- This topic has 71 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 5 months, 1 week ago by
.
-
Posts
-
- Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
- Total Posts: 692
Um… I’ll have to give those some thought, as for the thread question, it might be nice for you and others if we move since this is for your book critiques. 🙂 😉
Woah! This is super intriguing! And confusing, like the others said. Tag me if you post anymore about it!
“You’re heavier than you look.”
“It’s all brains and muscle.”@hybridlore @jonas @highscribeofaetherium @kyronthearcanin @savannah_grace2009 @kathleenramm @sarafini
Alright, I might as well post the second chapter now. I’m not entirely sure about this one, and I think it needs to be a bit longer, but it helps clear up a bit of the fog from the first chapter, at least I hope so. Can’t wait to hear y’all’s thoughts!
Also, the beginning scene isn’t too scary, but it might be unnerving, I’m not sure how to meter these sort of things.
Chapter 2:
Strange tall motionless figures watched me… trees, I was in a forest. I wandered along a trail made of green grass… real grass. I knelt down for closer examination. They were like a thousand daggers, an army marching to war, but they were soft and gentle, like the fur of a baby mithi, cradled in its burrow. And that green, that deep green they all shared.
I watched that green, the clean, pure color of innocent life— it began to darken, the sun faded, the grass decayed. Something new watched me, no, things were watching me, they prowled across the ground barely out of view. Growls, and sneers noised about when they finally came out of the shadows, they were shadows, black blankets of abyss, crawling towards me, hissing. I had no way of escape, I had no vision for an exit of these hateful things as they drew ever closer. I fell on my back, as one crept forward. Its figure seemed to spiral into smaller embedded spirals in random chaotic ways that felt wrong. It began to make a twisted laughing noise, I felt fluid in my ear begin to curdle at the sound.
This was it, I was over— a great white blur appeared, pouncing upon the black hole that was the creature. I Watched astonished as it took form in my sight, a far more tangible creature, with claws tearing apart the previous foe. The horrible scene seemed to scare off the others.
… I’m… saved?
The creature of white began to make a sound of overlapping screeching and howling. It turned a hateful eye toward me. It looked like a corpse, its chest caved in, revealing twisted, warped ribs. Legs uncannily skinny. Jagged teeth grinded against one another to unveil a gaping maw of pure black— blacker than even the hateful creatures of abyss. It was a void of complete doom. It made a final snarling, I could hear something in that snarl. But it was too quiet to hear.
The beast pounced, and everything was darkness…
***
My senses flared as a knife of consciousness struck me. My eyes dotted across a new scene. Still a painfully bright white everywhere, and the same strange smell of burnt plastic. Blurry motions of figures flew by.
A voice sounded… it was the same alive yet hollow voice from before, but now, it had a face. “It’s official 1618, welcome to the Wraith” a man peered through the smudges of my vision as they cleared. His face was youthful, clean, smooth, not a sight of caleouses or dirt. It looked wrong. The only sign of detail was a pair of glasses. “Your results are complete, you are now diagnosed with reflection. Your companion will answer any question you ask now, but you no longer have to worry 1618, you are in the Wraith where you’re safe.”
I felt weakness envelop my body, it was stronger than before. I still haven’t eaten. “Who… or what is my companion?” I asked, while trying to feel for the fruit from before, it was still there.
“You are safe 1618, your companion will answer everything, this way please.” he pointed towards a corridor.
I made a poor attempt to get up, the weakness was still diminishing my legs, but eventually I managed to get up. I looked down the hallway, still the bright white. I took a few heavy steps, looked back at the unnaturally clean man. He nodded. Then, reluctantly, I continued down the hallway.
At the end of the corridor, there was a room with a triangular entrance. I proceeded. The entryway shut behind; I jumped. The door seemed to seal perfectly, no clue to an entrance. The room looked similar to the previous, but a bit more rectangular, and…
“Hi!” a loud voice sounded. I once again found no origin to the voice. It was feminine, but robotic. “I am so thrilled to meet you 1618, what can I do for you? I have a variety of features, I can tell you anything, did you know that the suns, Dat’eyan and Yirram only give the appearance of orbit because they form an extra dimensional double helix passing through the void?”
“…”
“Oh, do you not speak T’uvyen? I’m fluent in 127 languages, Jalvik maybe? Kig rej rakalek hu? Oh, of course, my audio must not be loud enough, KIG REJ RAKALEK HU! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!”
My ears began to ring, “I can hear you fine!” I shouted “you can turn it down a bit”.
“Oh yay! You can hear me, and you speak T’uvyen wonderfully, did you know T’uvyen is actually rooted from yelek, but T’uvyen script is actually rooted from…”
“You can speak a little louder than that.”
“Oh, does this audio level work? Did you know that noise is a fundamental particle that is emitted when some physical structure becomes active, until it reaches your ear, then being perceived as sound?”
“Slow down! Who… What are you?” I asked, surprised at myself, I felt like punching a wall.
“Oh, of course, my apologies, I am 137-1618Z” the voice said “I am your companion, made to answer any questions, and give support whenever needed. I’m designed to have a personality that is compatible with yours.”
“… You’re supposed to be my most compatible personality?” I said in disbelief. What kind of torture is this?
“Correct! Did you know that the technology to make me compatible is of the highest degree of engineering, and only needs a blood sample?”
“Wait, so that’s what that was for?”
“Correct! Partially. Did you know that the sample is actually used for a variety of things such as diagnosis, and identification.”
“Could you please just tell me what’s going on here?”
“Oh, of course, I give my greatest apologies… Tailen Delz has passed away, time of death: 85th mid 2nd-sun, 7th grand-length of the War. His wraith, 1618, is now a…”
“But I’m right here, I’m alive!” I tugged at the skin of my arm, feeling my flesh, feeling the present pulse of blood in the vain.
“Biologically yes…, however your presence in the void has given you reflection, and therefore, you will not live much longer, thus Tailen Delz is already declared as dead.”
“What do you mean I won’t live much longer? What’s reflection?”
“When you have entered the void, you went into a process of being rotated in hyperspace, such that you’ve become your mirror image.” It made sense… I don’t understand why it did, but I was there, I felt it.
“…But… why is that deadly?”
“… OH, I’m so glad you asked! Did you know that much of the nutrition you consume has a property called charaility? And did you know that charaility is a property where all said nutrition has a mirror opposite, however all life in the biosphere has evolved to one unique charaility in order to optimize efficiency? Therefore any organism that has been reflected cannot gain anything from consuming anything else within the biosphere, including taste!”
I thought for a moment, “I think you lost me… wait, I can’t taste?” I felt the fruit in my pocket. I took it out and let my finger skim over the marble surface, the bite mark from earlier was white tainted with brown. Is it still worth eating?
“Oh! You’ve found a Viam! Did you know that the viam fruit is one of the few plants that has survived the harsh climate since the War, though only through extreme external care given only by the most wealthy classes. Oh, and did you know it’s known for its potency in flavor?”
Biting back a comment on the irony of its final thought, I put the fruit back. “Is this it then? …I’m stuck here… until… until… how long do I have?”
“You have approximately 27 1st suns, the time scale equivalent to starvation, but for now, you are a wraith.”
“But why? Why keep me alive when I’m now hopeless.”
“…”
“Why?” I demanded.
“…I… am not entirely sure. Now processing it myself, it doesn’t seem very practical… hmm, well, I guess we’ll find out together!”
“You mean you really don’t know? Aren’t you meant to know everything here?”
“Oh, not at all. Did you know that my intelligence is only given information that the Observers allow me to have?”
A low, vibrating sound manifested, seemingly from everywhere. I looked around trying to find the source. “Oh, it is time for lunch, you may enter this corridor to find the dining hall,” it said. The entrance from before appeared behind me.
“Wait, but, there’s no point in me eating anything anymore, right?” I had to ask, though I felt my stomach grumble.
“…Hmm, my processing agrees with your logic, but my command says that you need to go to lunch. Hmm, I guess we’ll find out why together!” The sound of the voice suddenly collapsed to a single source behind me.
I spun, and jumped to see a little toy-like android, it was of a design I’ve never seen. It was white with a slight suggestion of feminine figure. She— er— it just had blue eyes on a screen for a face. The overall appearance looked way too… cheerful…
“What… are you?” I managed to say, how did it manage to hover in mid air?
“I’m your companion, 137-1618Z, didn’t we already go through this, ohhh, of course, your mental capacity to retain memory must be flawed. Allow me to catch you up on our past conversation, first I said “Hi” then you looked around as if confused, and then…”
“I know what happened!” I almost yelled, I was beginning to get a headache.
“Oh, I give my utmost apologies.” It said, sounding a little less ecstatic for the first time. “Could you elaborate on your question?”
“Nevermind… wait, so you’re coming too?” I asked, apprehensive. The thought of this constant companionship for the rest of my suns didn’t sound too exciting.
“Yeah! Then we can find out what your purposes are at lunch!” It said, eagerness returning.
I looked at the door. The rest of my suns? No, I won’t live like that, I’ll decide how this goes. I paused, thoughtful of my determination. I’ll play along with these games for now, but I’m not going to let some peppy robot tell me when and how I’ll die. Tailen Delz is not dead, but if he dies, he dies his way.
“Yes” I said, feeling a new sense of will “Let’s find out together.”
—
I grasped the rock, my new treasure, hoping to ease the fear of only what had given my Viida such a face, They were coming.
I could see them in the distance, three men, black hoods up with their heads down. They always came, but my parents never told me who they were…
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
@anyone
So I’ve been working on the cover for Lucid. I thought I was happy with what I had already made, but recently decided to show a little bit more of the cereal nature of this story.
So I’ll post the old and new one:
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
Which do y’all prefer? Perhaps I could even made the integrate the title in the reflective design?
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
Both look cool, but I like the second better. The first one was your profile pic before right? Maybe it goes against the design, but some color might help? You could just tint the gray parts blue or some other color.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksI really like the chapter! You did really well explaining things, but not info-dumping. One question, though, if Tailen is going to starve to death, wouldn’t he die of dehydration first? Or was that explained and I just missed it?
As for the covers, the first one is simpler, which might be good, but the other one is cool too. Not very helpful, I know 😂 maybe other people will have for useful feedback.
Any noun can become a verb if you don't care enough.
I just read through the second chapter, and I really like it! How do you come up with these ideas? I could never, lol. I’m having problems just coming up with a simple magic system, haha.
Great work! Also, I like the second cover, because it shows the “reflection” thing that Talien was diagnosed with and I like the theme/design as well. How did you make the cover?
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Sorry, I’ve been offline for the past day or two.
Both look cool, but I like the second better. The first one was your profile pic before right? Maybe it goes against the design, but some color might help? You could just tint the gray parts blue or some other color.
Yeah, it was my profile picture for a while, it’s one of my favorite mist-like designs I’ve made, and I decided that it would look cool on a book cover, and it was the perfect shape for a profile. The one I’m using right now I made grey like the others, but I modified it with a bit of color, so I could definitely add that to the cover, but I would keep it to a minimum of perhaps a few high contrast points to maintain the eerie effect. Is there perhaps any other ways I could reflect the, well, reflection in the story that you think would be cool? My sister things I should make it a mirror room, making an infinite mirror effect.
I really like the chapter! You did really well explaining things, but not info-dumping. One question, though, if Tailen is going to starve to death, wouldn’t he die of dehydration first? Or was that explained and I just missed it?
Thanks! One question though, would you say that the robot might be too annoying, or the right amount? Because she’s going to become a prevalent character. I want her irritating for Tailen, but only funny and sweet for the readers.
Great question! Water is non-chiral, because it has a bilateral symmetry in the H2O Molecule. I don’t think I added that, because it was trivial in my mind and I didn’t think to add it in the first place, but if I need to explain the concept of Chirality, I guess I should have explained how non-chiral particles would be fine. I wanted this chapter to be longer anyways, so I’ll definitely find a good way to throw it in there. Unfortunately for him though, basically everything else that is a complex molecule used to build the human body is chiral. He can’t even preserve his seed, because his DNA is also chiral.
As for the covers, the first one is simpler, which might be good, but the other one is cool too. Not very helpful, I know 😂 maybe other people will have for useful feedback.
Fair enough, lol!
I just read through the second chapter, and I really like it! How do you come up with these ideas? I could never, lol. I’m having problems just coming up with a simple magic system, haha.
Thanks! I’m really into the idea of mechanics as a base for the art of worldbuilding, so I dwell on the “what if” more than anything else. My sister though, an equal if not greater writer and worldbuilder, doesn’t really spend much time thinking of anything in terms of their mechanical nature, and more on simply making sure it looks cool from a visual prospective. Not that she doesn’t come up with epic mechanics, she just leans towards one side, while I lean towards the other. A metaphor I made for this is there are those who want to look at the inner workings of the clock, and there are those who want to look at the outside of the clock, art is present both inside and outside, but just different kinds. So I would say you might be more of a outside the clock kind of person, would you agree? If so, then that would help you to understand a little bit of why it might be more difficult to make things like a magic system. That doesn’t mean that you can’t, it’s just you prefer to look at it from a different angle. So you can take advantage from that stronger side, and develop something you think looks cool, then maybe work inwards from there. If your more of an inside the clock kind of person, then I would recommend removing everything else regarding your world in your mind for a moment, then just think about some single core concept, then build everything else on top of it. Although you would want to make sure it blends and attaches smoothly to the plot and struggles of the world and characters. I don’t know if this is helpful at all, but I found it as a common theme, and it might be useful to understand how one’s mind would better approach worldbuilding.
Great work! Also, I like the second cover, because it shows the “reflection” thing that Talien was diagnosed with and I like the theme/design as well. How did you make the cover?
Thanks! Yeah, that was the goal with the second, as the reflection is a key aspect of the story, and it feels more trippy, which is what I want it to feel like when reading. My sister thinks I should change it into an infinite mirror room, so that could be interesting to try next. Do you have any suggestions of what might be a cool effect?
I make everything on Google Drawings. I originally had no intension of making a book cover, and I was just making some unique surreal structures I call Mistdalas. When I made one though, I suddenly had a thought of it floating in a dark room, and a silhouetted man reaching out to touch it. I swiftly made such a scene, and decided that it would make an epic book cover, and I had just the story that fit the mood and concept perfectly. I recently decided that I wanted to try implementing the reflective concept though, and thought it would cool to have as irregular streaks at an angle, and with a little google drawings magic, I did so.
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
Thank you for explaining 😅 I’m not a science person, so I don’t have a good grasp on all that stuff. Thanks.
One question though, would you say that the robot might be too annoying, or the right amount? Because she’s going to become a prevalent character. I want her irritating for Tailen, but only funny and sweet for the readers.
I don’t find her too annoying, though in the long run it might get a bit grating for some people, but I’m obviously not other people, so I can’t say lol.
Any noun can become a verb if you don't care enough.
Is there perhaps any other ways I could reflect the, well, reflection in the story that you think would be cool?
You could have the reflection be on the floor, so we have right side up and up side down versions. Since in your story, the character is being reflected oppositely, doing it like that could convey an inverse image, whereas the current one has the reflections and cool, but seemingly random angles.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksOne question though, would you say that the robot might be too annoying, or the right amount? Because she’s going to become a prevalent character. I want her irritating for Tailen, but only funny and sweet for the readers.
I would say she’s close to the line. I wasn’t annoyed, but there might be some risk of her being annoying. I would say just keep an eye on that.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksThank you for explaining 😅 I’m not a science person, so I don’t have a good grasp on all that stuff. Thanks.
That’s alright, lol! This is very helpful actually, because I need to know how much my readers know, so I can explain things properly, and not annoy them with too much explanation at the same time.
I don’t find her too annoying, though in the long run it might get a bit grating for some people, but I’m obviously not other people, so I can’t say lol.
Fair enough, thanks!
You could have the reflection be on the floor, so we have right side up and up side down versions. Since in your story, the character is being reflected oppositely, doing it like that could convey an inverse image, whereas the current one has the reflections and cool, but seemingly random angles.
True, and I do like the chaotic angles a bit, because it conveys the more surreal nature of the narrative as well as the reflection itself, but I definitely see what you mean. I’ll give the floor reflection a crack, thanks!
I would say she’s close to the line. I wasn’t annoyed, but there might be some risk of her being annoying. I would say just keep an eye on that.
That’s very good to know. It’s something I’ve been concerned about for her character for a long time. It’s hard to know what most people will think though, because a lot of people dislike Tom Bombadil for example, but others think he’s fun. Although he’s a one chapter character, and he might get old fast if he’s present any longer. Definitely let me know your thoughts on her when I post the third chapter.
Also, everyone just pretend that I didn’t reveal my real name🤫🤫🤫
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.