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Don’t think I’ve posted this before, but have been wanting to.It’s the beginning scenes for Black Wolf, Green Eyes, Chase’s second novel idea. If you don’t know, Chase is a young man by now.
@freed_and_redeemed @savannah_grace2009 I have a Chase scene you may or may not have seen before“You boys have five minutes to finish before we head out again,” Chief Aaron notified the forest rangers and some search-and-rescue volunteers sipping coffee and finishing breakfast on the porch of a lodge.
“Any news on Duke, Chief?”
“No. I assume his radio is dead.”
“How do you expect to find a child when your own men are going missing in the forest?” A volunteer huffed, watering the ground below the railing with the remnants of his coffee.
“Chase is very capable of taking care of himself.” Chief Aaron retaliated. “They say he even lived two weeks in the forest by himself when he was barely a teen. And I’d swear in court that he…” The Chief never had chance to finish, for just then, coming from the edge of the forest came the familiar voice and figure of one of the forest rangers.
“Ch-chief!” The young man had black hair, with a few small twigs. His eyes were angled down, but they could be seen to be oddly black. He wore a white undershirt, with his tan button-down uniform wrapped around the skinny form of a child in his arms. For his own slim stature, the volunteers wondered where he had the strength to carry the child without struggle. Chief Aaron was immediately there, taking the boy, who was calm and sleepy, from Chase.
“Any injuries?”
Chase shook his head. “C-couple scratches. No stitches.”
Chief nodded. “He should still go to the hospital. Arnold, would you take care of him? I’m gonna go call his folks. Chase, go wash up.”
Chase nodded in silence, flicking his gaze at the boy before obeying the chief’s command. Chief Aaron hushed the volunteers and kept them away from Chase Duke as the quiet young man passed by them like a shadow.
“Gargoyles and thickets, griffins and briskets."
Mm. Yeah, I guess it’s not bad at all then! 🙂🙂
Fin knew. Riker knew.
Fin wasn’t afraid. Riker was terrified.I read your scene, and overall, I think it’s really good. I’m not very good at critiquing, but I did want to mention just a couple things I noticed.
One, Mandin said it would take Nahim several minutes to defeat an opponent with a sword. Exchanges with swords actually usually last for a handful of seconds.
(Btw, do you have an in-universe reason why swords are still used? Just curious)
And the one other thing is that if Nahim’s sword belonged to his father, it would probably mean quite a lot to him and he wouldn’t just chuck it on the ground, right?
Home is where your massive, overflowing collection of LEGO bricks is.
Oh, I also read your scene for Chase’s book. Don’t really have any comments, but I like it. Nice title, too.
Home is where your massive, overflowing collection of LEGO bricks is.
One, Mandin said it would take Nahim several minutes to defeat an opponent with a sword. Exchanges with swords actually usually last for a handful of seconds.
I know that, you know that, Nahim knows that, but Mandin? Sure, he probably does, but he’s trying to make a point. He’s been attempting to get Nahim into guns for a really long time, and while Nahim has dabbled some, he’s also just like “I really don’t like these.”
(Btw, do you have an in-universe reason why swords are still used? Just curious)
For one, these aren’t normal swords. For two, for most Realn it’s a matter of learning the skill and carrying one for sake of tradition. Some have ancient blades, but that’s rare. Nahim wears one (actually two right now) cuz his training master was Master Dare who was famous for saving the dragons from extinction and for his swordplay, and he loved them as a child, and it’s Realn tradition.
Even Space Skwad Guardians wear a knife or sword still.
There also may be some other reasons to, but those are little vague wisps inside of my mind.
And the one other thing is that if Nahim’s sword belonged to his father, it would probably mean quite a lot to him and he wouldn’t just chuck it on the ground, right?
He probably forgot in his anger that he was using his father’s sword. He has two swords with the same blades, just his father’s has an engraved hilt.
There is a reason I had him do this. Next chapter, Vorgan captures Nahim, and takes Nahim’s weapons. I didn’t want Vorgan to have Master Anoran’s sword, and Mandin will need it later to convince Nahim that **Sorry not gonna tell you guys yet**.
So I do have my reasons for all this, it just appears like I have no idea what I’m doing
which I actually don’t but you never heard me say that.“Gargoyles and thickets, griffins and briskets."
@anyone else who’s read Nahim is bad at guns
I take it back!
So, I was doing some research stuff this afternoon, ya know, adding more suspicious stuff to my search history, and finally looked up how to correctly write a sword fight, cuz I’ve been avoiding those since I’m really bad at fight scenes. During my quest for knowledge, I discovered that someone can learn to be deadly with swords in a few months to two years with a good tutor. Realn train for almost nine years before they are allowed to officially become warriors. Nahim’s training master for eight years was Master Dare, who was famous for his swordplay. Assuming, Nahim took two years training with swords, that still leaves six years! So, I’m gonna change stuff up.
Though, beware, I’m not changing anything officially in my WIP until I research about Sparta. But for now, Nahim was tutored in the use of the gungedal and is about as good as Mandin.
“Gargoyles and thickets, griffins and briskets."
Next chapter, Vorgan captures Nahim, and takes Nahim’s weapons.
Wait really??!!!! I want to read that!!! I love capture scenes. Especial if the badguys are really mean and the hero still doesn’t lose his head. all though, from what I’ve seen of Nahim………
As for the fight scene thing, it really does end in a few seconds. A fight that goes longer is much more dangerous. The longer the fight, the more cuts the fighters will have. The more cuts, the more bloodloss. More bloodloss causes lightheadedness, stupid mistakes and slow reflexes. These make the fight go longer, which causes more wounds, which in turn….. You getting the picture?
A good example of an awesome fight scene done well is Equilibrium’s fight between Clearic John Preston and the traitor. They’re facing off across a room, and the villian says, “Be careful with that coat John, it’ll be mine in a moment.” Then he charges and there’s epic music and you’re getting ready to watch another twenty minute fight scene and then bang. over. John makes one cut to the face, one stab to the chest, and it is over. all done. It happens so fast that you’re just blinking going, “wait what? wasn’t this the star-wars type epic duel?”
The scene is not one I would recommend watching because the scene gets pretty brutal right afterwards, and I don’t know how much of it the video is going to show. But……. all that to say, a good fight is quick, dead, done.
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
Sorry, this is a bit late, but here’s a critique as requested.
The opponent blocked, swinging its second sword
I was a bit confused why you used ‘its’ as the pronoun here. After finishing the paragraph, I realized that it must be some sort of virtual opponent, but I did read over the sentence a couple times in confusion before reading on and getting an explanation. I think if you just used ‘his’ instead it might flow a bit better, even if the virtual opponent isn’t technically a ‘he.’ Your call though.
“You don’t understand, do you? It’s not just because I’m gifted with swords that I keep pursuing them, it’s because I have to be better than Vorgan. Vorgan doesn’t pull out the firepower, he kills all his personal victims by sword because it’s more sporting. I want him to reach the same sporting end.”
This seems like a surprisingly honest answer. From what I know of Nahim, I’m surprised that he would say this. You know your characters better than I do, though, so if you think this is in character, keep it in.
“An obsession. I have no problem with ya improving your skills,
So, I know Mandin’s use of ‘ya’ is an accent thing, but in some places, it feels a bit awkward to read. In the middle of a long sentence, it’s a bit jarring. I think that there are probably some places where you could cut it. Using ‘ya’ should get the accent fixed in the reader’s mind well enough that they will keep reading with Mandin’s accent in their head even if you use the regular ‘you’ at some points. The ‘ya’s really draw attention to themselves, which is unnecessary and just a bit distracting if the reader is already thinking Mandin’s accent.
What Ehyeh did to me!
This is another thing that seems a bit too honest. Nahim might very well feel this subconsciously, but it doesn’t seem like something he would put into words, let alone say to someone else.
“What’s the matter with him?” Mandin walked over and picked up Nahim’s sword, weighing it in his hand. “I’ll keep this until he asks for it. Right now, I’d rather not speak with him.
I don’t think this internal dialogue is really necessary. I think it’s pretty obvious that this is what he would be thinking and putting it into exact words feels a bit awkward.
Overall, I think this is a strong scene, though it’s hard for me to judge without the surrounding context of the story. I feel like I understand Nahim’s motivations more than I did before. It definitely highlights his issues, but maybe just a bit too obviously. Nice job!
PS. I didn’t read anyone else’s feedback, so sorry if I’m repeating anything other people said.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
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📚 Appreciator of BooksFor one, these aren’t normal swords. For two, for most Realn it’s a matter of learning the skill and carrying one for sake of tradition. Some have ancient blades, but that’s rare. Nahim wears one (actually two right now) cuz his training master was Master Dare who was famous for saving the dragons from extinction and for his swordplay, and he loved them as a child, and it’s Realn tradition.
Even Space Skwad Guardians wear a knife or sword still.
There also may be some other reasons to, but those are little vague wisps inside of my mind.
The sword question is actually something I was wondering for a while. Irl, a person with a sword would stand no chance against a person with a gun, unless they were able to sneak up without the gun person seeing them, so it even if it’s for tradition, it seems a bit strange to spend so much time learning a weapon that is completely outmoded.
Am I right in thinking that Mithaln armor is bulletproof? I seem to recall that even the swords can’t cut through it, in which case that could help explain why swords are still used. It would be much easier to find the gaps in armor with a bladed weapon than shooting someone from a distance.
🏰 Fantasy Writer
✨ Magic System Creator
🎭 Character RPer
📚 Appreciator of BooksWait really??!!!! I want to read that!!! I love capture scenes. Especial if the badguys are really mean and the hero still doesn’t lose his head. all though, from what I’ve seen of Nahim………
He does pretty well in the beginning, but then Vorgan uses Nahim’s greatest fear to break him. It’s the darkest hour in my book, and I haven’t written it fully yet.
Critisms noted. Thank you.
And about Nahim being very honest and open, this is in like chapter…21 I think. I’m supposed to be only writing in chapters 10 and 11 and a few other little places, but I wrote this scene after a bit of midnight inspiration struck me. Mandin is Nahim’s best friend, and it’s also a lot later in the book than you last saw him. Nahim has begun to be more honest with those around him, even admitting sometimes that he’s not okay. Which, for Nahim, that’s huge.
it seems a bit strange to spend so much time learning a weapon that is completely outmoded.
Funny you should mention that, cuz Nahim’s name in the Wondian Galaxy means Strange One. It was mostly his eyes that gave him this name, but it seems to fit him in more ways than one.
I don’t think Nahim will ever hang up his swords, no matter how impractical.
Am I right in thinking that Mithaln armor is bulletproof? I seem to recall that even the swords can’t cut through it, in which case that could help explain why swords are still used. It would be much easier to find the gaps in armor with a bladed weapon than shooting someone from a distance.
You are right. In fact, Nahim even had an entire palace collapse with him and he survived because of Mithaln.
Though, Mithaln is almost exclusively used by Realn, since they only know how to forge it. And those caught wearing it who aren’t Realn can get in big trouble with a Realn. Realn see it as a sign of the Code they follow, so they especially don’t like lawless people wearing it.
But at the same time, by now, other armors for different cultures have been developed.
Just a random fact, golden Mithaln is the vein of Mithaln the Realn emperor wears, and it can put normal Mithaln to shame. But there’s only been one suit of armor and one sword of it ever made. And those are locked deep inside the Labyrinth right now, where no man can get to them besides the Guardian and the one who will next rise to take the throne.
“Gargoyles and thickets, griffins and briskets."
He does pretty well in the beginning, but then Vorgan uses Nahim’s greatest fear to break him. It’s the darkest hour in my book, and I haven’t written it fully yet.
Ooooo, love it!!! YES YES YES!! You have to post that scene as soon as you write it!!
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
@jonas @freed_and_redeemed @savannah_grace2009 @highscribeofaetherium @rae
btw, anyone interested in taking a look at the character boards I just finished up?
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
Ok, here’s the first one.
Riker dropped his voice to a soft whisper. “…I’m home.”
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