- This topic has 71 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 6 months, 3 weeks ago by
.
-
Posts
-
@jonas @savannah_grace2009 @kyronthearcanin @highscribeofaetherium @whalekeeper @freedomwriter76 @orangearmadillo @lightoverdarkness6 @otherworldlyhistorian @folith-feolin @anyone-else-interested
So I’m finally sharing my own writing, at least some of it, I doubt I will share much beyond a few chapters, but we’ll see. A lot of you know me to be a bit of a critic, so I offer my own writing, intending to see it torn to pieces. I would love to hear anything you like or dislike about it. Like whether or not it’s too confusing, too fast, too weird, too ect. Don’t feel obligated to read it though!
Chapter 1:
An openness— not like— space openness, but— a greater openness. A darkness so vast, it was all around me, but inside me too. Filling every corner and crevice within me, but it wasn’t— and was. A paradox, an illusion to my mind limited to the three spaces I was used to.
An openness— my mind began to stretch out, beyond the boundaries it should. It hurt, but it was comforting, it wasn’t a pain of death… but a pain of simply being not. slowly thinning, soon— nothing will be left, I will have dissolved, thinning, fading into nothingness— becoming not.
Openness— openness— nothingness— —
They’re here— They gave no sound, no appearance, no warning, except that brush of emotion, dark and cold, then you knew. They’re here— They couldn’t let me wait for death, They had to watch, or tease, or consume.
They’re here— creeping around me, then in me, touching me, alien sensations everywhere, it was in my eyes, my bones, my heart, my mind, filling all said crevices and corners once filled with that open darkness. I wasn’t me anymore, They’ve taken me, I’m one with them.
Pain like a bullet, no, I was the bullet, shot, not one direction, but all directions at once, every path perceivable and non perceivable, I was being torn apart, but I’m still whole. The pain only seemed to slow the sure end of oblivion, I grabbed hold of the last bit of light that was my consciousness, feeling it leak away still.
Whiplash from every direction I fell, faster and faster, honing into a singular point of space…
A spike of pain pulsed as if I landed on cold stone, the sensations ceased, They ceased—
They brought me back…
***
“Tailen… Tailen… Tailen please… Tailen!” a distant cry echoed in my mind, pleading. I didn’t want to respond, I Knew what would happen, I didn’t want to go there, would she be mad at me? I didn’t want to go back to that openness either, to see whatever else They would have in store for me. I’ll stay here, yes, I won’t go to either place, I’ll stay here, remain void of responsibility and regret. The cry continued, but still grew more distant, fading into a quiet. I found peace in the silence, I don’t have to control anything, I don’t have to control her, nor did I need to be controlled.
A deep alien sensation began to crawl across my face… fear of the openness burned, They’re back…
My eyes shot open, slowly gaining witness of a tall stern man pouring a canteen of water on my face, Commander Galrid. Droplets crawled across my skin, dripping off the side. A relief came over me, but I could no longer hide. A smaller figure sat beside me, holding my hand— Zainya, my sister, Zainya? It looked like her… but something was off… I attempted to get up to embrace her, only to find my legs paid no mind to my command. I tried to utter words, but they only came out in desperate gurgles.
“Tailen…” Zainya whimpered “please speak to me, I thought I lost you.”
“You know where he has to go Z” Galrid said, almost stoic, but… not quite. Zainya seemed to ignore him. “Zainya, please.”
“No commander! You know you need him! You know we all need him! You know how crucial he is to the mission! I don’t care about the codes, we need him here!”
I understood only every other word, but I knew what they were talking about. I’ve been in Galrid’s place before. It was the law, and it was the only thing that kept the people from more harm, even if they didn’t understand it… even if I didn’t understand it. It’s my fault I’m here anyways, the law must be fulfilled.
“The law must be fulfilled Z. We can’t hide him.”
“Look at him! Do you see anything wrong? I’ve seen victims before, and he doesn’t look like one. He’ll stand, he’ll walk, he’ll work like he always had.”
“You know full well those are not metrics we use to measure whether or not someone is a victim. We all saw it plainly, and there can be deeper things wrong within him.”
“Nothings wrong with him. He’ll be fine, I know he will!”
“Maybe he will be fine, the codes suggest that he could return.”
“ Have you really ever seen or heard of a victim return Commander?”
There was a long pause “… Notice his wrist’s scar, you know where it’s supposed to be.”
My… scar? What did my scar have to do with this? Z looked down at my side, then seeming confused, stood and looked at my other.
“So? It’s only a scar, it doesn’t matter where it is.” She argued.
“You know why it matters Z.” Galrid made a gesture with his hand. Some men began to crowd around us. “The law must be ful…”
I became conscious of a growing headache. Concentration became far harder to maintain.
Muffled voices sounded, and figures moved all around my vision. A series of shouts broke the smaller turmults. It was familiar… Zainya’s voice. What was she yelling about? She must still be mad at me, it’s my fault, I deserved to be mad at. The shouts grew into a choir of screams, shouts and yells from many different blurs of individuals, arguing. A thunderous, clear gunshot silenced all. “…To the Wraith already.” harsh and stern, were the last words I heard, before all care faded, lucidity gone.
***
A blur of white light flooded my vision. Strange plastic fumes filled my nose. I was laying on something that seemed to claw into my already sore back, I still couldn’t move.
“Don’t be afraid” a gentle feminine voice whispered, “you don’t need fear, you are free from the void now… you are in the Wraith, Tell me, what is your name?”
Reluctance to answer swelled, but the fatigue swelled more. It was hard to think. “…Tailen, Tailen Delz” I answered, the name came slurred from my mouth, but I could speak at least.
“I’m sorry, Tailen Delz is dead.”
“What? what do you mean?”
“You are dead Tailen, you are now wraith 1618, you may be brought back if the Observers state that you are able.”
“What are you going to do to me?”
“The Observers will inspect you, diagnose you as a survivor, or you will have dispersion, inversion, general disfiguration, or reflection… the answer will decide your fate.”
“What would my fate be if I’m not a survivor?”
“I’m detecting fear in your voice 1618, don’t be afraid.”
“I’m not afraid… and don’t call me that, I just want to know what would happen.”
“Don’t be afraid, you don’t need fear, you are free from the void now… you are in the Wraith.”
“Please, Just tell me what…”
“You are in the Wraith now, you are safe.”
The white blur shot into sudden blinding clarity. I was in a clean, round chamber, on a smooth, stone-like bed on the edge. Restraints cuffed my hands and ankles, another deep soreness manifested in the realization of their presence.
A new voice sounded. My eyes darted across the scene, questioning the origin of it. It was more masculine this time, it seemed as if it were more alive, yet still cold and hollow. It seemed to come from everywhere.“1618, please raise your right arm.” The restraints immediately uncuffed. I groaned, sitting up. “1618, please comply and raise your right arm, then lower it, and raise your left.”
Confused, I complied, raising my dominant arm. I lowered it and raised the other.
“Please tell me how that felt.” the voice said. I wasn’t sure how to respond.
“… I don’t know… normal?”
“Hmm, wonderful. Now 1618, please read the following inscription.”
A small hovering transparent screen appeared in front of my bed. A reading test? I looked at the screen, only to find that the words were… backwards? I quickly realized that I must be facing the wrong side. I walked around the screen, only to find that the words were still backwards. What? “Uhh, I think it’s broken…”
“Please explain.”
“Well, the words are going right to left, instead of left to right, and the characters are all backwards…”
“Excellent.” The screen vanished. “Now 1618, please eat the fruit.”
A noise came from the center of the room. I looked over to see a pedestal standing there… it wasn’t there before, was it? It had a… fruit, a real fruit. It must have cost thousands of Lengths. A painful emptiness flooded my stomach. A shimmering blue and purple marble coated its smooth surface. Gazing upon it must have given my legs strength. I squirmed off the bed, drooling. Hesitation halted my instinctive hunger.
“Please eat the fruit” the voice repeated.
“What if I don’t?”
“…1618, please comply and eat the fruit, it’s necessary for the examination.”
“What will happen if I don’t comply?”
“Will you not?”
I flinched, It wouldn’t be wise to test them, obedience may be the only way back. The law must be fulfilled.
I lay my hand upon the fruit. As I touched it, I saw the scar on my hand Galrid was talking about. It was the same as it always has been. I’ve had it for as long as I could remember, so why did he point it out now?
“Please eat the fruit 1618.” The voice prodded. I inspected it for a moment. It was smooth, unnaturally smooth, and yet it may be the most natural thing I’ve ever seen.
I took a bite, the texture elegantly glided over my tongue, soft and soothing, and the taste… bland, it tasted like sand left in the sun to dry out all lasting bits of flavor, it was empty, it was— nothing.
“Please Describe the taste” the voice asked.
“…Like sand.”
“Hmm, very well, thank you for complying, you may now dispose of the fruit.” A small hole opened up on the pedestal.
Shock filled my mind, it may not taste like much, but it was something, and it was a fruit, you don’t throw away such valuable material.
“Please comply 1618, your current results suggest that it’s worthless to you.”
“Worthless? Imagine the health value of a real fruit, taste or not, I’m eating it, unless the codes forbid me.”
“Very well, but It will provide little benefits.”
“Why not? It’s not poison is it?” The thought brought a thin needle of regret.
“No, not poison, well, not to you at least.”
“What’s wrong with it?” I demanded.
“Oh, it? it’s just a fruit, nothing’s wrong with the fruit, it’s you that’s the problem.”
“What? what do you mean?”
“I require a sample. 1618, please hold still and comply.”
Before I could react, a needle peered from the ceiling and pricked my arm in a sharp, but quick sting. A yelp escaped my mouth, but the needle was already gone. “What was that!?” I asked, but the voice didn’t respond. “Why won’t you tell me anything? What’s going on” the voice still had no response.
I paced around the room. Perhaps there was something I could find to help… somehow. I searched the room, feeling for any creases or clues along the walls. There was no sign of deviation from the perfect cylinder, other than the bed and pedestal. The pedestal still had an opening. I walked to the center of the room.
I began to reach toward the hole, then hesitated. I looked at my clothes, they were the same. I was searched, but it seems they had the decency to leave my pants. I tore off a thin strip of cloth, then cautiously leveled it into the hole. The hole closed… no, it vanished. It was straight up gone. It cut the piece of fabric in two, half lost to wherever the chute went. Glad I hesitated to put my arm in there.
I felt for any seal left behind, yet no notch or crevice was perceivable.
I only knew as much about the Wraith as anyone else. This single room alone was already so strange, so alien. I needed to think.
I began pacing again. How did I even get here? I tried to recall past events… they were there, but they were slurred. Smudged out by fatigue and confusion. What can I make out?… I was with my sister. Yes, we were with our squad on a mission, a mission… a scouting mission. We were scouting out some possible territory. Territory to fight— fight Them. Then… an Openness.
Remembrance of the experience lit with a heat burning into the shadows of my mind. Fear, no, terror overcame me. I closed my eyes, only to witness the darkness in my mind with more clarity. Those… Things. The sensations, I could feel them. I could barely feel myself collapse to the floor. The way They played with me like a little toy, devouring me with their strange cold touch. I need to hide, to escape where They can’t get me. I want— I need the oblivion they denied me!
I gasped in pain. My heart, racing. I could hear its beat, its solid, material beat. I grabbed hold of the sensation, feeling the stability of that which was constant. My heart slowed.
What happened?
I forced myself back up, trembling. I attempted to gather my thoughts. I’m in the Wraith now, what does that mean?
I walked over and sat on the bed, exhausted. The Wraith is a facility… It takes in everyone who had… been… … … made contact. That was it. It was always no questions asked. Was it medical, was it an insane asylum? Was it for interrogation? Execution?
I also seem healthy, which is different. I have seen deformities from victims before, but what causes them, and why don’t I have any? I need to learn more. Do I simply wait?
I waited— and waited— but nothing occurred— no voice, no sound, nothing. I had no connection to time, I stared off at the walls, and waited. I felt as if the moments were shrinking endlessly, and eternity was passing by in this small, empty, ill odered room.
It was maddening being left alone with my thoughts for this long. I wish I could send them away. I wanted to sleep, and not wake up to all the chaos. I attempted to, but the brick of the bed was too uncomfortable. So I let the thoughts pass through my mind.
Why me? The question finally came. It was silly of course. The law must be fulfilled, regardless of who fulfills it. I moved on and continued thinking about what I could do.
I only seemed to discover how tiring the whole thing was… I lied down. The bed didn’t stop being uncomfortable, and the smell was still horrid, but exhaustion finally overshadowed it all. My awareness began its inevitable fade, I began to let go of reality, as my pure white surroundings fluttered into a black.
—
“Niima? What are dreams for?” I asked, looking intently at my mother. I’ve had lots of dreams before, lots of them were really scary, why do they have to be scary?
She paused, I think she was thinking. I became worried that she would give the same no comment she gave me when I asked how she got my sister in her tummy.
“That’s a good question Tay” She finally said “…I like to think that they’re reminders… dreams tell us how we are not always in control of our lives, just as we’ll have good and bad dreams, good and bad things could happen, regardless of what we do”.
I lost interest almost instantly. Every time my Niima answers my question, it’s always this long grown up talk. She wasn’t even making any sense, my dreams aren’t telling me anything, they’re just a bunch of moving pictures and sounds.
I looked back at her, she seemed to not be paying attention to me. What was she looking at, I just saw the horizon, it wasn’t even a pretty horizon. I saw a cool rock on the ground, and picked it up and fingered around the corners and crevices.
My father came out of the house. I ran over to him, so he could lift me up. He did so, but he seemed to share a look with Niima. Something was wrong.
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
Hi! Saw this topic and wanted to check it out! It’s really interesting so far!
I think in the beginning, the style of the writing was kind of confusing. Overall it does give the idea of like, very choppy thoughts, sort of less established, so if that’s what you were going for, then great job. I just think that it might throw readers off a little. I also noticed that the scene with Tailen alone in the room conveyed the emotion really well… sort of like, brain racing.
It was maddening being left alone with my thoughts for this long. I wish I could send them away.
Basically it totally felt like this, so good job on that too. And yeah, aside from some punctuation stuff and run-on sentences, it looks good! And those things could totally be a matter of style, too, they’re just different from how I write, so they stood out to me. Anyway, nice job! I’m interested to see what happens next!
Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again. ~ C.S. Lewis
I’ll definitely read it, but it will be at least a few hours before I have time!
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksThanks!
I think in the beginning, the style of the writing was kind of confusing. Overall it does give the idea of like, very choppy thoughts, sort of less established, so if that’s what you were going for, then great job. I just think that it might throw readers off a little. I also noticed that the scene with Tailen alone in the room conveyed the emotion really well… sort of like, brain racing.
Yeah, it was definitely meant to be a bit confusing, but still intriguing. The confusion was meant to mimic the disorientation of Tailen, and to send questions in the readers minds, hopefully therefore gaining investment from them as long as I cleared up one or two bits of information of them after the scene, but leave them still wanting to just figure out what’s going on. It is a worry of mine that it may be too confusing to the point that they’re scared off though.
Basically it totally felt like this, so good job on that too. And yeah, aside from some punctuation stuff and run-on sentences, it looks good! And those things could totally be a matter of style, too, they’re just different from how I write, so they stood out to me. Anyway, nice job! I’m interested to see what happens next!
Yeah, punctuation has never been my strong suit, I’m definitely not the worst, but definitely not the best😅
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
No problem! Can’t wait to hear your thoughts on it!
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
I love this so far. It definitely is confusing, but the good kind that makes you hungry for more.
Oh man. That place where Tailen is… I’m panicking just thinking about it right now 😅
A disturbingly short time ago, in a land uncomfortably close by...
I love this so far. It definitely is confusing, but the good kind that makes you hungry for more.
That’s good! Definitely my goal with it.
Oh man. That place where Tailen is… I’m panicking just thinking about it right now 😅
Which one? The Void or the Wraith?
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
The Wraith. It’s literally, like, my worst nightmare.
A disturbingly short time ago, in a land uncomfortably close by...
Ah, lol, mission accomplished I guess?
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
Wow, I really love this!! The concept is definitely something I could never pull off, so great job there. And the characters were completely relatable. You’re very good at conveying emotions in your writing – something I still struggle with a lot, because I don’t do it well irl either lol. Anyway, awesome job!!
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
Thanks! Yeah, I’ve played with the concept for a long time. As far as characters go, I feel like I’m getting better. I’m not too much of a people person, but I find psychology really interesting, and I’m intrigued by different ways one could suffer, so I think that’s my strength for characters.
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
I love this! Though it does get confusing, it’s the “good” kind, lol, and I would totally read the book.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I agree with what other people are saying: very intriguing and somewhat confusing (though the intentional sort.) I don’t have any specific comments right now, but it seems really cool so far. For context’s sake, is this part of the Septrum, or is it its own thing?
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksThanks! That seems to be the overall consensus. “confusing but the good kind.”
Oh yeah, this is actually part of the tail end of the first era of my septer. So civilization is sufficiently advanced in many ways, but it has degraded to dystopia and war. The ones referred to as the phantoms or simply “They” were unleashed in a Noah’s flood kind of fashion, where they are destroying everything, though their intelligence at this point isn’t great (despite being 4 dimensional beings) so it’s more of a slow burn, where they explore and play with random curiosities. In the second era, they will be sealed away, but humanity will be set in a stone age again.
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
The “tail end”??How many stories will there be in each era??
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of Books
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.