Hannah

Yep, concurrence here too. 😀 It would need some really good characterization work for the kids to keep me reading though—not just a bunch of toddlers who’re one dimensional…toddlers. 😛
Nice ta meet ya, btw! I know you from stalking but I don’t think you were present when I actually came on. *shakes your hand heartily*
@HowlingWolf

Yep, concurrence here too. 😀 It would need some really good characterization work for the kids to keep me reading though—not just a bunch of toddlers who’re one dimensional…toddlers. 😛
Nice ta meet ya, btw! I know you from stalking but I don’t think you were present when I actually came on. *shakes your hand heartily*

Heyyyy! Kenya! Nice to see you again! 😀
I think the story could have a lot of potential, but you’d need to think up a plot that would actually keep the story moving and make so many different children and families necessary. It doesn’t have to be complicated— it could be as simple as some bad-guy scientist trying to get them back, and their…[Read more]

@Daeus whoops, guess I took way too long writing out my post. I wrote that for the third one you posted, not this latest one.
I liked the third one’s last sentence better, with ‘confront’, not ‘endure’. It sounds better, cuz we don’t know he endures it—we just know he’s confronted with it.

@Daeus whoops, guess I took way too long writing out my post. I wrote that for the third one you posted, not this latest one.
I liked the third one’s last sentence better, with ‘confront’, not ‘endure’.

‘No time to say hello, goodbye! I’m late I’m late I’m late!’

I like this one best, especially the last sentence. Not that I don’t like The Count of Monte Cristo (I do 😉 ), but that last sentence makes it sound it’ll be a little less like the said classic. Yours has the same concept, but it makes it sound like it’ll end a bit differently.(As I…[Read more]

@Christi-Eaton Kewel. 😀

@Christi-Eaton ESTJs are amazing. 😀 Talk about getting things done! So the description of the ESTJ sounds more like you than the ISTJ, even though you’re introverted? Neato.

@Leumeister I thought it was cool. XD Any two types that have exactly opposite letters are polar opposites, at least in theory. So ENFP, ISTJ—both of those have…[Read more]

@daeus I really like this third version, but I still have a few battle-moves I like to use. 😛

First off, you say ‘vague shadows surrounding’. Well, my mind inserts the word ‘shrouds’ instead. I don’t know. I just think that word works better there.

Secondly, you say ‘wreak his vengeance’, it just doesn’t seem to fit. I start thinking ‘wreak…[Read more]

In a twist of fate, he is forced to confront everything he fights for shattered, everything he cherishes put to the test, and a long-concealed truth that will threaten his life.”

There is something not quite right with this. I like the last line about the long-concealed truth, but something doesn’t quite flow right with the sentence as a w…[Read more]

@Daeus yes, I love it. I obviously know the story, which may or may not mess up my perspective, but it’s strong to me and makes me want to pick it up and read it… lots of questions.

@Daeus yes! Much better. The only thing that’s a little off is this sentence:

Setting out to find new strength, he plummets into struggles for survival, desperate plots, uncertainties, and the vague shadow surrounding his destiny from a dying mentor’s vision.

I think it’s just the ‘into struggles for survival’ part— maybe I’m being picky, b…[Read more]

@Daues yes! Much better. The only thing that’s a little off is this sentence:

Setting out to find new strength, he plummets into struggles for survival, desperate plots, uncertainties, and the vague shadow surrounding his destiny from a dying mentor’s vision.

I think it’s just the ‘into struggles for survival’ part— maybe I’m being picky, b…[Read more]

I’d rate it at a 7 or 8. A few corrections:

but strange events keep thwarting his every move

The ‘keep thwarting’ is passive. It would be stronger if you change it to thwarts.

And, as some of the others mentioned, I’d switch out one of the ‘events’ for a diffrent word.

and even his own life is put at stake.

There’s nothing wrong with…[Read more]

@perfectfifths
There are some very cool and well-done battles scenes in the prequels, but Anakin was very annoying.

@perfect-fifths Moody teenager indeed.
There are some very cool and well-done battles scenes in the prequels, but Anakin was very annoying.

@daeus
*melts synopsis* ATTACK!!! 😛 😀
Okay, just kidding.
So, for me, I wasn’t able to connect this:

Returning to wreak his vengeance, Matthew takes on the character of the mysterious Edwin Brook.

To this:

His wealth and power make his success almost certain

I guess for me, I don’t really know anything about Edwin Brooke…[Read more]

@daeus
*melts synopsis* ATTACK!!! 😛 😀
Okay, just kidding.
So, for me, I wasn’t able to connect this:

Returning to wreak his vengeance, Matthew takes on the character of the mysterious Edwin Brook.

To this:

His wealth and power make his success almost certain

I guess for me, I don’t really know anything about Edwin Brooke…[Read more]

@daeus
*melts synopsis* ATTACK!!! 😛 😀
Okay, just kidding.
So, for me, I wasn’t able to connect this:

Returning to wreak his vengeance, Matthew takes on the character of the mysterious Edwin Brook.

To this:

His wealth and power make his success almost certain

I guess for me, I don’t really know anything about Edwin Brooke as a…

[Read more]

@daeus
*melts synopsis* ATTACK!!! 😛 😀
Okay, just kidding.
So, for me, I wasn’t able to connect this:

Returning to wreak his vengeance, Matthew takes on the character of the mysterious Edwin Brook.

To this:

His wealth and power make his success almost certain

I guess for me, I don’t really know anything about Edwin Brooke as a…

[Read more]