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Hola! I need a little help with this poem. I want to post it on my blog, but I want to make sure that it is good enough. Do the rhymes keep a good rhythm? Does it pull on the emotions? Any thoughts? Is it worth posting or should I trash it and try again?
8) Lord, You are removing my chains,
10) So why does illness kill my hope to fly?
6) Am I shooting too high?
11) Is there a remedy for this hurricane,
9) Or is it time to say a goodbye?
8) Lord, I want to fall on my knees,
9) But I have no clue which words to sing.
7) I’ve never known such a thing.
11) Will it be that I’ll lose to a bad disease,
9) Or will I survive what this shall bring?
8) Lord, this is all so confusing.
9) But through the storm, You’ll show Your glory.
6) I don’t know my story.
11) But I’ll get nowhere if I keep refusing
9) To look for Your great allegory.
Tagging a few people I have seen on here writing/editing poems:
@elishavet-pidyon @godlyfantasy12 @power @thelobsterloverAnybody is welcome! The more the merrier! 🙂
Words have the ability to touch the darkest souls... The receiver must simply allow them to.
Hey-o!
For one, I LOVE your poem!! As someone who has struggled with chronic pain in the past, I can really see the beauty in it. I’m sure it will be an encouragement to others 🙂
I love the theme of total dependence on God. Though trials are confusing and bring us low, His Hand is in it all, He is our Rock in our time of affliction.
Needless to say, it’s a beautiful, touching work of poetry!!! <3 <3
I don’t have any advice on the message/feeling (it’s perfect!), but I would recommend having a pattern to the number of syllables per line. This can be done by just adding or subtracting a few words–and it doesn’t have to change any of the meanings of the sentences! It’s actually kind of fun to see how things can be worded in so many ways 😉
For example, if the pattern were to be 8, 10, 8, 10(…) it could go like:
8) Lord, You are removing my chains,
10) So why does illness kill my hope to fly?
8) Could it be that I shoot too high?
10) Is there remedy for this hurricane,*
8) Or is it time to say goodbye?
And so on 🙂
*Technically, it might not be VERY grammatically correct to take out the “a” before remedy… but ya know… poetic license… ;P Actually, it could go “is there a remedy for hurricanes” so that it’s a perfect rhyme with chains (and keeps the “a”).
With the rhyming, I’m not sure what style you’re going for. Some people write more freestyle, while others always keep to a rigid pattern. Right now it looks like it goes a-b-b-a-b-c-d-d-c-d-e-f-f-e-f (with the slight exception of “chains” and hurricane”, that’s a slant rhyme–which is still a thing in poetry, it just depends on the style you’re going for 😉 ) There is definitely a pattern there!!
As a disclaimer, I haven’t really studied the science of poetry in-depth, and I know that there are other considerations like stressed syllables and such. In my own writing, I’ve only stuck with keeping a rhythm to my number of syllables and having a pattern to the rhymes. As I said, it depends on your style!
All in all, fantastic work on this poem!! And, yes, it’s totally worth posting!!! Go for it! ;). It was nice to talk with you, and I hope to see you around!!
Have a lovely afternoon! (or morning or evening depending on your timezone XD)
~In Christ Alone My Hope Is Found~
I tried replying twice yesterday, but the responses simply wouldn’t send. Hopefully it’ll go through this time!
I really appreciate your insight! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. ❤️ I was able to play around with it and make it a little better! 🙂
That’s also what I try to do with my poetry. Lol. I’m not great at it, but there’s something special about poetry. It feels deeper at times.
I hope to see you around as well! (And yes, it was afternoon. 😉)
Words have the ability to touch the darkest souls... The receiver must simply allow them to.
Yay, it went through! The forum can be iffy like that sometimes.
Glad to be of service! As I said, it’s a beautiful poem, and I hope it will encourage a lot of people! Have you considered submitting poetry to the KP blog?
That’s so true!! Poetry is my happy place ✨ It does seem to often resonate deeper than just prose.
Happy writing! 🙂
~In Christ Alone My Hope Is Found~
Wow, that poem sounds like a modern psalm! Like others have said, I think writing it with a specific pattern of syllables might help, but other than that I’m not a big poet, so I can’t really help much. I like it though! It’s awesome!
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
Beautiful. It never ceases to amaze me how a simple choice of words and rhythm can convey such various feelings. Your choice seems to give a broken hearted yet flowing stream of thought.
I would consider smoothing the rhythms or word choice so that the sentences work together a little smoother, but it is lovely as it is. Well done!
(I’m sorry it took so long for me to respond, I haven’t gotten the time to sit down and look at the forum for a while.)
You have listened to fears, child. Come, let me breathe on you... Are you brave again? -Aslan
@madelyn I haven’t actually though about submitting poetry to KP. That’s a good idea though! I’ll have to think about that. Thank you mentioning it. 🙂
I see why it is your happy place! ❤️
Words have the ability to touch the darkest souls... The receiver must simply allow them to.
Thank you, @keilah-h ! I appreciate that.
Words have the ability to touch the darkest souls... The receiver must simply allow them to.
@elishavet-pidyon You’re totally fine! I’m glad that you like it. From what everybody has said, I think I’ll definitely even out the rhymes a bit. Thank you for the insight!
Words have the ability to touch the darkest souls... The receiver must simply allow them to.
Oh my goodness! I love the poem! It definitely pulls at me and I really like the rhythm, it flows really well. I’d say definitely publish it to your blog!
I love writing poetry, it gets my heart out more than talking or regular prose ever has. I can paint out the pictures in my mind without worrying about being too descriptive xD
Again well done and happy writing!
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." - Gandalf
Aww, thank you so much, @elanor ! I’m going to post it tomorrow! 😃
That’s a beautiful reason to live poetry. It does seem to do that. Happy writing as well!
Words have the ability to touch the darkest souls... The receiver must simply allow them to.
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