KP Critiques | Name of Respect

Welcome back once again to another KP Critiques! Today we have a fantastic excerpt by Hannah-Abigail Toth from her novel Name of Respect.

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Name of Respect

Chapter One

Hannah-Abigail Toth

      Seven sons. Seven daughters. Seven gifts. And man’s freewill has wrecked us all. The lie of equality with purebloods, the multi-colored swirl of our eyes screaming our weakened gifts. No, we aren’t how the Creator intended – and not even the Rewriting can erase how (delete "how") the disgrace in which we live.

This is a great first paragraph. However, since it doesn't have any immediate effect on the story, it loses it's impact. If you could somehow tie it into what happens next or to the end of the chapter, it will seem more important and memorable. 

I slid the saddle from Kavinet’s back, then loosed him into the aviary before collecting my saddlebag and bow and dragging myself down the multi-storied stairs. Too bad he couldn’t have left me at the bottom.

I suggest mentioning what kind of creature Kavinet is. The saddle makes me think he is a horse, the aviary makes me think it is a large bird or eagle, but as you mention dragons later in the story, now I’m wondering if it is a dragon.

I crossed the courtyard and shoved through the massive double doors, aches winding up my legs. Oh, the pleasure of running over a hundred miles in less than four days. More stairs, these ones winding, and corridors paved with stone. My legs screamed as I conquered the last flight and braced myself against the wall. I clawed at my mask, sweat burning my eyes, fire searing the bridge of my nose from chaffing.

A soldier shifted by the doors at the end of the corridor, then strode toward me, his boots echoing against the stone. Torchlight glinted off the gold strip marking the shoulders of his cloak.

I shoved off the wall and bit back a scowl.

Of course, my favorite Nirfelim captain would be on duty now.

Daygar propped a foot against the wall and folded his arms. “Fail again, Arrowwing?”

Dropping my saddlebag, I straightened beneath his piercing gaze, that horrid gaze which flickered between shards of golden hair. I scowled and brushed my knives.

So where does Arrowing keep the knives? How many does Arrowing have? 

If only Erlan were still here.

Daygar snickered. “Oh, right. You’ve finally managed a streak.” He dipped his head, his eyes dark despite their icy color. “Break it yet?”

If only he could see the glare behind my mask.

My fingers whitened around my bow staff. “Lord Atulien ready to see me, sir?”

“Busy.” Daygar offered a jagged tooth smile. “Get lost until he calls.”

I like how I can tell who Daygar is just from these six simple words. 🙂 

Seriously? But I so wanted to continue this conversation.

I slapped an arm to my chest. Grabbing my saddlebag, I slipped into the adjacent corridor. My neck hairs pricked, the torches’ glare seeming to reflect the scowl and sharp eyes burning into my back.

Don’t react. Don’t show fear.

My shoulder brushed stone as I rounded the corner. I lengthened my stride.

Boots clipped stone.

I whirled, dropping my saddlebag and half-pulling an arrow from my quiver.

A cloaked figure entered the passage I had just exited, two golden cords swinging from their left shoulder.

Just another Keiheven.

Keiheven doesn't have any meaning to me, so this would be a good time to at least allude to what a Keiheven does. Since Arrowwing appears to also be a Keiheven, this is an important piece of information to give the readers. For example, if Keihevens are messengers, you could say, "Just another Keiheven. Probably back from delivering a message in X" or, "Most likely off to prepare for a journey to deliver a message for X". This way, you can give the reader some sense of what a Keiheven does without telling them outright. 

I exhaled with a snort.

As if I’d be able to hear a pureblooded Saerhilnite sneaking up on me.

I flexed my fingers and resumed my trek.

Like a predator stalking its prey, he would come. I wasn’t the only one within these walls who maintained a streak.

I sucked a breath and laid a hand on the door to the one-cord barracks.

Be vacant.

I peeked into the half-lit room. All the bunks lay empty, their blankets smoothed to perfection. I headed through the rows to the far left, and propped my bow against the only bed with a crumpled blanket.

I really like this insight into Arrowing. You let the reader know that Arrowing is not as tidy as the others without blatantly saying so. 🙂

Let Gyana scold me later. More important things arose when preparing for a mission other than making one’s bed.

I kicked the saddlebag under the bed near the headboard, then crouched and pushed it deeper into the shadows. The bed creaked as I shrugged from my long coat then folded my legs. A clump of mud fell onto the dark blanket. Scowling, I ripped off my boots then flicked the mud.

Gyana would be thrilled when she saw this.

But it wasn’t my fault the flight to Krilivon and back hadn’t been pleasant. Or my latest encounter there with Reive. Or Daygar.

I tugged my woven braids from their bun then trailed fingers through the wind-blown strands. At least I could freshen up before reporting to Atulien.

I'll just take a moment here to mention that I'm not sure how to imagine Arrowing. I’m not sure if Arrowwing is a girl or a guy. You mentioned that Arrowing has braids and a bun, but this seems to be a world where braids are common (as we later see with Atulien). I’m also not sure how old Arrowwing is, as well as not completely sure what Arrowwing looks like. Establishing who the main character is in the first chapter is absolutely vital to the story. You’ve got the name down, so just try to fit in age, appearance, gender, and so on.

Later. Trust Daygar to forget to inform Atulein I had returned until the next quarter day. Money loss aside, at least I could relax a bit.

I unknotted my mask and cast it in the corner. Blinking a few times, I set to tending to my quiver and knife belt. At least I could see properly now, and not through mesh eyeholes.

Lighting a lantern, I pulled a carving knife and a small piece of wood from my pouch. I eyed the nearly completed whistle, then shaved a sliver.

So Arrowwing was about to tend to the quiver and knife belt, but then Arrowwing continues to start shaving a sliver from a whistle. I am a bit confused as to why Arrowwing did that. Perhaps explain the process a bit more. 

The door hissed. Boots whispered.

Already?

I scrambled for my mask, securing it as the tall figure strode into view, her three cords tapping in rhythm.

Where are the cords from? What are they for? 

Well, welcome home to me.

I swallowed as I rose, then slapped an arm to my chest. “Captain Gyana.”

Gyana sniffed, her weather-beaten forehead scrunching. “You smell like a wet deyin.”

I squeezed my forearm. “Downpours tend to do that.”

Her gaze flicked – probably to the mud streak. Her lips pursed. “Mission report?”

“All’s well in Krilivon.” I cleared my throat, bitterness caking my tongue. “Reive’s fine.”

“Going soft, you mean.” Gyana scowled. “The Commander’s had too much influence on him.”

I shifted on the balls of my feet. “He’s still very much Walden’s and your son. I don’t think time will ever change that.”

“I thought you hated my son.”

I clenched my fists. “I wasn’t defending him for him. I was for you.”

Gyana’s brow smoothed, though her lips remained pursed. “You’ve grown since the five year old I first trained.” She held out her hand. “The Commander’s response?”

I backed into the bed frame and pressed a hand to my pouch. “For Lord Atulien only. We both know that.”

Her gaze darkened. “After all these years, I thought your five-year-old habits would have changed.”

“You were one trainer of many, and my mother––”

“Is dead. Maybe you should move past wearing black.”

I stiffened, my right hand curling. Inhale, exhale. Don’t spit words. Don’t–– Just don’t. I threw back my shoulders. “Maybe you’ve been a mentor, but not one I aspire to in every way. Breaking an official seal is a grave offense.”

Her lips twitched. “Ever the rule keeper.” She withdrew a leather cord from her pouch, an off-kilter cylinder dangling from the end. She tapped it, the black dragon which twisted from her wrist to forefinger glaring at me. “What’s this?”

How did she––

Relax. Breathe.

I craned my neck to meet her eyes. The truth wouldn’t hurt. “Evidium. The strongest and most lightweight metal on the market. It’s said to be shock-absorbant.” I held out my hand, working my jaw to keep from scowling. “It was a memento.”

Gyana lifted it to her eye level. “How much is it worth?”

The burnished bronze piece twisted.

I swallowed. “I’ll give you a third of my last pay.”

“The letter.”

“Half.”

“Three-quarters.”

I scowled. “For that small thing? I’m not crazy.”

“And you think I am? Evidium is the most expensive metal on the market.” She lowered the piece, her lips crooking. “Do you want it back or not?”

I held her gaze – that hateful blue – then dug into my pouch. I slapped the coins into her extended hand.

She cast the necklace on the bed. “Lord Atulien’s ready to see you. Yes, you’re welcome.” She turned, then paused, glancing over her shoulder with a smile. “I wouldn’t trust those creatures.”

Great dialogue between those two characters! 

Clamping a scowl, I spun and stuffed the whistle into my pouch as the door whispered. I slipped the evidium necklace over my head. The dragon on my hand scowled.

Interesting. So both the main character and Gyana have dragons on their hands? I suggest mentioning that a bit sooner - as soon as you can with the main character, and when Gyan first comes in, mention it on her hand. It's a rather important detail that should be introduced as soon as possible. 

***

The silver intertwining his two thin braids glinted in the sunlight streaming through the eastern windows.

I suggest you mention whose braids they are. “The silver intertwining Atulien’s two thin braids…” Unless you have a reason not to introduce Atulien's name, mentioning it as soon as possible helps avoid any confusion. 

I bowed. “M’lord.”

Atulien folded his hands behind his back and strode from the dais. “You’re tense today, Keiheven.”

Where are Arrowwing and Atulien talking? I know that there is a dais, but what does the rest of the room look like? Are they outside or inside? Don’t be afraid to sprinkle in some more description, and have the characters interact with the setting a bit more. Not only in this excerpt, but also going forward. 

I rolled my shoulders. “Simply weary, m’lord.”

His blue eyes bore into me.

You’re a warrior. Act like one. Gyana’s lesson of years past caused me to lift my chin.

He nodded. “Report?”

“Message delivered.” I fumbled for my pouch and withdrew the parchment. A dragon snaked through the red wax. “The Commander sends his pleasantries.”

Atulien beckoned me forward as he tucked the letter into the folds of his cloak. 

I followed him between the pillars to the fifth arched window. Dots of soldiers patrolled the battlements, more sweeping the courtyard.

“You flew through the night?”

Obviously, with the total pay decreasing every hour. Who knew how long Daygar would delay me once I returned?

I nodded.

“And the eagle?”

“He’s in good shape. I ran and flew in increments.” I met his eyes, my limbs groaning. “I can be ready with a few hours of shuteye, if need be.”

Atulien pressed a drawstring bag into my hand. I slid it into my pouch as his gaze pinned me. “There are no other Keiheven available to run this mission. Not ones I trust.”

Not ones he trusted? What, like Gyana?

“Message run?”

He shook his head.

My lips warred between an upward and downward tilt. My chest clenched as the walls contracted, narrowing into an alleyway. Acrid rot lined the way. A lad stood there trembling, his eyes wide and edged with tears.

This last paragraph is a bit confusing. Is Arrowwing just imagining this? 

No. It won’t be that. I sucked a sharp breath. Protector, but not – not that. He knows I can’t. I straightened, expelling a breath before chancing a smile. “M’lord?”

His eyes narrowed. “There’s nothing heartening about the future of our country being at sake stake."

I bowed my head. “I’m – sorry. I didn’t intend, didn’t know––”

“At the current moment intentions aren’t of consequence.”

I winced, but nodded and accepted the folded parchment he extended.

“There’s a child who’s key to the rise or fall of Veyn.”

Which means what? Protecting or––

The edge of the parchment crinkled.

Don’t even think it.

Atulien seemed to study me.

I flinched. Had I spoken aloud?

I leaned on the window ledge. A falgrin and rider swooped toward the aviary. Sweat trickled down my face, rubbing further with my mask. “M’lord, last time––”

He folded his arms. “I want him and his family protected. They’ll be safe here.”

I relaxed my shoulders, exhaling a pent up breath.

Protect. It sounded right. It felt right.

I chewed my lip. “And if there’s resistance to bringing them here?”

A chance of a scowl darkened his eyes. “‘For the best interest of our country.’”

A dark room. A hint of smoke. A shadow huddled in the corner. Her fear snaked through me like a chill, freezing my hand.

I blinked, the room lightening, though the chill lingered. “‘To the bright future of Veyn.’”

“‘May it never dim.’” Then a smile flickered, his gaze softening. “I’ll await your return in three dawns.”

This is a very interesting string of dialogue. However, both characters are talking very vaguely to one another. It's difficult to feel the weight of anything they are saying without any context, and it is hard to follow. I understand that you might be going for mystery in this dialogue, but if you add too much mystery, it can end up being confusing. The reader needs to understand just enough so that they don't feel totally out of the loop. Right now, we aren't completely sure what Atulien wants and there is some sort of mystery to something Arrowwing did in the past.  I recommend focusing the mystery on just one aspect of the two. For example, make it clear what Atulien wants, and put all the mystery around Arrowwing's past. This way, the reader can have something to hold onto, and not be completely in the dark. 

I nearly choked. Three dawns? He still thought me skilled enough for that?

Inhaling, I pressed an arm to my chest and bowed. Protecting. It’s in my blood. My fingers brushing the single cord twisting from my shoulder. I swallowed. “I shan’t fail, m’lord.”

“I trust so.” His gaze dropped. “You haven’t worn that pendant since––” He rubbed his chin, then waved his hand. “Go. Rest.”

I shoved the parchment into my pouch, then pressed through the oaken doors into the guard room. Daygar’s grin twisted as our eyes met. Laying a hand on my knives, I shouldered through the next set of doors and hurried down the corridor.

Back in the barrack, I sank on my bed and withdrew the parchment. It stared at me. This is what you want, isn’t it?

A torch-lit hall. Rows of Keiheven divided by rank, their cloaks freshly pressed. Mother standing with the two-cords, Father with the three.

But they wouldn’t when I earned my second cord.

Change is a hateful design.

The parchment crinkled as I unfolded it. Ink lay smudged, the later lines blotted to near unrecognition. But they sparkled, framed by a soft, golden light. I reread it thrice.

Hastula.

A star-eyed child.

Triple a messenger’s pay.

A tendril of mist brushed the page, though the light slipped through. Crunching the parchment, I cast it into the flaming hearth, then flopped on my bed.

Comments

Ooh, I’m intrigued. This is a very nice set up to a novel with lots of world building and mystery. Dialogue, writing style, pretty much everything is on-point. One of your biggest strengths, and something I really enjoyed from this excerpt, was how much mystery you weaved into the story. You hinted at a lot of mysteries and raised a lot of questions -a really great way to begin a story and keep readers reading. Just be sure to balance the mystery with enough context. Too much mystery, and the reader can end up feeling lost and confused. 

Secondly, you have the setup for a really interesting fantasy world. The little world building elements you sprinkled throughout really added a lot to the story. All it needs is just a bit more description to help the reader really immerse themselves in the world you have created. 

Finally, during the second part - where the main character is talking with Atulien - Arrowwing seems almost like a different person. In the first part, Arrowwing seems to have a temper and sarcasm. In the second part, Arrowwing is more fearful with no trace of any sarcasm. On one hand, I like how you showed how Arrowwing acts differently depending on the person Arrowwing is with (especially if this person holds more power), but the internal monologue should still be somewhat similar. That way, the reader should be able to tell that this POV is Arrowwing’s right off the bat.

Other than that, from this unique and mystery-filled excerpt, I can already tell that this is going to be a promising and great story. 

So fantastic job, and keep up the great work!

~ Erin Ramm