We are happy to present the first installment of KP Critiques since it's relaunch! Today's excerpt is the first chapter of Riah Black's story, Wanderers.

Here is the amazing submission and our critique:

Wanderers - Chapter One

An eagle shrieked harshly, welcoming the dawn. Merid started awake, hastily brushing the long, black strands of hair off her earth-toned face. Her clear blue eyes keenly scanned the dim cave. 

Other than a few rainbow-woven blankets strewn on the floor, it was bare. Her father and cousins were gone. Merid was alone.

Surely they could not have left her behind! The girl scrambled to her feet, about to creep out of the cave when she felt a hand grasp her own. Merid tensed instinctively and whirled into a defensive stance, 

You did a great job here. I can really feel her panic without you having to say outright:“she felt panicked”

only to see that it was her cousin Uletris, behind her the rest of Merid’s friends and cousins.

What are her friends and cousins doing? Sitting? Standing? Milling about? Why didn’t Merid see them before?

Merid relaxed, but looked questioningly at her friend who was holding a finger to her mouth.

Merid was a Kor-Valy and belonged to the Taralain tribe, a nomadic people that roamed the rolling deserts of the southeast. 

This sentence is very info-dumpy. I know this is an important piece of information, but right now, I am not sure what Kor-Valy is, and the Taralain tribe has no importance to me. This would be a great opportunity, though, to add more world building and description. What do I mean by this? I’m going to guess that a Kor-Valy is a race of people, and Uletris and Merid are both Kor-Valy.

You can add a sentence like this: Uletris had earth-toned skin and clear blue eyes, the same as Merid - and typical of the Kor-Valy people.

 This way you are relaying information about our character’s appearance without it feeling forced. This will also imply that they are Kor-Valy and what they are, all in one sentence. You can do this again by describing Uletris’s clothes. Is there some kind of necklace or headband she wears that signifies the Taralain people? What kind of clothes must she be wearing that might show the readers that they are desert nomads? Shoes for travelling across the hot desert sand? Face coverings to protect against the southeastern sun? 

It had been a hot, barren year and the tribe’s food supply was giving out. Much as he disliked it, the chief had been compelled to resort to the caravans traveling down the trade route from the north as his source of replenishing the empty stores. They were nearly there now; but a few miles lay between them and the trade route.

Merid opened her mouth to speak, but Uletris frowned at her.

“Be quiet, Merid,” Uletris breathed in her ear. “Your father went out to scout. They saw dust rising to the north, from the direction of the caravan road.”

“And what is there to fear in that?” Merid demanded in a loud whisper.

“It is not a dust cloud as a caravan would stir up. More like a swirl that goes up fore and aft a great company of horse-riders.”

Merid swallowed hard. Horse-riders spelled trouble. She noted that her cousins’ eyes were worried as they looked at her. There was no sound at all save for that of shallow breathing. 

There was something they were not telling her.

Merid was annoyed. Why would her cousins hide anything from her, the chief’s own daughter? Merid clenched her jaw. She hated being kept in the dark. 

Here, you don’t have to tell the readers that Merid is annoyed. By saying that she clenched her jaw, and showing her thoughts about being kept in the dark is enough to show the readers what she feels.

Just then, her father’s figure appeared, a dark silhouette against the bright blue and yellow of the sky and sand behind him. He beckoned to Merid and her cousins. As one, they let out their breaths and stepped towards their chief.

“Our suspicions are confirmed: a party of khalion Derlavvi are riding towards us down the trade route. Saddle the camels, jaimebe. Keep your arrows nocked and your swords drawn.”

“Khalion Derlavvi?” Merid stiffened. “Why don’t we just wait until they pass? I have no desire to meet them.”

“Look, daughter,” Chief Taigg said, pointing. 

What is he pointing to?

“They have stopped. We looked at them through the spyglass, and they obviously mean to camp. We must go on; every lost hour brings our tribe closer to starvation.”

“We looked at them through the spyglass”, is a bit awkward. That isn’t something someone would say. If you really want to let the readers know that they used a spyglass, maybe show the chief holding the spyglass.

Merid hesitated, thinking of her little brother’s sweet little face and glassy black eyes, hollow with hunger. “But Father, the Derlavvi are our sworn enemies!” Merid protested. 

What if, instead of Merid just thinking about her little brother, her little brother actually appears on the scene? Maybe you can show the chief’s expression softening and filling with sorrow when he sees Merid’s brother. This will illustrate how the chief’s desperation to save his family and tribe has driven him to make foolish decisions. 

Or is her little brother not in the cave? You mentioned that Merid is just there with her friends and cousins. But where is the rest of her family? It would be good to clarify that.

“I know. I bear no love to the Derlavvi, but I have no desire either to become once more entangled in a kin-war. We will pass them by quietly.”

Merid was silent. She just could not shake off the bad feeling that constricted her heart. 

One of her boy cousins stood up suddenly and addressed the chief. “Baran, I do not trust the Derlavvi, and I know that neither do you. It is folly to approach them with thoughts of peace; it has abandoned this world, and will betray us if we trust it.”

“Silence, Keriol!” Chief Taigg thundered, his features dark with fury. “Not in vain have I led the tribe for two score years and five. I know what is best for my people.”

Keriol was silenced, but not convinced. He glared at his uncle, their eyes locked in combat.

This last sentence feels like it was written from Keriol's POV instead of Merid's. Technically, Merid doesn't know that Keriol is not convinced, and Merid would not refer to her own father as "his uncle". You can just take out "but not convinced" since you already implied that by the way he glares at his uncle. 

Ever Keriol had been the rebellious one, but for once, Merid sided with him. 

“I am sorry to seem insubordinate to you, my father, but I think that Keriol is right.”

The chief did not answer his daughter, only turned his head towards her. Merid looked into his dark eyes churning with fury. 

Is Merid churning with fury? Or are her father’s dark eyes churning with fury? It’s not clear. Also, using the verb ‘churning’ would mean his eyes are swirling and convulsing. You could say, "Fury churned in his dark eyes" Or "His dark eyes blazed with fury".

She bowed her head, biting her lip in frustration. 

“Keriol and Merid, you are to follow in the rear instead of taking your accustomed places beside me. On your camels, Taralain. We will circle around the enemy camp. Call no threats!”

Merid and Keriol fell in step with each other as they left the cave. As Merid girded herself with her sword, Chief Taigg brushed past. In a poisonous voice he hissed at her through clenched teeth, “Keep your doubts to yourself, daughter. Do not cause the people’s faith in me to waver.”

Merid darted a dagger-like glance back at her father. Fuming, she slung her leg over her camel’s back and tossed her head, stiffening slightly as she felt the familiar sensation of her camel rising to its feet. She wrapped her rainbow plaid shawl around her head and face, threw a hasty glance behind to make sure Keriol was following, and slapped the reins.

When she looks back at Keriol, this is a good opportunity to briefly describe how he is reacting to being forced to go despite being adamantly against it. Is he also fuming? Or is he just slumped back in defeat? Maybe he is lost in thought, and Merid suspects he is thinking up some mischief? Showing his reaction will also help us get to know him better as well.

The short miles that lay between the Taralain and the Derlavvi seemed to fly by like seconds to Merid – too swiftly and surely. With every stride her camel took, her heart sank lower and lower into her feet.

The Derlavvi were just ahead, so near that Merid could see them clearly. They were tall and fair-skinned, dressed in dark-hued uniforms that trailed to the ground. The color of their hair varied from burgundy to ash and from bleached pink to turquoise-tipped black. What fascinated Merid most, however, was their eyes: they all had a strange metallic gleam to them, regardless of their color. And the girl could see the glitter of hatred in them even though they regarded her with expressionless faces. 

But what was most eerie about them was the silence.

As they rode swiftly by, Merid cast a furtive glance behind. Her gaze met that of a young archer. From the corner of her eye Merid saw an arrow whizz by, almost grazing her shoulder. 

Saying that Merid "saw an arrow" distances us from the action. “An arrow whizzed by, almost grazing her shoulder” Is a more active and urgent sentence.

She heard a sudden sharp ring to her right and saw to her horror that Keriol had whipped out his sword defiantly, daring teh the archer to shoot again.

The Derlavvi all leapt to their feet as one. A rain of arrows fell among the Taralain. But they did not halt; they rode on madly. As she flashed by, Merid saw for an instant the face of Uletris, drenched in her own lifeblood. Keriol’s brother Kaelen, riding just ahead of her, suddenly jerked off his steed, pierced to death before he could even cry out.

Does Keriol see the death of his brother? How does he react?

All Merid’s fear was washed out in a burning flood of rage and grief. All her memories of Uletris and Kaelen flashed before her eyes. Two friendships severed so suddenly, two lives ended before her eyes. She gripped her sword tightly, fighting back tears and suppressing the scream stuck in her throat.

The Derlavvi were closing in, rounding up the Taralain into a tight circle. Merid and Keriol – who was still alive – wheeled around at the same time to face the enemy. 

I took out this clause, because it is already implied that they are still alive.

Neither of them was prepared for the sight that met their eyes.

The rest of the Derlavvi force, surrounded by an impenetrable blue shield, were running towards them, wielding such weapons as Merid had never dreamed existed. 

The Derlavvi shot bright purple balls of light which exploded with sonic acuteness as soon as they found their marks, consuming several people and camels at once in violet-colored flames.

This sentence is out of order. The cause (the balls hitting the ground) should come before the effect (the explosions). Here you mentioned the effect and then the cause. 

I also took out ‘at once’ and ‘colored’, as those two words are already implied, and their omission creates a stronger sentence. Also balls of light are naturally bright, so you don’t need that adjective either. Here is the edited sentence:

The Derlavvi shot purple balls of light. As soon as they found their marks, they exploded with sonic acuteness, consuming several people and camels in violet flames.

They were, Merid realized, being swiftly, utterly, and methodically annihilated.

This sentence is far more powerful without the interruption of ‘Merid realized’.

This is another example of an out of order sentence. The cause (the missiles hitting Keriol) should come before the effect (Keriol gasping).

 I would change it to: Beside her, a burning missile found its mark, embedding itself in Keriol chest, and he gave a gasping cry. 

Everything seemed to freeze for Merid as she helplessly watched her cousin fall to the ground. He lay motionless at her feet, his blood staining the hem of her dress.

🙁

Merid never forgot that horrifying image, for it was burned inside her head— to haunt her dreams and waking hours, never to go away.

This is a great sentence, but there is one problem. According to the next paragraph, you are trying to make it seem like this is the end and that she is going to die. This sentence implies that she lives to be able to have dreams and a lot more waking hours.

There was no hope. This was the end. Tears blurred her vision, grief choked her. Anger and revenge rekindled in her breast. She would die fighting. With a chilling war cry, Merid charged headfirst towards the mortal blue shield.

Final Thoughts

Wow! What an ending! Now I really want to know what happens next. 🙂 

If Merid survives and is the protagonist of this story, then this is a strong beginning to her story arc. I’m interested to see how this event changes her, haunts her, and fuels her decisions for the rest of the story.

You also have a great start with the worldbuilding in this story, the different tribes and the conflicts between them makes me want to learn more about this world. 

I think the main thing you need to work on is the point of view. Right now, the excerpt is written in a very distant way. This works for some stories, but I think you were trying to tell this story from Merid’s POV and relay this story through her eyes. If you focus on wrapping this story into Merid’s pov, the reader will feel closer to Merid and be more immersed in the story. To do this, I suggest you

• Be aware of how you refer to people 
  • Don’t refer to Merid as “the girl” or “daughter” (Merid wouldn't refer to herself that way)
  • Don’t refer to her father as “the chief” or "uncle" (Merid wouldn't refer to her father that way)
• Be carefully describing other people’s emotions - as we are not in their POV but Merid’s

Another thing you want to look out for is the number of adverbs you use. Words that end it ‘ly’, tend to either be unnecessary or weaken your verbs. You don't have to take them all out, just be aware of where the are needed.

Here are examples where the omission of adverbs would make your writing stronger:

• ...whipped out his sword defiantly -> Whipped out his sword
• ...gripped her sword tightly -> Gripped her sword
• Merid tensed instinctively -> Merid tensed. 

Other than that, this is great start to your novel, and keep up the good work!

~ Erin Ramm