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Yay!!
I found a round about way to get access!! (Don’t ask)
Should I be concerned? lol 🤪
Everette (I think) asks if Sara knows who Jesus was. Now, unless you have a very different theology than I do, I believe it’s who Jesus “is” not “was”.
Good point—I’ll have to change that.
Also, unless I missed something, the last we had with Cole was his screen going dark on the game. That leads me to believe that they list the round? What does that mean for them? I assume they aren’t disqualified. I was left thinking “oh no!” But then nothing was really said about it and it made me as the reader wonder if the author forgot. So yeah, maybe a bit more on that.
Lol. Yeah, whoops. I mentioned to Keilah (I think) that I need to fix that chapter. Tbh, I was looking for a way to end the chapter since it was getting kind of long 😅 It’s been edited a bit already (mostly later bits being cut so that there was a better ending.) I totally understand that though, and I’m sorry it’s not more polished. When I redo it, I think I’m going to end it with a win for their team instead of just his death. But I have to figure out how I’m going to fit that into the chapter (which should be about 2k words.) Basically, it’s kind of just a filler chapter at the moment that shows the reader more about Cole and his team, but doesn’t really add much to the actual plot of the book. Hopefully I can improve it in 2nd draft.
you said “Margaret— Mags” twice. That should only be there once and then refer to her as Mags.
Gotcha 👍
Sara knows Cole is naturally pretty smart. I tried to expand on this in a later chapter, so y’all will probably get more about it soon. I’ll have to go over this and either change the exercise to make it more clear Cole will be good at it, or drop some more hints early on that he’s smarter than he seems.
Thanks so much for your feedback! I posted two new chapters today, so I’ll send you the link for that. Good night!
'Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.'
I liked that chapter about Cole. Sometimes fillers are okay if they further develop the character. Plus, it was one of your best.
you can even end it with his game death and then have him say something to a friend who’s on the game team about pulling through and winning that last one.
just an idea. But I honestly wouldn’t remove or touch that chapter.so…. Where’s the link? (I’ve read up to chapter 10)
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Awesome, good to know. I think I do mention very vaguely later that they won the game, but you’re right, I don’t think any reader will make the connection.
So, that was my bad 😅 You’ve read all the chapters I’ve posted. For some reason, my brain didn’t make the connection that you had read them all because I read this:
Also, unless I missed something, the last we had with Cole was his screen going dark on the game
And I hadn’t shared the link with you again like I had to last time, so I guess I thought you had just read last week’s chapters, forgetting that you commented on the school chapter and that was after. Sorry about that!
'Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.'
yeah I missed that with them having won. But maybe that was just me.
oh okay! No problem. Sorry for the confusion.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Okay, I’m going to catch up with the rest of the chapters, but chapters 5-6 were good.
“Our house is full of ducks!!!!”
Awesome! Thanks!
'Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.'
All caught up now. It’s good so far, though I have two thoughts. I think you could maybe show more of the oppression in Christianity/religion and the society a bit more? Specifically beyond the school and the laundromat, because it would make it feel a bit more alive. Second, maybe you could show Sara’s feelings of purposelessness through small actions or something like that. Other than those things, it’s very engaging and I’m interested to see what happens next.
“Our house is full of ducks!!!!”
Great! 😁
Okay, I see what you mean. Are you thinking like, within their friend groups? Most of the story so far takes place either at school, the church meetings, or their house. Later, though, there will probably be a lot of scenes at their respective job assignments, so you’ll get to see more of the culture then. Do you have any ideas for specific ways I could do it?
Also, I’m still trying to figure out their culture’s exact position on Christians, since I want it to seem like it could be realistic, instead of just the Constitution (and basically everything our country was founded on) being magically adjusted. It’s sort of more a gradual dislike, paired with mistrust from the “religious” terrorist attacks, that has turned into almost-persecution. As of now, the government can’t officially punish people just for being Christians, but they have secret programs that try to uncover religious sects and arrest them on other charges, and basically just keep an eye on them. I could totally see someone making a comment about “religious freaks” or whatever, it just hasn’t really come up yet.
maybe you could show Sara’s feelings of purposelessness through small actions or something like that
Gotcha. Any ideas?
'Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.'
Ooh, I’ve also got to add in the part about the gov trying to pass a new law that allows them to persecute Christians, but I haven’t figured out when yet.
'Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.'
Okay, I see what you mean. Are you thinking like, within their friend groups? Most of the story so far takes place either at school, the church meetings, or their house. Later, though, there will probably be a lot of scenes at their respective job assignments, so you’ll get to see more of the culture then. Do you have any ideas for specific ways I could do it?
I guess just showing more of the city or government, to get a feel of how much the world has changed. Something like that, maybe. Maybe you could have Sara or Cole go to a different area, like a row of stores, and show how different it is than today.
Also, I’m still trying to figure out their culture’s exact position on Christians, since I want it to seem like it could be realistic, instead of just the Constitution (and basically everything our country was founded on) being magically adjusted. It’s sort of more a gradual dislike, paired with mistrust from the “religious” terrorist attacks, that has turned into almost-persecution.
Ah, okay. That’s fine if your still developing it, it would take some hard push to get around the Constitution lol.
Gotcha. Any ideas?
Maybe when Sara’s around people and supposedly happy, there could be that underlying feeling of meaninglessness. Or when someone’s speaking to her, it could take her a second to register it because she’s lost in those types of thoughts, or having forced emotions of happiness.
“Our house is full of ducks!!!!”
just showing more of the city or government, to get a feel of how much the world has changed. Something like that, maybe. Maybe you could have Sara or Cole go to a different area,
Okay! I could always try to integrate that into scenes while they’re traveling (to the church meetings, to their jobs).
Ah, okay. That’s fine if your still developing it, it would take some hard push to get around the Constitution lol.
Yeah 😅
Maybe when Sara’s around people and supposedly happy, there could be that underlying feeling of meaninglessness. Or when someone’s speaking to her, it could take her a second to register it because she’s lost in those types of thoughts, or having forced emotions of happiness.
Gotcha. I’ll try to add some more of that in.
'Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.'
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