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@acancello you’re very welcome!!
Thanks for tagging me! It seems better than the last writing you posted!
The sun moved higher and higher up in the sky, while the scenery stayed the same.
Hugo was in the lead, I was in the middle and Sam held up the back.
“I wish we had a machete.” Hugo sighed, brushing aside a bush of thorns.
“Me too,” Sam agreed. “Then we could fight off all the monkeys that live in the jungle.”
“Monkeys?” I asked, curiously. It was funny to hear the strange stories the boys came up with.
“Sure!” He said eagerly. “You know the ones that swing through the trees with their tails? They are said to live in swamps by big cities. And they love to scare children,”
I smiled but let him continue.
“They are very loud and their screams…” Sam shuddered. “Can frighten the bravest people.”
“Sounds scary.” I commented, gently brushing aside rotten leaves that were floating on the surface. The last thing I wanted was to run into an alligator.Hugo muffled a laugh in his arm and Sam began to continue. But something out of the ordinary caught my eye.
Try not to start sentences with ‘but’. You can make the two sentences one, or just have her statement on it’s own without the but.
‘Hold on,” I hissed, stopping in my tracks. Both boys also stopped and turned towards me. “Look.” I pointed to the trees above.
“Monkeys?” Sam asked.
The trees were all broken, knocked over and bent, as if a construction project was left unfinished.
Great imagery!!
“What did this?” Hugo asked, walking toward the trees to feel the splintered wood. “Red paint?”
“On the tree?” I asked, stepping forward. He was correct. Red paint was covering the splintered parts of the tree. I picked at a piece with my fingernail. It wasn’t just paint. It was painted metal.
Those last three sentences feel a little choppy to me, maybe combine some of them?
Idk maybe…
Picking at a piece with my fingernail, I realized it wasn’t just paint; but painted metal.
Sam came over and examined the trail there was. “Look there’s something big over there!” He exclaimed, running as fast as he could in the muddy water. Hugo and I ran after him, being careful not to slip on the rotten leaves that lined the bottom.
I would have a exclamation point after Sam’s ‘look’, because irl that’s probably how he would say it, instead of it just being a part of the sentence.
“Woah!” Sam yelled. “A downed plane!” But Sam’s voice wasn’t the only voice that rang out in the silence.
“Hello? Don’t leave me! I’m up here!” A girl was standing on top of the plane, waving her arms wildly.
Sam just stared at her, mouth agape. She looked down at me and waved. “Hi! I’m Vikii! What are you guys doing here?”
She skillfully slid down the side of the plane, as if she had been practicing for a long time.
As she came closer I could see bloodstains covering her yellow shirt, arms and face. Her long black hair was tangled and knotted. She had painted butterflies all over her black jeans which gave her a more happy appearance, as her face had the permanent scar of anger and sadness. Her bronze skin was scratched and bleeding but she looked happy. Very happy for a person stuck in a swamp.
It’s a little hard for me to imagine a happy person with a scar of anger and sadness in her face. I think I get what you are trying to describe though. Idk if this would work at all, but maybe try something like this?
She had a happy appearance, with painted flowers covering her black jeans. I saw a flash of something deeper as she turned to face me. I couldn’t quite place it… it felt like a glimpse of sadness… and anger. A wide smile quickly covered whatever piece of her I was seeing, and I smiled back.
(Ok Ik I changed a lot there, but I think it’s hard for somebody to look happy angry and sad at the same time, so showing them as alternating emotions might make it more clear. Again idk what exactly you’re going for so that might not work 😉
“What happened to you?” Sam asked in an awed tone. Not realizing how rude the question sounded.
Instead of being angry, the girl, Vikii smiled. “A lot. So much that you might not believe me.”
“Don’t worry, we will believe you.” Hugo said, staring wide-eyed at the plane.
“Great!” She took a few more steps towards us. “Before I explain, what are you guys doing here? City kids in the middle of a swamp?”
Sam looked miffed “We are searching for our parents and friends who were kidnapped by C.H.I.M.E and taken to Bermill.”
“Really? We- me and my uncle were on our way to Bermill also. The survivors continued there, but I stayed put. No idea what happened or where I am. They didn’t know either. I tried to make them stay here at the wreck. There was food and water and protection, but nooo,
Lol she’s so funny, I would add some body language in here to add to her sass personally.
Maybe she waves her hand dramatically? or rolls her eyes?
they wanted to go to Bermill. I did too, since my aunt lives there but the safest place is definitely here. Are you guys lost? Do you have a phone? I would love to call my aunt, but nothing works.”
“Umm, Vikii?” I said carefully. “An EMP happened. The power is out… well… forever.”
Vikii reeled back in shock. “Forever? The power?”
We all nodded.
She sat down smack in the filthy water. Not even seeming to care about her clothes.
“When did it go out?”
I scrunched my eyes. How long had it been? “Three days ago.” I said firmly.
“That’s when we crashed.” She whispered. “Stupid power. Stupid plane.” Without another word, she jumped up as quickly as she sat down and ran over to the plane. She shimmied through a big split on the side and we could hear her moving heavy things, but stood outside unsure what to do.
In a few minutes she emerged, backpack on back and hair tied up in a ponytail.
“I’m coming too.”
Hugo and Sam exchanged looks of confusion. I however was on board with having another girl come along.
Vikii saw Hugo and Sams faces and turned to face me.
“That is of course, if you don’t mind,” She said softly, “I can stay here.”
“No no, of course you’re welcome!” I said, ignoring the boys. “It will be nice to have you help us.”
She grinned. “I guess we better get going then right? We have a long way to go,” she turned to face the boys, “and don’t you let me mess up your stupid time scampering around the woods.” She changed her tone when she spoke to me. “I’m sorry, but there is hardly any supplies left. The people took most of it when they left, I used a ton and packed the remaining stuff.”
“Don’t worry.” I said, trying to sound comforting although the thought of running out of supplies was already in my mind. “We will have enough.”
I liked it! You’re making great progress!
At first I was unsure of what they were walking on or through, but It seems like that might have been explained in a eariler part.
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
Thank you! Your right about some of those errors, I’ll fix that. 🙂
"Would you kindly...?"
Well.. C.H.I.M.E is a little bit disturbing to some people, it is a horrible, evil and nasty government facility that… (here comes the scary part!) Changes humans into machines expertly. Yep. The kids have to walk all 406 miles they would have drove to C.H.I.M.E to save their parents and top the facility if they can.
"Would you kindly...?"
Love it!! Are you looking for feedback prose-wise or story-wise?
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
- Rank: Chosen One
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@elishavet-pidyon aww, tysm 💕💕 it will actually probably be a longer process in the books, heh…I just got excited 😆😂😅
- Rank: Chosen One
- Total Posts: 8156
Well.. C.H.I.M.E is a little bit disturbing to some people, it is a horrible, evil and nasty government facility that… (here comes the scary part!) Changes humans into machines expertly. Yep. The kids have to walk all 406 miles they would have drove to C.H.I.M.E to save their parents and top the facility if they can.
😬😬😬😬
YIKES!!!
yeahhhhhhhhh….C.H.I.M.E needs to be stopped…😅
@highscribeofaetherium @freedomwriter76
Yes its pretty disturbing😬 But don’t worry, in the end it all gets stopped and everyone is safe! 😃
"Would you kindly...?"
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@acancello That’s good 😉😄
Hey would anyone want to do some sprinting later? I REALLY need to do some writing….
I’ve been focusing on other stuff instead and really need to do some actual drafting
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSeb- Rank: Chosen One
- Total Posts: 8156
@godlyfantasy12 If I’m on, I’ll be up for it! 😀
@whalekeeper @freedomwriter76 sprinting now at :25!
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSeb
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