KP Critiques – 07

We are very happy to present you with the latest installment of KP Critiques! Thank you all so much for having the courage to send them in! We know it’s never easy to have your writing critiqued, let alone shared for the benefit of others. That takes guts! But we also know that receiving critiques from others is one of the THE BEST ways to grow and improve. Constructive criticism is invaluable!

 

Thank you Hosanna for this submission!

 

Remind Me Of Someone

She loved these gatherings. After four years of searching she’d found her place in the city, and what an odd little niche she was comfortable in. Surrounded by a semi-circle of enamored teenagers who remained perfectly silent as she complimented the pianist playing; the teacher paused for a moment to appreciate her surroundings. As the sun set on the west side of the decaying ballroom, the beams illuminated the faces of her students and with the piano music lilting about her ears, it was the perfect place to be. Excellent!

“Well done, Jimmy.” She smiled in encouragement, watching with pleasure as her student successfully completed Fur Elise by Beethoven. “I couldn’t have played it better myself.”

The boy’s cheeks dimpled as he smiled in pleasure at her compliment, his dark eyes sparkling. Tall and intimidating in physique, Jimmy had a sharp tongue but rarely used it around anyone excepting her.

Sharp tongue indicates that he’s not normally nice; so he’s…not nice to his teacher?

She thought he found his voice when playing the piano; with his own unique quirks Jimmy spoke.

Might want to consider placing ‘Jimmy spoke’ at the beginning of the sentence after the semi-colon. Clarifies that Jimmy isn’t actually speaking at this point.

This was his first time accomplishing one of the great’s pieces.

“I think I see your parents’ waiting out there.” She told them quietly, laughing a little as sighs of disappointment arose after her assertion. “Have a lovely evening and I will see you next Friday night!”

Moving with reluctance, the teenagers hugged her goodbye and whispered farewells in the tall woman’s ear. By majority her students were Hispanic or African-American as their families came from the less wealthy Englewood neighborhood; but she hardly noticed the tone of their skin. She herself was biracial and knew with painful sympathy what it felt like to be treated with discrimination merely because of the darker accent of your skin. It was one of the many stupidities of the human race, in her opinion.

She began collecting the music sheets and stored them inside the piano bench for the next class. By choice she taught students from underclass families since their parents could not afford the luxury of professional teaching. She’d seen how easily passion could burn out without tending, and did not want these teenagers to miss a chance to fulfil fulfill their musical aspirations.

“Need help?” Jimmy Jimmy’s voice startled her, and she whirled to face the heavyset young man who stood with his weight balanced on one foot as he awkwardly awaited her response.

“Oh, thank you! Of course I’d appreciate your assistance.” She laughed in an effort to cover her surprise and handed him a bundle of papers that needed to be reorganized by number before being put away. “It’s funny, I don’t think I’ve met your Mum or Dad before, only your siblings who drop in to visit your recitals.”

“Dad works a lot, and my mother left a few years ago.” Jimmy replied stiffly, his gaze steadfastly

Seeing a lot of adverbs; those can weaken your sentences.

tracking the music sheets as he shuffled them around. “It happens in life, you know. The people you thought you could trust don’t follow through. I’m okay though, ‘cause I have good brothers.”

She froze in her busy movements, shock radiating through her calm mindset. Those words… why did they ring with painful familiarity?

 

Wow. This is excellent! There isn’t a whole lot for me to pick on and that’s impressive. You did a tremendous job of expressing Jimmy’s and the teacher’s emotions in a clear and concise stroke of your pen!
There is the matter of adverbs. Now you can take this or leave it, there is a difference in opinion over how many adverbs a writer should use.  They can be quite useful, but if used in an over excessive amount it can weaken your sentences. You can space them out (I’ve heard that you should use one adverb ever 100 words) but like I said there are so many differences of opinions in this matter.

I would be interested in reading the rest of this piece (novel or short story) that last part has me intrigued . I am a piano teacher as well and this tugged at my heart strings. Not to mention the fact that this is superbly written! Well done!

Thank you for sharing this, I hope my advice is helpful.
Blessings,
Haley