Cloaked Mystery

@theducktator @highscribeofaetherium

Yeah, I saw it a few days ago. Looks pretty cool! Can’t wait to see the back.

Did you know they’re also releasing preview chapters on this site?

h ttps://reactormag.com/columns/wind-and-truth (remove the space after the ‘h’)

They come out every Monday at noon (I think), and I think they’re planning on…[Read more]

@savannah_grace2009

Huh? I’m confused. They’re moving a second time. They never moved the first time, because they already lived in Wrallethom Heights before the Pythonos made everyone else move there too. So this is the first time Sef has ever moved.

Oh, they didn’t?

They don’t want to take Hanna specifically. Sef knows that if the greedy neighb…

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@savannah_grace2009

Okay, critique time! Starting in chapter 14.

I take it this chapter is before some of the ones you already wrote, since it shows them preparing to leave the house? Or are they moving a second time?

Sef knew she was only moving a few blocks to the east, away from the border where crime was high and the Pythonos frequented…

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@ellette-giselle

Yeah, I think we just hit the major plot-hole. I think you need something between Pythonos and people. You see, even the most depraved of people do not become demons.

To be fair, it is an allegory, and not everything needs to be a one-to-one correlation. I personally don’t have a problem with Pythonos representing both demons a…[Read more]

I also do like @elette-giselle ‘s idea with Eloy.

@savannah_grace2009

Lilitu was kind of my “you’re never too far gone” person, because his parents are Jraldath and Selena! There’s going to be this epic confrontation scene where he wrestles with the knowledge that he was meant to be evil from the moment he was born. Does that work? Or do I still need Cassian?

My problem with that is that evil is…[Read more]

@savannah_grace2009

It’s been a bit since I gave you any feedback, so sorry about that. (It was partially KP’s fault—everything was super messed up and I couldn’t post.) I am going to try to do a feedback session tomorrow morning. I have been reading everyone’s comments though, and I wanted to jump in here.

In regards to the Cassian discussio…[Read more]

@savannah_grace2009

Okay, here we go for chapter 7.

too unfortunate to get out of their path.

This phrasing sounds a bit awkward. I had to parse through it in my head for a second to get it. Something like “unfortunate enough to be in their path” might work a bit better.

that that cart that was now a pile of ashes, could have been him.

That’s a…[Read more]

@savannah_grace2009

Critique for chapter 7:

Really strong chapter! It really shows Lilitu’s struggles, which is something I don’t really remember from previous drafts. Like everyone else is saying, I like how you’re making Cassian a bigger character this time.

My only question would be, how did Lilitu survive? It seems like the Aquinos were…[Read more]

@theducktator

I don’t look at them often. I usually look a couple times in the process of reading to get an idea of where everything is, but I don’t look at them frequently, so a lot if the tine, I don’t know where things are happening.

@savannah_grace2009

Lir stretched out as far as the eye could see-the crown jewel of Andromeda, the pride of the Pythonos.

Punctuation thing: you want an em dash instead of a hyphen. The hyphen makes it look like “see-the” is one word. Usually, you can get an em dash by doing two dashes in a row: –. (On KP they don’t connect, but it still works.…[Read more]

@rae

I’d RP if anyone wanted to do something.

@rae

For one, these aren’t normal swords. For two, for most Realn it’s a matter of learning the skill and carrying one for sake of tradition. Some have ancient blades, but that’s rare. Nahim wears one (actually two right now) cuz his training master was Master Dare who was famous for saving the dragons from extinction and for his swordplay, and h…

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@rae

Sorry, this is a bit late, but here’s a critique as requested.

The opponent blocked, swinging its second sword

I was a bit confused why you used ‘its’ as the pronoun here. After finishing the paragraph, I realized that it must be some sort of virtual opponent, but I did read over the sentence a couple times in confusion before reading on and…[Read more]

@savannah_grace2009

Yeah, you could do them as separate chapters, and that should work. But also, be careful about waiting too long before launching into the bulk of the story. I don’t believe we’ve even reached the inciting incident yet, and you don’t want the reader to be thinking “let’s just get on with it!” You probably still have a little…[Read more]

@savannah_grace2009

I think this chapter was good! The only feedback I have is that the time jump was pretty confusing. You do tell us that it’s three years later fairly early on, but for the first few sentences it’s confusing, because the setting is nearly the same as the first scene. The two scenes also feel pretty much unrelated to each other,…[Read more]