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Some of you may recognize a few of the characters in this critique from the Hotel/Wedding RP (though not in this first chapter). My brother ( @orangearmadillo ) and I basically sat down one friday and planned the rough draft of, well, an entire trilogy. The books have not been named yet, but we do know the continent they are on will be called the Zutora Spiral.
I’m not sure yet how often these chapters will be coming yet, as we have a small amount of planning to do and editing may take some time with two people writing, but when we do post any critiques would be very much appreciated. Most times my bro should post his own chapters, but if I ever do, I’ll let y’all know if it’s his.
These chapters are a lot shorter than I usually write, and will take some getting used to, but I’d say the goal would be to get the chapters to at least a thousand words, minimum. That will take some editing on a few parts we have, but I think it will be worth it to keep the amount of detail of a longer chapter. Since KP doesn’t transfer italics, I’ll do my best to go through and edit that in.
That being said, here is the character Azura’s introduction, probably the first section of the book, though we haven’t decided on the order of the intros quite yet. When images start working again, I’ll post a rough map of the continent.
Chapter 1, Azura
Siloni Forest could very rarely feel peaceful. It was filled with the incessant chirping of birds and the buzzing of a great amount of insects. Not to mention the croaking of Anurans calling for their young, beckoning them back for a dinner of those buzzing nuisances. But right now, among the trees, two Anurans -frog-like creatures- sat perfectly silent, balanced carefully on a swaying branch.
Azura gripped a bright green Anuran’s shoulder in front of her with one webbed hand, her back up against the tree. Her toes gripped the tree easily as she peaked around, watching her brother, who searched for her from below. Lenani giggled, and she clapped a hand over the younger Anuran girl’s mouth.
“Shh! Aeryn will hear you.”
Aeryn stalked slowly across the forest floor, his gaze sweeping across the trees. His eyes looked right past them. Lenani gasped and Azura tried to quiet her again, but Aeryn had seen them already. With a few great leaps, he jumped up to where they stood. His smooth brown skin- with darker brown patterns on his legs and the back of his head- shone under the afternoon sun. His green eyes, rimmed with yellow, seemed to laugh at them.
“Another tree, girls? I would try a different spot if I were you.”
Lenani lifted her chin, red eyes flashing. “Well, I am not you, and I like to climb. There’s no climbing on the ground.”
Aeryn chuckled. “I guess you’re right about that.” His eyes wandered towards the direction they’d come from, where a small cabin lay a mile to the north, their home. “Azura, I think we’d better go. Mother will be making supper by now.”
“Alright.” Azura turned to Lenani. “You can make it down, right?”
The smaller Anuran nodded gleefully, always proud of her jumping. “Of course! It’s only a few jumps.”
She turned, crouched, and leapt down, landing on branches that swayed even under her slight weight. She made it to the ground after using four branches to break up her fall. Aeryn crossed his arms as she looked up at them.
“I can do better,” he whispered, with a wink to Azura. Crossing his arms behind his head, he fell backwards off the branch. After a quick flip, he landed on another branch half-way down, bounced up, and stuck a perfect landing on the grass below, a few feet away from Lenani. The young Anuran clapped with a laugh.
“That was amazing!” she exclaimed. She cupped her three-toed hands around her mouth and yelled up to Azura. “Hey! Your turn!”
Azura grinned, weighing the distance to the ground in her mind. It wasn’t that far. If Aeryn could make half-way, surely double that wouldn’t be too hard for her. Easy, she thought, nodding to herself. I’ll just skip the flipping and go for distance. Lenani will like it either way.
Tensing her muscles, she sprang up from the branch, and felt the wind against her skin, trying to whip her off balance. Suddenly her head was where her feet should be. Spreading her arms and legs, she managed to right herself again, and sucked in a sharp breath when she saw the ground a few feet away. She stuck out a leg to break the fall, and-
Snap!
Azura cried out as her leg folded back underneath her. After a moment of shocked silence, Aeryn and Lenani hurried to her side. Her twin brother bent over her and grimaced as Lenani held back, clasping her hands over her mouth. “Is it bad?”
She blinked back tears and spoke between gasps. “What… do you think? Of course it’s… bad.”
“The bone must be fractured,” Aeryn said smoothly. He was always that way, like a river stone under rushing water- immovable, not in the least affected by the chaos surrounding him. “Maybe even broken.” He got down on his knees as the first tear tracked down her cheek. “Climb on. We’ll get you home, and maybe get you a splint. Mother probably has something to dull the pain, too.”
Reluctantly, Azura reached up and wrapped her hands around Aeryn’s neck and rested her elbows on his shoulders. He stood, handling her leg carefully, but it still burned like fire. Lenani followed after them as he began to walk. “Should I come with you? Or do you want me to go home?”
Aeryn gave a slight shrug. “Come if you want. Though your family might want you home now.”
Lenani sighed, glancing back. “You’re probably right.” She gave Azura a sweet smile. “I’ll come by tomorrow to check on you. I hope you feel better soon!”
“You and me both,” Azura muttered, hissing with pain as Aeryn hoisted her higher on his back. Lenani took off at a run and jumped, pushing off a tree and disappearing into the branches high above. Azura rested her head on her elbow, the throbbing in her leg starting to give her a headache. “We can fix it, right?”
Aeryn tried to look back at her but gave up. “Sure we can.” Quietly, he added. “Well, I hope so. I’ve never really seen a leg snap like that before. It could be serious.”
“It feels serious,” Azura admitted.
Aeryn walked on in silence, and Azura did her best to keep the broken leg still. It kept bouncing around awkwardly, and it stung horribly.
Eventually, after what seemed like hours- but was probably less than ten minutes- they reached the outskirts of the village. Houses made of thin wooden boards lined a small rill, and Azura spotted a small boy with lanky arms drawing water from the small stream. He winked at Aeryn and gave Azura an odd look before hurrying inside, splashing water over the sides of his bucket.
“I hate this,” Azura grumbled.
Aeryn almost laughed. “You jumped.”
“It would have been impressive if I had made it.”
“Maybe,” he agreed. “But you didn’t.” He continued on before she could retaliate. “I’m surprised you haven’t blacked out already. I read somewhere that usually happens with something as big as a leg bone.” He nodded. “Just down this path a little farther. Then we’ll know just how bad it is.”
They neared their home, a small cabin of light wood, set on poles sticking a few feet out of the ground. In the flood season, rain would come and rise up, usually a few feet. Aeryn stopped in front of it, gauging the jump. Usually it would have been nothing, but Azura knew he didn’t think he could make it with her weighing him down.
“Wait here,” he said, kneeling down and letting her slide off. He jumped up into the doorway and walked inside.
Azura leaned her head back against the tree, grimacing. She put a hand gently on her leg and quickly pulled it away, feeling blood. She swallowed, growing dizzy as her stomach boiled with nausea. Maybe she would pass out. “Hurry up, Aeryn!”
@hybridlore @smiley @godlyfantasy12 @freedomwriter76 @thearcaneaxiom @euodia-vision @keilah-h @gwyndalf-the-wise @crocheter12 @esther-c @whalekeeper @mineralizedwritings @acancello @janellebelovedpig @felicity @starshiness @wow-i’m-drawing-a-blank-so-that’s-all XDYou can make anything by writing - C. S. Lewis
Wow, you planned it all in ONE DAY??! 😅😅 It looks awesome!! Didn’t see anything to critique yet 🙂 but I’ll keep an eye open!! I’m excited to see what happens next!! 😁
There is always light behind the clouds.
- Little Women, Louisa May AlcottXDXD
Like I said, it’s sort of a rough draft, but yeah my bro mentioned being interested in writing, so we just immediately began planning a book… Which turned into a trilogy XD. We’re working on a bunch of intros right now, because there are… *counts on fingers*… eight fairly even POVs in the first book, seven in the second book, and a I think nine in the third book- which is definitely more than I’ve ever done. We split them evenly between each other but that may change as time goes on.
Alright!! I’m so glad you liked it!! 😁
I think either Klayden or Zeniya’s intro will be next, depending on editing, so that should be cool. 😉
You can make anything by writing - C. S. Lewis
YEss!! Lol
There is always light behind the clouds.
- Little Women, Louisa May Alcott@hybridlore @whoever-else
Alright, I finished a couple chapters! I may have Freya’s done by tonight, too, but I’m not really sure yet.
Here’s Zeniya’s:
The sun beat down mercilessly on the Wileny Plains, pulling water out of the ground and the air and drawing sweat to the surface of Zeniya’s fur. She panted, tongue lolling out of her mouth. A warm body rested on her back, a tiny black-furred Vulpes even smaller than she was.
Carefully, she lowered herself to the ground, bracing all four paws. Then, gently, she lifted her brother and set him on the ground. He blinked up at her with yellow eyes, shining orbs in a sea of soft black fur.
“Drink,” he said, rolling over to bat at her tail with clumsy paws, still a little too large for his small body.
She sighed, pointed ears drooping. “I know. I’m sorry, Jax, but we don’t have anything.”
The little fox squinted at her, his tail flicking. “Drink,” he whined. “Neck dry.”
“Throat,” Zeniya corrected, her heart sinking a little farther. “And I know you need it. I’m doing my best.”
Jax rested his chin on his paws with a soft whimper. “‘Kay, Niya.” She winced as he curled up on a patch of grass, ribs showing through his fur, and flicked his tail over his nose. He closed his eyes, running his sandpaper tongue over his teeth. “Nap.”
“Night-night, Jax,” Zeniya said, as lightly as she could. He was too innocent to be living like this. She set her jaw. She would make sure he found a good life if it killed her.
Yellowed grass seemed to stretch out for miles around them. Jax’s breaths grew more even, and she made a nest of grass around him. His chest rumbled with contentment. At least now he was comfortable.
All she wanted to do was to lay down beside him and at least rest her eyes. But she needed to find some kind of food, or even the smallest trickle of water. It wasn’t just Jax who had grown thin; the lack of food had taken its toll on her as well.
Her eyelids drooped, and she blinked rapidly to keep them open. The sun bared down, its rays sapping her energy. They needed rain, if only a small cloud, to come and bring water, and draw burrowing prey out of hiding. Her stomach growled fiercely, and her brother’s stomach echoed the noise. She would slip away, just for a few minutes, and find something to eat. He would be fine for a little while.
Making sure the grass stood tall enough to hide Jax, she set off, sniffing the air. The only real scent she could find was that of dry, cracked earth. She nosed through the high patches of grass. Once a beetle buzzed angrily, flying up out of the tall blades. She ate it in one snap of her jaws, swallowing quickly, but still a bitter taste flooded her mouth. She resisted the urge to gag and went on, intent on finding something better for Jax.
The only small advantage to being in the Wileny Plains was that here, the Vulpes were more spread out. She and Jax had only encountered a few so far, and they’d been fairly friendly. If they were in the Rambler’s Desert, where the other Vulpes lived, there would be more competition for food. Then again, even in the desert there was more food than in the plains.
Zeniya knew she could never make the journey to the desert, even without Jax tagging along. If she did, she would be an outsider, and would most likely be as hungry as she was now. The long swim in between the spiraling land would be impossible; she would have to take a looping journey around the continent, filled with dangers of the war between the other races. And she knew with Jax’s life on the line, none of that was worth the risk.
Finally, mercifully, she caught a mouse scurrying towards a hole in the ground. Her claws caught it by the tail before it could disappear, and, resisting the urge to eat it herself, she carried it back to Jax. She nudged his ear with a paw, and he swatted at her, mumbling in his sleep.
“Jax! Jax, I brought you something.”
He blinked his eyes open and jumped up, eyes shining. “Rat!”“Mouse, but yes-”
Jax sank his teeth into the mouse and lay down, his tail flicking happily and his ears perking up. Zeniya looked away as he ate, trying in vain to stop her stomach from growling. Birds with long necks and wickedly sharp beaks circled high above them, as if taunting them. They were scavengers, waiting for she and Jax to die so they could eat.Looking closer, she noticed that even the ugly birds looked thinner than usual. They were probably desperate enough to come after them, maybe even awake. She felt guilty for ever leaving Jax alone under their withering gazes.
Finally, oblivious to the birds, Jax looked up from the mouse and cocked his tiny head at her.
“Niya want mouse?”
She frowned, watching the sky warily. “You keep it. You need to eat.”
“Jax did eat.” He pushed the remaining half of the mouse towards her.
She shook her head. “Go on, just take it. I’m not hungry.”
He wrinkled his nose at her. “Jax not hungry. Niya eat mouse.”
Realizing she wasn’t going to win the argument, Zeniya took the mouse and finished it off. Jax watched her until she was done, then nodded, apparently satisfied. He jumped back into his little nest of grass and pawed at it, flattening out the grass in the center. “Niya, here.”
She stepped in, curling around him, and rested a paw over his small form. He smiled and buried his tiny face in her tail. Just a short rest, she thought, glancing up at the sky. And only when they’re gone. Then on to Phoenrey.
The birds continued to spin lazy circles around the two Vulpes. Zeniya fought back a few yawns until she was unable to resist the urge of sleep. She closed her eyes, forgetting the danger, and dreamed of a desert rolling with dunes. Small lizards sunned themselves on flat rocks sticking up out of the sand. It was hotter there, and her black fur soaked up the sun like a sponge soaks up water.
The birds circled even in her dreams, always watching her and Jax.
Waiting for them to die.
And Norok:
Norok dove into the cold dark waters surrounding the Wysp Islands. His thick tail beat the water behind him as he plunged far into the depths of the sea, his dark gray-green scales keeping out most of the cold. Transparent eyelids and keen vision allowed him to see in the near pitch-blackness.
He gripped the circlet in his claws, holding it close to his chest. If he could just melt it down, it would be unrecognizable. He could sell it at the market. Then, he could walk around like a noble for a little while, until he was recognized. After that, it would be back to his caves, exiled yet again despite his well thought out disguise. It was an exciting cycle, but by now, he was bored of it. The nobles were, too.
He glanced down at the thin silver crown and growled to himself. They deserved their boredom. It was a small price to pay for blaming him for their own crimes. If they didn’t want to deal with a scrappy thief, they shouldn’t have made him become one. It was that simple. But maybe they looked past the simple.
Maybe he should, too.
He shook his head sharply and let out a choked laugh, forgetting he was underwater. Quickly, he speared through the water and a moment later jumped up into open air, the zenith of his jump bringing his tail a few feet above the water, and his head closer to the ceiling than he would have liked. Then he collapsed onto cold hard stone, coughing up water, the dark liquid that seemed to be trying to set his lungs on fire. Breathe, he told himself. Breathing is simple.
He lay there on the ground for a while, breathing slowly, then smirked at the irony of it all. Note to self- don’t look past the simple.
“A Garul who dies of drowning,” came a voice from the shadows. “Now that is different.” Norok jumped up and frowned when he saw who it was. The female Garul grinned at him. “You were always sort of different, Norok.”
“Sort of,” he echoed, starting down the rugged halls of the cave.
The other Garul followed after him. “Norok, don’t be like that. We’re friends! Start acting like it.”
“I didn’t ask for us to be friends, Xari,” he replied firmly. Their voices bounced back off the cave walls and resounded throughout the hall. “Now mind your own business and leave me alone.”
Xari’s smile hardly wavered at all. “Oh, you don’t mean that. What business? Thieving business? Do you need help? It has been so boring around here since those squid-snout nobles exiled you. Do you live in an underwater shipwreck? Oh, right, you would drown… Do you live under a bridge? You have a very troll-like personality.”
“You read too many books,” Norok grumbled.
Xari raised an eyebrow. “Well, where do you live, then?”
“I travel with the circus,” he said dryly. “You know, with the six-toed Anurans and the flying Diceros.”
“Oh, my bad,” Xari replied evenly. Then she smiled. “I should have known you were a clown.”
Norok’s tail lashed behind him as he stomped down the tunnel. Getting the crown melted should be easy- if he didn’t have Xari dragging along behind him. He preferred to avoid her when he could, but of course she had been waiting at the cave entrance. She was always good at that sort of thing- knowing when Garul came and went. She’d gotten herself involved in too many situations that way.
Suddenly voices echoed down the hall, and they weren’t from Xari. Norok glanced down at the gleaming object in his hands and thrust it at the female Garul. “You want to help? Take that and hide it as best you can.” She blinked at him, her claws slowly, almost reverently taking the circlet from his hands. “NOW!” Norok roared, and she practically flew down the tunnel to their left, crown in hand.
Good. Now it’s her problem.
Norok bolted back the way they had come, hearing claws tapping quickly on stone a ways behind him, and dove into the dark pool, hardly taking the time to suck in a breath before he was knifing through the waters. His heartbeat hammered, but he could see no sign of chase. He almost grinned to himself as he swam to the other side of the rocky island, rising to the surface to take a deep breath of air. Just another day in the Wysps.
He made his way to the caves, as quickly and quietly as he could. The smallest of noises echoed off of the water here, a dangerous advantage. The smallest splash could give away his position, but he could also hear almost any voice within a mile’s range. That was how he kept up with all of the news from within the underwater city.
Staying underneath the surface as often as possible to avoid being heard, he finally made it to the small network of caves he called home. No one inhabited it other than him and a small family of otters, who had built a small pile of sticks at the very edge. They were the only ones besides him who were able to bear the horrible smell of the caves, which seemed to come from the seaweed-like plants draping over the entrance. Still, he kept them there, as they did a good job of hiding his position.
By now the guards were probably losing Xari’s trail. That, or they’d caught her. It would be no great loss- she’d insisted on getting in his way for years- but still he felt a pang of guilt. Growling to himself, he shoved it down as he slipped through the curtain of dripping plants guarding the cave. All he should be worried about was retrieving that crown. Hopefully, Xari hadn’t lost it, careless as she was.
A scruffy face peaked out of the small house of sticks, letting out a trill. Three other otters poked their heads out of the mound and made their way slowly towards Norok. He sat down in the corner and let them nuzzle in beside him. After he’d lived a couple months in the caves, they’d apparently decided he was going to eat him, and had grown to follow him around. Sort of like Xari, though he much preferred their company to hers. All together, there was the mother otter, three children, and one old otter with matted fur that tended to show up whenever Norok brought back a meal of fish.
Just as he was beginning to relax, a few Garul stomped through the hanging seaweed into the cave, wielding wickedly sharp spears. The otters ran and dove into the water, sending out ripples where they disappeared. One of the guards pointed his spear directly at Norok’s heart. “So this is where you’ve been hiding, thief.”
Oh, no.
You can make anything by writing - C. S. Lewis
@kyronthearcanin I love this!! I want to see pictures of these creatures…..
Also, what sort of creature is Norok? I read he had scales and a tail, so lizard-like maybe?
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
Thanks!! 🙂
I’m working on some drawings for them, so I’ll post what I have when pictures work again. 😉
Norok is like a crocodile, but they walk on two legs. I need to explain it better but just hadn’t gotten to it XD
You can make anything by writing - C. S. Lewis
AHHHHH JAX!!!!!!!!!!
He’s SO CUTE!!! Girl, this is awesome!!!! He and Zeniya are my favorites already 😂
There is always light behind the clouds.
- Little Women, Louisa May Alcott@kyronthearcanin Cool!! I doubt you’ve heard of this, but there was an old show called Legends of Chima based off a line of Lego sets by the same name. I never watched it, but I like Legos and was given a couple of the figures as a prize for completing an assignment in a co-op once. Your animal-people reminded me of it.
Basically, the story was that a bunch of ordinary animals came across a mountain which had a magic spring in the top, and when they drank the water, it gave them sentience and the ability to stand up on two legs. There were a bunch of tribes, but the lions, crocodiles, eagles, ravens, wolves, and later phoenixes (the only mythical tribe, although there were extinct animals) were the main ones. They fought over the power crystals that accumulated in the bottom of the spring.
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
Thanks!!! 🙂❤️
I know I love Jax SO MUCH! Yes, I can’t wait to get to their next chapter!!
Actually… I’ve watched that lol. Like, a million times, but I can’t remember most of it. Wasn’t like the MAIN main character a lion with a mane? Yeah, I remember that. There was an episode in Ninjago where they got portaled there, too during the season of episodes on ghosts. Oooh, now I want to watch that just for nostalgia XD
You can make anything by writing - C. S. Lewis
AH girl I love this! I can’t believe you and your bro came up with all of this in one day! You guys are very creative. I agree with Keilah that I need pictures!!!! I think Jax is my fav so far but I like Norok too. Great job!!!
I rolled the log over and underneath was a tiny little stick and I was like, "That log had a child
@kyrontharcanin Ha, you’ve watched that? Wow, I didn’t think it was very popular, but here’s another person who knows what it is! And yes, the main character was the lion prince, I think.
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
@kyronthearcanin Your tag didn’t work sorry
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
XD I don’t think it’s very popular either but we were very much into legos at the time lol
You can make anything by writing - C. S. Lewis
Thanks so much! I think @orangearmadillo should be posting a chapter sometime once he gets it edited. And yes, Jax and Norok are some of my favorites too! Although I love Freya and I’ll have her chapter on sometime today.😉
You can make anything by writing - C. S. Lewis
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