Cloaked Mystery

@savannah_grace2009

Critique for chapter 7:

Really strong chapter! It really shows Lilitu’s struggles, which is something I don’t really remember from previous drafts. Like everyone else is saying, I like how you’re making Cassian a bigger character this time.

My only question would be, how did Lilitu survive? It seems like the Aquinos were…[Read more]

@theducktator

I don’t look at them often. I usually look a couple times in the process of reading to get an idea of where everything is, but I don’t look at them frequently, so a lot if the tine, I don’t know where things are happening.

@savannah_grace2009

Lir stretched out as far as the eye could see-the crown jewel of Andromeda, the pride of the Pythonos.

Punctuation thing: you want an em dash instead of a hyphen. The hyphen makes it look like “see-the” is one word. Usually, you can get an em dash by doing two dashes in a row: –. (On KP they don’t connect, but it still works.…[Read more]

@rae

I’d RP if anyone wanted to do something.

@rae

For one, these aren’t normal swords. For two, for most Realn it’s a matter of learning the skill and carrying one for sake of tradition. Some have ancient blades, but that’s rare. Nahim wears one (actually two right now) cuz his training master was Master Dare who was famous for saving the dragons from extinction and for his swordplay, and h…

[Read more]

@rae

Sorry, this is a bit late, but here’s a critique as requested.

The opponent blocked, swinging its second sword

I was a bit confused why you used ‘its’ as the pronoun here. After finishing the paragraph, I realized that it must be some sort of virtual opponent, but I did read over the sentence a couple times in confusion before reading on and…[Read more]

@savannah_grace2009

Yeah, you could do them as separate chapters, and that should work. But also, be careful about waiting too long before launching into the bulk of the story. I don’t believe we’ve even reached the inciting incident yet, and you don’t want the reader to be thinking “let’s just get on with it!” You probably still have a little…[Read more]

@savannah_grace2009

I think this chapter was good! The only feedback I have is that the time jump was pretty confusing. You do tell us that it’s three years later fairly early on, but for the first few sentences it’s confusing, because the setting is nearly the same as the first scene. The two scenes also feel pretty much unrelated to each other,…[Read more]

@savannah_grace2009

You’re right, it does come across as a bit extreme. But Kratos was/is a representation of every Andromedan race, and it’s showing how EVERYONE treats Paynes. Paynes aren’t even seen as “people” anymore (think WWII during the holocaust, except there aren’t any sympathizers). I can make him less…idk, happy that this is happening,…

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@savannah_grace2009

Because of their spiritual decay as they slowly drifted away from the Great One and became more and more open to the idea of abandoning their faith, they would start to take on characteristics of Pythonos without actually becoming one entirely.

Okay, that explanation works. However, this being the first chapter and all, r…[Read more]

@savannah_grace2009

(EDIT: this took longer than I thought, so I only got through he prologue. I’ll do chapter 1 tomorrow and chapter 2 on Wednesday.)

Alright, here’s some feedback. I’m just reading through and commenting as I go. As a warning for anyone else reading this, there may be spoilers in what I say here, since I’m familiar with much o…[Read more]

@savannah_grace2009

lol, no problem! I should have plenty of time Monday morning.

However…I have a bad habit of info dumping backstory in the first chapter

I used to have that problem as well (seems to be a common plague, especially for fantasy writers), but now I kind of have the opposite problem: my style has shifted to be a very strict 3…[Read more]

@savannah_grace2009

OH NO WHAT ELSE IS WRONG WITH IT 😬

now I’m scared xD

jk jk I’m sure whatever you have to say will be very helpful, as always! 🤣🤣

I have mostly positive things to say actually lol! The way I phrased that did sound a bit scary, sorry! 😅

@savannah_grace2009

Found it!

I’ll give you some feedback in a few days. We have a big party going on at our house tomorrow (and I’m working this afternoon) so I’m pretty busy, and I want to give this a good amount of time—there’s a lot of changes from the original version that I would like to comment on.

But for now, I’ll just say, this is really good!

@elette-giselle

(Few days late, but anyway…)

Hello! Welcome to KP!

I’m Jonas, a recently graduated homeschooled Christian writer. I write fantasy, specifically what I would call “hard fantasy.” I have only completed one story (not including short stories), which is an 8 chapter novella, but I have plans for many others, all if which take pl…[Read more]