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Is it pronounced keh-fa or kay-fa?
'Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.'
omccc
I like your name!!! It’s so cool!!!
yeah, just like Hybridlore, I didn’t know if it was your real name or not lol…
But it’s so unique and cool!
I’ve been pronouncing it “Kee-fa” *dies laughing*
This lady thrives on the divine grace of Faith and the rich embrace of caffeine.
@theshadow cool! I’ll definitely read this. If nothing else, I’m returning the favor since I made you read mine XD
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
…?
oh…
😓
I’m so confused…did I say something wrong? I was just saying that I like your name!!
I’m sorry if something I said hurt your feelings… :/
This lady thrives on the divine grace of Faith and the rich embrace of caffeine.
it is nothing. you would find it dumb the reason I am upset…
"MAMA! I AM SCARED MOMA! MOMAAAAAA!!!!!!! TALK TO ME MAMA!"
Oh…
I just feel bad :/
I don’t like it when I hurt people’s feelings 😥
This lady thrives on the divine grace of Faith and the rich embrace of caffeine.
it isn’t your fault, I am not mad… I am just upset
"MAMA! I AM SCARED MOMA! MOMAAAAAA!!!!!!! TALK TO ME MAMA!"
Thanks, it’ll be a little creepy, though it’s not the main focus.
Lol thank you.
🤨
“Our house is full of ducks!!!!”
@ellette-giselle @keilah-h @hybridlore @the_lost-journal
Okay, well here’s the first chapter. I’m not a huge fan of it, but the other draft first chapter wasn’t great either. So critiques are definitely appreciated.
Chapter 1
“You ever wondered what it would be like to leave Rosen?”
Elina’s eyebrows shot up, “Why? Do you intend to?”
“I don’t know.” Jack replied. “I’ve been thinking about it a lot, though. I mean, it’s kind of weird we can’t leave, what with the wall and everything.”
“It’s for our protection.” Elina pulled her jacket zipper higher as a light breeze blew. “You’ve heard the stories.”
“Yeah, like Mr. Woodrow. Poor guy, he was my science teacher.” Jack paused, waving at a group of boys walking by. Elina pulled her cap lower, waiting until they were gone.
“Anyway, everyone’s heard the stories, I know that, just that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be allowed to leave.” Jack took out his phone, “Five thirty, fifteen minutes.”
Elina nodded, “As you were saying.”
“Right. I think it’s annoying, having to get special permission and escort to leave. What’s so dangerous about the woods anyway?” Jack questioned. “Does the mayor even know what’s going on in there?”
“I don’t think a lot of people do. Mom told me once the mayor tried sending a search party out when that Morrison guy and his friend went missing. Something went wrong though, at least mom thinks that, and none of the party came back.” Elina remembered the newspaper article her mom had shown her, pictures of footprints leading into the woods, those of men never to return. She shuddered, “Why would you want to leave Rosen anyway?”
“Too small and close-knit, I want something new. What about you?”
“It’s nice here, everyone’s already made up their mind about me, and Rosen’s nice and quiet.”“I suppose.” Jack replied.
Jack and Elina were twins, both black haired and green eyed with pale skin. Being twins, they were both of almost the same height, Jack beating Elina by an inch in that regard. They looked quite similar, all for the reasons one would assume except one. The factor that most differentiated the two was the scar, reaching from Elina’s left temple, all the way down to the bottom of her cheek. Right then and there, the scar formed the largest differences between the two, mentally and physically speaking.
“What time is it?” Elina asked.
“Five thirty-five, let’s go.”
The two set off, ambling down the park pathway, enjoying the crisp autumn day.Elina had just been discussing a separate topic with her brother, when she noticed his eyes narrow.
“What’s wrong?”
“Them.” Jack motioned with his head, and Elina groaned.
“Maybe if we turn around, we-’’“Hey, Elina.”
Olivia approached her, Adaline sidling up next to her friend.
Elina forced a tight smile, wishing they had left sooner.
“Hi Olivia, Adaline. Nice seeing you here.”
“I don’t think ‘nice’ is the right word. Adaline and I were having a fine day until you showed up.” Olivia grinned, “What are you doing here anyway?’’
“What, can I not walk?” Elina’s smile broke, “Look, we’re trying to leave. Don’t you have anything better to do?”
“What, then talk with you? I don’t think so.” Olivia nudged Adaline as Elina scowled. “Oh, how’s school going? Just perfect I’d imagine.”
“Too bad your face doesn’t match it.” Adaline added, and the two laughed.
“Why don’t you two back off and go get a life?” Jack’s eyes blazed with mingled annoyance and anger.Olivia shrugged, “You’re right, you’re both wasting my time. One last thing though, how’s it feel to have a freak for a twin? I almost pity you, I’d hate to have a sibling who looks like,” she gestured nonchalantly at the scar, “that.”
Adaline and Olivia chuckled as they left. A bright red tinged Elina’s face, “I hate them.”
“I don’t blame you.” Jack cast a raging glance at them over his shoulder as they continued on the walkway. “They’re lucky they’re girls, I would have crushed their faces by now.”
“You’re lucky they’re girls. Juvy would be too much for you.”“I could take it. It’d be worth it, if I could make them pay for what they’ve said to you.”
“Eh, I’ve heard worse.” Elina inhaled sharply, and let it out.
Remember, it’s just words. Then how come words cut as deep as knives?
Lord, help me to remember they’re just words.
“I wonder where the other one was.”
“Which other one?” Elina knew before he answered.“You know, Dylan O’Malley? He’s usually with them.”
“He’s working, I think. At least, that’s all I see him do when he’s not with them.”
“Right. Why would he?” Jack flipped out his phone and frowned, “Pick up the pace, it’s nearly time.”
Elina nodded, and the two hurried on to their lessons through the small town of Rosen.About an hour later, while the sunset and the townsfolk performed their regular duties, a shadow stalked just outside of the wall.
“Our house is full of ducks!!!!”
@theshadow hmmmm….Interesting! we’ll have to see where it goes.
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
Sorry it took me a day to get back to you. Even though you said you didn’t like this first chapter much, I think it has potential. It introduces the characters and their world pretty well. It is a very short chapter. Is that normal throughout the book, or is this the exception? It’s fine to have shorter chapters, but I think it might benefit from a little more fleshing out. As it is now, not much happens besides getting introduced to the characters and a little of the world. (I know, I know, my first chapter doesn’t do much else either 😂 These are just my thoughts.)
You have a lot of dialogue, and not much description. The description you do have (the twins’ appearances) leans toward telling and not showing. I don’t know if you’ve heard of that before, but basically, readers want to figure out things for themselves instead of being fed it all. For example, instead of saying:
Jack and Elina were twins, both black haired and green eyed with pale skin.
You can instead insert this information between dialogue so it flows more naturally, maybe like this:
“You ever wondered what it would be like to leave Rosen?” Jack glanced down (this shows their height?) at his twin sister. (establishes that they’re twins)
Elina’s eyebrows shot up. “Why? Do you intend to?” (Side note: this kind of sounds formal. I think especially with close siblings like twins, something like “You’re not going to, are you?” would sound better. However, this oculd be a part of Elina’s character. Does she typically sound formal, using larger words?)
“I don’t know.” Jack replied. “I’ve been thinking about it a lot, though. I mean, it’s kind of weird we can’t leave, what with the wall and everything.”
“It’s for our protection.” Elina pulled her jacket zipper higher as a light breeze blew, splaying her dark hair over her shoulders (hair color). “You’ve heard the stories.”
“Yeah, like Mr. Woodrow. Poor guy, he was my science teacher.” (I can’t remember the term for this, but it’s pretty common. Elina probably already knows Mr. Woodrow was Jack’s science teacher, so there’s no reason for him to say this. If she might not remember (which seems unlikely) Jack could always say something like, “My science teacher, remember?”
Jack paused, waving at a group of boys walking by. Elina pulled her cap down to hide the scar on her face (describes scar), waiting until they were gone.
Anyway, yeah. If that didn’t make sense, or wasn’t helpful, feel free to ask me to elaborate or ignore me. 😆 I’ll be looking forward to reading the next chapter!
'Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.'
I really like this chapter! Everything critical I was going to say @hybridlore already covered.
I really enjoy these characters. I like how Jack sticks up for his sister, and I’m eager to find out what happens and where Elina got her scar!
make sure to keep tagging me because I’m really enjoying this.
and those girls giving her a hard time… let me just say that words hurt more and last longer than physical blows. I should know. poor girl. I feel for her.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Thank you!!
Indeed lol.
The first three chapters are pretty short because I wasn’t too invested in them lol.
Thank you so much for the critiques, I 100% agree with all of them. I used telling in this specifically because I didn’t know what to write to make it longer, so I’ll try using the suggestions for showing while editing. Thanks again!!
Thanks, I will be sure to tag you.
and those girls giving her a hard time… let me just say that words hurt more and last longer than physical blows. I should know. poor girl. I feel for her.
Mhm, that’s one of my themes I hope to get across, that and the idea that we aren’t defined by what others think of us but by God. Really hope that the characters don’t come out annoying though so I’m glad you could understand her. Thank you for the feedback.
“Our house is full of ducks!!!!”
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