- This topic has 22 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 10 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Hey guys… you know you’re really, really helpful about this critiquing thing. I have a short little excerpt I would like feedback on… I’ll try to avoid dumping another one so wretchedly long as the last on you. 😛
Any thoughts at all are appreciated— the MC of this scene (Denholm again 🙂 ) and his companion (Lord Gair) are sneaking through the enemy camp to get to the other side, and I think that’s pretty much all you need to know to understand the scene.
They had almost passed and faded into the darkness again when one of the soldiers straightened suddenly and hailed them in a clear, merry voice. “Comrades! What news from the outskirts?”
With one accord Denholm and his companion turned, and Denholm forced himself to laugh. “What news?” he called back. “The same as ever! Why? Were you expecting anything less or more?”
“Nay,” the soldier replied. “But monotony becomes monotonous. Has any word come of the arrival of My Lord Egann?”
“I would be the last to know,” Denholm, answered, and made as if to turn away. But he was not to be let off so easily.
“Hold now,” the soldier said, and rose slowly to his feet, his mouth still tilted in his merry, good humored smile. “You two are not of our division, are you? From whose division do you hail?”
“The best general’s in the entire army,” Denholm replied, forcing himself to speak lightly.
“Setting aside, of course, Lord Egann himself. Good night.”
“Stay!” the soldier called, and Denholm forced himself to turn back with a smile on his lips.
“You shall not go from our fire without drinking with us the cup of friendship,” the soldier said. He stooped over the flames, and pulling a tall kettle from the coals with a long pair of tongs, set it down on a flat stone nearby.
Denholm exchanged swift glances with Lord Gair, then stepped forward into the full light of the fire and drew near. He watched with bright, keen eyes as the soldier poured a stream of some hissing, steaming red liquid into a large wooden goblet from the tall kettle. He brushed a few drops of the liquid off the rim of the cup, then straightened with a smile and held it out to Denholm. Denholm reached out his hand and took it. Their fingers met, and Denholm was afraid that the trembling of his hands would betray him, but the soldier’s smile did not slip. “Drink to our friendship,” he said. “And good fortune speed you on your way.”
Denholm smiled, but his eyes gleamed curiously as he lowered his head and set his lips to the rim of the cup. The liquid scalded and scorched its way down his throat, and clung to his lips in heavy droplets as he took the cup away, but the taste was of cinnamon and cider and something he could not name. He swallowed with difficulty and returned the cup to the soldier. “To all friendships,” he said. “And good fortune to all whose cause is just. May confusion come upon their enemies.”Thanks so much in advance. 🙂
I really like this, Kate! Really cements the like of Denholm I already had. 😉
One line that stood out to me and I’ll comment on now before a more in-depth read over. “Monotony becomes monotonous.” It’s funny and made me smirk while reading over it, but I think maybe with some rewording or additions it could be funnier if you want it to be.
It just seems like a line I’d reword if I was going through. More on the rounds like I like it and I want it to stand out more as a favorite than anything else. But maybe that’s just me and my humor writer tendencies. 😛
And, I’m not sure what happens next, but this seems to have ominous-ness bubbling under the surface. Was the cup poisoned or something? Denholm doesn’t seem like a nervous type, but something really seems to have unsettled him here.
More…. o_OThanks so much, @writefury! Denholm and Cobalt should be friends. 😉 😛
I’ll definitely work over that line and see if I can enhance it a little… it’s funny, because I didn’t really see that line as anything all that special or out of the ordinary, but now that you mention it I can see it has potential. 😀Yes, one thing I forgot to mention is that there’s a ticking clock… they killed a sentry to get in, and the more time they waste ‘playing around’ the more the likelihood the sentry will be found and the alarm given increases. Denholm really isn’t that much of a nervous guy, but basically the entire world as he knows it is hanging on this mission, and if it fails he stands to lose everything. So needless to say he was slightly depressed by the weight of the responsibility! 😛
schkabow! I like this. There is so very little to comment on, but because pickiness is the mother of perfection…
straightened suddenly
This really sounds fine, but as you know, it is best to avoid suddenly when you can. Instead of saying “straightened suddenly”, how about saying “bolted upright” or something.
“The best general’s in the entire army,” Denholm replied
A good ambiguous answer, but here’s the only problem. If he claims so much excellency for his division, then the other soldier will feel forced to defend his division. The soldier who hailed them will have to say, “Now wait here Mr, this division’s got a mighty cunning leader too.”
Finally, why doesn’t the soldier give a cup to Lord Gair too?
Hurry up! Finish this story!
🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢
‘Pickiness is the mother of perfection…’ I like that. That should be my motto. 😛
Thanks Daeus— all very good points. I should probably do everything you suggested…
The thing with Gair, though, is he can be really nasty. Not the sort of person who just invites friendship. Besides that, he looks sinister even if he’s on your side, and there’s something about him that scares people even if they don’t know him. He also has a way of fading into the back of a scene and escaping attention so he can listen unobserved, and people generally leave him alone.
But I don’t know how the soldier would know all that… ‘specially in the dark… so you’re probably right. 😀And I’m trying to hurry up! I’ve got at least five people on my back, so I’m bound to finish it at least before the beginning of 2017… maybe… 😛 😉
2017! I’m hoping to have three books published by then.
Is it a time thing, or a concentration thing? Cause there are ways to break the concentration problem if your committed.
*Sloggels in the dust* I can’t wait that long…
🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢
Sloggels! I’m adding that to my dictionary!
It’s a time thing. I realized halfway through the book that I spent waaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy too much time with not really important things in the first half, so once I finish writing the thing I’m going back and fixing a lot more stuff than I ever had to fix before.
And I was exaggerating… slightly… I’m actually aiming more for the 24th of March 2016 because that’s my birthday… ABSOLUTELY NO PROMISES BUT THAT’S WHERE I’M AIMING. 😛
Sloggels! I’m adding that to my dictionary!
Add it to all the other ones why you’re at it.
Whew, that’s more like it. Perhaps you should do a slightly stricter outline for your books.
🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢
Perhaps you should do a slightly stricter outline for your books.
Hm… yes, more like ‘perhaps you should do an outline for your books.’
Believe me, I’m trying that with the next one. 😛 It can’t hurt to try.
That’s a good idea. It really won’t hurt. Just write down the major plot points, no more than ten paragraphs, then bullet point each chapter as you write it with 3-4 major plot points. That’s all. Super easy. No time wasted, much saved.
🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢
Great. Thanks. I’ll definitely be trying it. 🙂
Just a few other picky comments…though I do love this scene. 🙂
With one accord Denholm and his companion turned,
This seems a bit stiff and formal. Simply rearranging the words would make it flow better.
I would be the last to know,” Denholm, answered,
There’s an extra comma…
But he was not to be let off so easily.
You could probably delete this line and make the surrounding lines stronger for it; you’re showing the soldier calling him again, so you don’t need to tell it too.
INTJ - Inhumane. No-feelings. Terrible. Judgment and doom on everyone.
Gotcha @Hope. Thanks— you’re right.
Quick question for all of you here— how was the description of the drink? Specifically, did I spend too much time on it?
@kate-flournoy It all depends on how important the drink is. Whenever an author focuses on any detail, we assume it is important. If it proves to have no value to the story, then we feel let down (unless perhaps the details are on the scenery). You especially need to have a reason for including the “something he could not name” in the taste description. A long story is better than a short story if the long story is totally coherent with no wasted words. Remember that brevity is the soul of so much more than just wit.
🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.