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So what are your thoughts on this magic system? Since I want to write a story with a way that deals with intrusive thoughts that more people can be comfortable with reading, I want to know how I can make more of you comfortable with it. (I do recognize that there will always be someone out there who will be disturbed by it, but I don’t want to go any further with it than necessary).
Hmmm.
Initially, I was thinking that the spells didn’t bother me. But then I took the time to read some of Ellette’s replies, and now I’m not so sure. It’s really up to you–since it’s an allegory for sin, it could be that describing them is kind of like if you wrote a murder mystery and described the murder. I mean, I don’t like reading gory fiction, but there’s nothing bad about describing the crime. Or suppose you were writing from the perspective of a villain, like I’m doing in one of my WIP. Of course you’d need to tell the reader exactly how the villain finds it in them to be so cruel. And you’d have to describe their evil acts just like you’d describe the main character’s good ones.
BUT.
On the other hand, it’s magic. It’s directly contradictory to everything Christians stand for. The Fall of man happened because humans didn’t want to be satisfied with God’s definition of goodness–we wanted to have power and knowledge for ourselves. We wanted to be like God. Magic is an attempt at this. It’s taking matters into one’s own hands and one’s own power.
To write something that would be a stumbling block for the weak–those who might fall into real-life magic–would be horrible.
So I get both sides. And because I get both sides, I’d say that it’s wise to stay on the side of caution.
Also, I somehow completely forgot to add Stripe to my list of characters I’m most eager for feedback on.
All he needed was a hug, and now he’s great!
"Io non ho bisogno di denaro.
Ho bisogno di sentimenti."You know you’re a writer when you see the google search “synonyms of the word ‘undisturbed'” and a list of synonyms appear unbidden in your mind.
….unperturbed, anyone? Unruffled?
"Io non ho bisogno di denaro.
Ho bisogno di sentimenti."Hi! I’m Stephie. *shakes your hand vigorously* Nice to meet you!
I like writing poetry, short stories, novels, essays about topics like how spiders are beneficial (I did that once in English and that weekend my sisters and I spent ten minutes screaming about a spider in our bedroom) etc, etc, you know the drill.
It’s great to see some older Kpers coming back. See you around!
"Io non ho bisogno di denaro.
Ho bisogno di sentimenti."“Io non ho bisogno di denaro.
Ho bisogno di sentimenti.”It’s a verse from an Italian poem I’ve forgotten the name of. It translates pretty much to “I don’t need money. I need feelings.”
"Io non ho bisogno di denaro.
Ho bisogno di sentimenti."(also, how come humans aren’t a little more upset that lyens seem to think they’re the dominant species? Is there a human-centric country or are they just all over without a specific homeland?)
Hmmm that’s interesting, @linus-smallprint . You’d think they’d be at least a little bit upset, if they’re at all like humans in our world. We really like being in control; that’s been demonstrated since the fall.
"Io non ho bisogno di denaro.
Ho bisogno di sentimenti."*Takes in a deep breath to explain the game if needed*
*Takes an even deeper breath*Â I explain Quidditch.
XD
"Io non ho bisogno di denaro.
Ho bisogno di sentimenti."Looks interesting! I’ll have to see where I can watch it.
I am a LOTR nerd and have all the back stories and sketchbooks and Tolkien notes, etc. So seeing this story done in film and having it true to the book was amazing!!! Peter Jackson just redeemed himself after what he did with LOTR itself in leaving out so many things and changing some of the best characters.
I saw the three Hobbit movies, but apart from that I haven’t seen any LOTR movies, because I’ve heard about the plot points and the characters they changed. I’ll have to look into this; if it’s true to the book, I’ll probably watch it! Finally!
The reason I read a lot of Tolkien was because there was someone in my 8th grade class who’d read them when he was in 5th grade, and I would NOT be outdone further XD.
"Io non ho bisogno di denaro.
Ho bisogno di sentimenti."I didn’t realize that Alan being forced to use magic was similar to the gorbs forcing Aaron and Oliver Wilson to become wizards until I was writing on this chapter. So I had to come up with a reason on the spot to explain why Oliver was helping Cyrus. Did his reasons for walking away from Alan make sense?
The way I looked at it was Oliver was trying to justify himself and was kind of in denial over being wrong. I think you pulled it off pretty well; it didn’t seem unnatural to me.
"Io non ho bisogno di denaro.
Ho bisogno di sentimenti."“Do you want some lip gloss, buddy?”
-My sister, again
"Io non ho bisogno di denaro.
Ho bisogno di sentimenti."“IT LOOKS JUST LIKE A REAL PIG!”
-My sister
No context *laughs*
"Io non ho bisogno di denaro.
Ho bisogno di sentimenti."I won’t tell y’all exactly who said this, but Xmas day:
“My burps smell like cookies and I need something healthy”
"Io non ho bisogno di denaro.
Ho bisogno di sentimenti."
"Io non ho bisogno di denaro.
Ho bisogno di sentimenti."Hmmmm the challenge which all of us Christian writers face…writing good scenes where the characters pray.
I’m not going to pretend to be good at this.
However, I do have a couple things to point out. Firstly, I noticed that you like to write down the entire prayer in italics like the character’s thoughts. Now, this works sometimes, especially with shorter prayers. But you’ve got whole paragraphs of just that. This is from towards the end of Chapter the 33rd:
Great King, I thank you that you have adopted me as your child. I could never deserve this. I’ve used magic to destroy what you have given me, even returning to it after I knew it was wrong and against you. I’ve been selfish for my own heroism. Let my anger control me and tried to kill someone for doing the same things as I did. And yet, because The Saviour died for me and I trust in him, you have forgiven me and are now my Father.
I thank you that you will never leave me. You’re always there for me. I am never alone. I thank you that nothing will ever separate me from you and your love that I could never deserve. And you are a Father to my dad as well! You have a home for both of us. He may die, but he will be reunited with you in your kingdom. Use this moment to your glory. Show Klaw, and even all of Ehverwyld your goodness. Help them not to see an uncaring creator, who has forsaken us into the hand of Iskyagus, but one who saves all who come to you through your Son, The Saviour. Help Ehverwyld to trust in him, and Help my trust to grow as well.
Right now, Alan is accepting that his father is going to die as a result of him making the right choice. He’s remembering all of the things his father has told him about the Saviour, and thanking the Great King for being a Father to him even if Charles dies.
This is an emotional moment, but I don’t see much emotion in Alan’s prayer.
I would suggest pausing in between fragments of prayer and describing what Alan is doing and feeling in that moment. Kind of like what you did here:
Let us praise The Great King! He is a Father to both of us now.
That was what Charles had said after Alan had turned to The Saviour. Alan raised his head again. He hadn’t thought much about it then. The Great King was his Father? The creator had adopted him as his child?
We see Alan distraught, his head dropped, remembering, and we see a little light bulb go off and lift his head like a hot air balloon. He’s remembered something good. Something hopeful. Knowing what Alan’s doing here adds so much more meaning.
Eek I ranted sorry"Io non ho bisogno di denaro.
Ho bisogno di sentimenti."
