Welcome back to another installment of KP Critiques! This is the corner where brave KeePers submit their work to Kingdom Pen for feedback.
We talk a lot about many techniques for good writing on Kingdom Pen, but here we hope to show KeePers good writing techniques in action!
Today, we have a fascinating excerpt by Aria Plains from her novel Dragon Twins.
Thank you so much, Aria, for submitting your excerpt. We had such a great time reading it, and I hope our feedback helps you on your writing journey!
Now, on to the critique!
Dragon Twins
By Aria Plains
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Prologue: The Finding
Ariale glanced through the pile of dusty scrolls and looked up at her brother. “Nothing here. Just a few old court records from the time of King Alan, with no mention of Princess Adira.” she told him quietly,
Let me go over dialogue and action tags real quick.
Dialogue Tag: He said, "You go first."
Action Tag: He gestured toward the door. "You go first."
In the first case, you are relying on words like "said" and "whisper" to let the reader know who is talking.
In the second case, you use an action to lead or to follow the dialogue in order to let the reader know who is talking.
The reason why I bring this up is because you use both an action tag and a dialogue tag in your first paragraph -- which is a bit unnecessary.
I recommend taking one out, so that it will look like this:
Ariale glanced through the pile of dusty scrolls and looked up at her brother. “Nothing here. Just a few old court records from the time of King Alan, with no mention of Princess Adira."
And since you already mentioned that Ariale is doing the action, and she is looking at her brother, we already know who is speaking, and to whom she is speaking to.
.... suppressing a laugh at his stooping beneath the rough beams of the ceiling.
With a clause this long, it’s best to just make it a sentence of its own.
She suppressed a laugh at his stooping beneath the rough beams of the ceiling.
Or, even better:
She looked at him stooping beneath the rough beams of the ceiling, and suppressed a laugh.
In the second sentence, you tell the reader the cause off her laughing first. Ordering your actions in this “cause and effect” way creates more clarity for the reader, and reduces any confusion.
Adiel crossed his arms.
You haven’t mentioned Adiel’s name before, but I’m assuming he’s Ariale’s brother. I recommend introducing his name sooner -- like in the first sentence. So that the first sentence would be:
Ariale glanced through the pile of dusty scrolls and looked up at her brother, Adiel.
“There have to be some from before you were captured,” he argued tiredly. Their cousin floated a few scrolls over to him.
Where is the cousin in this room? How did the cousin float the scrolls over? (With his mind, hand, etc?) Could you describe the action a bit more?
“There are these, but you already read them. I know there are no others in Ibia. My-Kitkun must have burned them during his reign,” Keme murmured, bowing his head.
Who is Keme? Is he the cousin? If so, then you could attach his name when he first comes in to avoid any confusion.
Ankou hung upside down from one of the rafters nearby Ariale. “Have you asked Lady Jaira, Lady Sarai, or Lord Asher??” he suggested, his long golden curls framing his face.
Once more, the introduction of Ankou is a bit jarring. We had no idea Ankou was in the room before he started speaking, and so it feels like the characters are materializing out of nowhere.
I recommend setting the scene first. What is this room? Who is all there? What is all in the room?
Otherwise, the reader will be disjointed and confused.
Ariale peered at her feet as though curious, and slowly shook her head, “…No.”
Adiel smiled slightly and sighed. “Ariale doesn’t know what to make of the government, or the rest of our family. But then, after her early years, who can blame her?” Ariale shuddered, and Ankou flipped to her.
Be a bit more specific with the action here. What do you mean by “flipped to her?” You can describe him releasing the railing, doing a half (or full) somersault in the air, and then landing lithely on his feet. (Or maybe he is clumsy, and stumbles 😉 ) That way, we can get a better picture of the action, and also show Ankou’s personality a bit more.
He embraced her lightly and glared around. “How about we don’t mention the war?”
Tara smiled sadly, “That would be perfectly alright. It’s just a difficult subject to avoid, you know that.”
Keme edged closer to her and placed an arm over her shoulders. “Star, don’t think about it for now,” he encouraged.
Tara shrugged his arm off and sighed. Adiel smiled at them and cocked his head. His eyes brightened, and he dashed to the trapdoor, hitting his head on one of the rafters. Rubbing his head with a rueful smile, he gently scooped up two scrolls. “I sensed Jaira and Elawr’s energy signatures. One of these ought to have something involving either Queen Adira or King Kitkun the First,” Adiel told them eagerly, unrolling one carefully. His eyes widened. “This-Is more than I expected. Ariale, come here!”
She warped to his side, Ankou wobbling slightly in her absence. Ariale gingerly took the scroll from him and began reading.
“My name is Jaira. This is a memoir of the occurrences that brought my sister and I to find our birth family..”
Interesting. I like how you set up this prologue for the rest of the story.
My main critique, is that it needs a bit more clarity.
First, I’m not exactly sure where this is taking place. I definitely recommend setting the scene. What room is it? How big is it? What all is in the room?
Second, there are a lot of characters introduced in this scene, and they are all a bit difficult to keep track of. You don’t want to overwhelm the reader so soon in your story. For the beginning of a story, I recommend only introducing one or two (at most three) characters at the same time. (Unless you go for omniscient POV, which is an entirely different matter)
Third, there are a lot of names dropped. Lady Jaira, Lady Sarai, Lord Asher, Elawr, and so on. Similar to the second point, it can be a bit confusing, and a bit too much for the reader to keep track of. The remedy, like the previous point, is to just introduce them slowly and meaningfully. This way, the reader will have time to let everything sink in, and get used to this new world.
Finally, the overall prologue needs a bit more structure. The best way to establish structure in a scene is by adding a clear goal and conflict. This will keep the readers engaged, and give a sense of progression in the story.
So how does this look in practice? I would recommend you structure your prologue like so:
Chapter 1: A Healer and Commander
My name is Jaira. This is a memoir of the occurrences that brought my sister and I to find our birth family, as it seems we will have to retell the tale throughout the years, and it is already growing tiring. I always knew I was adopted. I was lucky enough to be taken in by King Karim as a child barely capable of walking, sobbing alongside the road to .
My siblings, Prince Zeben Karim and Princess Rehema Kissa were eager to accept me, along with mother, Queen Nefertari. They called me Heba, although we all knew my given name. I had a pale-yellow stone pendant with a sleeping dragon made of silver curling round it, and my name laden in silver Avaryan runes.
At the time I was found, strong Ibian relations with Avarya were out of the question, as their queen had been killed by an ambush of both Ibian and Wereian radicals. And by the time they were strong enough for inquiries to be made about my identity, I begged my parents not too. It was better, I believed, to be solely their child, with such bonds as we had formed.
They conceded to my wishes, and soon we discovered my Manipulation capabilities. I am a Natural Empath, Telekinesis and Plant Wielder, and Healer, and a Trained Telepath, like most emissaries of the royal family. Rehema, being a Natural Teller and Healer, trained me in healing and helped me in all other areas.
We graduated together, somehow. Not long before this story truly starts. As a matter of fact, it all truly started to happen that day, not so long ago.
So far, that was a lot of exposition and information dumping.
The main reasons why writers tend to warn against exposition and information dumping is because 1) it can be uninteresting to read, and 2) you miss out on a lot of chances to emotionally connect with the reader and deliver information in a fascinating way.
You want to find a way to convey all that information in a way that grips the reader’s attention. My main two tips for doing this is:
With these two tips, try to take all of the information from those past paragraphs, and see if you can weave it into the story in one of those two ways.
And yes, that might mean you will have to add a few extra scenes, but it will be so very much worth it. Even better, we will care about Jaira and her story so much more, because we get to gradually learn about it. We will appreciate all the information you slowly dole out to us so much more.
I rushed down the hall, skidding to a stop before the great doors of the throne room. My freshly earned Empathetic Healer robes swished around my legs as I nodded to the guards. They bowed and opened the doors. Laughter and joyful chatter echoed throughout the room, quieting as I strode in, kneeling before the throne. “King Karim.” My voice wavered as I spoke. “I have come to notify you of my graduation from the rank of Apprentice Healer to Empathetic Healer. I, Jaira Heba, now swear fealty to you, to obey every order, kill whoever I must, and heal all I can.”
Father stood. “I, Karim Abubakar swear to honor your fealty, to unquestioningly protect you and those you love, and to listen to whatever advice you give me, daughter.” He stepped down from his throne and pulled me up into his embrace. “Well done.” Father whispered before releasing me.
Rehema and Zeben grabbed me eagerly and hugged me tight. “Way to go, Heba!!!” Zeben cheered softly, stepping back.
Now, this is more of a nitpick. But after the very formal speech between king and daughter, the phrase “way to go” is a bit jarring and out of place.
Rehema grinned, looking me up and down in my new robes. “They suit you well.” I glanced at her own. “As they do you.”
Rehema smiled. “We both earned them.”
Mother’s soft voice came from behind me. “Yes, you did. I am proud of you both, my daughters.”
Here, also, I’m a bit confused as to who all is in the room and what the room looks like. This time, it’s an easy fix! When Jaira walks into the room, take the time to describe the room, who all is in it, and where they are. That way, we can get a very solid image in our heads before continuing with the story.
Final Thoughts:
I really enjoyed reading this! We only get a glimpse of the world and magic-system, but it already seems fascinating. I am also curious about seeing more of Jaira's journey to finding her birth family and what adventures await her.
The main two critiques I had were about the exposition and description. These two things take a bit of time and practice to get the hang of, but I hope my tips helped you know where to begin. 🙂 Description will help bring your fascinating world alive, and carefully delivered exposition will help your reader connect and understand your story on a much deeper level.
With that, great job! I hope the feedback helps you on your writing journey!
Take heart, be courageous, and keep writing!
~ Erin Ramm
Aria Plains
Aria is a follower of Jesus the Messiah, a big sister, and an artist of multiple kinds. When she’s not writing or taking care of her siblings, she’s drawing, painting, coding, reading, or just plain messing around and living on the open plains.
Become an Unstoppable Writer!
Thank you!! I’ll be working on that soon.
Hey, your profile pic–that’s the Rebel Alliance symbol! Are you a Star Wars fan or did you just like the symbol?
Really cool! I think it’ll be an awesome story!
This sound like a really interesting fantasy world! Also, the critiques helped me see how I too can improve with my own writing. I Had a really fun time reading this.