KP Critiques | Kindling

Welcome back to another KP Critiques! This time, we have a fantastic excerpt by Samuel Robbins from his novel KINDLING.

If you want to get your writing critiqued, head on over the the Kingdom Pen submissions page, and review the KP Critiques guidelines. 

Well, without further ado, let's get onto the critique!

Background

Magnus Dragonwind is living a normal life in the village of Millfalls when disaster strikes. After discovering the true meaning behind his last name and his startling new gift of fireweaving, he is forced to flee, vowing he will fight against King Archax, who will stop at nothing to kill Magnus, for he is the only threat to the throne. But he soon discovers that he’s being followed. Though he doesn’t know it, Magnus is the key to saving the kingdom… or destroying it. An epic chase ensues, spanning thousands of miles (and thousands of words!) In the end, Magnus must stand united with the rebellion against the descending forces of the king and fight for his life, his friends, his enslaved village, and all he holds dear.

Kindling

“It has begun,” Ravyn said from beside Magnus with a sorrowful expression.

The small group stood alertly with their weapons drawn. Vermak swung his ax to make sure he had enough room. Ravyn nocked an arrow to her ethereal, glowing blue bow and held it ready to shoot. Camila flourished a twin embossed dagger in each hand. Magnus held Arondite, the enchanted blade pulsing softly. Theodoric bore a large broadsword. A dark elf called Eldrin hefted a similar weapon. The seemingly ragtag group of fighters had actually been hand-picked by Magnus himself—they had an exceedingly important task, and he had elected to perform it with one representative from each group making up the Last Alliance forces.

“A scout ran into the citadel a few minutes ago,” said Vermak to Magnus. “The Kingdom is coming.”

Together they watched the gates through the ranks of men and sharpened stakes that had been set up behind the Amethyst Gates. A minute dragged by, then another… and another. Without taking his eyes from the twin doors, Magnus hoisted himself onto Ember’s back, Arondite in his hand, a comfortable weight. Ravyn shifted beside him, holding the arrow onto the rest of the bow with two fingers. Camila spun her dagger once.

Then a man cried, “I hear them!”

The warriors stiffened; grips tightened on weapons. No one moved… no one breathed. Somewhere a horse nickered.

Magnus and the rest of his group trooped up to the wall by way of tall, winding flights of stairs built into the stone. It was now past midnight. The sky was utterly dark, and the stillness of the heavy air felt foreboding, as if a storm was coming.

When they reached the battlemented parapets lining the walkway, they looked anxiously downward. Magnus’ heart beat quickly as he imagined what he might find.

Suddenly the dark clouds were seared by a blinding flash. Forked lightning struck upon the eastward valley wall. For a staring moment Magnus and the watchers on the walls saw all the space between them and the Amethyst Gates lit with white light: it was boiling and crawling with armored shapes, some squat and broad, some tall and grim, with high helms and tall shields. Hundreds and hundreds more were pouring from the darkness of the forest. The dark tide flowed up to the narrow walls around the Gates from cliff to cliff. Thunder rolled in the valley. Rain came lashing down. Great description here, but it feels a bit detached. Readers tend to skim passages like this. So how to make it more engaging? The key is Magnus. Magnus is your main character, so the readers are going to care about anything that he cares about. Why does any of this description matter to him? Does he feel the rain lashing down on his face? Are his clothes soaked? What does he think about all the armored shapes approaching? Make it more personal to Magnus, and the readers will feel more attached and engaged in the story. 

“It’s the Kingdom!” someone screamed.

Arrows thick as the rain that was coming pelting down came whistling over the battlements, and fell clinking and glancing on the stones. Some found a mark, but most fell short in the darkness. Ravyn fired her glowing blue arrow, and it arced through the night until it found its mark in a captain, who had been standing atop a tall rock.

The assault on Phoenix Haven had begun, but no sound or challenge was heard within; no answering arrows came.

The assailing hosts of the Kingdom halted, foiled by the silent menace of amethyst and stone barring their way. Again and again the lightning tore aside the darkness hanging over the valley, illuminating their great ranks, stretching for a mile in either direction. Again, the past few paragraphs feel very detached. Writing this through Magnus’s eyes would breathe life into your story.

Then a harsh command echoed through the valley:

“Loose!”

Magnus acted just in time as he realized what it meant. He summoned an energy shield, putting considerable effort into it. How is he putting effort into it? Does he grit his teeth with effort? Does he feel the energy being sucked from him? Show us how he is using a lot of effort. The great orange globe encompassed the entire walkway along the top of the Amethyst Gates, shielding the wall watchers and Magnus’ group from the deadly projectiles that arced through the air from the ranks of Kingdom archers below. The energy shield lit up the night, pulsing and glowing. Magnus saw steel glinting in the flickering orange light.

Brazen trumpets sounded. The enemy surged forward, some against the turreted stone wall, which stood firm against the onslaught, others towards the causeway and the ramp that led up to the Amethyst Gates. A moment the Kingdom hesitated, and then on they came. The lightning flashed, rending the sky from top to bottom, and blazoned upon every helm and shield the twisting flame insignia of the Kingdom was seen. They reached the summit of the rock, and the ranks of soldiers drove towards the gates.

Then at last an answer came: a storm of arrows met them, and a hail of stones. They wavered, broke, and fled back; and then charged again, and broke, and then charged again. Each time, like the rising tide, they halted at a higher point on the rough stone. The Kingdom was gaining ground. What does Magnus think about this? How is he holding up?

Again, the trumpets rang, and a force of roaring men leaped from the ranks of the enemy. They held their large shields above them like a plated metal roof, while in their midst they bore two trunks of mighty trees. Behind them crimson-clad archers crowded, sending a hail of arrows against the watchers and warriors on the walls. The trees, swung by strong arms, struck the Gates with a rending boom. If any soldier fell, crushed by a stone or pierced by an arrow hurtling from above, two others stepped into his place. Again and again the great rams swung and crashed, battering the Amethyst Gates.

Magnus’ force stood together on the wall, their weapons glowing in the rain. They heard the roar of voices and the thudding of the rams, and then in a sudden flash of light from above they saw the peril falling upon the gates.

“Come on!” shouted Magnus, and he leaped off the parapets, hurtling toward the ground below. Ravyn leaned over the wall, shouting, “No, Magnus!”

But in a flash of fiery light he landed on Ember’s back, brandishing Arondite. As the phoenix flew upward, Ravyn leapt onto Ember’s back. Theodoric shouted to Magnus over the rain and the din of the battering rams: “Camila, Vermak, and I will stay here and defend the wall!”

Magnus saluted, and Ember dived, spiraling downward towards the Kingdom’s shield wall. The phoenix roared, spewing a great plume of fire from his maw. It blossomed from his mouth and struck against the tall, rectangular shields of the Kingdom, burning and charring the metal. But the shield wall held.

Magnus leapt off Ember’s back and landed in front of the shields forming a metal wall between him and his enemies.

 “We did not come too soon,” said Magnus, looking at the gates. Their great hinges and iron bars were wrenched and bent; the amethyst had cracks along its length.

Magnus turned from the sight and faced the Kingdom. He raised Arondite and shouted, “For Tarthia!” Ravyn landed beside him in a crouch, the fabric of her huntress’ garb flapping. She nocked an arrow and loosed it. The projectile plowed through a metal shield, leaving a blazing hole, and struck one of the soldiers. He toppled off the ramp, screaming as he fell to his death.

“Good one,” Magnus said to her as the Kingdom faltered.

She grinned, then they launched into the dance of battle.

Fire soared and arced through the air as Magnus spun, Arondite feeling like a living extension of his body as the Kingdom lines broke. He threw up his palm, and a wave of fire erupted, sending a line of soldiers crumpling to the ground, little left of them but charred remains.

Ravyn was just as deadly, loosing arrows at rapid-fire speed, the glowing projectiles piercing through armor and shield alike. When an enemy proved too close for archery, she drew her twin, curved elven swords and finished him off with a flourish.

The sky now was quickly clearing and the sinking moon was shining brightly, the hints of dawn on the horizon. But the light brought little hope to the Alliance. The enemy before them seemed to have grown rather than diminished, still more were pressing up from the valley through the breach.

The assault on the gates was redoubled. Against the Wall the hosts of the Kingdom roared like a raging sea. Soldiers swarmed about its towers from end to end. Ropes with grappling hooks were hurled over the parapets faster than Alliance men could cut them or fling them back. Hundreds of long ladders were lifted up. Many plummeted back downward, slashed and ruined, crushing the men that had lifted them up, but many more replaced the fallen ladders, and soldiers clambered up the rough-hewn rungs like monkeys in the jungles of the south. Before the wall's base the dead and broken were piled like an anthill; the hideous mounds rose ever higher, and still the enemy pressed on.

The men of the Alliance grew weary. All their arrows were spent, and every shaft was shot; their swords were notched, and their shields were dented and smashed. Three times Magnus and Ravyn rallied them, and three times human, elf, and phoenix flamed in a desperate charge that drove the enemy from the wall.

Magnus flung out his palm as two soldiers approached him, swords in hand. A bolt of fire struck the first in the chest, and he toppled into his comrade, throwing them both off the ramp. But Magnus knew they were being overrun; their precarious position on the ramp would not be able to last much longer.

At last, in a lull in the fighting, Magnus and Ravyn leaned wearily on their swords. Away on the left the crash and clamor of the battle by the base of the Wall rose loud again. But the Amethyst Gates still held fast, like an island in the sea. They were splintered, and the iron bars holding them shut were badly cracked, but they held—for the time being.

A great roar went up from the sea of Kingdom ranks before the Gates, and up the ramp came another force of men carrying a battering ram, completely encased by shields. For all the world it looked like a giant, metal turtle.

“We can’t drive them all off again,” he (Since it has been a long time since Magnus has done anything, use his name here) said wearily. “It’s already been hours. My energy is nearly spent.” 

Ravyn drew another arrow and sent it spiraling into the force. It skittered against a shield and missed its mark.

Magnus came to a decision. As he clutched Arondite, the glowing blue blade’s length slick with blood, he shouted, magically amplifying his voice: “Fall back! Fall back to the Gates!”

The fighting forces of men that had been lowered down to the battlefield by the Alliance’s dragons tarried in their positions a moment longer, holding off the enemy, then let themselves be caught up by the beasts that had taken them down. As the dragons winged their way to the top of the wall and deposited them in large groups, Ember soared downward from where he had been shooting fire at the Kingdom troops, and Magnus climbed onto his back, with Ravyn close behind him. He had never been this close to her before, and his heart beat slightly faster than normal. Even through the hours of battle, she still retained the scent of strawberries that always seemed to hover around her. 

Ember roared, fire spurting along his tail as he lashed it one last time at the ranks of soldiers behind them, then he took off into the sky. Landing heavily atop the Gates, Magnus and Ravyn surveyed the situation from Ember’s back.

“It goes badly, my friends,” said Theodoric, wiping the sweat and blood from his brow with his arm.

“Badly enough,” said Magnus, “but not yet hopeless, while we have Ember.”

“And you,” Camila added, wiping her dagger on her blood-stained shirt.

“It is said that Phoenix Haven has never fallen to assault,” said Theodoric, “but now I am not so sure. The world changes, and all that once was strong now proves unstable.” He gazed down at the raging hosts below. “How can any fortress withstand such numbers and such hate?”

“With determination and courage,” Magnus said. “That’s what’s got us this far, and it’s what’ll give us victory in the end.”

The crunch of iron crumpling below them signified the worst.

The Amethyst Gates had been breached.

All around, the soldiers of the Alliance on the walls broke rank and scattered. A cry went up from them as they realized what had happened.

Just as Ember took flight, heading for the circular fortress of Phoenix Haven along with the rest of the Alliance forces, Magnus heard a second cry, this one from the west:

“A ship! A ship is coming up the Dusk River!”

Comments

Overall, this is a great excerpt. You use strong verbs, and your sentences are very clear, and I don’t have too much to critique specifically. Since this is a battle scene, you were most likely intending for this scene to be tension-filled and exciting with an overshadowing sense of danger. So I will give you a few tips that will help you achieve this effect.

1. POV

Battle scenes like these are hard to write, because there is so much to show the reader. You must show what Magnus is doing, what the alliance is doing, what the Kingdom is doing, the weather, and all at the same time make sure that the scene is progressing. So what is the secret to writing scenes like these? The secret is this: Don’t show everything. 

All the reader needs to know is what Magnus knows, sees, feels, and thinks. 

Right now, with the way you are trying to show everything, you are giving the reader an overhead and very detached view of the fight. 

However, if you want to make the reader feel like they are in the story and like they are a part of the battle, then put this excerpt in Magnus’s limited POV. With limited POV, the reader will be able to feel like they are Magnus, and feel the danger and impending doom of this battle scene. 

To put it in limited POV, describe only what Magnus can sense and think. Write the story through his eyes. And while that might mean you might have to take out some of the things he can’t see - a clear view of what the Kingdom is doing, for example - not showing everything and not letting the reader know everything - will make the battle scene more intense and exciting. This temporary blindness - the sense of not knowing what is around the corner or what the enemy is doing- is what will raise the suspense and tension in your battle scene. 

2. Motivation-Reaction-Units

One more thing that would improve this entire scene overall is if you added motivation-reaction-units, otherwise known as MRUs. This is a prose technique that you can read more about in this article. But in a nutshell, you simply present a motivation to the POV character, and then you show his reaction. 

Motivations are external events that happen in the chapter. A few examples of Motivations are: 

      1. “A scout ran into the citadel a few minutes ago,” said Vermak to Magnus.          

             “The  Kingdom is coming.” 

       2. The crunch of iron crumpling below them signified the worst.

              The Amethyst Gates had been breached.

Both of these are disasters, or external events that are out of Magnus’s control. After sentences like these, show Magnus’s reaction. Not only would this help us get to know Magnus better, but it is also realistic that he would have some type of significant reaction to this.

Here is a good example of where you wrote an MRU: 

Motivation: ...Magnus climbed onto his back, with Ravyn close behind him. (motivation is Ravyn being close to him)

Reaction: He had never been this close to her before, and his heart beat slightly faster than normal. (his reaction is nervousness, as you showed with his racing heart) 

So great job with that. All you need to do is to continue to write these throughout your excerpt, and the rest of your story. Motivation > Reaction > New Motivation > Reaction > Repeat

After each motivation, show Magnus’s reaction. What does he feel, think, do, say in reaction to each motivation? Once you show that, that is one unit. Then you move onto the next motivation-reaction unit. 

This technique can immensely improve the immersion of your story, as well as keep readers engaged. 

3. Character Interaction

This isn’t really necessary, but another way to make this scene more engaging, would be to add more interesting interactions between all the characters. You seem to have an interesting ragtag group of characters, and it would be great to have more interactions between them. I really enjoyed the interaction between Magnus and Ravyn during the last half of your excerpt. You can even consider adding in a bit of conflict between your allies. Think Gimli, Legolas, and Aragorn at Helm’s Deep in The Two Towers. 

Other than that, fantastic job! Pulling off a battle scene like this is not easy. Follow these two (or three) tips, and your fight scene will transform into something exciting and memorable. You have some great writing talent, and an intriguing story on your hands, so use these tips throughout your story, and you will advance your writing to a whole new level.