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Hey everyone, so Wings is a story I’m working on (and am probably going to end up having as another serial story on my blog), but I’m struggling with the first little bit. Is it engaging? What do you think of it? Where do you anticipate the story going? How do you feel about the characters?
Critique as brutally (*cough* Dark chocolate *cough*) as you can.
(Also I don’t like saying this but since it’s going on the web– this is my work, please don’t steal.)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1o9GL7Pn3oanJ6iKWELsAED05oq1SydZlTOmQqpk_zmY/edit?usp=sharing
@gracie-j, @devastate-lasting, @nova21, @daisy-torres, @scripter-of-kingdoms, @abigail-m, @lewilliams, @kathleenramm, @issawriter7, @mkfairygirl, @william-starkey, @writerlexi1216, @jenwriter17, @godlyfantasy12, @seekjustice, @hallie-jean, @ribbonash, @hobbitchild, @abigailharder, @kayleigh-idea, @joy-caroline, @wyn-rose, @libby, @r-m-archer, @anyone-and-everyone-else
The pen is mightier than the sword, but in a duel, I'm taking the sword.
ekseaver.wordpress.com- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
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@e-k-seaver YAS! I can’t wait to start reading it!!!! I should get started tomorrow afternoon!!! And I will definitely put on my Dark Chocolate face this go-round!
@gracie-j, Yay, tysm
The pen is mightier than the sword, but in a duel, I'm taking the sword.
ekseaver.wordpress.com@e-k-seaver I’ll try to get to it sometime next week, maybe.
Also, because this is a public forum, if you’re worried about stealing what I would do is send a link to a Google Form for people’s emails and then email them a link to the doc…still may or may not prevent stealing but at least you’ll know who has access.
Lately, it's been on my brain
Would you mind letting me know
If hours don't turn into daysSounds great! I’ll give you the feedback ASAP:)
(I give everybody this warning: I’m a pretty slow reader:)@devastate-lasting, @abigail-m thank you!
@daisy-torres, thank you for commenting on the first chapter! I wasn’t sure if you saw the second and third chapter or not, or you just didn’t have time to look at them, just wanted to let you know that they’re there. 😂The pen is mightier than the sword, but in a duel, I'm taking the sword.
ekseaver.wordpress.comHey Em!! I loved your story!! Sooo good!! I don’t really have many critiques, just watch out for some repetitive words. And maybe give Celeste a stronger goal/personality trait? I felt like I was reading from Melia’s POV a lot of the time (which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing 😉) cause Celeste isn’t a bold character. I say this because I’ve read many books with weak POVs and the MCs are harder to appreciate and/or root for.
Now to answer your questions:
#1: Wings is VERY engaging and I love how you started it off with a good ol’ cafeteria brawl. 😉
#2: I ADORE this concept!!
It actually reminds me of Maximum Ride by James Patterson, except better, lol! i’m serious, Maximum Ride was really not good, to say it nicely. 🙂#3: I’m really excited to see what happens!! I think they’re going to escape (
and maybe lose some of the annoying girls on the way) and begin to find out their past… but you also mentioned that the scientists want to use them for war… I don’t think they’ll let them go easily, cause that would suck to lose super expensive war-machines… 😜#4: I love Melia and Ave!! And the chemistry between the “experiments” (i feel so bad saying that, lol) is really well done. It’s really cool to see how they forge a bond (even if they fight sometimes) to survive. Like I said, Celeste is kind of timid, so she’s hard for me to like rn. That may just be me, though.
Thanks SOO much for sharing, and I really hope you share more, because Wings is AMAZING!! 😃
what we do in life echoes in eternity
-gladiator, 2000@e-k-seaver Cool! 😀 I can’t wait to read it!
I'm a Kapeefer 'TIL WE'RE OLD AND GREY!
www.jennaterese.com@e-k-seaver No problem! Haha yes, I saw them. I kind of got busy lol. I’ll get to them soon! Thanks for telling me!
"It's easy to be caught up in stardust and whispers when reality is so dark and loud."
@e-k-seaver I’ve finished reading over and giving comments! Thanks for sharing!
Lately, it's been on my brain
Would you mind letting me know
If hours don't turn into days- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1789
@e-k-seaver Do you want to stick to past tense or present?
Past. @gracie-j
The pen is mightier than the sword, but in a duel, I'm taking the sword.
ekseaver.wordpress.com- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1789
@e-k-seaver Gotcha.
@e-k-seaver thank you for sharing this! Here are some of my thoughts. 🙂
First of all, I’d like to say I adore the concept you have here, so awesome job!
I love that you start witch action, which really gets things moving and grabs my attention. The only problem is that I felt the MC wasn’t really involved with the action. She was just standing there and watching, which is technically fine, but she felt like a very passive character. I think giving her a specific goal in the scene could really help. I also didn’t feel like a connection to her. I’d like to know more about her, so I would love to see more inklings of her personality, her backstory–basically just who she is as a person.
Another thing I noticed was that I didn’t have a very clear picture of the room in the first scene, so some more description would be nice.
The characters were pretty hard to keep track of. I think this is because you introduce so many of them at the same time. If it’s possible, I would remove anyone that’s unnecessary and focus on the most important ones. If that isn’t possible, maybe give each character a very distinct feature about them that would make them more recognizable when mentioned? I think that could help.
I hope these comments help!
- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1789
@e-k-seaver Well, I hate to play favorites, but I personally think that Wings is the best thing you’ve written so far! It hooked me immediately, pulled me in, and the concept is so unique! I simply cannot wait to read more!
Apart from the issue with the tense, what I noticed was (like Kayleigh) that Celeste is very passive, particularly in the first scene. She’s more of a narrator than an actor in the story, and I would like to see her introduced with a definite goal or purpose so that I know right off the bat that the story is about her.
I personally didn’t have an issue with all the characters introduced–and I will say that I already love Ave! You are amazing at creating vibrant secondary characters, so I hope to see Celeste shine as well!
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