Time to share my story!!!

[Kathleen]

@michelle Sorry for the delay, But here are my thoughts!

I like how each of the friends, Freddy, Eddy, Al, and Hilda all have unique personalities. I love it when kid’s books have good friendships. I also liked how each chapter had its own little theme, and I also liked the humor!

My biggest critique would be that the stories are much more Kindergarten-second grade stories. Since I have younger siblings and quite a few nephews, I’ve read lots of kid’s books and Freddy and Friends reminds me of a lot of the books I read to them. Like Curious George, Clifford the Big Red Dog, Little Bear, and so on.

The 3rd-4th grade is like Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, The Hobbit, and books of that nature. I remember reading those books when I was in 4th grade, and my brother read the Hobbit when he was 3rd grade.

So yeah, the kids I know that are in 3rd grade have grown out of books about animals and are way more interested in more serious and adventure type stories.

But the stories in Freddy & Friends are perfect for kids that are in Kindergarten-2nd grade! After checking in the Hemmingway app for the most part the story is in 1st-grade level reading, but some pages are in 2nd and 3rd-grade level reading. So I would just replace some of the more complicated words for simpler ones and the reading level should match the story content level.

I liked how Al, throughout the story is struggling with fear and low-self confidence. A LOT if not all kids can relate to Al and seeing him overcome his struggles will help a lot of kids. So I was thinking that it would be good if Freddy and Eddy also had a personal flaw that they are dealing with throughout the story as well. Maybe a flaw that like Al a lot of kids can relate to. Like maybe Freddy, Eddy, or Hilda’s flaw could be, selfishness, anger, greed, pride, or something like that.

Al was the most interesting and relatable character in the story, and if the other characters had a flaw like how Al has flaws they would be more interesting and relatable too.

And each story focuses on a different character and how they overcome their flaws.

I also really liked how each chapter had its theme! Especially the theme in The New Kid and  Al’s Trouble. However in some of the stories, it felt like the theme was quickly tagged in the end, Like in A Day at the Fair. The theme was about overcoming fear, which is a great theme, but it only came up for a short while at the end. So maybe, in the beginning, have Al a little afraid about going to the fair since it’s his first time. Then with the incident with the ring toss game, Al feels like his fear of the fair has been validated and thinks he should just sit out of the water gun game and just watch Freddy and Eddy play. Of course, Freddy and Eddy refuse to leave Al out of the fun and convince him to play the water gun game. Reluctantly Al agrees, but not long after he starts playing, he gets blasted with one of the water guns, accidentally by either himself or by Freddy or Eddy. Now Al is more distraught (and wet) than ever, and no amount of effort from his friend will convince him to play another fair game. So for the rest of the day Al just avoids all the fair games and just watches Eddy and Freddy have fun. The day is just about over and they are just about to leave when Freddy and Eddy decide to do one more fair game. The Ferris wheel. Al has been looking longingly at the Ferris wheel all day. Thinking that it would be the most fun thing ever, but that he is not brave enough to ride. Freddy and Eddy say that Al doesn’t have to ride with them, but that some of the greatest things happen when you face your fear. Al then pulls himself together, takes a deep breath, and says he’ll do it. Freddy and Eddy have an amazing time on the Ferris wheel ride, but for Al, it was on a whole never level. The ride was the best thing Al ever experienced and a night that he’ll never forget. The night he faced his fear and had the best time with his friends.

So that’s just my idea of how the theme of fear could be a bit more explored in that chapter, it’s totally up to you if you want to take it or leave it. XD

I have a few more little notes about certain parts of the book, but I’ll put those as comments in the google doc.

Overall great job on it! I enjoyed it, and I look forward to seeing what new adventures Freddy and his friends will go on. 🙂

[Erin G]

@michelle

Hey! Sorry this is a bit late, but here are my thoughts on the story:

I really enjoyed reading it overall and thought it was a really sweet story. The ending was quite beautiful. 🙂

My favorite character was probably Eddy, haha. I particularly liked the scene where he was pretending to be invisible. XD

As for critiques… well, I agree with a lot of what Kathleen said above. Have you had someone of your intended age range read it? I suggest that you do, and see what they think of it. As we aren’t your intended age range, there is only so much input we can give. Right now, I think it could be a really sweet story to publish, but having a middle-grade kid or younger read it would really take your story to another level. What parts did they particularly like that you could strengthen? What parts didn’t connect with them as much that you could change? Which characters did they like? What parts did they think was funny?

But yeah, that’s pretty much it for critiques. I enjoyed reading it! *two thumbs up*

[Michelle Black]

@erinramm  Thanks so much for reading my story Erin!!! I am so happy you liked it:) Thanks also for the feedback. Oh and by the way I left you another message on here, you may have you look in your notifications:)

• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Michelle Black.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Michelle Black.

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