- This topic has 6,588 replies, 59 voices, and was last updated 10 hours, 6 minutes ago by
.
-
Posts
-
I LOVED it this was so so good freedom!!!
I caught quite a few grammatical errors and typos but I’m guessing you’re not done editing. If you want me to go back and mark them I can.
other then that, amazing job!! I CANNOT WAIT for the next book!!
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
Honestly Freedom, the “To be warned” headings you add about tickle me pink at this point. If any keepers reading your writing don’t already know they’re in for a punch to the gut, they sure haven’t been around here very long. XD
Good job, and keep up the good work!
First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)
@koshka Thanks, girl! :3 and you’re so right😂 we should all know that my writing is going to wreck us all XXD
@ellette-giselle Thanks, girlie🫶🏻And yes, feel free to point those out! I’m doing all the editing, formatting, writing, cover design, etc on my own, so I appreciate all the help I can get😅
What is strength?
Strength, my son, is being who God has called you to be.#HugLeonAndRikerSquad
I’m so happy to see them again!!! You haven’t been posting in too long!!!
“Gargoyles and thickets, griffins and briskets."
Alright then! I’ll help in as many ways as I can!! Here are the ones I caught in this section.
Oh, btw, Rae’s right. You haven’t posted in WAY to long! We’re all starving for Riker/Leon scenes!
Okay, so there’s no way to highlight on KP that I’ve found, so I’m making my edits bold. I’m afraid you’ll have to look kinda carefully to see them.
There were a few times I fixed where you had speaker A. say something, but never gave us the name of speaker B. leading the reader to think that everything said belonged to speaker A. If that makes sense. Also, you repeated a few descriptive words in a row so I switched in a few synonyms. You can ignore that if you want, it’s just a pet peeve of mine.
You can ignore all of this, (but maybe take not of the miss-spellings. lol) Anyhow, hope this is helpful.
“The Lord has been faithful even in the darkest of nights. His word promises, ‘And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.’ I know we have just left a dark time, and dark days still lie before us, but God will turn all of this into good, church…He will.” Ezekiel Gessner preached, firm yet quiet, leaning forward, his palms planted on a simple wooden pulpit.
Riker ducked his head a bit lower, seated in the empty, furthest pew from the pulpit he could find. He shifted on the cold wood that was anything but comfortable.
“There is much anger in this land we call home. The darkness has been exposed and people have been hurt. I understand the hurt and I too have felt the anger, but I stand before all of you now to say that only forgiveness can heal this land from the scars of the war we are struggling to leave behind us.”
Forgiveness?
How did the hurt forgive the ones that had hurt, like Riker?
“But forgiveness is not impossible, and for those who are the ones who hurt the hurting, forgiveness is only a sentence away. For, ‘if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.’ No one, no one is too far gone for the grace of our Lord, my fellow brothers and sisters…no one. Nothing you’ve done can ever change the Father’s love for you.”
‘No one except you, sinner…murderer.’
Riker shifted; his fingers trembled.
‘Murderer.’
‘You’re too far gone for redemption.’
‘It’s too late for you…God has already left someone like you.’
‘God doesn’t want a mistake like you.’
He jolted forward, and several heads turned to face him, some with contempt, others with deep, unmerited concern.
None of them knew what he’d done, and even if they did, only the looks of contempt were deserved.
It wasn’t true.
It couldn’t be true.
There wasn’t grace for men like him. There wasn’t forgiveness for murderers. There wasn’t mercy for sinners. There wasn’t love for mistakes.
So, then, what was he doing inside a church?
He stumbled to his feet, his legs threatening to give way beneath him. He stumbled his way outside the church and onto the street, each step threatening to make him topple.
Why had he ever even thought of attending Calvary church? He didn’t belong there. He didn’t belong anywhere near any church. Ezekiel was wrong. He had to be. Why would God waste His mercy, if He had any, on a sinner like Riker Schind?
Riker shoved his way into a bar, ignoring the scents of drinks he hated more than himself. “There you are, Schind. I thought you’d be here sooner. He’s at that table over there in the corner.”
Riker nodded at the man behind the counter and strode over to the corner he frequented almost every night. “Come on. It’s time to go.”
Eyes bloodshot, a cigarette in one hand and a glass filled with amber alcohol in the other, his father offered a slight smile. “Ah, Riker. Care for a drink, son?”
His arm moved, his hand shaking. The cup tilted and alcohol spilled over Riker’s coat.
Riker blanched and faced his father with the firmest frown he could muster even though his fingers trembled knowing what he was about to face. “Put down the drink and put out the cigarette, Father. It’s time to go home.”
Franz stumbled to his full height, swaying on his feet. “I don’t think you tell me what to do, boy,” his words slurred together, becoming almost indistinguishable. He dropped his cigarette, “And you don’t hold that tone with me.”
Riker pried the glass from his father’s fingers. “I think you’ve had enough. Please, let’s just go home.”
“Give me back my-my drink, boy…”
Riker stood taller and threw the cup against the wall, shattering the glass and spilling alcohol across the floor. “You’ve had enough.”
His father’s hand came, as Riker knew it would, knocking Riker backwards into a table. Franz swayed, looming over Riker. “You don’t tell me what…to do, boy.”
Riker groaned and leaned his head back, anticipating the blows that were certain to follow the first. A fist met a table with an echoing thud.
One shot. Two shots. The man’s legs crumpled beneath him, his still body hitting the ground with an echoing thud. Another innocent life taken. More guards raised their guns. More gunshots. More still bodies to join the first.
“Schind! Riker!”
Riker jolted forward, his head ramming into another man’s. The man cussed, and Riker blinked several times to clear his vision. “I-I’m sorry, sir.”
The gray-haired man who had been standing behind the counter at Riker’s arrival, the man he knew to be the one who ran the bar, shrugged and nodded towards the corner booth. “Might be the best time to take your father home, son. He’s already asleep.”
Riker stumbled to his feet. “I-I will. Thank you, sir.”
The man chuckled. “You’re always having to drag him home, son. Maybe you should just leave him here. I don’t care. More business for me.”
Laughter echoed through the still space, and Riker’s cheeks flamed. “I need to take him home, sir.” He placed his hands beneath his father’s armpits, and, with effort, hoisted his father up and partially on his back, his father’s feet dragging on the floor.
Chuckles and booming laughs echoing in his ears, Riker pushed himself forward, his legs threatening to give way beneath him, carrying his own weight and the weight of his father.
He marched outside into the rain he hadn’t noticed began to fall, his boots slipping on the wet cobblestone. Red-hot tears coursed down his cheeks, warming his cold skin.
The humiliation of dragging his father home dead drunk almost every night was far from unfamiliar, but even that fact didn’t take away the pain of it all.
If his father forgot what happened, he’d be lucky.
Even if it was pain he deserved, it didn’t take the pain away.
~*~
“You made it, Leon.”
Leon nodded at Aaron. “My mother-in-law is with the kids.”
Aaron smiled and gripped Leon’s forearm. “Come with me. The other men are already waiting.”
Leon allowed Aaron to pull him further into the abandoned factory, struggling to adjust to the darkness. Dim lanternlight shone in his eyes, illuminating the large space enough to see but not enough to detect from outside.
Aaron released his arm. “Everyone, this is Leon, the man I told all of you about.”
A tall man stood, his burly body nothing more than a shadow besides his bearded face crisscrossed with scars. He extended a large hand. “Joash Levy.”
Leon took his hand and gave it a firm shake. “Leon Wagner.”
Aaron clapped the man, Joash, on the back and offered Leon a smile. “Joash was imprisoned at Auschwitz in Poland…I’m sure you’ve heard of it,” Leon nodded, so Aaron continued, “and eventually was brought here to Germany and escaped another camp several miles from here. He has helped us fight back against the Nazis.”
Leon dropped his voice to a dangerous whisper. “Aaron, what is this about?”
“This is about revenge.”
Leon’s gaze rose, and he met Joash’s hard, dark stare. “And what exactly do you mean by revenge?”
Aaron rose with a half-smile. “I already told you, Leon, we’ll take everything from them that they took from us. Their lives, even.”
Evil for evil and a life for a life: that was their revenge. The men that had done what they did to Leon, Aaron, Isaiah, Yosef, Joash, and so many others deserved to die, Leon knew that, but was it really left to their hands?
“Murder is wrong, Aaron. And is revenge really up to you?”
“‘He teacheth my hands to war, so that a bow of steel is broken by mine arms.’” Joash quoted, standing firm.
Leon bristled at the quoted scripture and faced Joash with a firm shake of his head. “I don’t think you know what you’re doing.”
Joash took two steps forward, his solid frame looming in front of Leon. Leon stood firm and tall even though his head barely reached the man’s chest. “I don’t think he should be here, Haddad,” Joash scoffed and faced Aaron, “he obviously does not share our mission.”
Aaron’s gaze cut to Leon, his brown eyes searching, questioning. “Leon, don’t you want the ones responsible for your wife’s death to pay for their crimes?”
“Ja.”
“Then why don’t you stay? You can help us. You can-“
“Murder is still wrong, Aaron. If we kill them, we’re no better than them.”
Joash’s eyes hardened, so Leon gave both men a firm nod. “Goodbye, Aaron, Joash. I can see myself out.”
Leon marched out of the factory and into the roaring rain.
Each droplet pelted him as if the rain itself mocked him.
Everything in Leon ached to cry out, scream, curse the sky and everything around him, but he also knew that no one on earth or in heaven would even hear or care. He lifted a pebble off the broken street and hurled it with a loud groan deep from within his soul.
What did he do to deserve such pain? What did he do to deserve abandonment? What did he do to deserve such grief? For that matter, what did Aadelheide do to deserve death? Pain squeezed Leon’s chest from the inside out, threatening to steal his breath.
He had to not think about it. He had to forget.
Leon stumbled onto the porch and fumbled with the lock to his mother-in-law’s home, still unable to secure a job so he could provide for his kids on his own.
He opened the door, ditching his coat and tossing it on a rack. He shoved his keys into his coat pocket and trudged his way into the kitchen, opening and slamming cabinets.
“Leon, dear, we have a guest tonight. I know it’s late, but-“
Leon pulled a glass bottle out of a cabinet and popped off the top before facing Louisa. “Louisa, I’m exhausted-“
“Good evening, Leon. It has been a while.”
Leon blinked several times, his mind desperately trying to sort through everything he’d been through to recognize the man, the face, standing before him. “…Ezekiel?”
Ezekiel rose with a small smile and nodded. “It’s me. I had a late Friday night service tonight and decided I would come and see Louisa, but I didn’t know you were living here. I’m happy to see that you and the kids are well.”
Leon shrugged, facing the man he once saw as his pastor. “Of course. Why wouldn’t we be fine?”
Ezekiel’s blonde eyebrows squeezed together, and he rested a hand on Leon’s shoulder. “Leon, you can be honest with me. God knows and understands—”
“There you go, just like everyone else.”
“Leon.” Louisa whispered, chiding.
Leon settled in a chair at the table, offering Ezekiel a smile devoid of any humor. “I’m sure you have other matters to attend to. Why don’t you go sell someone else a bunch of lies?”
Louisa gasped. “Leon!”
Ezekiel turned to Louisa with a small smile. “Louisa, could you give Leon and I a few moments?”
Though she was twenty years Ezekiel’s senior and could have easily said ‘no’, Louisa nodded and left the room.
Leon rolled his eyes and tipped up his glass, savoring the alcohol.
Ezekiel pulled out a chair and sat across from him, crossing his arms on the table and lapsing into silence.
Leon raised an eyebrow and took another sip. “Are you going to say something?”
“I was waiting for you to say something first. Leon, I can’t even imagine the pain you’re going through, and I can’t even pretend to know everything you have been through, but Leon, God is not to blame for Aadelheide’s death.”
“You don’t know that.”
“God does not bring harm on anyone, Leon. Evil happens because of the sin found in every man and woman’s heart. Humanity brought sin into the world, not God.”
Leon chuckled. “I thought God was powerful. If He’s so powerful, why doesn’t He stop it?”
“God gave mankind a free will-“
“That doesn’t matter. Couldn’t God stop it if He wanted to? If He did nothing, it’s because He didn’t want to do anything. He chose to let Aadelheide die. He sat by and watched her—let her—die. That’s what you don’t understand, Ezekiel, that’s what no one understands.”
Ezekiel’s eyes brightened with tears. “Aadelheide believed in Him…she’s in heaven, Leon. I know it hurts, but you have to know that God isn’t to blame—”
“Isn’t to blame? God sat by and did nothing and He’s not to blame for Aadelheide’s death? No, God did nothing and let the Nazis, let Riker, kill her-“
Ezekiel’s head shot up. “Riker? Riker Schind?”
Leon took a long, ingulfing sip. “Yeah. What does it matter to you? He killed my wife.”
Ezekiel’s gaze fell. He released a deep sigh and whispered something Leon couldn’t quite distinguish.
Leon rolled his eyes and rose to his feet, his steps wobbly and his legs threatening to give way beneath him. “I think you should leave.”
Ezekiel slowly nodded and stood. “…I will. But I won’t stop praying for you, Leon.”
“Fat lot of good that will do.”
Ezekiel smiled sadly and disappeared around the corner.
The front door closed with a quiet click.
Leon sank back into his chair, his head spinning. He stared at the ceiling and waited for the alcohol to kick in and numb his pain.
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
I finished reading Freedom’s Fire a little while ago!!!
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
@ellette-giselle @theducktator
Thanks ladies! Sorry for disappearing on you. I thought I’d have time over the weekend, but it escaped from me and then we had to leave for a worship conference.
BUT, I’m back! I’ll try to explain the plot and the questions I have sometime this afternoon. (:
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
@ellette-giselle @theducktator @anyone-else
Ok! So I have this new-ish WIP idea, but I’m not happy with the plot. The main characters are Audrey and Miles. (Miles is her dad). Basically, Miles had to give up his daughter when she was little for some reason that had to do with his job. Maybe to keep her safe or something? He’s kind of a mix of Ethan Hunt, a CIA agent, and an agent from Men in Black. I haven’t fully decided on what his job was, but it had to do with some kind of spy agency.
Anyway, Audrey’s been from foster home to foster home, even almost getting adopted at one point, but the family backed out. Because of this, she doesn’t trust people easily. When she turns eighteen, she joins this group that her two closest friends join. It’s pretty much a band of young adults traveling the country spreading love and light. (Ex. Leaving meals by a sleeping homeless person on the street for them to discover when they wake up, leaving out notes of encouragement on the street for people to find, and other stuff along those lines. I haven’t fleshed it out very well. But their goal is to change the world.) Shortly after Audrey joins, they found out that an opposing group is trying to get the arrested or kidnapped. They have no idea why this group is trying to stop them, since nothing like this has happened before. So they hire a former agent to protect them—enter, Miles.
He obviously recognizes Audrey, but she doesn’t recognize him. He doesn’t tell her right away who he is in order to keep her safe, but it’s killing him inside to have his daughter so close yet so far away. After a series of events, (see, I haven’t plotted this out very well, lol), the group that’s after them sets it up to where the good group looks like they’re betraying Audrey. (It ends up that the bad group is actually after Audrey in order to get to Miles). She and Miles are kidnapped. During this time, Audrey learns to trust Miles (and God), and Miles helps them escape. I’m not sure how things with the bad group play out, but maybe they’re finally arrested and Miles is able to live with his daughter again?
Some things I’m not certain on are what happened to Audrey’s mom. Dying seems to cliche, but it also seems like the most likely possibility. I’m just not sure how. I’ve thought about having her join the bad group, but I don’t really like that.
Of course I’m not certain who Miles worked for and why he had to give up Audrey. Definitely need help in that area.
I’m also doubting the plot as a whole. It seems pretty weak right now. The main theme is trusting God. Audrey learns to trust God fully and completely because He’s always faithful, unlike us fallible humans; Miles learns to let go and trust God, because he likes to always have things in control. I have a few key scenes in my mind, but if I tried to write the story now, it’s be really short and the pacing would be super bad. I guess I’m asking for ideas to flesh out the plot.
Anyway, that’s where my mind is going right now. Oh! Audrey has a close friend named Clayton. He loves her as more than a friend, he just doesn’t realize it yet. I’m thinking Audrey’s aware of it, but uncertain. (Because she tends to be very observant)
So yeah, any ideas or suggestion welcome! Let me know if anything’s unclear or if you could use more information!
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Hmm, this looks intresting.
Okay, I can fix the mom problem and giving up Audrey in one swing.
Audrey’s mom was killed by the bad-guys.
Now her dad is super freaked out that Audrey will be hurt as well, so he gives her up.
(Now, I don’t think giving up the Child God gave to you is ever a good option, but if that’s how your plot goes…..)
Idea number two. This will tweak things a little, but could prove very interesting.
Audrey’s mom is killed and Audrey is kidnapped. From there she is handed off to a second party, who then puts her in foster care. Maybe even in a different country then where her dad and mom lived.
Miles is hunting for his daughter the whole time.When he runs into Audrey, he guesses who she might be, but is unwilling to make a move until he knows for sure. He starts running background on her, and at some point figures out the truth. Before he can talk to Audrey they are captured.
How do either of these sound to you?
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
Oh. That hits kinda hard actually. I thought it was going to be something funny. 😅
I’m glad it hits at least. It also has something to do with the context of the story, because he has an instinct to fly/travel to high places.
I’ll have to make some other albino character sometime cuz it seems fun to draw
You should, I would like to see your interpretation of an albino person
“Everything is a mountain”
@esther-c AWWWW yay!!! What did you think?? 💖 and tysm for reading <3
Tysm Ellette. that is very helpful. it’s hard to catch everything on my own😅
and yes, I know, I know, I haven’t posted in a while…I’m mostly in the editing stage, so I haven’t had anything really new to share 😅 and I’m trying to avoid some spoilers with the 2nd novel👀
buuuut maybe I’ll share a couple more scenes soon. We’ll have to see.
What is strength?
Strength, my son, is being who God has called you to be.you’re welcome!! Any time you want help I am more then willing to edit. 😊
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
I enjoyed it!!
There were a few things that I thought weren’t as good as they could have been though. I felt like Leon became pretty repetitive for at least half of the book. Isaiah kept saying similar things to him and he kept responding the same way. It did show how bitter he had become, but I did find it redundant and not packing as hard of a punch as maybe was intended. I also think that Leon’s behavior in the camp was odd. From what the books I’ve read where the main character is inside a concentration camp, they eventually kinda lose their fire to rebel against the Nazis. Not totally, but they just know it will be useless. They simply continue doing what they’re told to do and try to stay anonymous. I felt like Leon didn’t lose any of his humanity when he was in the camp, which I guess is a good thing if it was in a real life story, but in what I’ve heard and read, most people in the camp become kind of… numb, I guess. I didn’t get that idea from the way Leon thought and acted. (I’m not even sure if any of that made sense, loll)
On the flip side, I could tell from the beginning that Leon wasn’t exactly a super strong Christian, so his decline in faith didn’t surprise me. (Which I’m assuming is what you were going for). I also love how much he loved his wife. His love felt genuine and just so sweet. 🥰
As for Riker’s character arc, his sudden change to regret and shame felt really fast. I get that what he saw in the camp hit really hard, but I think it would be more natural if the shame slowly sunk in. Instead of, “Oh, this is all my fault,” it should be, “Oh… Wait… Did I help do all this? Oh man, I’ve been sending people here to die… I could have done something earlier, but I didn’t,” and then the shame really starts to sink in. (Obviously those thoughts wouldn’t be verbatim and it would happen a lot slower, if you know what I mean.)
I liked his and Fin’s relationship though!! Because… Fin’s an awesome character. :P(Of course, you probably already knew that. XD) I also really liked how you used…
oh man I can’t remember his nameeeeuhhhh, Jezyk??? I think that was it, Riker’s teenage friend that came in near the beginning of the book. *ahem* ANYWAY. I really liked how you used his death. I was totally not expecting it and was grieving with Riker. 🥺 I also loved seeing Riker sending his family away at the beginning, but only because it showcased his loyalty and love for his family. I like seeing that side of his character. <3I’m trying to think of what else i really enjoyed, but I can’t remember!!! (I finished the book last month and a lot has gone on since then 😅😂)
That’s all I have for now!! If you have any specific questions that you want me to answer, I’d be more than happy to!
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
If you don’t want the mom dead, maybe she lost her mind and was shut in an asylum? (Sort of like the Longbottoms in Harry Potter). Or she was abducted?
Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.