katie

@daeus One quick note, where you say’ discovering a historic treasure, Matthew returns…”
You spelled Matthew with one ‘t’.

@HowlingWolf Actually, we just had a thread about that recently. Hopefully you’ll find it helpful. https://kingdompen.org/forums/topic/little-peoples/

Hi Kenya! Yep. What the others said. The story concept is great, it’s just a question of how you’ll handle it.

@emma-flournoy Ok, how about this?

Matthew is sworn to avenge a murder. His dedication to his wronged family could bring him through any trial, but his youth and inexperience hold him back. Setting out to find new strength, he plummets into a tangled mess of desperate plots, tragedies, and the vague shrouds surrounding his destiny from a dying…[Read more]

Yep, concurrence here too. 😀 It would need some really good characterization work for the kids to keep me reading though—not just a bunch of toddlers who’re one dimensional…toddlers. 😛
Nice ta meet ya, btw! I know you from stalking but I don’t think you were present when I actually came on. *shakes your hand heartily*
@HowlingWolf

Yep, concurrence here too. 😀 It would need some really good characterization work for the kids to keep me reading though—not just a bunch of toddlers who’re one dimensional…toddlers. 😛
Nice ta meet ya, btw! I know you from stalking but I don’t think you were present when I actually came on. *shakes your hand heartily*

Heyyyy! Kenya! Nice to see you again! 😀
I think the story could have a lot of potential, but you’d need to think up a plot that would actually keep the story moving and make so many different children and families necessary. It doesn’t have to be complicated— it could be as simple as some bad-guy scientist trying to get them back, and their…[Read more]

@Daeus whoops, guess I took way too long writing out my post. I wrote that for the third one you posted, not this latest one.
I liked the third one’s last sentence better, with ‘confront’, not ‘endure’. It sounds better, cuz we don’t know he endures it—we just know he’s confronted with it.

@Daeus whoops, guess I took way too long writing out my post. I wrote that for the third one you posted, not this latest one.
I liked the third one’s last sentence better, with ‘confront’, not ‘endure’.

‘No time to say hello, goodbye! I’m late I’m late I’m late!’

I like this one best, especially the last sentence. Not that I don’t like The Count of Monte Cristo (I do 😉 ), but that last sentence makes it sound it’ll be a little less like the said classic. Yours has the same concept, but it makes it sound like it’ll end a bit differently.(As I…[Read more]

Ok, let’s try this again.

“Matthew is sworn to avenge a murder. His dedication to his wronged family could bring him through any trial, but his youth and inexperience hold him back. Setting out to find new strength, he plummets into a tangled mess of desperate plots, tragedies, and the vague shrouds surrounding his destiny from a dying mentor’s v…[Read more]

@Christi-Eaton Kewel. 😀

@Christi-Eaton ESTJs are amazing. 😀 Talk about getting things done! So the description of the ESTJ sounds more like you than the ISTJ, even though you’re introverted? Neato.

@Leumeister I thought it was cool. XD Any two types that have exactly opposite letters are polar opposites, at least in theory. So ENFP, ISTJ—both of those have…[Read more]

@daeus I really like this third version, but I still have a few battle-moves I like to use. 😛

First off, you say ‘vague shadows surrounding’. Well, my mind inserts the word ‘shrouds’ instead. I don’t know. I just think that word works better there.

Secondly, you say ‘wreak his vengeance’, it just doesn’t seem to fit. I start thinking ‘wreak…[Read more]

@Daeus yes, I love it. I obviously know the story, which may or may not mess up my perspective, but it’s strong to me and makes me want to pick it up and read it… lots of questions.

Alright. Hopefully we’re good now. Can you find any way to improve it? Does it attract you? (why or why not?)

@leumeister @emma-flournoy @hope @kate-flournoy @perfectfifths @faithdk @jess @his-instrument @writefury @gretald @ingridrd @sarah-h @the-bean @mark-kamibaya @warrioroftherealm @hannah-c @ivy-rose @ethryndal @dragon-snapper @anne-swiftbla…[Read more]

@Daeus yes! Much better. The only thing that’s a little off is this sentence:

Setting out to find new strength, he plummets into struggles for survival, desperate plots, uncertainties, and the vague shadow surrounding his destiny from a dying mentor’s vision.

I think it’s just the ‘into struggles for survival’ part— maybe I’m being picky, b…[Read more]

@Daues yes! Much better. The only thing that’s a little off is this sentence:

Setting out to find new strength, he plummets into struggles for survival, desperate plots, uncertainties, and the vague shadow surrounding his destiny from a dying mentor’s vision.

I think it’s just the ‘into struggles for survival’ part— maybe I’m being picky, b…[Read more]

@ingridrd Matthew is Edwin Brook. Is it clearer in the second version, or is it still unclear?

@ingrid Matthew is Edwin Brook. Is it clearer in the second version, or is it still unclear?