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@keilah-h @hybridlore @ellette-giselle @the_lost-journal @liberty
Okay, here’s the next chapter. Any critiques/thoughts would be appreciated.
Chapter 2
It was quiet. Extraordinarily quiet. The clock did not tick on Elina’s wall, the alarm on her phone did not blare, and her siblings did not come to wake her up. The only noise came from Elina herself as she breathed in and out in an uneasy sleep.
So, it was for this very reason that Elina slept very late, past her alarm, past breakfast, and past the first bell at school. The sun woke her up, as a golden ray fell through the window and onto Elina’s eyelids. Slowly, and with much effort, her eyes opened. She closed them again, then turned on her side. Then, she turned back and sat up, rubbing her eyes. They widened as she realized the sun was up and she was not. She jumped out of bed, changed into her school uniform, and pulled on her baseball cap.
Weird, my alarm should’ve woken me up.
Elina snatched her phone from her desk, grabbed her backpack, and flew out of her room, thundering down the stairs and into the living room.
No time for breakfast.
She yanked on the front door, surprised when it didn’t open. Normally, her younger siblings would have left first, leaving the door unlocked. Elina set down her backpack and fished through it, retrieving her key and unlocking the door. Slamming the door behind her as she raced out, she didn’t bother locking it, knowing her father would be home that day.
Leaves of red and gold floated down from the trees, swirling about in the cool autumn breeze. Somewhere, from one of the neighbor’s roofs, a bird called out, breaking the silence permeating the neighborhood.
No cars drove on the road as Elina charged across it, barely checking for traffic.
It’s probably a holiday or something. Elina reassured herself as she approached her school, St. Cecilia High School. Rushing up the steps, Elina pulled her cap lower over her face and burst through the doors, slowing her pace as she walked the school halls.
After three flights of stairs, she arrived at her first class and opened the door.
“I’m so, so sorry I’m- ‘’
Elina blinked. A vacant classroom was all that met her. The teacher’s desk and seat were empty, likewise with the student’s desks.
Maybe everyone’s in second period, and I missed first period. That has to be it.
She closed the door, nearly running along the hall, down the stairs, and to her class on the second floor. Upon opening the door, she opened her mouth to apologize, then stopped. Again, an empty classroom.
Elina entered the room and took a seat. She inhaled deeply and let it out, tapping her foot against the ground. A million questions buzzed about in her mind, her heart hammered within her.
Maybe, maybe it really is a holiday, or day off, that I forgot about, and, and everyone’s at home. Yeah, that’s it, everyone’s at home, enjoying the day off, and that’s why nobody’s at school or on the road.
Elina nodded to herself, that had to be it. Never mind that the clock above the whiteboard behind the teacher’s desk didn’t tick, or that the gentle hum of the lights did not sound.
Everyone’s at home, and you’re just getting excited over nothing. Move your legs and go home.
It took a few moments until Elina listened to that last thought, and when she did stand up, it took a great effort to cross the classroom. Once she did, however, she found herself barreling down the steps and out of the school. Shoes pounding on the cement, Elina panted but did not stop, rushing past empty houses and barren streets. Finally, she was home, and flung the door wide open and entered without closing the door behind her.
All throughout the house she searched frantically, the doubts and worries that had been slowly building up crashing down in a terrible tsunami wave.
“Dad?! Mom?! Jack?! Becky?! Danny?!”
Silence, and nothing more.
Elina flew through each room, first the dining room, then the kitchen, then the basement, then the bedrooms and finally the attic.
“This isn’t funny! Come out, now!”
Once the house had been cleared, Elina knocked on each neighbor’s door, making her way from the top of the street to the bottom. When no one answered, and she had exhausted all energy, she returned home. For the first time that day, she noticed the heat wasn’t on, and the house lay chilly.Elina collapsed on the living room couch, holding her blazer closer to her. She stared up at the ceiling, her heartbeat slowing.
Where could everyone be? Maybe, maybe this is all an elaborate prank, or some sort of social experiment. Maybe, this is all a bad dream, a nightmare, and I’m still asleep in my bed.
Elina pinched herself a few times, it wasn’t a dream. She did it a few more times to make sure and considered taking more extreme measures.
Woah, calm down. You’re getting overly emotional.
She couldn’t panic now, she couldn’t. So, she sat up and took a shaky breath, then went into the kitchen. It was colder there, and Elina noticed the microwave clock was off. She took out a cup from one of the cupboards and stuck it under the sink faucet, twisting the sink handle towards her. except nothing came out. So, she tried it again. Nothing. The cup fell from her hands, she watched it bounce once.
Why isn’t anything working? Where are my family and neighbors? Why are the electricity and water gone? Where is – my phone!
She made her way to the living room couch where she had flung her school backpack, and retrieved her phone. Typing in her code, she called her dad and watched as the phone dialed.
Please, God, please let him pick up Lord.
“Hi, this is Daniel Miller,”
“Dad!”
“Currently I’m unavailable so please leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.”
“Ugh!” Elina groaned, dropping the phone back into the bag. “IS ANYONE THERE?!”
At that moment, the door creaked open, and there, standing in the doorway, was Jack.“Elina?”
“Jack! Oh, thank God. Where were you?”“Searching the town.” Jack shut the door behind him and sat down. “You’re one of the few people left.”
“What do you mean?” Elina questioned.
“Well, this morning, when I woke up, I noticed my alarm clock wasn’t on and that dad wasn’t up, so I figured I was late for school and went to St. Mark’s. When no one was there, I felt like something was wrong and began searching the school. When I still couldn’t find anyone, I came back here, got out my bike, and rode around town. And well, now I’m here.”
“You couldn’t find anyone?” Elina repeated, her eyes wide.
“Pretty much. Well, I did find Olivia, Adaline and Dylan.”
“Oh.” Elina sighed, “Just my luck.”
A silence settled on the room for a moment.
“Well, what happened to you?”
“The same thing, except I didn’t go all around the town. Oh, and the power and water are out too.” Elina replied.
“Yeah, I kind of assumed that when I checked my phone. I think the cell service is down, which means we’re basically stuck in an isolated town.”
Elina let his words sink in, the unfamiliar silence returning for several minutes. A knock on the door shattered the quiet. Elina started, and Jack got up, walking slowly to the door. “It’s them.”
He opened it to reveal Olivia, Adaline, and Dylan. Olivia walked in without waiting for an invitation, followed by her friends.
“Oh, so your sister is still here.” she spoke with a slight sneer, narrowing her eyes at Elina. “Great, just what we need. Couldn’t you have disappeared with everyone else?”
“Gee, even in an emergency situation like this, you can’t resist being a jerk, huh?” Elina replied, subconsciously pulling her cap down lower.Olivia noticed and smirked, “Trying to hide your scar, hm? It doesn’t make much of a difference when everyone knows how ugly you are.”
Elina’s eyes burned, wishing, at that exact moment, every kind of harmful thing to befall Olivia when Jack said, “Can you stop being you for five minutes, Olivia, so we can decide what the heck we’re going to do?”
Olivia muttered something to Adaline and she laughed. Dylan merely shook his head, eyes glued to the floor.
“Anyway, what did you guys find outside the wall?”
“You went outside the wall?” Elina stared, incredulous.“Yeah, so what?” Adaline grinned, taking out a blue knit scarf from her coat pocket.
“That’s illegal.”
Adaline shrugged, “What’s your point? No one’s around to tell us what to do, so might as well do what we can with the freedom we have.”
“Was this all you found?” Jack questioned, unrolling the scarf. A scrap of paper fluttered to the ground, and as he picked it up, Elina noticed a splotch of dried blood stained on the back.
“Yep, that and some footprints that led into the forest.” Dylan replied.“What kind of footprints?”
“All kinds, big ones, small ones, they all ran over each other, and were all different shoe types.”
“Any other kinds?”
Dylan hesitated, then added, “Yeah, there were some really big ones, probably two times bigger than my own feet. They were fewer and farther in between, and led into the forest.”“Were they made by shoes, or barefoot?”
“Barefoot, and the footprints were a little deeper than the shoe marks.”
“Well then, I have no idea what that indicates.” Jack remarked, examining the note. He paled as he held up the note, “Although, from this note and from the scarf, we can tell that our townsfolk, wherever they are, may be in danger.”Scrawled on the note, in sloppy, smushed handwriting, were the faint letters of ‘SOS’.
“Our house is full of ducks!!!!”
i am so relieved Jack is still there!! Also, I have a feeling I’m going to like Dylan.
just a hunch.also, I’m not sure about Olivia and Adaline’s reaction. You see, when people bully others it tends to be because of insecurity and cowardice. I have yet to meet a truly confidant and courageous bully. That being said, they seem too calm and cool. I would expect them to be falling to pieces at the moment, and then become horribly nasty the minute they feel secure enough to be ashamed of the breakdown. Unless they know something that makes them unafraid. Just a thought.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
This chapter does a good job building up the suspense! The only thing I would say is yeah, Ellette has a point. These girls seem to be so mean for no real reason that I can guess at yet. It makes them feel flatter, rather than like actual people who have motives and stuff for their actions. Their ultimate goal, especially in a situation like this, would not just be to put Elina down. They would probably be scared, or freaking out, or whatever. You could show a little more of their characters by having them actually react to the situation, then, later, they can always bully her once they’re a little more comfortable like Ellette said.
'Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.'
Also, one thing I just thought of; we don’t really care about the characters’ families since we haven’t met them yet. Maybe it would be a good idea to lengthen the first chapter by showing Jack and Elina getting home and seeing their parents and siblings.
'Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.'
Sorry, I’m late. (By a week too, yikes!) But now I am here and have read the two chapters you posted. So far, it looks good. You can tag me on the next chapters.
The general plot of the story is that the townsfolk in Rosen, an isolated town surrounded by a forest, go missing, and two twins and three of their questionable allies are searching for them in the woods.
Questionable allies indeed! I kind of like how Elina is forced to work with her enemies.
What genre does this fit into?
You have dramatically improved in breaking up your paragraphs from the previous work you shared. This flows a lot better and is easier to read. Good job!
Sometimes it is necessary to paint the sky black in order to see the stars.
i am so relieved Jack is still there!! Also, I have a feeling I’m going to like Dylan.
just a hunch.I hope you like Dylan too, he’s probably my second favorite character to write.
also, I’m not sure about Olivia and Adaline’s reaction. You see, when people bully others it tends to be because of insecurity and cowardice. I have yet to meet a truly confidant and courageous bully. That being said, they seem too calm and cool. I would expect them to be falling to pieces at the moment, and then become horribly nasty the minute they feel secure enough to be ashamed of the breakdown. Unless they know something that makes them unafraid. Just a thought.
That’s a good point, I’ll have to change that. Later on, Adaline does sort of break down after some things go wrong, but she and Olivia do bully partly on insecurity. Thanks for catching that.
This chapter does a good job building up the suspense! The only thing I would say is yeah, Ellette has a point. These girls seem to be so mean for no real reason that I can guess at yet. It makes them feel flatter, rather than like actual people who have motives and stuff for their actions. Their ultimate goal, especially in a situation like this, would not just be to put Elina down. They would probably be scared, or freaking out, or whatever. You could show a little more of their characters by having them actually react to the situation, then, later, they can always bully her once they’re a little more comfortable like Ellette said.
Got it, I do have reasons as to why they’re mean, but I can see how they’re coming off as flat so far (writing the first few chapters I myself didn’t like my own characters XD).
Also, one thing I just thought of; we don’t really care about the characters’ families since we haven’t met them yet. Maybe it would be a good idea to lengthen the first chapter by showing Jack and Elina getting home and seeing their parents and siblings.
True. My original draft for the first chapter included one of the townsfolk, but showing the townsfolk a bit more sounds better. Thank you for the critiques.
Sorry, I’m late. (By a week too, yikes!) But now I am here and have read the two chapters you posted. So far, it looks good. You can tag me on the next chapters.
That’s okay, and thanks!
Questionable allies indeed! I kind of like how Elina is forced to work with her enemies.
Good, good, I was hoping this would be an interesting point for readers.
What genre does this fit into?
Ummm… good question. Sort of a mix of adventure/mystery I guess?
You have dramatically improved in breaking up your paragraphs from the previous work you shared. This flows a lot better and is easier to read. Good job!
Thank you!
“Our house is full of ducks!!!!”
I think me and shadow are the only people on here who write anything creepy… 😂
You’re not the only ones. My Lovedream project is sci-fi fantasy mixed with horror, or something like that.
I’m following along! And I’ll answer any group questions you post; for now, I’ll stay quiet. *Ninja reads*
#ProtectAdolinKholin
I’m following along! And I’ll answer any group questions you post; for now, I’ll stay quiet. *Ninja reads*
Yay, glad to hear that!!
“Our house is full of ducks!!!!”
@hybridlore @ellette-giselle @linus-smallprint @whalekeeper @the_lost-journal @keilah-h
I rewrote the first chapter with all of your suggestions in mind, do you want me to post it for your thoughts/critiques?
“Our house is full of ducks!!!!”
I would love to see it!
'Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.'
@theshadow Ooh, mysterious! although, for some reason, that exact situation (of being the only one still existing in the whole town) is like my worst nightmare. Sometimes my family will all be quietly doing whatever they’re doing–my parents outside doing yard work, my brother in his room playing a video game or sorting his stuffed manatees–and I’ll come out of the room and be like “Where is everyone?? They haven’t all disappeared have they?”
It’s a super irrational fear but it’s there. Not that your story is scaring me, I enjoy it.
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
@theshadow sure!
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
Great, here it is:
Chapter 1
“You ever wondered what it would be like to leave Rosen?” Jack questioned, glancing down at his twin sister.
Elina’s eyebrows shot up, “Why? Do you want to?”
“I don’t know.” Jack replied. “I’ve been thinking about it a lot, though. I mean, it’s kind of weird we can’t leave, what with the wall and everything.”
“It’s for our protection.” Elina pulled her jacket zipper higher as a light breeze blew, sending strands of black hair over her shoulders. “You’ve heard the stories.”
“Yeah, like Mr. Woodrow.” Jack paused, waving at a group of boys walking by. Elina pulled her cap lower to hide the scar on her face, waiting until they were gone.
“Anyway, everyone’s heard the stories, I know that, just that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be allowed to leave.” Jack took out his phone, “Five thirty, fifteen minutes.”
Elina nodded, “As you were saying.”
“Right. I think it’s annoying, having to get special permission and escort to leave. What’s so dangerous about the woods anyway?” Jack questioned. “Does the mayor even know what’s going on in there?”
“I don’t think a lot of people do. Mom told me once the mayor tried sending a search party out when that Morrison guy and his friend went missing. Something went wrong though, at least mom thinks that, and none of the party came back.” Elina remembered the newspaper article her mom had shown her, pictures of footprints leading into the woods, those of men never to return. She shuddered, “Why would you want to leave Rosen anyway?”
“Too small and close-knit, I want something new. What about you?”
“It’s nice here, everyone’s already made up their mind about me, and Rosen’s nice and quiet.”“I suppose.” Jack replied.
“What time is it?” Elina asked.
“Five thirty-five, let’s go.”
The two set off, ambling down the park pathway, enjoying the crisp autumn day.Elina had just been discussing a separate topic with her brother, when she noticed his eyes narrow.
“What’s wrong?”
“Them.” Jack motioned with his head, and Elina groaned.
“Maybe if we turn around, we-’’“Hey, Elina.”
Olivia approached her, Adaline sidling up next to her friend.
Elina forced a tight smile, wishing they had left sooner.
“Hi Olivia, Adaline. Nice seeing you here.”
“I don’t think ‘nice’ is the right word. Adaline and I were having a fine day until you showed up.” Olivia grinned, “What are you doing here anyway?’’
“What, can I not walk?” Elina’s smile broke, “Look, we’re trying to leave. Don’t you have anything better to do?”
“What, then talk with you? I don’t think so.” Olivia nudged Adaline as Elina scowled. “Oh, how’s school going? Just perfect I’d imagine.”
“Too bad your face doesn’t match it.” Adaline added, and the two laughed.
“Why don’t you two back off and go get a life?” Jack’s eyes blazed with mingled annoyance and anger.Olivia shrugged, “You’re right, you’re both wasting my time. One last thing though, how’s it feel to have a freak for a twin? I almost pity you, I’d hate to have a sibling who looks like,” she gestured nonchalantly at the scar, “that.”
Adaline and Olivia chuckled as they left. A bright red tinged Elina’s face, “I hate them.”
“I don’t blame you.” Jack cast a raging glance at them over his shoulder as they continued on the walkway. “They’re lucky they’re girls, I would have crushed their faces by now.”
“You’re lucky they’re girls. Juvy would be too much for you.”“I could take it. It’d be worth it, if I could make them pay for what they’ve said to you.”
“Eh, I’ve heard worse.” Elina inhaled sharply, and let it out.
Remember, it’s just words. Then how come words cut as deep as knives?
Lord, help me to remember they’re just words.
“I wonder where the other one was.”
“Which other one?” Elina knew before he answered.“You know, Dylan O’Malley? He’s usually with them.”
“He’s working, I think. At least, that’s all I see him do when he’s not with them.”
“Right. Why would he?” Jack flipped out his phone and frowned, “Pick up the pace, it’s nearly time.”
Elina nodded, and the two hurried on to their lessons through the small town of Rosen.…..
Exactly one hour and a half later, the two arrived home, coming back from their lessons in the chilly fall night.
“We’re home!” Elina called as Jack closed the door behind them. From the dining room, Elina’s mom, Maeve Miller, appeared. “Hello dears, how were lessons?”
“Fine. Mr and Mrs Jackson says my aim is getting better.” Elina beamed, taking off her cap and hanging it on the hooks behind the door that housed jackets, hats, and scarves.“That’s wonderful El, and how was whittling Jack?”
“Eh.” Jack dug through his jacket pocket, producing a small, roughly carved wooden spoon. “I don’t understand how Benny can carve so well.”
“It looks good, dear, you’ve improved so much already. And, as you practice, you’ll get even better.” His mom smiled, “how about some dinner?”
Elina and Jack nodded, entering the dining room and taking their seats as their mother called their two younger siblings.“Becky, Dan, dinner!”
Footsteps thundered, and Becky and Dan rushed past their mother and took their seats at the table, grinning at the twins.
“Becky, help me with the food, won’t you?” Maeve asked.
“Okay.” As she and her mother left to the kitchen, the living room door creaked open, and from it their father, Henry Miller, emerged, carrying a bag.
“Anyone home?”
”Hey dad!” Dan called, pushing out his chair and rushing to the door.“Hey, there’s my ruffian!” Elina’s dad set down his work bag and threw open his arms, squeezing Dan into a bear hug. “How’re you?”
“Okay.” Danny replied, his eyes lighting up. “I got an A on my math test!”
“That’s my boy.” Henry let go, ruffling Dan’s hair. “Where’s your mother?”“In the kitchen.”
“Great. You can tell me about the rest of your day while we eat.” Henry walked into the dining room accompanied by his ten year old son. “Hey twins, how are you two?”
“Hi dad.” The two said simultaneously.“I’m good, how are you? How was work?” Jack answered, watching his father enter the kitchen.
“Fine, teaching really takes it out of you though.”As their dad greeted his wife with a kiss, Jack turned to Elina. “Do you want me to tell him about earlier?”
“What, Olivia and Adaline?” Elina shouldered her archery bag off, slinging it over the chair. “No, it’s fine.”“What happened?” Becky asked as she returned carrying a bowl of spaghetti, her questioning eyes staring at Elina.
“Nothing.” Elina lowered her voice, shook her head. “Nothing.”
“Dad, something happened to Elina!” Danny called, and Elina’s head shot up.
“Why would you say that?!”
“Danny!” Jack launched from his seat as Danny gave a scream and raced away, Jack hot on his heels.
“What happened, Elina?” Henry asked, carrying a plate of vegetables and setting it on the table. “Did something happen at school?”
With some effort, she said, “No, not at school.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Elina’s eyes met her dad’s, soft and concerned. She broke her gaze, “No, I’d rather not.”
Her dad pursed his lips, and nodded. “Alright, but if anything’s happening at school or anywhere else, tell mom or me, and we’ll settle it. Because listen, Elina, no one has the right to treat you any less than them.”
“I guess.” Then why does it feel like I’m less than them?
Her dad gave her a smile. Elina’s mom came up from behind, a bowl of sauce in one hand. “You listen to your dad, Elina. He’s a smart man.”
“With an even smarter wife.” Her dad added, planting a kiss on her mom’s cheek as she set down the bowl. Elina forced a smile, above a few shouts and crashes sounded.“I’ll get on that.” Henry left, and Maeve sighed as Becky came with the last of the food. Elina soaked it in, a sudden gratitude washing over her. What do I care what Olivia and Adaline think? My family loves me and God loves me, and that’s all that matters right?
Late that night, as the town of Rosen slept and a steady rain fell, a shadow stalked outside of the walls.
“Our house is full of ducks!!!!”
It looks so much better! I love that we got to see their family now. I feel like I know the characters so much better already.
'Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.'
It’s a super irrational fear but it’s there. Not that your story is scaring me, I enjoy it.
Lol, thanks, and no judgment on the the irrational fear, we all have them XD. Whenever I’m alone and can’t find anyone in the house I assume they’ve been Thanos snapped or something lol.
Glad you like it, thanks!
“Our house is full of ducks!!!!”
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