Mark Kamibaya

@Daeus whoops, guess I took way too long writing out my post. I wrote that for the third one you posted, not this latest one.
I liked the third one’s last sentence better, with ‘confront’, not ‘endure’.

‘No time to say hello, goodbye! I’m late I’m late I’m late!’

I like this one best, especially the last sentence. Not that I don’t like The Count of Monte Cristo (I do 😉 ), but that last sentence makes it sound it’ll be a little less like the said classic. Yours has the same concept, but it makes it sound like it’ll end a bit differently.(As I…[Read more]

@howlingwolf Hello, I don’t believe we have met before, I’m Christine, but you can call me Christi. I am one of the writing team interns here at KP. 🙂

Now, this is an interesting idea you have here, and it could be a cool premise, but it would need a lot of work as far as fleshing out the plot, characters, etc. It really depends on what your…[Read more]

Ok, let’s try this again.

“Matthew is sworn to avenge a murder. His dedication to his wronged family could bring him through any trial, but his youth and inexperience hold him back. Setting out to find new strength, he plummets into a tangled mess of desperate plots, tragedies, and the vague shrouds surrounding his destiny from a dying mentor’s v…[Read more]

@Christi-Eaton Kewel. 😀

@emma-flournoy, Yeah, it’s pretty strange, I’m definitely not ISTJ. But aside from my introvertedness, I am pretty much fully ESTJ 🙂 (especially when I am doing something I really enjoy.)

@i-j-anderson, you probably would enjoy this conversation. 😉

@Christi-Eaton ESTJs are amazing. 😀 Talk about getting things done! So the description of the ESTJ sounds more like you than the ISTJ, even though you’re introverted? Neato.

@Leumeister I thought it was cool. XD Any two types that have exactly opposite letters are polar opposites, at least in theory. So ENFP, ISTJ—both of those have…[Read more]

@daeus I really like this third version, but I still have a few battle-moves I like to use. 😛

First off, you say ‘vague shadows surrounding’. Well, my mind inserts the word ‘shrouds’ instead. I don’t know. I just think that word works better there.

Secondly, you say ‘wreak his vengeance’, it just doesn’t seem to fit. I start thinking ‘wreak…[Read more]

In a twist of fate, he is forced to confront everything he fights for shattered, everything he cherishes put to the test, and a long-concealed truth that will threaten his life.”

There is something not quite right with this. I like the last line about the long-concealed truth, but something doesn’t quite flow right with the sentence as a w…[Read more]

@Daeus yes, I love it. I obviously know the story, which may or may not mess up my perspective, but it’s strong to me and makes me want to pick it up and read it… lots of questions.

Alright. Hopefully we’re good now. Can you find any way to improve it? Does it attract you? (why or why not?)

@leumeister @emma-flournoy @hope @kate-flournoy @perfectfifths @faithdk @jess @his-instrument @writefury @gretald @ingridrd @sarah-h @the-bean @mark-kamibaya @warrioroftherealm @hannah-c @ivy-rose @ethryndal @dragon-snapper @anne-swiftbla…[Read more]

@Daeus yes! Much better. The only thing that’s a little off is this sentence:

Setting out to find new strength, he plummets into struggles for survival, desperate plots, uncertainties, and the vague shadow surrounding his destiny from a dying mentor’s vision.

I think it’s just the ‘into struggles for survival’ part— maybe I’m being picky, b…[Read more]

@Daues yes! Much better. The only thing that’s a little off is this sentence:

Setting out to find new strength, he plummets into struggles for survival, desperate plots, uncertainties, and the vague shadow surrounding his destiny from a dying mentor’s vision.

I think it’s just the ‘into struggles for survival’ part— maybe I’m being picky, b…[Read more]

@ingridrd Matthew is Edwin Brook. Is it clearer in the second version, or is it still unclear?

@ingrid Matthew is Edwin Brook. Is it clearer in the second version, or is it still unclear?

@perfectfifths Tags. Yes, so they’re best for getting somebody’s attention who isn’t on here very often, getting someone’s attention if a question is time sensitive, or making sure a list of people see your post.

Okey dokey. So whatcha think of this?

“Matthew is sworn to avenge a murder. His dedication to his wronged family could bring him through any trial, but his youth and inexperience hold him back. Setting out to find new strength, he plummets into struggles for survival, desperate plots, uncertainties, and the vague shadow surrounding his destiny…[Read more]

@dragon-snapper

I also quite liked (and still do, somewhat) the battle droids, they’re so strange looking. 😀 I think I appreciate little-boy Anakin, because he was a child in a movie full of grown-ups, and I always appreciated and liked the child characters as a child myself (but what child doesn’t? Especially if said child character is a Chosen…[Read more]

I’d rate it at a 7 or 8. A few corrections:

but strange events keep thwarting his every move

The ‘keep thwarting’ is passive. It would be stronger if you change it to thwarts.

And, as some of the others mentioned, I’d switch out one of the ‘events’ for a diffrent word.

and even his own life is put at stake.

There’s nothing wrong with…[Read more]

@dragon-snapper @daeus

One last thing, you say he ‘takes on’ the character. Well, at a glance, I might thing that he’s trying to fight this character.

Yeah, this confused me, too. Is he fighting this guy, or is he becoming this guy? (that was my first thought) And also, saying what “he fights for is shattered” can’t really give us any meani…[Read more]