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@rae Hiiiiiiiii!!!
First off, your descriptions are absolutely FABULOUS, girl!! Like, I can see this scene so much <3
and now for your questions…
- Not at all! I think it’s a good length for a scene!
- nope, I don’t think so!
- Yessssss, very much so! I really loved the body language and it really conveyed Nahim’s feelings/emotions/fears for sure!
- A Violinnnnnnnnn (and I was over here excited, like: HEYYY, RIKER PLAYS VIOLIN!! XD)
- Personally, I love him already 😂 He seems very kind and sympathetic and understanding, although I don’t think this one scene is enough to make everyone totally love him. But if he continues this kindness, sympathy, etc…I think he could very well become a very lovable character. (but don’t make him perfect, because that isn’t very good either.)
Oh, and ty for the advice you gave! And thank you @koshka as well <3
I’m going to pop in and give my tidbit (because that’s so much more fun than homework).
1. Some scenes need to be short, some long, depending on what’s being delt with. This one may be short, but it’s a good length for the subject.
2. No? It just felt like a wrap up description of Mandin/a scene conclusion/transition to whatever was coming next.
3. The body language made sense as a natural trauma response. He’s obviously got some mental baggage here, and it’s not gonna be fun to drag up. The body language actually describes how bad his past is without any other telling.
4. A stringed bowed instrument held on the shoulder so… violin or viola family.
5. I like him? He seems like an understanding friend (who is really curious but also slightly sorry for having made Nahim promise to spill everything). I have seen
stalkedyour writing elsewhere on KP and, yes, I like Mandin. In fact, he was once my favorite over Nahim as I could relate to him more. Now I’ve been out of it for a bit too long to have a solid opinion. XDAlso, I like that you have this scene showing Nahim’s reluctance ect. If you went straight from promise to confession things would feel rushed and unrealistic.
First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)
Fork the GorkYep, makes sense. One thing that threw me out a little was how Nahim stuttered a bit, and his shivery response. I haven’t seen much of this character but for some reason I picture him as the stoic, silent warrior type. The stuttering especially sounds like a younger man or boy – the type like in Way of Kings, with the boy who was drafted in the army and had absolutely no idea what war was like. I know that’s a big assumption, but if I was introduced to this scene blind – which I kind of am – that’s what I think of.
He stutters and has disconnected sentences when he doesn’t know what to say. His hands shake when he’s nervous. While he is often the warrior you imagine him as, this is the piece of my book where Mandin and Nahim are mostly alone in these chapters. Since this is the end of the second chapter, I’m trying to establish they are close friends. With any other person, Nahim would never be this vulnerable. Mandin is special.
Oh, and Nahim is actually nineteen here. Compared to the average natural life span of two hundred years for a Realn man, he’s rather young.
He seems kind. I can’t say I felt attached to him in this one scene, though. Right now his main trait is sympathy, which is a great trait to have, but I need a little more to give a verdict XD If you dive into his flaws and basic dynamic in some other scenes, I can imagine liking him.
Fair.
Actually on a different note, I thought he was younger than Nahim for some reason. I read the beginning of your story a while back… and I can’t remember if this is the same character, but there was a similar character in the first chapter. And if they are the same character, I also thought that man was young. Maybe even a teenager.
Mandin is 26 in the story. Nahim is 19. Mandin often does act kinda like he’s 16-18, while Nahim acts like he’s older.
The reason for this was indirectly mentioned by Nahim himself, “You may have the seven years, but I’ve had the fire.” I could go in depth about this statement, but I probably shouldn’t. Just know, while Nahim may appear older, Mandin is wiser and there are times it is clear who is the elder.
The reason for this scene is to show struggle. Nahim has kept to himself a piece of his life that comes back to haunt him every other night for four years. I doubt anyone would suddenly spill it all out. And the disappointment is also kinda purposeful, but since this is the second chapter, it’s not too great.
I thimk loyalty and honesty are two traits people admire.
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)Yessssss, very much so! I really loved the body language and it really conveyed Nahim’s feelings/emotions/fears for sure!
Good. I was worried it was kinda unclear.
A Violinnnnnnnnn (and I was over here excited, like: HEYYY, RIKER PLAYS VIOLIN!! XD)
No way! That’s amazing! Idk even how to react, that’s just SO GREAT! And I’m overly excited about this…
Personally, I love him already 😂 He seems very kind and sympathetic and understanding, although I don’t think this one scene is enough to make everyone totally love him. But if he continues this kindness, sympathy, etc…I think he could very well become a very lovable character. (but don’t make him perfect, because that isn’t very good either.)
Yes, kindness and loyalty are his most prominent traits. He does often seem like he’s perfect, but in some parts his flaws are obvious.
He seems like an understanding friend (who is really curious but also slightly sorry for having made Nahim promise to spill everything). I have seen stalked your writing elsewhere on KP and, yes, I like Mandin. In fact, he was once my favorite over Nahim as I could relate to him more. Now I’ve been out of it for a bit too long to have a solid opinion. XD
That’s nice to hear.
I understand it’s kinda weird to want everyone to love someone who isn’t the MC, but I just know some people won’t like Nahim. So I will accept that, I just want them to always remember Mandin (they’ll always remember Krogen no matter what I do XD)
Also, I like that you have this scene showing Nahim’s reluctance ect. If you went straight from promise to confession things would feel rushed and unrealistic.
Thank you, this is exactly what I was hoping to hear.
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)@everyone
Thanks for answering my questions, it meant a lot.
And yes, it is a violin.
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)That was so good! I could see everything so clearly.
1. No, not really.
2. If this is the end of a chapter, then no.
3. Yes. I could tell he was reluctant to share anything.
4. A violin or viola.
5. I kind of didn’t trust him. If he continued to be this kind I would come to love him though. I just have trust issues with nice characters. XD. They’re so often evil.
🎵For our blessed lady's sake, bring us in good ale!🎵
The reason for this scene is to show struggle. Nahim has kept to himself a piece of his life that comes back to haunt him every other night for four years. I doubt anyone would suddenly spill it all out. And the disappointment is also kinda purposeful, but since this is the second chapter, it’s not too great.
Yeah, that makes sense, but I would still be wary of betraying readers’ expectations. If you didn’t already, I would put something in the previous scene to set the readers’ expectations that Nahim isn’t going to end up telling. That way, the reader can still feel disappointed, but they hopefully won’t feel cheated. Another thing you could do is to have something else to excite the reader in “exchange.”
I thimk loyalty and honesty are two traits people admire.
In real life. But in fiction, readers don’t want characters to be too perfect. I’m not making any judgements. I just haven’t seen enough of Mandin to know either way.
Take all of this with a grain of salt. I can make any definitive statements without knowing the context of the scene in the rest of the story.
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Help I need more words.🎵For our blessed lady's sake, bring us in good ale!🎵
I kind of didn’t trust him. If he continued to be this kind I would come to love him though. I just have trust issues with nice characters. XD. They’re so often evil.
That cracked me up. Mostly from surprise. Mandin is nice like that all the time, with sparks of extreme loyalty readers see here and there at the right times. He also does nudge Nahim out of his comfort zones, hoping to help him. Sometimes he goes too far, and then he backs down. Here, he backed down cuz he knew Nahim was not ready.
I understand your mistrust, but rest assured, Mandin is not evil. Another “friend” Nahim finds later is, but not Mandin. In fact, Mandin is probably the best person in the book (he still does have faults though)
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)Sorry I messed up your tag!
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
@loopylin @whalekeeper @rae @koshka @esther-c @elishavet-pidyon @lightoverdarkness6 @anyone-else-idk-lol-XD
Ok, soooooo I’ve been trying to brainstorm for another novel idea of mine that I’ve had for a while and would like to hear some inputs/thoughts
So, thanks to my Mom’s creativity, I finally figured out why Erich, a side character (and really, honestly an antagonist XD) in Freedom’s Fire treats Riker with such contempt. Turns out he’s jealous of Riker and thinks that Riker is appreciated/loved more than he is, and that’ll be a piece of his character struggle.
And recently, I have also discovered his MO.
Erich is trying to prove that he’s worthy of just as much love as Riker and everyone else, for that matter…but especially Riker. This motivation, however, leads to his sometimes…well…unsavory behavior and even the death of *cough cough* a character…spoilers *cough cough*.
But it took a while for me to decide how that jealousy AND mo could manifest itself…and I have a few ideas:
- Mean/rude retorts/words (esp at Riker)
- Tries to bring Riker down
- Will do almost anything to get promoted, what he desires, etc.
- Flirts with women (even tho he’s married🫠😅)
- Makes himself appear as/acts as tho he’s a bad boy, playboy, etc to get attention
- Almost always wants to be the center of attention
- Makes himself heard in any way he can
- Treats Riker with contempt and animosity
So yeah, that’s some ideas! I could give y’all a bit more background to WHY this is his MO/character struggle if y’all don’t mind spoilers.
And do y’all have any other questions or suggestions? I’m really wanting to develop this character even more. Y’all are amazing <3
(and it’s a lot of fun to write from his pov, y’all…I cannot lie😂)
hello
follow the one with fire in His eyes
@highscribeofaetherium @freed_and_redeemed @jonas @whalekeeper @loopylin @keilah-h @theducktator @whoever-cares
Yeah, I’m bothering everyone again. I like the idea of this scene, but I feel like it has some major problems. I want to see if any of you notice it, since I’ve found more than once that I stress over things that others are like “That’s literally nothing, it’s fine” so I am kinda trying to rest my nerves rn by either fixing the problems or resting knowing they’re nothing.
context is not much. This is the opening scene of the second chapter, and the first chapter was short and about Nahim when he was fifteen. After this scene, it’s the Banorian festival and then the scene I shared earlier.
I’m gonna do a link this time since last time the formatting was really annoying me.
"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)@freed_and_redeemed @jonas @whalekeeper @loopylin @keilah-h @theducktator
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"You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)I think you probably already thought of this, but Eric would probably try to frame Riker. Get Riker on everyone’s bad side.
Steal cigarettes and put them in Riker’s stuff. Dirty uniforms and leave some trace of Riker behind. Rummage belongings. That kinda stuff.
I think that could go under three of the bullet notes you have, but I just wanted to mention it.
Unfortunately my poor boi will have a worse time than he already does 😭😭😭😭
Creepy how I know exactly how to ruin someone’s life. Writer’s are truly terrifying to themselves."You need French Toast."
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)
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