. “You still want to go?”
“Yeah.” Lesli stares blankly at the floor. “I’ll see you on Monday.”
“Seeya.” Layson starts off through the shopping district, back towards his home unit.
Here’s another scene from earlier, as you can see it’s a bit higher effort lol
Tauren walks down the mines hallway with a pep in his step. He smiles, glancing down at his watch.
12:45
I’ll be a little early. That’s ok.
He adjusts the top his turtleneck sweater, it’s warm but itchy fibers poking his neck. Tauren jogs through the residential mines halls, under dim yellow lighting. He passes a couple more doors, coming out into the main hallway.
Main street. The road that leads everywhere!
He smiles, waving to a small family struggling to keep their kids within arm’s reach.
“Hi!” A little boy rusn towards Tauren, reaching out his small hand.
“Honey no!” The mom quickly reels him back in, clearly embarrassed by the incident. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s ok.” Tauren smiles, then keeps on walking. The hallways grow slightly busier as he approaches the shopping district. Lights brighten towards the better maintained areas, leading the way to the shopping district. The voices of many people mesh into a relaxing background chatter, with the occasional loud laugh or scolding echoing above the rest. Small tables line one side of the crowded hallway, some empty and others seated with couples. Tauren edges towards the bakery, joining the long line of other patrons. Some wear overalls just like Tauren’s, but slightly less clean. Tauren’s head sticks above the crowd, giving him a clear view of the shopping district. Signs hanging from support poles, or simply the ceiling, give directions to the favorite businesses and their latest specials. Tauren shifts forwards with the line, coming up to the glass fronted cabinets of sweets.
“Hello there dear!”
Tauren looks up at the baker, an older woman with grey curled hair. Small glasses sit atop the bridge of her nose, connected to a string around her neck with a thin strand of beads.
“Hello!” Tauren smiles. “Could I get a blueberry muffin please?”
“Of course.” She reaches into the case with a piece of parchment. “Is that one big enough?”
“It’s fine!” Tauren smiles, fingering a couple coins in his pocket.
Maybe I won’t get away with it this time.
“You look so familiar, you do some by here frequently, right?”
“Oh yes, I do. My mom is one of your co-workers I think.”
“Your mom… oh that would be Aleshia!”
“Yeah!” Tauren smiles.
“My, you’ve grown so tall!” She gasps with a slight laughter.
Tauren laughs awkwardly.
“Here’s that for you.”
Tauren takes the small cardboard box from the worker. “Thank you!” He reaches into his pocket to produce some change.
“Oh no need, I’ll bet your mother is the one who made that.”
“Are you sure?” Tauren raises an eyebrow, as if it isn’t already the second time this last week.
“I’m sure! You enjoy that.” She smiles wide, her eyes creasing at the corners.
“Thank you! Have a lovely day!” Tauren walks off, waving behind him as he mingles with the large crowd.
“You too!”
Tauren peaks into the box, looking at the sugary glaze dripping from the sides of the muffin. He sits down at a side table, setting the box down on the table. Tauren hangs his satchel on the chair post, then leans back to enjoy the view.
This is so nice.
For me, life feels content. I don’t have much of a pass time, besides aimlessly wandering the shopping district. It’s fun, viewing from the sides. I don’t mean to come off as a creep, but I love to watch people. Life only lasts for so long, so it’s curious to me how each decides to spend theirs. Sitting in a corner smoking? Laughing with family? Yelling at your kids?
I guess we all do it a little differently.
Me? I’ll just sit here and observe. As long as I’ve got a stable bunker to live in, my family, and a decent enough job… I don’t think there’s any need to do things differently. Oh, and a best friend. I suppose for me that’s a necessity.
Tauren smiles to himself. He takes out a plastic knife, splitting the muffin down the center as close as possible.
“Hey there!” Lesli approaches from the side, setting her bag down on the floor. She sits in the seat opposite Tauren.
“Hi!” Tauren takes out a handkerchief to put his half of the muffin on, and slides the rest of the box over to Lesli. “That’s for you.”
“Thanks!”
“Did you have fun with your family?” Tauren asks, taking a bite of his muffin.
“It was pretty good, yeah. We ate together… they gave me a new pen and some money… that was about it. We didn’t have a whole lot to talk about.”
Tauren nods.
“These are always so good.” Lesli takes a bite of her half of the muffin.
“I know right? I think my mom uses a lot of sugar.”
“Yeah?” Lesli laughs.
Tauren takes a drink of tea from his canteen.
“Y’know I gotta stop working in the mines now.” Lesli says, leaning back in her chair with a sigh.
Tauren nods. “You just don’t think there’s any way it could work?”
“Well no. I mean at 18 I would join the adults, who work really long shifts, and there’s no way I could keep up with you boys. My mom said I should go work for your mom at the bakery.”
“Well… hate to see you go. We’ve had a lot of fun in the mines together.” Tauren sighs, stuffing his napkin back into the empty box. He brings it to the edge of the table, sweeping crumbs off of the edge of the table into it.
“Yeah.” Lesli smiles, but it quickly fades to a frown.
“Don’t worry we’ll still see each other a lot, I’m sure.” Tauren smiles, pushing his glasses up on the bridge of his nose.
“Yeah.” Lesli shakes her head. “I’m not too worried about that. It was just fun… y’know? The mines feel endless sometimes…” She looks up with a faint smile.
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
Aaaaaaa I LOVE it girl!!! Those scenes are soooo good!!! Tauren and Lesli are just so adorable and sweettt 💗💗 And your writing style is so awesome ✨✨
“ORDER IN THE COURT!”
Lol oh my gosh THERE IT IS!!! 😍🤣 Love it <3
Keep up the good work!! You’re doing great ❤
#HugRikerSquad
Thanks girl! That means a lot to me that you like my style! <3
Thank you!
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
- Rank: Chosen One
- Total Posts: 8156
@godlyfantasy12 @euodia-vision @smiley @mineralizedwritings @keilah-h @lydia-s @starshiness @acancello @lightoverdarkness6 @anyone-else-idk-lol-XP
Sooo, I’ve been editing my novel, and y’all know what…I’m gonna share the original/edited first chapter…lemme know if y’all see improvement…bc I feel like it’s better, but maybe that’s just me 😂
anywhooo, here they are!!!
ORIGINAL
Boots thudded against cobblestone.
A fist reconnected with his head.
Leon hit the brick wall of the flower shop. Hard. He groaned.
The blonde-haired man smirked. “Is that all you can take, Jew?” he sneered, rolling up his brown sleeves.
Leon leaned against the wall.
He wouldn’t give up so easily.
Leon pushed to his feet. “I’m never done.”
The brownshirt’s fist knocked Leon’s head again. Aching pain travelled from his skull. His head throbbed.
Sticky crimson blood trailed down the side of his face.
Leon leaned against the wall, his scrapped palms aching. But he wasn’t a quitter.
“Give up already, Jew.”
Leon’s fists clenched.
No.
He couldn’t fight back. Nor would he.
Leon released his fists.
“Silence, huh? What? Do you need me to dumb it down for you, pig?” he taunted.
Leon stepped away from the wall.
He set his jaw. Squared his shoulders. “I’m not going to fight you.”
The man took a step towards him.
Leon didn’t budge.
“Why not?”
“I’m not going to fight you because-“
The fist connected with Leon’s face. He collapsed.
And the world faded into darkness.
~*~
The pen tip scrapped against the paper. A scream sounded.
The pen went still as a chill spread up Riker’s spine. Maybe he should have been used to it by now. Everyone else seemed to be.
Jackboots clicked against the floor. “Kurt does an excellent job, doesn’t he?”
“Yessir.” Riker replied. Looked up.
Hans raised an eyebrow. “Are you almost done with that paperwork?”
“Yessir.” He began writing again.
Hans bent over to look over the papers. “Wonderful to know we have gathered useful information from our prisoners, Riker, isn’t it?”
Riker slowly nodded.
At least he hadn’t been asked to aid in the torture in months.
“Now if only we can get actual, useful information out of that blasted American pilot.”
Another scream.
Riker flinched. Kurt was working on that now.
Hans smirked. “We’ll have information out of him soon enough.”
Another pair of boots sounded.
A blonde-haired officer saluted Hans.
Hans returned the salute, then smiled. “Erich…how are you?”
“Very well, sir.”
“And your wife?”
“Well. Very tired, but healthy.” Erich replied with a smile. He turned to face Riker. “Will you be finished with those papers by tonight?”
“I’m not sure. Why, Erich?”
Erich laughed. “You already forgot? Hilda is right…you are scatterbrained. We are going out for food and drinks tonight.”
“To celebrate the Führer’s birthday, as you well know is today.” Hans added.
Riker nodded. How could anyone forget when they were reminded every day of their life of the importance of their Führer?
“I’ll try to get it done by tonight.”
“No, Riker,” Hans set his palms on the desk. “You will get those papers done by tonight.”
Riker looked up.
Hans’ hard coal-colored eyes made Riker’s heart skip a beat. “Yessir.”
EDITED
Boots echoed against cobblestone. A hard fist met his face.
Leon hit the brick wall of the flower shop, hard. He groaned.
The blonde-haired man looming over him smirked and rolled up his brown sleeves, sneering. “Is that all you can take, Jew?”
Leon leaned against the wall. He wouldn’t give up so easily.
Leon leapt to his feet. “I’m never done.”
The brownshirt’s fist knocked Leon’s head back again, Leon’s head hitting the brick wall again. Aching pain travelled from Leon’s skull.
Sticky, crimson blood trailed from his nose.
Leon leaned against the wall, breath heavy, his scrapped palms stinging. He wasn’t a quitter.
“Give up already, Jew, you don’t belong here.”
Leon’s fists clenched.
“Silence, huh? What? Do you need me to dumb it down for you, pig?” The blonde taunted.
He was disgusted, all because Leon was a Jew.
“I don’t need it dumbed down…I’m not an idiot, unlike you.” Leon snarled.
The man’s upper lip curled, and a vein pulsed in his neck. His fist came and connected with Leon’s face. Leon collapsed to the hard ground.
The world faded into darkness.
~*~
The pen tip scraped against the paper. A scream sounded.
The pen went completely still. A chill spread up Riker’s spine. Maybe he should have been used to screams by now; everyone else seemed to be.
Jackboots clicked against the shined floor. “Kurt does an excellent job with interrogations, doesn’t he, Schind?”
“Yessir.” Riker replied, looking up at his commanding officer.
Donned in the black and silver uniform of the Schutzstaffel, Hans Baumann carried himself with an air of superiority. A smile was rare to occur on his bony face.
Hans raised an eyebrow. “Are you almost done with that paperwork?”
“Yessir.” He began writing again.
Hans bent over to look over the papers, the skull and crossbones on his uniform cap glistening in the sun that came through a window. “Wonderful to know we have gathered useful information from our prisoners, Riker, isn’t it?”
Riker slowly nodded, thankful he hadn’t been asked to aid in the torture in months.
“Now if only we can get actual, useful information out of that blasted American pilot.”
Another scream. Another chill.
Kurt was working on that.
“We’ll have information out of him soon enough.” Hans mused, pulling a cigarette from his pocket.
Another pair of boots sounded, and a blonde-haired officer stopped and saluted Hans with a ‘Heil Hitler!’.
Hans returned the salute and lit his cigarette. “Erich, how are you?”
“Very well, sir.”
“And your wife?”
“Well. Very tired, but healthy.” Erich replied with a smile, and he turned to face Riker. “Will you be finished with those papers by tonight?”
“I’m not sure. Why, Erich?”
Erich laughed. “You already forgot? Hilda is right…you are scatterbrained. We are going out for food and drinks tonight.”
“To celebrate the Führer’s birthday, as you well know is today.” Hans added.
Riker merely nodded. How could anyone forget when they were reminded every day of their life of the importance of their Führer?
“I’ll try to get it done by tonight.”
“No, Riker,” Hans set his palms on the desk, “you will get those papers done by tonight.”
Riker looked up.
Hans’ hard coal-colored eyes made Riker’s heart skip a beat.
Riker slowly nodded, his heart beating so hard he felt it in his head. “Yessir.”
- Rank: Chosen One
- Total Posts: 8156
wow…didn’t realize how short the chapter is until now 😅XD
- Rank: Chosen One
- Total Posts: 8156
i gotta make Leon’s half a bit longer or something, lol! XD
- Rank: Chosen One
- Total Posts: 8156
Ok…I edited Leon’s half again, lol! XD
honestly, what I love most about the edited version is that it shows more of who Leon really is…a stubborn fighter that won’t let anyone take him down unless he chooses to stay down himself, which is rare…ahh, he’s such a stubborn boi 😅😂
@freedomwriter76
The blonde-haired man smirked. “Is that all you can take, Jew?” he sneered, rolling up his brown sleeves.
Leon leaned against the wall.
He wouldn’t give up so easily.
Leon pushed to his feet. “I’m never done.”
“I can do this all day” 😉
perhaps some resemblance?
I liked Leon’s section better in the first draft (the word ‘reconnected’ does throw me off a little, but the rest of it is really good) but Riker’s section is such an improvement! The body language and descriptions are so vivid! It’s some of your best 😉 way to knock it out of the park in your first chapter!
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
Aww, those scenes were so sweet XDXD I love it, girl. Honestly if you decide Tauren actually wants to explore – but is hiding it behind his quiet observer self – and if you made some scenes where it’s clear he’s beginning to make those decisions, I would believe it 😉
@freedomwriter76
It does look better!!
“Everything is a mountain”
Thank you! I’m so glad you liked them!
You’re spot on! He’s to scared to join them, so he convinces himself it just isn’t him. 😉 but yeah he really knows what he wants and is trying to avoid it.
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
- Rank: Chosen One
- Total Posts: 8156
“I can do this all day” 😉
perhaps some resemblance?
Oh my word, my Dad said the same thing 😂😂
Yes, I must admit he’s acting like Steve…but it’s very much in his personality to do so XD
I liked Leon’s section better in the first draft (the word ‘reconnected’ does throw me off a little, but the rest of it is really good) but Riker’s section is such an improvement! The body language and descriptions are so vivid! It’s some of your best 😉 way to knock it out of the park in your first chapter!
Ok, thanks for the input! 💗 Awww, I’m so happy you think it’s been improved so much, that’s really an encouragement! <3 Aww, tysm!!!
Well good. I want someone to be hooked from Chapter 1! 🤣
@whalekeeper Thx for the input!! 💗💗
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