Welcome back to another KP Critique!
KP Critiques are where the Stewards of Kingdom Pen critique your work. We give suggestions for what could be improved, as well as point out all the awesomeness and writing lessons in order to help all writers improve. If you would like your writing critiqued, head on over to the submissions page to find out how!
Today, we will be presenting a critique from Ella Fischer's riveting novel Lioness. Receiving constructive criticism is never easy, but it’s necessary to grow as a writer! So thank you so much, Ella, for submitting your work for critique!
Now, on to the critique!
Lioness
By Ella Fischer
Like a lioness of the old stories, my bare feet make no sound. I move swiftly and silently down the aisle between bunks. Soft breathing comes from both sides. In the hazy darkness, I only know who sleeps in each bunk from memory.
Ooh. Nice first couple sentences. With such few words, you have already hooked me, gave me a good picture of where this is taking place, and also demonstrated some beautiful prose. Well done!
Two mattresses down from mine, Shae’s white arm hangs, ghostlike, off the side of her bunk. I duck under it, catching my breath as her fingertips brush the tip of my ears. I freeze, my heart skipping a beat, too.
This last word isn’t necessary, and your sentence feels stronger without it
When she doesn’t move, I creep forward, continuing to the end of the bunks. Here, I pause again. I must tread carefully. If I’m caught…if I’m caught. This plan is foolproof. I won’t be caught.
From my sweatpants pocket, I remove a suppressed airsoft pistol, taken from the Lisnagh. The grip is worn from constant use.
Also from my pocket comes an infrared GPS, its black strap soft on my palm. I slide the wristband over my bicep and arm the airsoft pistol.
Both of these items have cost me more trouble than they’re worth.
Like a lioness, I crouch. The person in the bunk closest to me shifts over to reveal a dark, graceful face. Her low breathing rustles my hair.
Malia Tarash.
We are in opposing circles, she being a Gold-tier athlete and prodigy, and I, a high school dropout and punk kid.
Malia is lethal in hand-to-hand combat; two months ago, there was a story flying around that she had taken down Brill Miranda, a Silver-tier male, for a dare. I didn’t believe it, though most people did.
As this memory resurfaces, I swallow. Stay calm, Emiyn. I have taken precautionary measures to ensure she doesn’t ruin my escape plan.
Keeping my eyes on her, I run my fingers along the panel beneath Malia’s mattress. With a pop, the panel comes loose. I freeze, watching her for any sign of movement. When she doesn’t move, I quietly set the panel aside.
Here, I think the description could be a bit more specific. When you say “the panel beneath Malia’s mattress”, the first thing that came to my mind was some sort of panel on the frame of the bed that holds up the mattress. Did you mean the floor? In that case, you could say, “I run my fingers along the floor panel beneath Malia’s bunk.” Also, how exactly does the panel come loose? Simply by running her fingers across it? Or does she have to do something? Clarifying this would help the audience imagine this a lot better.
I am one of the few who know about this hidden escape route. Like the airsoft pistol and the GPS, it has taken months to find. The grate behind the panel is loose from my last rerun. I peel back the metal screen, careful not to cut myself on the sharp material.
I slip, feet first, into the opening. I shimmy backward on my stomach, my feet hitting a metal beam.
I know you describe the shaft later on, but here - right after she slips into the opening - would be a good time to describe where she is. How much space does she have? How high and wide is the space? Can she stand up? Also, before she starts shimming backward, show her getting onto her stomach. As of now, when you say that she shimmies backward before saying that she is on her stomach, that causes the reader to have to readjust the picture in their head, and then reread the sentence. Getting the correct sequence of events helps the flow of the story and helps the reader a lot.
As I prop the wood panel into place from inside, I catch a glimpse of two bare feet touching lightly to the ground.
I catch my breath, even though Malia can’t hear me through the closed grate. She’ll probably investigate—I need to move quickly. With sweaty fingers, I power on my GPS. On the dark screen, Malia’s silhouette appears, red and pulsing, above me. She is moving down the aisle between bunks like a huntress stalking her prey.
The shaft is two feet wide and three feet tall, which allows for some movement. My slight build is also beneficial in these situations, though there are times when it isn’t; the week I arrived, some older Candidates beat the tar out of me and locked me in a closet. With some repositioning, I begin to move through the tight shaft; it was an old ventilation tunnel, sealed for who knows what. Fifteen feet ahead, it drops away, and from there, a steel beam leads off into the darkness.
From what you write later, it looks like the space widens enough for Emiyn to stand up. Could you maybe add a bit more description here to how wide the space becomes? I’m just a bit confused with where everything is. And I’m also a bit confused as to why this metal beam is connected between two ventilation shafts. Maybe Emiyn could give some info?
Keeping an eye on Malia’s movement, Through the GPS? I reach the end of the tunnel and swing my feet onto the steel beam. I lodge the airsoft pistol into my sweatpants waistband and balance on the beam, forcing myself to take deep breaths. The cold air sends chills up my arms and down my spine. When I look down, I moan; this is my least favorite part, as I am at least fifty feet off the ground. Okay, Emiyn. You can do this.
I’m really enjoying this story so far! The way you write makes it so suspenseful and interesting. I particularly like how close we get to the main character and her thoughts. One thing that popped into my mind while reading this, is what if you added a few hints about why she is trying to escape. I know you explain this later, but adding a few hints to spark the reader’s curiosity and make them try to connect the dots would be really awesome here. For example, a few times as she is sneaking out especially during the times when she needs to give herself a pep talk (like just now), add in some hints like: “Okay, Emiyn. You can do this. This will be my last night here.” or, “Just a little while longer, and I’ll be in the wild on my journey home.” Something like that. 🙂
One cautious foot in front of the other, I creep forward.This place is at the center of Azura division, the female Candidates’ quarters. It controls the temperature of all the rooms in Azura.
I’m still not quite sure what Azura actually is. But I do think this is a good opportunity to elaborate a bit more about the location, what kind of building she is in, and so on. Describe the setting on a more metalevel and orient the reader before moving on with the story. This is a more complex and strange world, so description is more necessary here.
The nights when I go exploring, my shaft is the only one with the air movement blocked; so far, I’ve found no logical explanation.
The frigid steel beam is a little less than a foot in width, more than wide enough to walk across.
I’m halfway across and my light tank-top is soaked with perspiration. The other shaft-opening is in sight when someone speaks behind me.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
With a start, I tilt sideways, struggling to keep my balance. My heart is pumping so fast that I can barely breathe as I lower myself into a crouch, removing the gun from my waistband. Then I turn.
Malia is climbing out of the ventilation shaft and onto the steel beam. Her strange violet eyes are alert and calculating. She shakes her long, dark hair from her face and balances on the beam.
I am a bit curious: where is the light coming from that lets Emiyn be able to see Malia? You could give one (or both) of them a flashlight. If you do, when you add it, you could mention how the flashlight throws shadows across Malia’s face to give her an even more eerie look.
My heart sinks into my gut; even though I planned for this, it makes things a whole lot harder. But since I’ve watched her during training, I know exactly how she thinks.
“I asked you a question,” Malia says coolly.
Okay, I really like how you told the story of Malia earlier in this chapter about her taking down a silver-tier male for a dare. Whether it’s true or not, it's a crucial piece of exposition given at just the right time that makes Malia more formidable and mysterious, and it really pays off here. You are really good at setting up and building suspense. I was hooked the whole time Emiyn was making her way through the vent and across the beam. The way you showed Emiyn’s emotions and reactions really added to the suspense. Really, really great job!
I hide the gun behind my leg, just in case. Standing slowly, I say, “Why are you here? Out for an evening stroll?” I flash a half-smile her way and turn my back to her, walking off into the darkness. Inside, my heart isn’t slowing down. Calm, Emiyn.
“I want you to look at me when I talk to you,” she calls. “What is your name, Candidate?”
I keep walking, but say over my shoulder, “Why does it matter to you? Will we ever cross paths again?” I don’t think about what I’m saying—instead, every step of my plan runs through my head. I can’t shoot at Malia, because a fall from this height would result in death. All I can do is try to lose her.
I feel vibrations in the beam as she follows me. I pick up my pace.
I reach the opposite shaft, which leads onto the circular balcony that wraps around the Azura building. With a glance behind me, I see that Malia is over halfway across the beam.
With a deep breath, I slide into the ventilation shaft and crawl toward
The sentence stops here, and I think you are missing something: “(toward)... the gate. Malia’s footsteps grow louder as I try to open it.”
Just as I unfasten the gate, Malia climbs in behind me.
I can’t help but think about once she has locked onto her prey, she is lethal. But I am the lioness. I am not the prey.
I clamber out of the shaft too loudly for the quiet night, but I don’t have time to reattach the grate.
Okay, here describe where she ends up at when she exits a tunnel. Since this is a chase scene, try to describe it as succinctly as possible while also tying it into Emiyn’s escape.
Adrenaline kicks in as I sprint to the edge of the balcony and climb over the railing. There is no shield barrier—it is the Martial’s belief that suicides are not fit to go to the Nova Terra: they are weak and the weak will not survive either way.
Nice piece of mystery and worldbuilding here!
Shoving the gun into my waistband again, I swing both legs over the railing and perch on the edge of the balcony. Azura is suspended a hundred feet in the air, but I don’t look down, not unless I want to slip in my vomit and fall to my death.
I’m still having trouble picturing what Azura looks like, but if you add in the description a little while back where I mentioned it before, this should be okay.
I will not die today. Malia won’t stop me either. I clutch the rungs of the ladder affixed to one of the three, giant supports of Azura. Just as I begin my descent, Malia reaches the railing. Somewhat awkwardly, I pull out my gun and aim at Malia. But she is already backing away, but not because she is afraid of me. The Gold-tier Candidate is afraid of heights.
Interesting. But if Malia is afraid of heights, how was she able to cross the beam a little while ago?
This and the arrogance she displays in training are the only things keeping my hope alive. As long as she doesn’t call for help, I am safe.
As I fall into a steady rhythm of hand-over-hand, I whisper to myself, Don’t look down. Don’t look down. I don’t fear the long drop like Malia does, but I certainly don’t appreciate it either.
I’m approximately halfway down when the alarms start to blare.
I swear softly, my sweaty grip slipping.
My last hope is gone; Malia is willing to ask for help to keep me from escaping.
Out of panic, I let myself look down. With a gasp, I realize that I’m less than twenty feet off the ground.
Almost there.
The blood is pounding in my ears so loud, I almost don’t notice the faint buzzing sound from below me. I feel the hair on my arms prickle. Before I can catch it, my gun slips out of my waistband and onto the ground.
I look down and my heart sinks. A vibrant ring of electricity flickers around the base of the tower.
One detail. One unknown detail lost me the chance to escape. It was the opportunity of a lifetime.
Now I’m trapped.
Fifteen minutes later, I’m sitting in a hard, plastic chair in a bright, white room. The guards left me here a minute ago, with my hands bound by a chain that glows with contained, static energy. It can probably be used to shock me—only if the Martial is in a bad mood, that is.
I curse myself. I could’ve made it out of the complex, where I would’ve survived in the wild as I journeyed back home. To my sister, who’s life was cheated from her. She must be protected. And I also would’ve returned to the man who killed my father and brother. He had a worse fate in store for him.
I close my eyes—the only sound in the room is a ticking clock. It must be at least two hundred years old, back when the sky was blue and the oceans were calm.
Again, another great hint at some worldbuilding!
The Martial paid a fortune for it, but at the moment, I would give anything to smash to pieces to bring silence to think.
I slump in my chair, fists clenched.
I wish I had jumped off Azura when I had the chance. I could call myself and idiot and my plan, stupid, but the fact was that it had almost succeeded.
Curse Malia. Curse the Martial. Curse the Choosing. They don’t understand.
With that last thought, the door opened behind me and someone entered the room.
I sigh. Here it comes. The accusation, the rebuke. The disappointment.
If only he knew the truth.
“Emiyn.” The voice is deep and gruff.
I open my eyes. “Martial?”
The man in front of me exhales slowly. He stands with his arms folded, his head bowed. He
his dark eyes and skin favor his Hispanic mother, but his Asian father’s features are almost imperceptible.
I should know his ancestry—after all, he is my uncle.
Interesting.
He lifts his head and looks me over with calculating eyes the same amber color as mine. But his are laced with pain and the trials of life.
“I don’t understand you, Emiyn,” he says. “I gave you the opportunity of a lifetime and what did you do with it? I gave you a chance to survive in this cruel world, to become part of the next generation. Do you have an explanation? A reason? Or was this some foolish impulse?”
I survey him coolly, but inside I flame with anger. “Is there anything to explain? What’s done is done, isn’t it?”
The Martial sighs in exasperation. “Why do you do this, Emiyn? You only make it harder for yourself. Give me an honest answer and I will consider letting you keep some of your freedom.”
I raise an eyebrow. He’s right, I do make it harder than it needs to be. Answering a question with a question directs the attention to the questioner. Some call this insecurity, but I call it tactical.
True, it makes people angry, but I can deal with that; the less they know about me, the less they can hurt me. And the less they can hurt me, the safer are my secrets.
You are doing an amazing job of showing Emiyn’s character. How calculating, tactical, yet fearful she is. Not only that, but you also show how she views the world, how she thinks, and why she comes to certain decisions. This really helps me get a good grasp on who she is.
But as I stare into the Martial’s black eyes, I see the golden opportunity to make him feel my pain.
“Do you remember my sister?” I ask, my voice hoarse. “Her name was Aven.”
The Martial raises his eyebrows in surprise. “Your stepsister? Yes, of course, I remember.”
My eyes narrow slightly. “Do you remember the day you went to my home to take me here? How I told you both of us would go, or none of us?”
The Martial swallows, almost indiscernible.
“And do you remember,” I continue, “how you didn’t listen, how you dragged me away from her so I could ‘become the Vision’? And do you remember why you wouldn’t let her come?” My voice, which hasn’t changed it’s tone since I started speaking, breaks. “She had asthma.”
The Martial bows his head. “Emiyn, you have to understand—”
“No! You have to understand me. I didn’t want to leave her. I promised.” Angry tears slide down my cheeks, but I don’t care. I hate him and all he’s done to me. I want him to regret it.
“I’m sorry,” the Martial says. “Your father wanted you to be safe.”
“Aven was his daughter, too.” My voice is low and deadly. “And besides, my father is dead. So is my brother. Aven has no one left to protect her except me. Don’t you see why I need to leave?”
The Martial rubbed his face in his hands. “I’m sorry, Emiyn, it’s impossible for her to come here. Only the strongest, bravest, and smartest—only the best—can come here. Aven, sadly, is not fit to go to the Nova Terra. But we need you here. Remember, Em, this is all for the greater good.”
This is a really great piece of backstory and exposition. Using conflict is a memorable and great way to reveal information to the reader. Just be careful that it doesn’t come across as too forced. Has Emiyn really not talked with the Martial about this before? If so, maybe mention why she hasn’t, and how it has been hard on her holding it all in over the years.
I’m speechless. I try to make him see, but he is blinded by his own lies. Lies about ‘the Vision’, the dream to make the world a better place by traveling to the new world. Even finding good in the hearts of men. If he wanted to choose a good, honest and wise Candidate, he chose wrong by taking me.
There is a long silence. The Martial looks at me and folds his arms again. “I thought I could trust you, Emiyn,” he says. “But you proved yourself to be dishonorable and foolish.”
I don’t hang my head. He sees the truth. Will he let me go?
“From now on,” the Martial continues, “you will be escorted to all your classes and supervised at all times.”
“No!” I cry, fists clenching in my lap. “Please, just let me go home! Why are you so determined to keep me here?”
The Martial shakes his head slightly. “You are a better person than you think.” He moves to leave the room.
“No, please come back! Don’t do this! You don’t understand.” A dry sob escapes and I’m trying to move, but I can’t. I’m unarmed, immobile, helpless. “Uncle Nathan. Please.”
The Martial pauses when he hears his name, but he only hangs his head. “I’m sorry.” The door opens, closes, then he is gone.
I slump in my chair, but no tears come. I feel no anger, no hate, no anything. Just helpless emptiness.
My lioness is gone.
---
Final Comments:
ELLA, this is amazing! You have me hooked! Again, I just love how you showed Emiyn’s character, and I am completely captivated by her struggles and desire to go home and protect her sister. I’m really curious to see what more there is to her character and how she grows throughout the story.
I’m also fascinated by the world. I haven’t gotten to see much of it yet, but I can tell there is a lot beneath the surface, and I’m really curious to learn more.
My only main critique has to do with description (I know, it’s hard!).
When writing, try to put yourself in your reader’s shoes. What do they need to know and be able to picture in their minds before the scene plays out?
When you write descriptions, ask yourself:
1. How much space is there?
2. Where is the light coming from?
3. How does this affect the way the characters move?
4. In what ways can the character interact with the setting to give the reader a better sense of place?
5. When would be the best time to describe this? Preferably, you describe it before the character interacts too much with the location.
In this story, I'm a bit confused about the layout of the setting. What is the purpose of the shaft in the building? Why did it have a really long drop off and a beam? What is the the layout of the building that makes the shaft lead to the balcony? And, this may just be because I'm not exactly sure what this building is, but why were there no other guards around? These are some other things to think about and also explain if you can.
And if there is any description you are unsure about, ask some friends, family, and KeePers to read your story. If they have any questions about the setting, make sure to write them out and answer them through your descriptions.
Other than that, I just love how active of a character Emiyn is. A good beginning to a story clearly shows the reader the potential of the protagonist - why this person deserves to be the center of this story, and how she still needs time to grow. And you did a fantastic job of this.
One more note, I really like how you used the theme of a lioness throughout this chapter. Not only does this give me a great sense of who Emiyn is (again, you did such an awesome job with her character), but also the way you mentioned it beginning, middle, and end, made the chapter feel really complete, satisfying, and clever. Almost like a short story, which is a great way to begin a novel.
Oh! And if I may add one more thing, I would say that I love your character interactions. The rivalry between Malia and Emiyn. The high tension between the Martial and Emiyn. Each character Emiyn interacted with was interesting and gripping. Again, so good!
But yeah, I guess I’ll wrap up this critique with saying once again: fantastic job, and keep up the amazing work!
~ Erin
Ella Fischer
Ella Fischer has been writing for as long as she can remember. She dabbles in fantasy, thriller/suspense, and poetry. Her favorite things to do are hanging out with friends, playing basketball, snuggling with her cat, and staying up late to listen to her sister’s story critiques. You can find her singing and dancing in the kitchen, probably finding a way to ruin boxed brownies.
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Thank you Erin for critiquing and publishing this! It has been sooo helpful. I definitely struggle with putting myself in my readers’ shoes. Hearing the critique and encouragement has inspired me so much, thank you again!!!
Wow! I really loved this first chapter Ella! If I read this in a bookstore I’d totally buy it! I was hooked from the beginning.
Aw, Kathleen that made my day!!! 😃❤ I’m so glad you enjoyed that!!!!!
This was amazing, Ella! My only problem now is that I want to know what happens! (I also have two sisters with asthma, so I can totally relate to Emiyn!)
Love how you handled the suspense; I was on the edge of my seat all the way through. Great job, and thanks so much for sharing your work!
Haha!! XD
Aw, sorry Lily’s sisters! Actually, I have asthma, so I’d be in the same boat as Aven… 😉
Thanks so much for the compliments, they make me so happy!!! 😃❤