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Here is my forum for TNPT. Please look back through it the questions I have for my readers. You mentioned you have some predictions. (“haha! I rock and guessing scenes! lolololol”) If you do, I would not mind hearing those as well, but #no-spoilers.
Just so you know, I am trying to post at least one chapter a week. I find deadlines motivational and am trying to stick to this. If I don’t, you have my full permission to bother me about it.
Great! Thank you! Yeah, like I mentioned before I’ve been reading through it! I’ve been taking notes, though I didn’t see the questions for readers. Are you interested in the notes I have so far?
Oh, I will bother you for chapters. Don’t encourage me. haha
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
Did I break this page? Anything beyond page 2 keeps on refreshing itself before it can load. Remind me not to make anymore custom HTML and CSS buttons. I wounder if another post will fix this.
Let’s try this again. Had lots of glitching last time.
Great! Thank you! Yeah, like I mentioned before I’ve been reading through it! I’ve been taking notes, though I didn’t see the questions for readers. Are you interested in the notes I have so far?
Yes please, I would love to see your notes!
As to the questions I had earlier, let me fetch them.
Chapter the 6th:
I am curious to know what you think of Alan’s character so far. I feel like I have the least clear vision of how he thinks and talks. Does he seem inconsistent or anything to you?
Chapter the 8th:
If any of you are gardeners/farmers and have experience in dealing with pesty bugs, I would like to know what you think of how this problem is dealt with in this chapter. How realistic are the solutions provided here? I did some quick research on this, but if you have any corrections I would like to hear them.
Also, for you horse-loving girls, what do you think of Alan’s mount?
Oh, I will bother you for chapters. Don’t encourage me. haha
Just the sort of reader I need. Excellent!
Great! I have just started Chapter 6, but I’m in the middle of shooting one character and saving another, so I need to finish up with all that. lol. Then I’ll keep reading.
Here are my notes so far…..
Notes For The Narrow Path Trilogy
Ok Linus, I’m going to take notes as I go.
Prologue:
It’s really good, and It’s intriguing. However, I do have two things to say. One, the narrative feels a little dry…. If that makes sense. Just some of the words used seem to suck the life out of it. This leads to my second point, which is word choice. I would suggest not using the same descriptive word twice in one paragraph at least. Maybe even more than that. It starts to feel redundant, and then as a reader you almost feel like you are reading a textbook. If a story is a meal, we need a little more spices than just salt. If that makes sense. Try to give it some more interesting and unique flavors by using different descriptive words that still mean what you want to say. I don’t know if I’m making sense, but I feel like this needs a little more flare. I guess I would say use uncommonly used words to describe common things.
That would be my only criticism for that. I’m quite intrigued, and I’m already feeling a bit of Wingfeather here. Lol.Chapter 1:
spinach? Oh man, I am laughing so hard! I mean, what a way to start a story after that prologue! You have defiantly got me hooked, just because I can’t imagine where you are going with spinach! Haha! You obviously have a good sense of humor!
Ok, I’ll keep reading.Ok, here is one thing. You said, “Tyn replied,” and then “Alan replied.” I would switch that up a little so that you have two different words. Maybe I’m nuts, but that’s nails on the chalkboard for me. 🤣
Ok, I’m gonna try to call it right now and say that Alan is the monster from the prologue…….. but maybe I’m wrong. Just a guess.
I like where this is going! I would love to see drawings of these characters! Do you plan on doing your own illustrations? You really should!Onward to Chapter 2:
K…. Two descriptions so far. “The trees did make the city…” I would say “The trees made the city” I feel like something just doesn’t flow otherwise.
And, “she was further back than he thought, being stuck” I just can’t do that one. I read it over several times and it just doesn’t work in my opinion. I would say, “she was further back than he thought, stuck behind”
And you used the word “building” twice in a row. I would replace one reference with “structure” or something like that.
Your description of the flag in front of the recruiting office is missing some words…..
Ooo man, I cannot see this visit going well. I WANT A PICTURE OF ALAN! I can almost see him, but not quite!
Years since Klaw had been apart of a war…….. until now. Lol.
The use of the words “did not” kinda feel like a mouthful. I would use “didn’t” until you have a moment when you need to drive the point down, and then use “did not”
Oh man, I can see all sorts of bad going to happen. I like how this is going!
Chapter 3:
The protective leather armor for his wrists would be vambraces.
K, “hots summer weather” “hot uniform” maybe use a synonym in there?
Hmmm, so the girl is a soldier? I personally don’t like women in battle. It’s ugly. I have plenty more thoughts on that….. but i won’t make you listen to them. lol. This is more of a personal complaint/thought, not an edit.
Hmmm, Tyn and I both have a bad feeling about this…….
I’m starting to like Rour too! Lol
“Alan became glad he did not have…” that one’s rough also. I would say, “Alan was instantly glad” “Alan was glad” or something.
This is getting good! I am really liking this story!
Chapter 4:
So, why is Tyn not supposed to be able to use a blade? Just my biggest question at the moment, maybe you’ll answer that later on.
K, just the “did not” “do not” “would not” should not” thing. You might want to save that for later to give some force to a sentence. Right now it makes the reading go from a smooth flow to a little choppy. Every time I get into my flow it kinda jolts the rhythm. If you know what I mean. The rest of your style isn’t old enough for those word combos to fit in nicely.
Aw, poor Alan and Tyn. They almost made it! Now no one likes either of them, except Oliver. I sense he will like them for who, not what, they are.
Chapter 5:
Oof, no wonder Rour wouldn’t feel too friendly about Alan;’s wizzerdness
“Now she wondered if he really might give in a magic one day” There’s something wrong with this sentence. 😉
Oliver didn’t leave. Told ya. 😁
I don’t think this sounds very good. When a ruler has plans for you it normally doesn’t go well………..
Thats as far as I’ve gotten. I’ll keep those questions in mind as I go.
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
@ellette-giselle lol I understand why you don’t like women in battle (I imagine things can get rough for them), but uh, just a little disclaimer: A solid portion of the stories being written on here have some form of war, and many of them have both female and male characters fighting in them. I have a few myself. (But then again, my teams tend to be pretty messed up anyway compared to the semi-realistic ones you have in your stories.)
So yeah. I totally get why and I’m not trying to convince you to change your opinion or anything, just know that there are a lot of stories on KP that have that kinda thing if you’re not very comfortable with it.
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
Well, it’s not like I won’t read them or y’all are evil for writing them. I just don’t believe it’s right. That’s not to say that women need to be pussy cats or wilting violets, but there is a TONE out there for them to do besides killing each other in battle. Leave the fighting to the men. I am not against Women dispatchers, women field medics, etc. I also think women should be able to defend themselves and their children, (or the weak and helpless around them) I do martial arts, I shoot guns and will be conceal carrying in a few weeks, I also can fight with a staff and sword, (Though that’s not too useful these days, lol) I’m fast, I can ride horses, climb trees, apply CPR, place tourniquets, bandage wounds, drive ATVS (All in a skirt, lol). I’m not bragging, I’m just saying that I don’t think girls have to be helpless swooners who’s only line in a movie is their high-pitched scream! I just don’t think the women should be in battle. Men are called to lead, protect, and defend us. We are the weaker vessel, and if you have a problem with that, your problem is with God, not the person who just repeated His Words. We women should see that as a honor and a glory! God has created strong warriors to protect us! This does NOT mean men are more valuable. I do not place my diamond necklace in front of the plastic kid one I used to ware in order to protect it from thieves, weather, and little siblings. No, you do not use something more valuable to protect something less valuable! However, men are no less valuable either. We are each created by God. We bare is image. We were created for a specific role. The Men fight, protect, provide, and die for us. We women nourish, cherish, respect, raise our families, keep the home so that the fighters can return to a place of strengthening peace. We are strong, but our role is not to fight. God has given us a different place. Some of the most ugly movie scenes I have ever witnessed are ones with women fighting. A lot of people are so used to it and are ok with it because it’s what culture says is the norm and we MUST except it or else! But inside, i think many of us can feel the disgust and revulsion because it’s wrong! It’s not what God created us to do, any more then God created the men to stay at home and the women to win the bread and provide for the family.
As I said again, I’m not going to not read y’all’s stuff. I just don’t agree with women in battle. @linus-smallprint is fully welcome to change it if he wants, or he can leave it. It’s his book, his story, and I’ll leave my hands off. Like I said in my notes, that’s a personal conviction.
Anyhow, I hope nothing I said was said harshly. Forgive me if it came across in a harsh way.
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
Hmmm, so the girl is a soldier? I personally don’t like women in battle. It’s ugly. I have plenty more thoughts on that….. but i won’t make you listen to them. lol. This is more of a personal complaint/thought, not an edit.
Seems I have hit a controversial topic here. This is something that my brother has given me grief for in this story Personally, I agree with Ellette. God has made men to lead and protect women.
So why do I have Tyn join the army and become a soldier? This is less about what I believe and more about setting up the culture and society in this world. I do not agree with everything Klaw supports, which will become apparent as the story continues. There are a few reasons why things are this way.
- Lyens believe themselves to be the superior race. Before they grant special privileges to any race, (such as being part of the army), they would first make sure all lyens had access to this privilege, whether male or female. When this privilege is opened up to other races, then the females of that race are allowed to have it as well. Most, if not all, lyen countries other than Klaw have armies that are made purely from male lyens.
- Klaw’s army is less than an army and more of a glorified police force. The country has not been part of a war for a long time and the current king has no plan to join any. Naturally, their army has grown more lax. If put in a war, Klaw’s undisciplined army would likely lose.
- Klaw’s society is a reflection of our own Western culture in current times (even though this world is only in its 19th century). You may have noticed that it is about diversity and inclusiveness, which is currently working to Alan’s advantage, but you may see some problems later on. (This is not the focus of my story, which is why I say ‘may’)
So since Klaw does allow females, some females like Tyn would join, just as females have joined the Canadian and American armies. [Spoiler alert: Tyn still does have a long journey in front of her, but in the end, it will be more in line with what the Bible teaches. One I hope both of you will find more palatable.]
Another thing to keep in mind right now as you read is I have yet to get into Christian themes. If you have read everything I have posted, only two characters are Christians, though Christians are called something else in this world (I will leave it up to you right now to figure out what the Christians are called and who the two saved characters are). Right now, Alan and Tyn are trying to solve their problems with worldly wisdom. Notice how Alan is trying to redeem himself through glorification of self. Right now, the story is less about showing what is good and more about setting up the characters and showing how they come to find the truth.
Thank you both for sharing your concerns. I also understand if you disagree with me.
Thank you for the detailed feedback! I has good grammers, eh?
spinach? Oh man, I am laughing so hard! I mean, what a way to start a story after that prologue! You have defiantly got me hooked, just because I can’t imagine where you are going with spinach! Haha! You obviously have a good sense of humor!
Ok, I’ll keep reading.I was sitting there, staring at the blank page trying to figure out how to start the book. For some reason, the word ‘spinach’ was the only thing that would come to mind, so I decided to go with it.
I like where this is going! I would love to see drawings of these characters! Do you plan on doing your own illustrations?
I will go fetch some when I am done with this. Some of these are outdated though. I’m too much of a perfectionist, so all my recent attempts at drawing Alan have not satisfied me. And yes, I do plan to do my own illustrations (which will probably bring Wingfeather to mind even more, because my style is similar to Joe Sutphin’s, just a little more realistic and mature (by mature, I mean I don’t intentionally make any characters look cute)).
The protective leather armor for his wrists would be vambraces.
Ah, I was wondering what those were called. Thanks!
I’m starting to like Rour too! Lol
You still like him?
So, why is Tyn not supposed to be able to use a blade? Just my biggest question at the moment, maybe you’ll answer that later on.
Was this question answered for you? I don’t want to tell you the answer because I am hoping my story communicates this properly.
Oliver didn’t leave. Told ya.
My sister and I have always liked the idea of a friendly lizard man for whatever reason, so I had to include one in this story.
I don’t think this sounds very good. When a ruler has plans for you it normally doesn’t go well………..
You are on to me.
This was helpful. I better work on my grammar. Thanks again!
@ellette-giselle @keilah-h @loopylin @stephie @theshadow @savannah_grace2009 (I know you are taking a break from Kingdome Pen, Sara, so I will just tag you this final time until you return)
Since Wyoh or whatever we are calling the creature that is currently devouring images is on the loose, I will share images of my characters through other means.
Here is a link to a Google photo album containing illustrations of some of the characters in this book. I will add more as I go, so check back on it every once in a while.
Also, this is going to reveal my secret identity… my real name…
Whatever, I don’t really care.
Also, this may give you the option to join this album. I tried to turn that off. Please ignore that and do not add any images.
I will add illustrations of all the non-human races I have created as well.
ah, I’m glad we’re on the same page. I was afraid I was going to get a lot of flack. lol. Tell your brother great job for standing up for something like that in an unpopular time. (You too, as long as he and I are both satisfied by the end. lol.)
Oooo, I love the drawings! They do look a little wingfeatherish. They’re quite good.
Do I still like Rour? Hmm, I sympathies, but I’ll have to see what I think.
I still have not gotten around to any more reading. We are cutting out our wall because of black mold so we are having a big project, and my 18th birthday is coming up in less then two weeks! So yeah, hectic.
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
ah, I’m glad we’re on the same page. I was afraid I was going to get a lot of flack. lol. Tell your brother great job for standing up for something like that in an unpopular time. (You too, as long as he and I are both satisfied by the end. lol.)
Oooo, I love the drawings! They do look a little wingfeatherish. They’re quite good.
Do I still like Rour? Hmm, I sympathies, but I’ll have to see what I think.
Ah, I was wondering what those were called. Thanks!
I happen to be a medieval nerd, so I can help with any of that if you want.lol
I has good grammers, eh?
Well, I guess grammar is some of it, some is just sentence structure and some is use of words. One thing that can be helpful is if you A. have someone read your chapter aloud to you. (That’s the best choice) or B. read it aloud to someone or even yourself. Your mind fills in less blanks when you read aloud.
Was this question answered for you? I don’t want to tell you the answer because I am hoping my story communicates this properly.
Fairly well. What I’m getting is that the dear instict makes them run….. but why would it not do that to archers. I would think being an archer would be worse, especially with return fire. I mean, I don’t know about you, but (guns aside) I tend to hunt dear with a bow, not a sword. So wouldn’t arrows trigger that way faster then a sword would? Just a thought.
I still have not gotten around to any more reading. We are cutting out our wall because of black mold so we are having a big project, and my 18th birthday is coming up in less then two weeks! So yeah, hectic.
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
(You too, as long as he and I are both satisfied by the end. lol.)
Heh heh. I’ll try.
Oooo, I love the drawings! They do look a little wingfeatherish. They’re quite good.
Thank you!
Fairly well. What I’m getting is that the dear instict makes them run….. but why would it not do that to archers. I would think being an archer would be worse, especially with return fire. I mean, I don’t know about you, but (guns aside) I tend to hunt dear with a bow, not a sword. So wouldn’t arrows trigger that way faster then a sword would? Just a thought.
Ah. My thought process was that even though I like swords better, I would be more confident with a bow, fighting at a distance, when I could duck behind a wall if need be. So I guess what really would be the case is that their instincts act up when they think they are in danger. If they feel more secure, they are able to control themselves more, even if they really are in more danger.
I still have not gotten around to any more reading. We are cutting out our wall because of black mold so we are having a big project, and my 18th birthday is coming up in less then two weeks! So yeah, hectic.
Okay. I hope you are able to deal with that mould and that your 18th birthday goes well. Happy early birthday to you! Does this mean less LTBL as well?
So I guess what really would be the case is that their instincts act up when they think they are in danger. If they feel more secure, they are able to control themselves more, even if they really are in more danger.
Ah, I see.
Okay. I hope you are able to deal with that mould and that your 18th birthday goes well. Happy early birthday to you!
Yeah, I hope we can to!
Thank you so much!
Does this mean less LTBL as well?
Well, I actually kinda got hesitant about sharing it because I might have lost confidence in it being any good at all…….. I felt like the whole point of the story was being lost because of the other places that I was falling short. Do you think that’s true?
I have more to submit if you want me to.
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
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