- This topic has 7,001 replies, 64 voices, and was last updated 7 minutes ago by
.
-
Posts
-
(and I was over here excited, like: HEYYY, RIKER PLAYS VIOLIN!! XD)
He doesss?? Me too!! XD How long has he played?
(Dude, it sounds like I’m talking about a real person. XD Actually, I was giving an analogy in youth group the other day and I noticed that I started talking about characters like they were real people. I had to clarify myself so those in my small group didn’t think I needed help or something 🤣)
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Oki, I read it!
Overall, I think it’s well-paced and has a great amount of description. I could understand the basic setting and tech even though it isn’t my own world or story. The ship’s name, The Nightmare, automatically makes me want to root for it XD
I especially liked Mandin’s appearance! You used body language, but almost more importantly to me, character design to convince me of his trustworthiness. The colors brown, green, and blond give me comfortable earthy tones.
I have a couple critiques. One, there was a quick switch between Nahim and Mandin’s POVs. While that might elevate Mandin’s trustworthiness, it threw me out of the scene because I started questioning whose POV the entire scene belonged to. It switched back to Nahim just as quickly.
Two, this feels like a sudden backstory reveal. In the scene before, Nahim was hesitant to talk about his story. Here, he acts almost casual in front of Mandin about it. He didn’t have to show the article to Mandin; he could have turned the screen off. This is my opinion but it felt out of character compared to the last scene.
That’s what I’ve got 🙂
#ProtectAdolinKholin
To clarify, this scene comes before the last one I shared.
Mandin already knew Nahim was a Nayhelm, that’s why he showed the article to Mandin. He’s also being casual because for one he’s tired, he got very little sleep, and for two, he hasn’t promised to tell Mandin yet, and Mandin often asks him every few days/weeks in tiny subtle ways. From a raised eyebrow to an actual question.
Nahim acts different here because it is a different setting. But your second observation is noted, and I will dampen Nahim.
Okay, now that I have violated the number order of one then two, I’ll do your first observation…
Yeah, I have a problem with that. Mainly cuz the POV of my stories in my head automatically defaults to a person called Ru Eis. While some people think it unique when I tell them that, others find it confusing. Some say to change it, some say to keep it. It’s two different meadows, and I need to find where I want the fox cubs of my stories to play.
Funny you mention character design, cuz I did that by accident. Except his brown eyes, those have always been kind, and meant to show his personality.
Thank you for reading it <3
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)To clarify, this scene comes before the last one I shared.
Oh, okay. I couldn’t tell, but it seemed like Nahim potentially told Mandin something in between these two scenes, so I assumed they were in order. Got it 😊
I feel like Nahim’s backstory is an important secret that he doesn’t talk about. But couldn’t Mandin research what happens to Nahim’s family anyway? There’s a news report on the Nayhelm family and everything. If he’s the polite type who won’t dig into others’ problems then forget I asked.
Yeah, I have a problem with that. Mainly cuz the POV of my stories in my head automatically defaults to a person called Ru Eis. While some people think it unique when I tell them that, others find it confusing.
I ain’t questioning writers’ methods. You do whatever as long as it doesn’t cause more problems than it solves.
Thank you for reading it <3
Of course <3<3
#ProtectAdolinKholin
Hey girl! 😊❤️ How’s life? Any progress on your series or are you embracing a different part of life rn?
#ProtectAdolinKholin
@whalekeeper @esther-c (Hmm, he’s probably been playing since he was…mmm 10 probably. His mother taught him how to play, hehe. Although he stopped for several years…so he’s probably played for around…7 years or so?? He stopped after he married Iris, but still remembers how to play. (he even plays it in Freedom’s Fire once <3)) @rae @koshka @elishavet-pidyon @loopylin @anyone-else-idk-lol
Sooooo I’ve been working on a new book idea…
this character I’m about to show has been in my head for a while, and the 2nd MC (that I will probably show at a later time once I get him more figured out XD) decided he’d make a place to stay in my head yesterday.
anywho, I’m trying to give this character a more unique/different voice from some of my other characters, and I was wondering if y’all like this voice and I’m also curious how y’all feel about him just from this small snippet!
Feel free to share any thoughts…I really wanna know y’all’s thoughts about him as a character from this small snippet if y’all don’t mind <3
Someone once told him that keeping someone alive was as simple as remembering them and holding them close—holding onto every memory they positioned themselves inside.
Logically, it wasn’t sound. But what was logic anymore if not something only some bothered to possess?
He presumed that there was no keeping someone alive—there was no saving someone that was already gone. If only there were such a way.
Matthias Richter’s steady fingers pushed his glasses against the bridge of his nose. Tall windows that stretched almost from floor to ceiling permitted a steady amount of light to pour into the large library, illuminating the book in his free hand.
“I’m pleased to see you reading that book, Matthias. I hope it will help you understand why the work so many of us do is so important.”
Matthias adjusted his white collar, setting the book on one of his knees. “Father, I have never read a book so full of…I don’t think I have a word for it.”
“It’s very thought-provoking, Matthias. I know.”
Matthias peered up at his father, who stood, adjusting his black uniform. A skull and crossbones glinted in the sunlight; his father turned on his heel to face him and raised a single eyebrow, something Werner Richter did all too often. “What are you staring at?”
“It is nothing, Father,” Matthias knew his father wouldn’t ponder such a situation more than what was deemed a necessity, “but I should return to reading.”
Werner nodded. “I will leave you to do so. I have a meeting this evening. I have already spoken with your Mutti; I hope to return by morning.”
With that, Werner Richter turned on his heel and marched out of the room, arms stiff, body erect, a soldier as he always was.
Matthias sighed and set Mein Kampf, a book he truthfully had no desire to read, aside.
Fine oak bookshelves lined the tall walls on every side where a window didn’t stand, minus where a large, ebony, double door sat as the entrance and exit of the library, the slick wood almost gleaming in the light of the sun.
He tilted his head back in the plump armchair and stared at the marbled ceiling above.
It didn’t seem right. Gratefulness was key, that much he understood fully. But what was wealth if it wasn’t—couldn’t be shared with those who didn’t possess even a tenth of such prosperity?
They had comfort; they possessed wealth when the multitude were uncomfortable, and the population were locked in poverty.
People placed blindfolds over their eyes; civilians shoved their heads into the sand.
Germans pretended the evil around them was nonexistent; the free world diverted their eyes from the suffering.
If only there was something Matthias Richter could do about it. If only there was some way, some possible, out of the blue way that he could fight for the innocents that couldn’t fight for themselves.
If only there was a way to get his own head out of the sinking sands of cowardice.
I started typing a reply like 3 times and then forgot to send it. Oops.
I’m glad Mandin isn’t evil! I liked your scene, and I didn’t see any major problems.
The door to the cockpit slid open, and in stepped a muscular man, with black roots to his blond hair, a pale brown face, and gecko brown eyes. His Realn armor was a light chocolate milk brown, with lines of merry spring green along the edges of the plates. He was smiling, revealing two perfect rows of white teeth.
He’s cute. XD. One thing though, usually when people smile I only see one row of teeth.
“Wow, an entire sentence first thing in the morning!”
That would be an achievement for me too. XD.
I am concerned about Nahim now. Poor guy.
🎵For our blessed lady's sake, bring us in good ale!🎵
He’s cute. XD.
Never expected that reaction…XD
One thing though, usually when people smile I only see one row of teeth.
True. Though, I was known for a ridiculously large smile when I was little(r) so large both rows were at least partly visible.
And that one stupid canine tooth that grew faster than my other teeth that for a while looked kinda like I had a short fang.Anyways, I often imagine that wide smile on Mandin. So it’s not completely wrong, but thank you for mentioning this. I shall change it.I feel like Nahim’s backstory is an important secret that he doesn’t talk about. But couldn’t Mandin research what happens to Nahim’s family anyway? There’s a news report on the Nayhelm family and everything. If he’s the polite type who won’t dig into others’ problems then forget I asked.
Nahim’s back story is the reason for the entire plot of the story, that’s why I reveal it early on, in chapter five or so. He doesn’t talk about it much because it gives him trauma as well as if it leaked out who he was, he would endanger not only himself but anyone he came in contact with.
Mandin is polite, but can also be curious to a fault. 50/50 chance he would research Nahim’s back story. If he did, he would find very little.
There are around a trillion Realn in the Wondian Galaxy. While there were only in the hundreds of Nayhelm before they were killed, to accurately and efficiently find Nahim’s info, he would not only have to find files purposefully hidden, but would have to know Nahim’s middle name, maternal and paternal names and description of eye and hair color. Nahim has never disclosed this. All Mandin knows is he is called Nahim Nayhelm and he was born on Laxor, has a Nayhelmic accent sometimes (he hides it at times) and writes in his journal in Dragonic, which is considered an almost sacred language.
Nahim is actually written officially as “missing but presumed dead” and his name is listed in those who died in the Invasion of Laxan on the planet Laxor. Also for whatever reason, Nahim’s medical history of both his surgery and recovery from the voice box incident are gone or buried. His tracks have been thoroughly covered up. None save Nanains survived the Laxan Invasion, so it is written. Any bodies not found are labeled “missing but presumed dead” since many bodies are buried under feet of rubble, or burned by lava. Nahim is the sole non-Nanian survivor, and never reported it. Mandin would only find (if he tried and even could find the correct Nahim Nayhelm) the records of his childhood and his name among the dead. After that, radio silence.
Sorry for the rant, I just figured I should explain.
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)Hey! We’re back! Judging by how long it’s been since anyone has been posting on here, I’m guessing you all were unable to get on KP, too? For the past two days, every time I tried to get on, it gave me an error message.
"Real love is for your good, not for your comfort." -Justin Whitmel Earley
It’s good to be back! I was getting concerned.
🎵For our blessed lady's sake, bring us in good ale!🎵
Yeah, I’m glad it’s working again. I was seriously worried.
A disturbingly short time ago, in a land uncomfortably close by...
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.