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@theducktator 8 or 9
Ok, first off, I love Jenny and also how you made the unicorn have cloven hooves.
I do have some critiques, though. Sorry if they aren’t helpful.
I don’t think giving your characters what they want is a good idea, unless you’re writing a tragedy. If I gave Ellie the safety that she wanted, she would isolate herself from everyone and everything and become her own black hole. If I gave Dante the freedom that he wanted, he would literally and metaphorically burn everything around him until there was nothing left. Even if it’s a good thing, what people want the most is often the thing that will ruin them.
For some reason, Chase’s self-sacrificial behavior bothers me and I think I’ve figured out why. From what I’ve seen from the school rp, Chase barely has any heathy relationships with people. (I know the rp isn’t canon, but it’s where I’ve seen him the most.) His selflessness with his friends seems much more anxiety driven than just a selfless love. He seems to have an anxious attachment kinda thing going on. Which makes a lot of sense with his backstory.
For example, he barely knows Marcel, but after feeling like he offended him, he beats himself up and risks his life for him, and still hates himself afterwards and doesn’t feel like he’s forgiven. This self-sacrifice seems to come out of a feeling of self-loathing and a fear of rejection, not out of love. There’s a difference between humility and thinking of yourself as nothing and a difference between selflessness and self-destruction.
So what I think I’m trying to say is that I don’t think this quality in Chase should be celebrated, at least not until it’s redeemed. I think the ultimate sacrifice for Chase wouldn’t be something physical, since he is never shown to be someone who values his own life in the first place. If you want him to be truly self-sacrificial, figure out what his idol is, and have him give up that.Sorry for the ramble. I’m in a rambly plot writing mood.
“Nothing says autumn like slurpin’ apples.” -my uncle
Why do I always either not respond to these things, or respond with 3+ giant paragraphs?? There’s pretty much no in between XD
“Nothing says autumn like slurpin’ apples.” -my uncle
DISCLAIMER: GRAMMAR
NAZIPATRIOT RANT AHEAD.My only critique would be the use of the word “alright”. It’s not technically a word. The correct term would be all right. I’m sorry, but that word just drives me insane.
My forum signature is ridiculously accurate right now.There are two types of people in this world. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
Okay…after reading it again and reading the other’s comments…
I completely agree with @whaley and @loopy.
Chase has always kind of bothered me for the exact reason that Loopy said, but I couldn’t put it into words until I saw her post.
It doesn’t ever seem like he’s being “kind” because all it is is him beating himself up and feeling like he has to give. I think true sacrifice comes from wanting to, not from feeling like you “have to” in order to feel like you’re enough.
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Girl are you psychic or something? Because I couldn’t figure out exactly how I felt about Chase’s sacrifice until you just voiced it. That’s exactly what I was trying to say 😂 I can understand why it’s tempting to write a character getting their way though. It’s basically their element, even though it’s a flaw.
If you want him to be truly self-sacrificial, figure out what his idol is, and have him give up that.
This.
Also I don’t mean to beat up on Rae at all, and I’m sure Loops doesn’t either, I just find this thought process very interesting.
“Everything is a mountain”
Girl are you psychic or something? Because I couldn’t figure out exactly how I felt about Chase’s sacrifice until you just voiced it.
Exactly!!!! XD XD
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333@rae
Just to clarify, I think that Chase having that flaw makes him a good and realistic character. I’m not critiquing his flaw, I’m critiquing that it’s being shown as a virtue.“Nothing says autumn like slurpin’ apples.” -my uncle
@whalekeeper @savannah_grace2009
XD I’m glad I’m actually making some sense“Nothing says autumn like slurpin’ apples.” -my uncle
@loopylin @whalekeeper @savannah_grace2009
I blame all of you for the lack of sleep last night XD. Seriously, what Loopy said had me thinking.
I understand your concerns, but as of now, I’m not going to change anything with Chase and just keep him going on the path I have laid so far. The reason is there’s something different in Chase. I haven’t been able to figure it all out yet, but once I do, I’ll know which path to take with him.
When I drop into his cloak, with the Marcel incident, everything is dark, as he usually is. But when I drop into his cloak with Jenny, everything is like a ray of sunshine. Maybe it means something, or maybe it means nothing. Idk.
Believe me, the rest of my week will be mostly sleepless thinking about this, and I’ll update you when I come to a decision.
Don’t get me wrong, I did hear you. And some things will change. No matter my decision. I just don’t want to change until I have fully explored this strange new thing.
All right. 🙂 Thank you.
"You need French Toast."
@princesachronicle22 @hybridlore @grcr @koshka
Ok. Wow, I’m off for one day and the whole world tags me. You should see my inbox!!! lol. Ok, because I don’t want to go back and weed through who said what, I’m just tagging y’all who tagged me and replying to the world in general.
So, for the cover, it looks like I’ll be doing style seven. Thanks y’all for helping with that!!!
As for the blurb. Hmm, well, The only part I’m ok with the reader knowing that won’t spoil the story is this:
There are two kingdoms, Arvendel and Valora who have been at war with each other for longer then anyone can remember. no one knows why the war started, but everyone knows that when a boy hits sixteen it’s his duty to march off and fight, and the only way he’s returning home is dead, wounded, or victorious. This causes a the subjects of both kingdoms to fall into poverty, (Only the men on leave are working) and also the population goes down drastically. (No men, no marriage, no marriage, no children……)
Every peace treaty between the kingdoms has been broken, and they cannot come to an agreement to live side-by-side in harmony.
The king and queen of Valora die, leaving their adolescent daughter in the care of her uncle who acts as Lord Protector until her 18th birthday. The queen of Arvendel is dead, and the king is dying. This will leave his 19 year old son as the heir to the throne.
Before the king dies, and the year Christine is 17, the king and Lord Protector make an arrangement. They will join the two kingdoms into one, by joining the thrones into one. To do this, Christine and Friedrich, the sole heirs, must get married.
Both are honorable and willing to make a sacrifice for their country, (Friedrich, who has fought as a soldier for several years, is more ready and willing then Christine) But the two believe that they can have a marriage of politics and just continue on to live their own separate lives.
Of course, this isn’t going to work.
So, that would be all the info I’m willing for the reader to know before they actually read the book. Any thoughts or ideas?
Oh dear. Jonathan has people riled up.
Jonathan, you reckless, courageous, foolish kid. What did you think you were doing?
I don’t think he thought it through. But I think he thought he was going to rescue a kid from a really evil situation. It just didn’t work. Because it couldn’t work. (I also love the fact that the kid totally flips on him and then says Jonathan needs to be killed for what he did. I mean come on man, did you really think a highly trained brainwashed soldier kid would really follow like a little puppy?)
Literally, Jonathan has me so stressed right now!! That was so intense! What was he thinking!!?? DUDE! 😑
What was he thinking? Hmm, maybe he WASN’T thinking. He often tries to do what’s right……. but sometimes he would do with a good long moment of thought process.
Now, because he didn’t think, he’s gonna die. So cold, so sad, bye-bye now. (Moral of the story; always think before you act kids)
hehehehe.
Anyone want to read what happens to him?
Or do we not like sad death scenes?Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
What was he thinking? Hmm, maybe he WASN’T thinking. He often tries to do what’s right……. but sometimes he would do with a good long moment of thought process.
*sighs*
Now, because he didn’t think, he’s gonna die. So cold, so sad, bye-bye now. (Moral of the story; always think before you act kids)
lol 😂😂
Anyone want to read what happens to him? Or do we not like sad death scenes?
YESSSS. I must read! 😈😈
🤍 Ira | Jara | Evelyn | Flaz | Blaine 🤍
I don’t think anyone was saying that you need to change Chase. Like Loopy and Whaley said, it’s not bad that he has that flaw, because he’s a flawed character that grows and changes in your story. We were just concerned that you were portraying him as more of a hero and that flaw was celebrated.
@whalekeeper @loopylin correct me if I’m wrong…XDLukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Ok then. You asked for it!!
Jonathan’s eyes widened in terror and his face went white. He had expected imprisonment and perhaps more interrogations. His mind had already been working through all the escape tactics he knew of. Now, he stopped short. Death? The thought had never crossed his mind. It was in that moment that Jonathan realized something. The thought had never crossed his mind because he hadn’t been thinking at all. Now it was clear as day. Of course they would kill him. The Lieutenant didn’t want him anymore, what else was he supposed to do besides get rid of Jonathan. Permanently.
Defeat swept over Jonathan and he silently cursed his actions. He had acted rashly, out of blind anger, throwing away everything, and now he would pay for this foolishness with his life.
“Yes sir,” said 107, with a cruel smile. He grabbed Jonathan’s arms, yanking him to his feet and shoving him at 472. The soldier grabbed Jonathan and yanked him around toward the vehicles. Jonathan was too terrified to do anything but let himself be dragged toward one of the cars.
The Lieutenant stepped into their path and 472 stopped, yanking Jonathan to a standstill. The Lieutenant leaned close to Jonathan. “It is a pity,” he said. “Not only will you die, but you have thrown away your life for nothing. My young soldier was not in the least ways effected by your actions. This was all for nothing.” The Lieutenant shoved Jonathan away and turned. 472 yanked him toward the car. He opened the back door and roughly forced Jonathan into the seat, then he slammed the door and walked around to the front. He opened the driver’s side door and stepped into the car. 472 pulled the door closed, fastened his seat belt, and shifted the car into reverse.
472 put a hand on the passenger seat and turned to look over his shoulder as he backed the car onto the road. He glanced at Jonathan. “Sit still kid, if you know what’s good for you,” he warned. He looked ahead, shifted his car into drive, and started down the road.
“Kid? I bet I’m no younger then you,” replied Jonathan, but the retort was feeble. His courage had failed him, and he knew this was truly the end.
The headlights shone brightly, and Jonathan looked out the windshield trying to guess what road they would take. After a moment, he leaned back, but winced and sat straight again, when he was painfully reminded his hands were still cuffed behind his back. The silence made Jonathan more nervous than he already was, if that was possible. “Where are you taking me?” he asked.
“Be quiet,” snapped 472.
The radio in the car crackled and the voice of the Lieutenant came over it. “If the kid wants to spit info, let him do it. It’ll be useful. Don’t shut him up.”
“Yes Sir,” replied 472. He glanced at Jonathan through the rearview mirror. Their eyes met for a brief moment, and then Jonathan looked away. He stared out the window and watched the houses go past, trying to get control of himself and the emotions that swirled in him like a storm. Mainly fear, but also sadness, anger, and regret. He wished he could have done more, he wished he hadn’t been so rash. Whatever sacrifice his parents had made to save him was wasted. He had survived this long, only to throw it away on something that would never be known. Jonathan sighed. If he could go back and do differently he would. Is this what you died for? So that your son could live in hiding with a gang of thieves for seven years and then throw away his life on something stupid and meaningless? What was it all for? You should have just given me to them in the beginning, at least then you wouldn’t be dead. Instead, you died so that I could hide, and then practically hand myself over.
For some reason, though he knew what was going to happen, the whole situation didn’t seem real. In fact, after the initial horrified shock, Jonathan no longer felt the stabbing fear. He was numb physically and mentally. The more he thought about it, the more Jonathan’s mind refused to wrap around the idea that he was about to die.
Jonathan rested his head against the window and replayed everything in his mind. he kept thinking of Jim. He regretted that the last moments spent with the man who had cared for him the last seven years had been moments of quarreling. Why oh why did I say that to Jim in front of Viper? Why did I even care what he thought. That man told Jim to snap my neck or leave me for the Agents. Jim stood up to him and risked his life so that I could live. He didn’t even know me. Then, after he’s cared for me for seven years I say I never needed him just to impress the man who wanted me dead. Jonathan closed his eyes, wishing with all that he was that he could redo that encounter. The fact that he and Jim had made up did little to console him. He would have hit me for it, but I wish I had told him how much he meant to me. I wish I could have shown him that the love and care he poured out on me wasn’t wasted. “I’m sorry Jim,” he whispered.
Suddenly, Jonathan was aware that the car was slowing. He used his shoulder to push himself off the window and looked out the windshield. The dawn was approaching, and a gray light lit the car’s surrounding. They were coming up on a gate, and Jonathan realized it was the gate to the city. 472 brought the car to a stop beside the gatehouse. Two men in uniform were there, one on a computer, the other standing outside the gatehouse, holding a flashlight. He walked over to the car and 472 rolled down the window. The man leaned down and spoke. “What’s your business?”
“I have a kid that needs to be gotten rid of,” replied 472.
The sentry flashed the light over the back seats and the beam hit Jonathan, who was deliberately staring out the other window. He turned back to 472. “Who gave the orders?”
“Don’t bother me with stupid questions. Go check for yourself. You should have a message,” retorted 472
The man stepped back from the car and pulled out his radio. Jonathan watched out of the corner of his eye as the man talked. For a moment he felt a flicker of hope. Perhaps something had gone wrong. Maybe––
The man stepped back to the window. “You’re all clear. Sorry about that, but I’ve never seen you carry out one of these missions.”
“There’s always a first,” replied 472.
“ID?” demanded the guard.
472 handed over a card and the man scanned it with a small device in his hand, then He handed the card back. “Number?”
472 pushed his coat sleeve up and held out his wrist. The man took the scanner and a red light flashed from it in a thin stream. He ran a light over 472’s wrist where the number was imprinted, and then he looked back at his screen. He pushed a few buttons and glanced up. “You’re cleared.” He stepped back and spoke into his radio. A moment later, the stone gates parted, sliding into either side of the wall. 472 drove through, and the gates slid closed.
The road was lined by a high stone wall. Jonathan closed his eyes and took in a slow breath. Please let this all be another nightmare! Please let it be a nightmare!
It was about ten minutes or more before the car turned sharply. Jonathan started and looked up in-time to see that they were driving through a gate in the wall. Jonathan closed his eyes tightly and tried to swallow.
472 put the car in park and stepped out. He came to Jonathan’s door and opened it. Grabbing his arm, 472 yanked him to his feet. Jonathan watched with apprehension, as 472 moved behind him. The handcuffs parted from around his wrists and 472 pocketed them. Then, he grabbed Jonathan and twisted his arm behind his back, shoving him forward against the wall. Jonathan pressed his cheek against the cool stone, his fingers digging into the cracks of the wall. He heard 472 take a step back and unholster his gun. There was a click and then a long silence.
Jonathan was too terrified to move, and his breath came in uneven jerks.
Everything suddenly became vividly real. The grass at his feet, the breeze blowing through his hair, the splendor of the sky as the sun began to light the horizon, every breath that filled his lungs, every heartbeat that pounded in his chest, the texture of the stone against his palms and fingertips, a rough edge of the wall pressing into his bruised cheekbone… Everything in Jonathan cried out against what was happening. Life suddenly felt so sweet, so beautiful, so wonderful, and death seemed so cold and frightening. Jonathan desperately wanted to live just one more day, one more hour, one more moment. “Don’t let it end here! Not like this!” his mind screamed at him. But Jonathan knew he could do nothing. What happens when I die? Is there truly a God? What does that mean for me?
Faces flickered through Jonathan’s mind. Jim laughing, his father kissing his mother, his brother flashing his fingers in a V. Jonathan closed his eyes against hot tears of hopeless despair. There is no Victory anymore. Only death. . .
Behind him, 472 took aim and pulled the trigger.
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
I blame all of you for the lack of sleep last night XD
I’m sorry!! I just want to take your writing seriously. My own writing only improves when I have potential critiques on the horizon 😅 I hope this doesn’t discourage you. If I ever post something, you are free to critique it as revenge, lol.
And hey we all get confused over our projects XD
I’m not going to change anything with Chase and just keep him going on the path I have laid so far. The reason is there’s something different in Chase. I haven’t been able to figure it all out yet, but once I do, I’ll know which path to take with him… Maybe it means something, or maybe it means nothing. Idk.
Character decisions can be annoyingly spontaneous 😂 You feel close to your characters. Trust me, I get it, some of my ‘cloaks’ have been on-and-off for 10+ years.
I think it would help if you took off Chase’s cloak and figure out why Rae liked writing this scene. That always helps me when my characters make out-of-control decisions…
Because ultimately the character isn’t real and it’s the author wanting the scene to happen 🤷♀️
“Everything is a mountain”
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