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- Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
- Total Posts: 692
I’ve perfected this chapter enough to want outside critiques
The Paradise Lie
CW: mentions of abuse, implied alcohol use
Prologue
The house was quiet. A little too quiet. Chills ran up and down his spine as Benjamin walked into the house dropping his backpack in the corner. Where was mom? He took a deep shaky breath as he ran towards the living room. Panicking, he searched every room for her. After he had gone through every room, he sank to his knees on the living room floor and just rocked back and forth crying. How could she leave without saying anything? His heart raced. A creeeeeek came from the front door. He went to the book corner and hid. Hugging his knees up to his chest, he rolled up into a ball.
“Benjamin Eaton!” His father angrily slurred the words. He was drunk again. Benjamin just curled up more, hoping his dad wouldn’t see him. He could feel the pain. The bruises so bad that he couldn’t move for a week without wincing. The words so harsh that his heart broke in two. The memories just came back. Nightmares every time he fell asleep. His stomach churned with every movement his dad made. Please don’t find me! He begged in his mind like a prayer spoken. He had begged God for years to change his father but with every passing week, he just got worse. The beatings more painful and the words harsher. His father walked unevenly towards his hiding spot. Please no! He inwardly screamed. Where are you mom when I need you most, he thought. Because it was dark, his father wasn’t able to find him and went upstairs to sleep it off. Benjamin let out a sob of relief when he was gone. He ran into the kitchen to warm up a glass of milk. He figured he could use some calming down in that moment. Something caught his eye on the counter. It was a sticky note in his mom’s handwriting. He grabbed it with shaky hands. Dear Ben, I’m taking your siblings to grandma’s house. Will be back in a few hours. Get yourself a snack if you’re hungry and stay in your room. Dad might come over in a state again and I don’t want him hurting you. Love, Mom
Too late for that, mom. He tried to shake off his nerves but they were shot. The microwave beeped, signaling that his milk was done and warm. He took the mug to his bedroom and closed the door.
***
Ben jumped out of bed, and ran to the window. There was still only one car in the driveway. Something was off, Mom still wasn’t home. What was going on? He raced downstairs and raised his eyebrows as he looked up to see his father weeping in his chair. He held a Bible in his hands. He looked at him not knowing how to act. His father heard him and met his gaze. “I’m so sorry Ben,” He whispered. “I hurt you so much!” He placed a hand on Ben’s shoulder. Ben flinched and pulled away. “I know you don’t trust me and maybe you never will but could you forgive me? I know I don’t deserve it but please Ben, would you at least consider it?” Anger and pain boiled inside of Ben. How could that monster ever think I would forgive him? He doesn’t understand the pain he caused. The days he locked his bedroom door and hid in the closet with his baseball bat in case he came home when his mom wasn’t there. The days he would lie on his stomach to stop the pain. The times he sobbed uncontrollably as he waited for his dad to stop beating him. No. He could never forgive that monster.
Ben bit his lip and shook his head. “No!” He whisper screamed and ran out the door. He just kept running his lungs burning and his legs begging him to stop and rest as they became like jelly.. This wouldn’t be the last time he would run but it was his first time. As a ten year old he would run. Away from the pain, the hurt and most of all, his monster of a father.
Will tag others momentarily
- Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
- Total Posts: 692
Sorry if you didn’t want to be tagged. Any and all critiques appreciate.
@sarafini
If this is the whole first chapter (which I’m assuming it is) my first critique would be to hint in some way at the actual plot. I felt like it was missing something, and maybe that was it. I’m not entirely sure. Because to me, unless this whole story revolves around Ben and his forgiving his father, I see no indication of the plot developing further. It’s definitely hard to do in the first chapter, I struggle with it too, but even just a small hint at either the plot itself or how the theme ties into the plot, if you know what I mean.
It was really good description, except for a few parts where there was telling instead of showing. I struggle with that a lot too, so my only suggestion would be to go through and look for places where you told exactly how he was feeling, instead of letting that show itself through his actions.
Other than that, it was really good and I’m looking forward to reading more! If you share more be sure to tag me!!
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
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