- This topic has 68 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 6 months, 2 weeks ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Don’t worry—we all have real names too! (At least, I would think so 👀)
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of Books👀
It's harder to make a square evil than it is a triangle.
Annoying side character of the KP cast.
BWAHAHA we know your name, now we can hack you! hehe
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333@hybridlore @jonas @highscribeofaetherium @kyronthearcanin @savannah_grace2009 @kathleenramm @spinner4him @lightoverdarkness6
(Uhhh, has anyone noticed that @sarafini has vanished? All her past posts say anonymous now… Did she just leave?)
Ok, here’s the third chapter! It may be the last I post of it for a while if at all, but we’ll see!
“Did you know that the food from the Wraith maintains the highest standard in health protocol in order to extend the lives of its residents?” The little floating robot asked, not two lengths since its last comment as we made our way down corridors it indicated. Again, I ignored the irony.
“Tell me more.” I said, giving in to the one sided discussion. If my life is really in the level of danger I’ve been told, I need to conserve my energy. Or do I? What would I be conserving for?
“Yes, the Observers make sure that every resident has the optimum experience here.”
“Why care? We’re already determined to be dead, right?”
“Oh, we’re here!” It said. A large triangular door kept us from whatever waited inside. Why did I need to come?
The robot ascended to a small section of the ceiling that held a cavity it fit into perfectly. The ceiled entrance was unveiled within an instant.
A new world pressed against my skin. Close to the feeling of a cold gust of wind creeping through layers of clothing, like unwelcome fingers caressing the body.
The stench of plastic reawakened, melded into an odor of decay. Forms of all shapes and sizes crept, dragged, and limped across the scene.
One looked toward me. Instinctive fear pinched me. Its back was arched and lopsided, the left leg nonexistent. However its disfigured arms fixed the issue. The left was so massive it lay on the ground, holding the beast up with the remaining leg. Its face looked as though it’s been crushed on one side. Wrinkled and torn, like a crumpled piece of paper.
But its eyes… those lonely, impaling eyes. Those eyes pierced me with almost complete indifference, yet you could feel them speak… I’m human. Perhaps, the creature was only once truly human. What watched me now was something else entirely… except those eyes. They looked numb. Strange scars and wrinkles littered around them, sagged lines highlighted them. But it was there, little though it was, there was humanity.
I’ve seen victims before, usually unconscious. The contorted bodies bore a familiarity because of that, but to see so many extreme caricatures all at once…
“Ohhh, I get it!” The robot chirped, “You must be here to meet with your fellow residents! Did you know that being part of a social system greatly increases mental and physical welfare?”
Shock of the scene made it difficult to process the robot’s words. “You mean… these are my peers? Why have I not been reshaped to the same degree?”
“You are equally fortunate. Few survive phantom attacks. Almost all go under some form of disfiguration, some more than others, but the change of mental state always bears the same trauma.”
Fortunate? I guess you could say I was fortunate in comparison to these… individuals?
I hesitated on the thought of ‘individual’, when I saw what looked to be a three headed mythical creature. Three people were taken and merged when they were brought back. I shuddered. Looking around the scene more, I noticed there were indeed more human formed figures, though equally pitiful. There were also many little floating robots buzzing around them.
“Let’s go talk to some of them!” It said, little arms extended from the robot, childishly tugging on my arm to no avail. I turned around, only to see that the entrance I came from somehow was no longer present. So I finally gave in to the prodding to move forward.
Something grabbed my hand. I spun to see a tiny, frail, bald man. He was covered in strange tumorous bumps like a disease. His eyes were abnormally large, but they seemed distant, hardly seeming to notice I was there, yet clenching my hand with a fragile grip. “TheySeeMe They’reInMe TheyAreMe. TheySeeMe They’reInMe TheyAreMe.” He continually uttered. I tried to pull away, but the grip tightened, and his eyes locked onto me, as if he noticed me for the first time, he grabbed me at my collar, barely gripping it from his height. “THEY SEE ME!” I pushed him away. His eyes became distant again. “TheySeeMe They’reInMe TheyAreMe…” He continued in a loop.
I left him, finding a lone table. The robot seemed confused. “Don’t you want to meet your fellow wraiths? That one seemed nice. He employed physical contact. Did you know that physical contact is a vital aspect of human social health? Oh, you must have forgotten when I said ‘Did you know that being part of a social system greatly increases mental and physical welfare?’ I’ll repeat it so you can remember then: ‘Did you know that being part of… ”
“That’s alright.” I said quickly.
Perhaps engaging would be useful. I might be able to gain information from some of them, maybe a way out. I glanced back at the old man. If any of them are even cognitively present. I remained seated. The Observers required me to be here, why? I Waited, watching for anything that could give away their purposes. It was hard, with the number of traumatized bodies warped with pain limping around me. My stomach twisted as another looked right at me. He was far more regular in figure, but seemed to have a few extra fingers on one hand, and not enough on the other. He looked away. Everyone seemed to keep to themselves for the most part. Those who clustered seemed to be of similar physical forms, like children forming cliques.
“Hello, my companion says ‘Hello, you must be new’” I turned, and saw a woman who seemed to be coated in strange streaky wrinkles, beside her was another robot hovering. The robot looked over at the woman, who proceeded to move her fingers in some kind of pattern. The robot nodded. “My companion says ‘I am wraith 1424, and this is my companion, 126-1424R, but you can call me Yiipa, and my friend, Ria. And you are?’”
I wasn’t sure how to react, was she really mute, and why come speak with me? “I’m Tailen… wait, so who’s Yiipa and who’s Ria? How could you tell I’m new? This place is highly populated.”
The woman, Yiipa… I think, seemed to frown, then move her fingers in that pattern again. What code was she using, was it a form of Thahz, or something else? “My companion says ‘No formality I see, not only do you ignore your wraith name, but you ignore your companion, cutting straight to the point. Very well, I can see it in you, you’ve clearly seen many painful suns, even before some… particular experiences you’ve must have had recently, but you are still determined, a rare trait amongst those who have been here not much longer than you have.’”
“I don’t believe in fortunes, why are you speaking to me?”
Yiipa continued to frown, then smiled, letting her fingers dance, ‘No manners at all, well, what’s wrong with a simple welcome, and who said anything about a fortune? The poor boy is clearly confused. Can’t tell his friends from foes, nor his luck from his own work.’
“What? What does luck have to do with anything?”
‘You speak of no fortune, but was it not fortune that brought you here?’
“Enough with the philosophy, why are you here?”
She sighed, fingered, ‘I am looking for someone, someone who…’ the voice died out, and the robot, Ria, seemed to shut down, slowly falling to the floor like a feather. Yiipa’s face turned red. I studied her in that moment of emotional exposure. The wrinkles threw me off I realized, causing me to think she was Grand-lengths my senior. Her language indicated the same, yet getting a closer look, she could have been younger than I was. She picked her robot up, and stormed off.
“Well that was weird… I like her!” The little robot beside me chirped. “You’re not ignoring me like she said, right? You’re just… oh, you must be making jokes! Hahahahaha, you’re so funny.”
“Sure…” what a strange encounter, what was she going to say, what even happened?
“Are you going to name me?”
“Huh, what?”
“Name me, like her. She named her companion Ria. Likely because of the R at the end of her number. You could do the same, my number is 137-1618Z, so what if you called me Zia, or maybe just Z?”
Memories pierced my mind, Zainya weeping, the water seeping from her eyes. Those eyes looking into mine. Pain compressing my chest, knowing what I’ve done. “No! You will not be called that.”
“Oh… ok… my apologies, is there anything else you would like to call me instead?”
I didn’t have time for this “…Thing, I’ll call you Thing.” The robot paused.
“Hmm, Thing… Definition: ‘A general reference that can be applied to any subject’, hmm, that fits me perfectly! I am a subject that you can make references to! Thank you, thank you!” The robot spun around me. “Thing, Thing! I am named Thing!” I wasn’t completely surprised by the reaction, but I was… well, I was surprised. “Did you know that names create stronger mental attachment to things? Hey that’s my name, Thing! Wait, did I make a joke? Ha ha ha ha, this is so fun!”
“…Sure… uh, I think I’m done with… well, whatever happened here.” I began to get up to leave.
“Wait, we’re not supposed to go yet, lunch isn’t over!”
“Well, when is it over?”
“In 2 semi-lengths.”
“What am I supposed to do with that time?” A loud beep sounded, I turned and saw a sleek clean stage flush to the wall where the entrance once was now apparent. I gawked, confused by how the sight could come into fruition. A line of clean faced men and women in white cloaks stood stone faced along the back. Now watching, I saw… a globulent mass… appear from the floor of the stage. Unmelting was the only term that seemed to make any sense, though the word sounded nonsensical; not as much as the sight. The mass quickly took a crisp shape, a podium. A clean faced man with glasses, the same one I met before, walked up to the stand, not a hint of hesitation as he lay his hands upon the now fully materialized surface.
“It’s always wonderful to observe all your lovely faces…” he began, “… I do truly hope the Wraith has felt safe and comforting for all spirits still attached to this realm.” He sounded depressed. That same lack of any tone, but he seemed to stretch and stress specific words to sound more genuine… it wasn’t working. “I hope not to take too much of your time today, but there are a few things to announce…”
It felt odd to see a man speak so robotically, yet here next to me, an actual robot they made, showed the most emotion I’ve seen here, annoying as it may be. Why?
“Who is this guy?” I asked.
“Who do you make reference to? There are many ‘guys’ in this room, including yourself. Ohh, did you mean yourself? You are Wraith 16… wait, didn’t we already have this conversation? Oh, you must have forgotten again. Though from a statistical standpoint, you’ve halted me from recalling the things you’ve forgotten. Perhaps you made reference to that ‘guy’ the next table over? He’s not in my catalog… maybe I could search him up… no, hmm, you couldn’t mean Observer Once, head Observer of the Wraith, currently giving the speech. The term ‘guy’ is below his rank, so you can’t mean him. Did you know that he would be referred to as a sir, or Ob.” I held back all commentary that filled my mind as Thing blabbered.
“Once? That’s an odd name, where’s Twice?” I finally let myself joke.
“Oh, Twice is is right there, next to Once’s seat, but Twice is a woman, so you can’t mean her.” Thing chirped back. “You should probably know about both of them anyways though. Wait! We should be listening, shhhh!” Thing finally finished, it was hard to hold back a glare.
“…and we never looked back since that beginning research. Though dead, your spirits have been kept in this realm by Uurn, to help us learn about the enemy. You are the secret to winning this War! Once you’ve served, Uurn will take you back himself. Remember, this is your purpose…” For a moment, he looked straight towards me “…You are the Wraith. That will be all.”
Once stepped away from the stand, taking a seat next to the others. Suddenly, they melted into spirals beyond comprehension, until they vanished completely, then the podium, then the stage, revealing the wall where the entrance was. All the warped figures turned back to their food.
Still gawking, I whispered “what… happened?”
“Observer Once gave a speech. Did you not hear it? I can recite it if you would like. He first said “It’s always wond…”
“No, that’s ok… maybe later actually. How did they all disappear like that?”“Ohhh, yes! Did you know that one of the various fields of study for the Observers is applying force vectors in different degrees of freedom then the three we apply daily?”
“… What…”
“Oh sorry, do I need to explain it again? Let me repeat myself: “Ohhh, yes! Did you know that…”
“No no, you don’t need to do that.” I said, teeth slightly gritting. “Just tell me where they went.”
“Oh, of course! Through learning and applying said study, the Observers have created technology that allows them and anything else they desire through these extra degrees of freedom to create extra spaces of travel. It removes many boundaries we find in 3 dimensional space, allowing you to get anywhere you need. So they are now in another room, likely in another plane parallel to ours. Or they could have moved to a room within our plane.”
“So… did they teleport?”
“What? Where did you get that idea? Did you know that you seem quite oblivious to this topic?”
You’re telling me. I had more questions, but held my tongue because Thing’s current track record hasn’t been the most helpful for answering them, other than explaining my inability to eat. Still though, how was I going to figure anything out here, it was like living inside a literal puzzle box.
‘You are the secret to winning this War’ Once’s words. He spoke of Uurn. Makes enough sense to talk about Law himself when addressing a bunch of dead people, but what was he going on about being preserved for this? The law must be fulfilled.
I thought of my previous resolve to escape, but I’ve condemned so many others to this place myself, believing it to be the greater good.
But I have to find Z…
I looked at my hands. They still bore the shape they always have. Calloused, but healthy. I’m not one of those things, I may be a victim, but I’m not yet a wraith. I can’t give up yet.
What could I do though? Yiipa was strange, but she seemed intelligent. What did she want? I tried to think if she or anyone else might know of a way out, or perhaps a way even to simply live. However my thoughts turned back to my sister.
That gunshot before I came here. Was she even alive?
__
“Go get your sister, and hide in the safe room.” My father said, like every time. I nodded and ran into the house.
Little Zayzay lay in her crib, I picked her up, then as instructed, I tediously layed a lid over the bed to make it appear as a table. I ran into the closet, then felt for the hidden rim that led to the bunker, all while Z was in my arms.
Leveling into the dark chamber, I always felt scared, but little Z never cried, she just had her eyes closed, asleep. Why does she not fear what may lurk in the dark? I sat down on a bench, and layed Z down, and waited. This was my least favorite part— waiting— patiently— alone… besides Z, but she wasn’t very entertaining.
I’ve always wondered what they talk about. I’ve only ever heard muffled conversation, even when I was daring enough to climb up and try to listen through the trap door. I’ve always wanted to open it to see what’s going on, but it’s always been too scary.
I looked down at my sister, she was calm, breathing, as if nothing was wrong. Was she really not afraid, would she simply climb up and open the hatch if she could?
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
(Uhhh, has anyone noticed that @sarafini has vanished? All her past posts say anonymous now… Did she just leave?)
Yes! I was hoping she didn’t leave….maybe she got her account deleted or smthn?
I like this chapter! My favorite part was how happy the robot got when he named her “Thing”. that was great!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333(Uhhh, has anyone noticed that @sarafini has vanished? All her past posts say anonymous now… Did she just leave?)
I didn’t notice that before, but I went back and looked, and yeah. I guess she’s not on the forum anymore?
Great chapter! The bounce between present and past tense was very confusing, though. Were the parts in present tense Tailen talking to himself in his head? Were those supposed to be in italics?
Thing’s excitement when Tailen gave her a name was just 👌
It's harder to make a square evil than it is a triangle.
Annoying side character of the KP cast.
(Uhhh, has anyone noticed that @sarafini has vanished? All her past posts say anonymous now…Did she just leave?)
I did notice a bunch of posts that said anonymous.
This chapter is good too. I don’t have much feedback right now. I noticed one misspelling:
The robot ascended to a small section of the ceiling that held a cavity it fit into perfectly. The ceiled entrance was unveiled within an instant.
It should be ‘sealed’ instead of ‘ceiled.’
And then in this part:
“Once? That’s an odd name, where’s Twice?” I finally let myself joke.
“Oh, Twice is is right there, next to Once’s seat, but Twice is a woman, so you can’t mean her.”
Tailen didn’t attach a pronoun to ‘Twice,’ so why did Thing respond as though he had labeled Twice as male? (Also, you have an extra ‘is’ there.)
And like everyone else said, him naming Thing was really good. She reacted so happily to a name that is honestly pretty cruel.
Anyway, that’s all for now. I might have some more feedback later when I can look at it more closely.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksYeah, it’s odd. She wanted me to help her prep for NaNoWriMo:(
I like this chapter! My favorite part was how happy the robot got when he named her “Thing”. that was great!
Lol! Thanks! I’m glad it seems to be producing an enjoyable dynamic between the two😂
Great chapter! The bounce between present and past tense was very confusing, though. Were the parts in present tense Tailen talking to himself in his head? Were those supposed to be in italics?
Oh, good question, perhaps I may have been unknowingly alternating? Tailen does think to himself a lot, but I haven’t been thinking about it in terms of past and present. I don’t really pay attention to consistency of tense as much as I probably should, I just write what sounds right in my head. Could you give a particular example?
Thing’s excitement when Tailen gave her a name was just 👌
Yes, it’s a favorite part of mine🤣
This chapter is good too. I don’t have much feedback right now. I noticed one misspelling:
Whoops, thanks😅
Tailen didn’t attach a pronoun to ‘Twice,’ so why did Thing respond as though he had labeled Twice as male? (Also, you have an extra ‘is’ there.)
Thanks for catching the ‘is’. Thing pointed out the gender because Tailen asked “who is this guy” and she was still contemplating on who he meant, she didn’t stop at Once because Tailen obviously couldn’t have meant him😂 Do I need to make that more obvious?
And like everyone else said, him naming Thing was really good. She reacted so happily to a name that is honestly pretty cruel.
Yeah, their relationship will grow over time, and she will be given a proper name eventually, though I am actually quite attached to the name Thing now after so long😆
Anyway, that’s all for now. I might have some more feedback later when I can look at it more closely.
Sounds good! I look forward to what you have to say!
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
Thanks for catching the ‘is’. Thing pointed out the gender because Tailen asked “who is this guy” and she was still contemplating on who he meant, she didn’t stop at Once because Tailen obviously couldn’t have meant him😂 Do I need to make that more obvious?
Okay, that’s kind of what I was thinking. I don’t know if it needs to be clearer or not. I don’t know how many other people would notice, and I already had a guess as to why. So maybe rewording it slightly would clear things up.
Yeah, their relationship will grow over time, and she will be given a proper name eventually, though I am actually quite attached to the name Thing now after so long😆
If you’re attached to it, I don’t think it needs to change at any point. It’s cruel because it is literally the most generic word there is and conveys practically no meaning, but I think that the way she accepts it anyway is really cool. She takes the name that has no real meaning and makes it her own, so I don’t know that it needs to be “fixed.” You could have Tailen feel guilty about it eventually and offer to change it, but I feel that it would be strange of her to want it changed, since she shows no misgivings at all at first and is on the contrary, quite thrilled.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksAlso, personally, I find it awkward when a character’s name changes part way through, so I honestly think there’s no reason to change it. Obviously I don’t know the whole story, so there might be a reason to do it eventually, but for now that’s what I think.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksSure. Let’s see…here, I found this paragraph especially confusing:
You’re telling me. I had more questions, but held my tongue because Thing’s current track record hasn’t been the most helpful for answering them, other than explaining my inability to eat.
And there were a couple other spots where it switches to present tense like here:
If my life is really in the level of danger I’ve been told, I need to conserve my energy. Or do I? What would I be conserving for?
And then later here:
But I have to find Z…
(I read this sentence as Tailen thinking to himself, which would make sense being in present tense. If that’s the case, italicizing it would be a helpful indicator)
There may have been a couple other spots, but those ones stood out the most to me.
It's harder to make a square evil than it is a triangle.
Annoying side character of the KP cast.
I think those are the results of this being first-person. Using italics would actually be kind of weird, so you might have to actually write ‘I thought’ for each one.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksOkay, that’s kind of what I was thinking. I don’t know if it needs to be clearer or not. I don’t know how many other people would notice, and I already had a guess as to why. So maybe rewording it slightly would clear things up.
Ok, fair enough, I’ll tweak it then.
If you’re attached to it, I don’t think it needs to change at any point. It’s cruel because it is literally the most generic word there is and conveys practically no meaning, but I think that the way she accepts it anyway is really cool. She takes the name that has no real meaning and makes it her own, so I don’t know that it needs to be “fixed.” You could have Tailen feel guilty about it eventually and offer to change it, but I feel that it would be strange of her to want it changed, since she shows no misgivings at all at first and is on the contrary, quite thrilled.
Yeah, that’s how I’ve thought about it, many people I’ve talked to say that I should change it eventually because it’s just too cruel, but I do agree with what your saying. We’ll have to see. I was thinking that an alternate name could be something like Thiah, which would bear the meaning ‘a wonder’ in T’uvyen. I’m still not sure, I might have drafts both ways, and one will feel more right to me by then.
Also, personally, I find it awkward when a character’s name changes part way through, so I honestly think there’s no reason to change it. Obviously I don’t know the whole story, so there might be a reason to do it eventually, but for now that’s what I think.
Very true. If it does change, it would be more for Tailen’s benefit than Thing’s, so perhaps that’s reason enough not to do it, as it wouldn’t add to her character as much, though it could.
Hmmm, yeah, I feel like that’s just the way I write 1st person for some reason. I could say things like ‘I thought’ and stuff, but if feels redundant to me. I do italicize some of his thoughts, but only some. His regular train of thought I leave alone, but a key moment of introspection I will italicize, forming a weird dual thought process, but it’s what feels right and natural to me, because it shows the messiness of the mind. Perhaps I should change it, but it’s my artist’s preference. I think parts of the first and last ones you mentioned were supposed to be italicized though.
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
That’s fair. If it feels natural to you, than I’d say leave it, as long as it isn’t creating weird jarring breaks that throw the reader out of the story, which I don’t think it is, except for here:
You’re telling me.
Where I had to pause for a moment and reread it. I’m still not sure if I understand this line 😂
Anyway, I think it’s fine. Nobody else has mentioned it as throwing them off, so that’s probably me. And this, ofc, is my opinion, which is usually wrong lol. I do have this weird bias against present tense 😅
It's harder to make a square evil than it is a triangle.
Annoying side character of the KP cast.
@thearcaneaxiom @highscribeofaetherium
Okay, so I think the problem is that those sentences are supposed to be his thoughts, but since we’re in first-person narration, we’re already inside his head. The difference is that those are things he was thinking then as opposed to now when he’s narrating the story.
I’m not sure if there’s a good way to deal with that, but it is a little odd sounding sometimes. Italicizing it won’t hurt, so that’s my best idea.
This sentence is one of the weirder ones.
You’re telling me. I had more questions, but held my tongue because Thing’s current track record hasn’t been the most helpful for answering them, other than explaining my inability to eat.
The first sentence is something Tailen is thinking, so it makes sense to be in present tense. (You could italicize it to make it clearer.) But the second sentence is not him thinking, it’s the narrator (also Tailen) telling us why he didn’t say anything, so it should be past tense.
So I think if a sentence is Tailen the narrator speaking (most of it) then you should put it in past tense. If it’s Tailen the character, it should be in present tense, and italicized if you want to do that.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of Books
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
