KP Critiques – 14

Here today we present to you, fine ladies and gentlemen, our fourteenth installment of KP Critiques!
We thank all of you for the flood of critiques we have received! It’s lovely to witness the rise of courageous writers who are willing to submit their work to be analyzed and critiqued. It’s never easy to  put your work out there for all to see, but by doing so you are benefiting more writers as well as growing as a writer!

Thank you Charis for your submission!

 

҉Chapter 1҉

A kick, a punch, a block. In a few short minutes, the fight was over.

“Very good, Chris! I can see you’re improvement improving. Just try to remember to keep your hands high on your blocks.”

“Yes Sir,” I replied and left martial arts training for the day. I grabbed my gear on my way out and headed for my family’s rooms for lunch.

After reading through the rest of this short scene, the fight seems like a rather random place to start the story.  Unless martial arts is really important for the story, and even then, I would avoid starting your story with a scene that’s just ending.  My suggestion would be to start the story a bit earlier so that we see more of the scene, or to cut it after the fight ends right as the alarm starts.  That way, the story can start off with some good tension and also be connected to the main plot of this first chapter.

Since every building on our island is connected through various hallways and lifts there was no need to go outside; though we had balconies and outdoor pathways if you did wish to go out.

This whole bit that you explain right here is really important for the story, but it would help if the description flowed more cohesively from the rest of the text,  Right now, it feels like you’re just writing it for the sake of the reader, and thus it disconnects the reader from the flow of the story.  If you can find some way to show this instead of describing it, or at least fit the description a bit more cohesively with the rest of the story, that would help. 

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

The loud electronic alarm sounded throughout every room on the island making every person stand still and, in some cases, at attention.

Technically, Chris doesn’t know this, so this is jumping outside of his mind to tell the readers this.  Since this also can disconnect a reader from the story, I would suggest only describing what Chris can see.

Then, as if our eardrums were still intact, an even louder electronic voice spoke over the beeping: “PLEASE RETURN TO YOUR ROOMS IMMEDIATELY. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL. RETURN TO YOUR ROOMS IMMEDIATELY.

“ALL DIRECTORS PLEASE JOIN FOR AN EMERFENCY EMERGENCY MEETING IN ROOM 00473. THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.”

Silence. The hallway was dead silent. Then the noise of a million feet moving quickly toward their rooms.

Hate to be nitpicky, but I doubt that there can be a million feet within hearing distance of Chris. =P

We all knew what the alarm had meant and we were all thinking the same thing: Our island, base, and home were compromised. Our highest security had been infiltrated.

Overall, this is a pretty good start for the chapter.  You want to focus on making sure that the story starts at the right place and that we’re not jumping out of Chris’ head from time to time, but it begins with some good tension and an intriguing setting.  Keep it up!

– Josiah DeGraaf