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Why, thank you!
One word. I is insane.
You will love what you spend time with.
@power you’re welcome!
also, your words to highscribe are exactly three, not one.
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
Ah, was my post eaten?
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
yep lol.
@freed_and_redeemed @loopylin @whalekeeperthis is unfished, but enjoy anyways.
Lesli smiles, looking around at the amassing crowd around her.
“Wow, I’ve never seen the shopping district so crowded!” She squeezes Tauren’s arm, being careful not to wrinkle his starched white shirt.
“Yeah…” Tauren scans the crowd easily, his head sticking up above most of the other party goers. “Why did we get invited to this anyways?”
“Because they’re our friends!” Lesli points ahead at Layson and Everly, holding each other around the shoulder. Layson glances back, checking to make sure they hadn’t been lost.
“Right…” Tauren rolls his eyes as Everly leans over to kiss Layson on the cheek.
“There’s going to be lots of good food.” Lesli says, taking two strides for every one of his. Her flats click along the concrete floor as they near the entrance.
Tauren stops, staring up at the sign beside the door.
“What?”
Tauren smiles, turning towards her. “Some kind of a discount!”
“Really?” Lesli waits as Tauren squints through his glasses to see the sign better.
“Yep.” Tauren smiles, still reading the sign. “A ‘couples’ discount? Are you kidding me?!”
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!” Tauren turns towards Lesli, inadvertently ripping his arm from her hand. “A ‘couples discount’?”
“Do they mean to shame the singles who already feel bad enough to be alone today?!” Tauren grits his teeth, still staring at the sign. His face softens as he feels Lesli’s arm settle into his again, but his eyes still smolder. “I mean don’t they at least think—”
“Tauren—”
Tauren sighs, finally ripping his eyes from the sign. He looks up, seeing Layson and Everly waiting just inside the entrance.
“Do you want the discount or not?”
“Well I can’t—” Tauren pauses, covering his mouth with his hand. He looks back at the sign. “We’re not a couple—”
“—O come’on Tauren, it just means two people, I think it’s totally fine for us to take the discount.”
“Really? But—” Tauren sighs. “5 grams paper off of 25 each is really good…”
“They’re waiting—”
“I know I know—” Tauren buries his hands into his hair.
“Come’on, we’ll just get it. It’s not like we’re breaking some law or something.” Lesli says, pulling Tauren with her to the entrance.
“I—” Tauren tries to object, but quickly finds himself standing in line beside Lesli.
“Hello! Just for two?”
Tauren nods aggressively, looking expectantly at Lesli.
“Do we get the couples discount–?”
“Of course!” The man behind the counter says, ripping off two tickets from the roll. Tauren hands them the combined money silently, immediately pinning his hands against his sides again.
Lesli jumps with excitement, still holding onto his arm.
“You don’t need to try to make it look believable y’know. If we’re breaking the rules we might as well—” Tauren grumbles to Lesli. She stops bouncing, instead reaching forwards to take their tickets.
“Thank you!”
“Thanks.” Tauren mutters.
The two walk along the red carpet towards the front door, handing their tickets to the doorkeeper.
“Is it possible for us to get seats next to some friends of ours who just came a little bit before us?”
“Sure, if there are any left.” She walks them down the main aisle.
“Oh, they’re right there!” Lesli points excitedly towards a small table next to the bar.
“Hmm..” The doorkeeper pauses. “How about this one? It’s not next to, but it looks like it’s the best I can do.”
“That’ll be great, thanks!” Lesli smiles as the doorkeeper runs back to her station.
Tauren slides into the bench seat opposite Lesli. She smiles, setting her purse at the side of the table. “Isn’t this great?”
“Yeah.” Tauren looks up from his menu, eyes glazed over. “Y’know, if they are going to be so exclusive, they might as well just ban singles from the event!”
Lesli laughs. “You’re still thinking about that?!”
“Yes!” Tauren beaks into a smile. “It’s weird, I’m telling ya.”
“Can you try to forget about it for a little bit? I mean we’re supposed to be having fun and we did pay to come here.”
“Ok ok.” Tauren picks up his menu again.
“Oh, look! Lesli rests her head in her hands, staring up at a pretty white vase of roses, centered on the table.
“…Oh!” Tauren sets down his menu. “I haven’t seen white roses before. I’ve seen the red ones…”
“Hey what took you guys so long?”
Tauren turns to see Layson leaning on the back of the bench.
“Well there was this STUPID—”
“Tauren! We. Saved. money.”
Tauren shakes his head. “We just had a little hang up. That’s all.”
Layson laughs. “Wow Tauren, you look so mad.” He looks over at Lesli. “Rare, isn’t it.”
“Yep.” Lesli nods. “What are you guys getting?”
“Oh man, I’m not sure yet.” Layson turns back to look at Everly. “She wants me to try shrimp because I’ve never had it before.”
I’m still trying to think up ways to escalate this… I think Lesli is going to have a miscommunication with the waitress and accidentally order a large milkshake with two straws instead of one for each of them lol. And then Tauren will be so offended at the suggestion that he’ll request a extra glass and separate out his portion.
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
@lightoverdarkness6 @mineralizedwritings @whalekeeper @loopylin @elishavet-pidyon @koshka @esther-c @smiley @rae @anyone-else
ok, ok, I know I’m supposed to be gone but I really want some feedback on this chapter…I like how it turned out but I just REALLYYYYY need some feedback, haha, so I may still pop on and off on occasion but don’t expect to see me too much, heh.
Anywhoooooo
scene time!!!
Each breath heaved; each step threatened to make his legs cave beneath him. Riker sunk further and further into the shadows, struggling to catch his breath.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid!
What was he thinking, going out in the middle of the night on a day without moonlight? Had he even paused to think before setting out to find his father?
He sucked in a breath and pushed himself into a narrow gap between two small brick buildings. He took in a deep breath to allow his chest to flatten.
Riker took each step carefully, meticulously, not daring to think about what would happen if he didn’t escape in time. Angry shouts echoed behind him; there wasn’t an army, not like last time, but even five furious men would be enough.
If they didn’t find him, he’d be lucky. And if they did find him? Riker didn’t even want to think about it.
He’d endured torture by standing up for the innocent—he’d been on the list of ones to be killed—but it didn’t ease their anger or his fear. Nor did it ease Riker’s guilt.
“He’s not here, Aaron—”
“He has to be…he can’t just disappear into thin air, Jeremiah. Leon may have helped him last time, but Leon doesn’t even know we’re here.”
Joash’s telltale chuckle carried through the air. “And no one will stop us this time.”
One hand on the wall in front of him and his back pressed against the bricks behind him, Riker walked faster.
If he could just get to the other side—if he could just get out of their eyesight, he would run until they couldn’t follow him any longer. But what if he didn’t get away?
Riker took several deep breaths even as they refused to even out; each beat of his heart came faster, harder.
Cornered. Desperate. Endangered. Dark. Cramped.
He clenched and unclenched his fists, his hands clammy.
Sweat clung to his cotton undershirt; his fingers trembled and barely contained the ability to move otherwise.
Thoughts ran back and forth through his head; his chest tightened, and every breath heaved.
Riker sank between the two walls; the world spun around him.
He had to escape.
But he’d never make it.
He had to try, at least.
But what if they saw him?
Telling himself to breath, Riker scrambled back to his feet, stumbling, practically crawling, between the two brick buildings.
He took one step. He took one breath. He repeated such; he gritted his teeth and shouldered on even though everything in him ached to collapse onto the ground.
Riker pulled himself out of the squeezed space; he took several deep breaths to quiet his head and calm his heart.
Footsteps echoed. “There he is!”
All five men, with Aaron and Joash in the lead, stood mere feet away, ready…waiting.
Riker backed away.
He turned on his heel and pushed his arms and pumped his legs with every ounce of strength that remained, running just as he’d been doing for so long. Memories floated before his eyes, teasing of a young man and even a child he once was, always on the run.
But in those times, Riker had the encouragement of his mother, the support of his sister, and the love of his wife. But not anymore. He was alone. Completely and utterly alone.
It was what he deserved—it was what a murderer deserved to have…nothing…no one to rely on.
Footsteps resounded in his ears; Riker turned his head. Rough, burly arms wrapped around his torso. The chill of a knife pressed against his neck. “Move, and you die.”
Riker struggled; he readied his elbow to jab Joash in the ribcage. A sting punished the side of his neck; a steady trickle of blood trailed down to his shirt.
“I warned you, Schind. Aaron!”
Sporting a sadistic smirk, Aaron strode forward. He slightly tilted his head. “Couldn’t get away fast enough, Riker?”
“Let me go.”
“That’s up to Joash, not me,” Aaron chuckled, “and I don’t think any of us are in the mood to let you go. You got away the first time, and there won’t be a third time.”
Riker struggled against Joash’s grip, struggling to get his arms in a position where he could fight back and even take the knife. He whispered, “I’m sorry…if I had known sooner—”
“Sorry isn’t going to bring my daughter back. Sorry isn’t going to bring my brother back. Sorry isn’t going to bring Joash’s entire family back. Sorry changes nothing! Don’t you understand?”
“I know I’m a murderer. I-I know I can never reverse what I’ve done—”
“You’re right, you can’t,” Aaron stepped forward, placing his face mere inches from Riker’s own; his breath carried the telltale scent of alcohol, “and you’re going to die for what you’ve done, the only justice good enough for a man like you.”
It was over. They were going to kill him.
After everything else that had happened—everything he’d endured throughout his entire life, he was finally going to die…he was finally going to get what he deserved for what he’d done.
“You better get ready to meet your maker, Schind.” Joash whispered in his ear, almost gleefully.
“Aaron, is that you? What…what is going on—?”
Riker utilized both Aaron and Joash’s distracted minds; he elbowed Joash, hard, in the rib; Joash cursed and stepped back, the knife still in hand.
Riker turned his head; his dark blue eyes met Isaiah’s brown. He had to run. He had to get away. He had to—Joash barreled towards him.
Riker fell back; aching, surreal pain spread from the back of his head. Wet, sticky blood trailed down the sides of his face.
The sight of Joash’s form, Aaron’s glare, and Isaiah’s concerned gaze faded away, and the image was replaced by one of utter darkness.
~*~
“Klaus, do we have extra glasses?”
The older man chuckled and nodded, opening an upper cabinet. “Right here, Leon. We have a packed house today.”
Leon smiled and nodded in agreement with his employer. “Yessir, I know it is—”
Yelling rose from one table; men stood with clenched fists and readied arms, prepping for a fight. Leon set a few glasses on the wooden counter and watched as another man, staggering with each step, strode in between the two men.
He spoke slowly, every other word slurring together. A punch knocked him to the floor; the original two men began tossing fists.
Violence. Anger. Hatred.
Obscene words flew from the guard’s lips; the emaciated prisoner on the ground, helpless to fight back, cried out for mercy.
Not a single cry went heard; not a single beg resounded in the sadistic guard’s ears. Rather, more blows fell. Blows upon blows upon blows.
And Leon was just as helpless as the man in the dirt.
“Leon!”
Leon jumped at the feeling of Klaus clapping him on the back. His breath heaved and sweat left his undershirt stuck to his skin. His head throbbed; his heart pounded. Leon faced Klaus and forced himself to speak. “…Yes?”
Klaus nodded towards the two men, still engaged in a heated, blood-filled fight. “Maybe someone should try to break that up. Not that it isn’t a rare thing to happen—it happens all the time, but someone should probably stop it before it gets any worse. Think you could calm them down, lad?”
Leon evened out each breath; he faced Klaus with a small, forced smile. “I can try.”
But there was no guarantee of success.
Leon silently chided himself, telling himself to calm—everything was fine, and everything would be fine. He wasn’t in the camp anymore…there was nothing more to fear. Right?
He stepped up to the two fighting men, holding up a hand to get them to pause for a moment. The two men turned to him, both with bloodshot eyes and clothes tainted with the scent of alcohol. The taller of the two men, a man who even towered above Leon, narrowed his dark eyes. “Do you want something?”
“This isn’t the place to fight. If you wish to continue this disagreement, do it somewhere outside.”
The burly man chuckled; he took a step towards Leon. “And who do you think you are, telling us how to live our lives? Do you think just because we lost the war to the blasted Americans means you’re any less of a pig, Jude? You’re still a filthy swine.”
An anger strong enough to make Leon’s hands enclose around the man’s neck coursed through his veins. His fists clenched; Leon’s knuckles turned white from the intensity, the strain.
He spoke slowly, each word getting harder with every second. “Get. Out. Now.”
The other man laughed, almost gleefully. “Perhaps it would be for the best, Heinz. No one wants to see anyone get hurt, even if it’s just a stupid Jude that made us lose the blasted war.”
Leon stepped out of the way even though everything in him ached to fight back, to show what he was made of. But something inside of him—maybe his concern for his kids, maybe his need to stay safe, to keep his children untouched from the effects of a world destroyed by war—rendered him unwilling to fight unless absolutely necessary. “Leave, both of you.”
“Do you think we’d take orders from swine?” The taller man, Heinz, stepped forward, staggering with alcohol; a smile lifted his cheeks, bright with amusement and sadism. “I know what you are; I saw those numbers on your arm when you had your sleeves rolled up to pour a few drinks. If it were up to me, I would’ve made sure all of the filthy swine like you died in those camps.”
Leon swallowed the bile, the festering anger, that rose in his throat. Aadelheide was only one to die. He’d seen countless other men killed in the most brutal of ways: torture, beatings, shootings, hangings. All of the death he’d seen…the disregard for life itself he’d witnessed…all of it flashed before Leon’s eyes.
And before anyone could think or do another thing, Leon had Heinz flat on the floor.
He could finally fight back. He could finally avenge his beloved wife and all of those who had suffered in the name of Nazism.
Each delivered lunge brought relief, release. Each received punch brought pain yet a burst of anger-fueled energy. Blood sprouted from Leon’s knuckles, blood streamed from his nose, and blood sprinkled from his forehead. But he didn’t care—he didn’t relent. He didn’t stop and he didn’t pause.
He fought for Aadelheide. He fought for all of those who hadn’t been able to fight for themselves. He fought for those who fell to the plight of Nazism.
He would kill him just as Aadelheide had been killed.
Heinz groaned; Leon’s world jolted into jarring focus. Heinz’s bleeding face stared up at him, a reminder of the bloody faces he’d seen so many times before.
Leon stood and stumbled backward; his back slammed into the wall. Sweat clung to the back of his cloth undershirt; his own blood continued to stream down his face. Leon rose his trembling hands, covered with blood that wasn’t his own.
He wasn’t sure what happened—he didn’t understand a single thought that went through his head. But he could have killed a man.
Leon sank down the length of the wall. He wrapped his arms around his knees and pulled them up and close. He buried his face in his raised knees and sobbed.
and questions (and feel free to offer any other feedback you can think of 🥰)
1. Is Riker’s sudden panic/possible panic attack realistic? If not, does anyone that has experienced a panic attack have any pointers? (I’ve only been on the brink of one once…it was not fun🫠)
2. What are your thoughts on Aaron/Joash? Do you feel bad for them at all, or do they just seem like villains?
3. Is Leon’s sudden flashback a little jarring? Or does it fit? What are your thoughts on Leon possibly having some PTSD?
4. Is it obvious that the two fighting men are drunk? And is their hatred also obvious?
5. What are your opinions on Leon’s hesitancy to fight? And what did you think when you read how he fell into a fit of rage?
6. What do you think/feel about Leon’s final reaction to what he did/almost did? (i.e. when he fell against the wall and sobbed)
✨ who the Son sets free is free indeed ✨
@freed_and_redeemed ugh poor Riker and Leon! I forgot how much trauma some charries had lol. I’ve been spending too much time with characters who are unusually UN-bothered by all that lol
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
@freed_and_redeemed ugh poor Riker and Leon! I forgot how much trauma some charries had lol. I’ve been spending too much time with characters who don’t seem bothered by all the ruckus going on around them
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
First, YOU NEED TO TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS NEXT TO MY POOR RIKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*sobs for him*
Second,
1. Is Riker’s sudden panic/possible panic attack realistic? If not, does anyone that has experienced a panic attack have any pointers? (I’ve only been on the brink of one once…it was not fun🫠)
2. What are your thoughts on Aaron/Joash? Do you feel bad for them at all, or do they just seem like villains?
3. Is Leon’s sudden flashback a little jarring? Or does it fit? What are your thoughts on Leon possibly having some PTSD?
4. Is it obvious that the two fighting men are drunk? And is their hatred also obvious?
5. What are your opinions on Leon’s hesitancy to fight? And what did you think when you read how he fell into a fit of rage?
6. What do you think/feel about Leon’s final reaction to what he did/almost did? (i.e. when he fell against the wall and sobbed)
- I’m not sure exactly if I have had a full blown panic attack (I think I have, but I can’t 100% confirm), but I do have a lot of anxiety, and easily am panicked (some of it has to do with my disease I guess). When I’m really panicked, I can hear my heart in my ears, I usually am breathing heavy, or a little uneven, sometimes really fast. I can’t think well, I am very much emotionally driven, no logic at all. And I usually don’t speak in full sentences, or only in short ones.
- I feel bad for them, and I understand their drive, but at the same time, I think them as sorta villains cuz they want to kill Riker, and anyone who wants to hurt that child is automatically a villain. So I’m kinda biased.
- I think it totally fits. When I interviewed a veteran from Vietnam, he told me once he was at a graduation party or something for the son of his first generation Vietnamese neighbor. He was surrounded by Vietnamese when he heard a specific aircraft (I forget exactly what and what role it played in Vietnam) with a very distinct sound flew over head. Suddenly, he told me that he was back there, and luckily his wife was with him (who understood what was going on cuz she had three brothers in war) because otherwise there could have been an incident. From the five veterans I interviewed, all of them would get flashback moments from anything as simple as a scent. Even if it was just aircraft fuel. Anything that triggers their sences can trigger a flashback. So I think it makes sense that it would happen to Leon too. It was a traumatic piece of life, and for him not to have flashbacks or PTSD would be weird to me.
- Yes, it’s not in your face obvious which is nice, but you definitely tell.
- Very realistic. Honestly, I think I would have reacted the same way if I had been Leon, except I’d probably have a shorter fuse (though, I think the length he put up with them was good. I think he would have a longer fuse than me) and I’d probably claw them with my long nails and kick them since that is my automatic fighting choice against stronger people.
- Definitely shock. I’m not sure about the sobbing against the wall, that seems a little too emotional, but definitely shocked.
Um, that’s all I’m gonna say for now except that I’m gonna hug Riker with or without your permission. Oh, and take him away to a magical Paradise too. Give him an emotional support puppy and his own wing if the palace…
"You need French Toast."
1. I think it was pretty accurate except that he was thinking in full sentences. Typically when I’ve had an anxiety attack, my thoughts come in scattered fragments or images. Usually it’s only a couple words or a phrase on repeat or it’s just pure emotion and physical symptoms. Nothing really makes sense in the moment and my brain isn’t going slowly enough to think logically or form complete sentences.
But I think the scene was pretty good and I just want to put Riker somewhere where he’s safe : (
2. Villains. Understandable villains, but still villains. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.
3. Umm idk sorry I’m going to skip this question lol
4. Yes and yes
5. It’s admirable that he hesitated. I think he should have just walked away after that. Idk
6. It’s kinda weird that his anger went away so quickly, honestly. His shock at his own actions is realistic, but after acting so tough against these guys, I don’t think he would let himself cry in front of them. Maybe he runs away first instead? Or they leave?
Overall I liked those scenes! I want to know what happens next
“Nothing says autumn like slurpin’ apples.” -my uncle
1. Oh and I don’t think him walking slowly and carefully quite fits? It totally could work and you can ignore me here, but typically you’re in either fight, flight, or freeze mode during a panic attack. You’re not thinking logically, you’re just acting on fear. Obviously he’s not going to fight, so I think it would make more sense if he was either trying to hide and not move at all, or trying to sprint away as fast as he possibly can.
“Nothing says autumn like slurpin’ apples.” -my uncle
1. Is Riker’s sudden panic/possible panic attack realistic? If not, does anyone that has experienced a panic attack have any pointers? (I’ve only been on the brink of one once…it was not fun🫠)
I felt like it was pretty realistic, but I’ve also never written anything like that before or experienced something like it. I agree with what Loopy said though, I feel like he’d be in a more “freaking out” mode, if that makes sense.
2. What are your thoughts on Aaron/Joash? Do you feel bad for them at all, or do they just seem like villains?
Ok so, you did a really good job here of tearing me between the two sides of this conflict. I wouldn’t say I completely sympathized with Aaron and Joash, but by general standards, their actions are somewhat justified, right? Riker helped kill a lot of people, so he should be killed too. But then on the other side of things, I know that Riker can still receive forgiveness and Aaron and Joash should have let God deal with Riker instead of trying to enact justice on their own. I guess I have a mixed opinion, lol, but if that’s what you were going for, tearing the reader apart, then you succeeded. 😉 And that’s actually a good thing.
3. Is Leon’s sudden flashback a little jarring? Or does it fit? What are your thoughts on Leon possibly having some PTSD?
I felt like it was accurate, but I’ve never done any research on PTSD. From other his-fics I’ve read, I think him having that flashback is realistic. The fact that Leon almost does that same thing to someone else within a few minutes fits really well too.
4. Is it obvious that the two fighting men are drunk? And is their hatred also obvious?
Yep. Definitely.
5. What are your opinions on Leon’s hesitancy to fight? And what did you think when you read how he fell into a fit of rage?
Girl, I was rooting for him not to lash out, but I had this feeling that it was coming and I was right. Agh! But it made so much sense and you did a really good job making the reader hope that he wouldn’t. (At least that’s how I felt). I do think if you sprinkled in some shorter sentences of only a few words describing how Leon felt inside and out while he was beating this guy up it would help draw me into Leon’s mind a little more.
6. What do you think/feel about Leon’s final reaction to what he did/almost did? (i.e. when he fell against the wall and sobbed)
I honestly felt it was a little unrealistic. I know guys can be emotional, but most guys don’t like to be emotional in front of other people. If he left and then started crying, I think that would have made more sense. Or even if he didn’t hold still and cry, but maybe get mad at himself and quickly get out of there or something like that.
But maybe this reaction is consistent with Leon’s previous behavior and overall personality. If so, keep it. I’m just thinking along the lines of what I would do, because I’ve written a couple of male characters with tempers. 😉
Anyway, I really enjoyed reading this! And you must let me know what happens next!!!
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Hi! I didn’t read through all your questions yet since I don’t have much time right now. I’ll try to come back and answer them. =)
Is Riker’s sudden panic/possible panic attack realistic? If not, does anyone that has experienced a panic attack have any pointers? (I’ve only been on the brink of one once…it was not fun🫠)
Hmm. I can only think of one time I had a full blown panic, but this scene does sound pretty real to me. My family likes to hike, and we took a trail through some granite caves (the long tunnels at Enchanted Rock, if anyone has been there). I had been in some caves before, and didn’t really have much of a problem, but they had been either lighted or a large cavern. We got to a place where we couldn’t go back (slid down a seven foot ledge) and I sort of lost it. I was terrified of being stuck in the dark, was shaking, and didn’t feel like I could move. What was most obnoxious was that I couldn’t coherently speak or stop sobbing like a water hose. My family basically stuck me in the middle of our group and took turns coxing me through. As soon as we got out into sunlight I was perfectly fine. (I’m not someone who cries much, even in pain, so my siblings were sort of at a loss what to do with me. XD)
First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)
Fork the GorkYou’re still oooonnnn *applause*
1. I think it’s understandable, especially in a small space when you’re about to be discovered.
2. They are a little sympathetic, but not a whole lot, since they took unnecessary pleasure in punishing him.
3. It’s short, makes sense, certainly something to expect. I can’t say I have any thoughts on the PTSD…? If you’re asking how obvious it is, it’s very obvious, especially since this is a survivor of WWII.
4. Yep, obvious. If anything, you can scale back some of the insults until the conversation has built up to an ultimatum, but it doesn’t matter that much.
5. So – this probably isn’t bothering anyone else, but I’m going to point it out anyway 😅 The line about ‘something inside of Leon kept him from fighting’ feels like the opposite of foreshadowing. ‘Something inside of Leon’ suggests that the ‘something’ is the internal rebellion, and we should be focusing on that feeling because it deviates from the norm. It sounds like that inner feeling is going to dictate what happens in the end. But then we leave that entirely and go for the fight. It pulled me out of the pacing, because wham! We’ve completely changed trajectory. The exposition pulled a double slingshot.
Maybe replacing that line with ‘Leon had trained himself over years of grief to bury it away’ would invite the idea of a status quo rebellion in the reader’s head, heading towards the fight. That’s a single slingshot in my brain, making more sense.
That probably makes no sense as a critique, because you want a surprise outburst from Leon, but it bothered me for some reason 😂
And if none of that makes sense… I guess my point is, Leon changed his mind too quickly for me 😅
6. I don’t have any thoughts, tbh 🙂
“Everything is a mountain”
Random tagssss @whalekeeper @savannah_grace2009 @rae @smiley @lightoverdarkness6 @acancello @grcr @anyone-else-cuz-i-can’t-think-of-anyone-else-right-now
Ignore tag or read on!
Just wanted to share a cute scene from a WIP that I’ve been working on a little too much. 😉
I seriously should be working on my main WIP rn, but whatever.It’s not polished, but I thought I’d share it anyway. For reference, Easton’s 17, then Willow’s his younger sister around the age of 9, Courtney’s also a sister at 12, and Blake’s his younger brother at 13/14ish. (For anyone who’s interested, he has three other siblings, they just aren’t included in this scene 🙃)
Ok I’ll stop talking now. Here’s the scene!
***
Ha! I win!” Willow crossed her arms, a smug look on her face.
“Fair and square.” Easton tossed his Uno cards onto the table. “Good job, Willow.”
Her smirk grew into a wide grin and she clambered around the card table kneeling beside her brother. “You let me win.”
“What? Why would I ever do that?”
“Because you’re too nice.”
“Too nice?”
“Yeah. Next time go harder on me so I can really test out my Uno skills.”
Easton shook his head at his little sister.
“Easton I have a question.”
“What’s that?”
“Well, I’m a little confused. Would you call a baby cute?”
“Um, yeah, I guess.” Easton was worried where she was going with this.
Willow’s brow furrowed. “Now I’m very confused.”
“Explain.”
“I was listening to Courtney talking with Rachael yesterday and Racheal said she thought you were cute.”
Easton swallowed a laugh. “She did?”
“Yes and that’s what confused me. Why would anyone think someone older than a kid is cute? Old people call me cute, but that’s just because they’re old. Do you have what they call a baby face or something?”
A small laugh escaped his lips. “Um, that’s not quite what cute means in this context.”
“Then what does it mean in this convex?”
“Context.”
“Context.”
Easton flicked his glasses up. “I’m not quite sure how to explain it—”
“You know how to explain anything. Are you avoiding the real answer on purpose?”
“No, Willow. I guess you could say it means good-looking or… hot.” He half-smiled.
Willow’s jaw dropped and she burst into a fit of giggles. Easton couldn’t help but laugh as Willow shook with laughter. Still laughing, she clambered onto his lap and looked up at him. “Are you saying that Rachael has a crush on you?”
He shrugged. “Maybe.”
That only provoked another round of giggling, so much that Courtney came in to see what was going on.
Willow being unable to answer, Easton spoke for her. “She was wondering what the word cute meant in the context of your friend using it to describe me.”
Courtney frowned. “Willow, that was a private conversation! Why were you listening?”
She tried to answer through her subsiding giggles, but only managed a shrug.
A smile escaped through Courtney’s displeasure. “I don’t know why you find that so hilarious.” She looked towards Easton. “You can’t tell Rachel you know that though, okay?”
Easton winked. “Her secret’s safe with me.”
“Good. Thank you.”
But a few days later, when Rachel came over to do homework with Courtney, Easton decided to make Rachel’s day a little more exciting. The two girls sat in the kitchen chatting over a plate of cookies with milk.
Easton came down from his bedroom to grab a study snack. As he shuffled silently throughout the kitchen, he noticed Rachel’s gaze constantly flicking his direction, even as she spoke with Courtney. He met her gaze once and shot her a wink. She tripped over her words for a moment, then recovered and continued her conversation with Courtney.
Easton left the kitchen with a smile playing on his lips at the sound of their girlish giggles and excited whispers.
“What’s that smirk for?” Dad asked as the two passed each other on the stairs. He glanced towards the kitchen. “Should I be afraid of what you just left behind?”
“Nothing more than two giggling girls and one infatuation sparked.”
“What?” Dad stood at the end of the stairs, an eyebrow cocked.
Easton leaned against the railing. “Willow overheard Courtney and Rachel talking the other day and found out that Rachel might have a little crush on me.”
“What did you do to the poor girl’s heart?”
Easton tried not to laugh. “She kept looking at me while I was grabbing my snack from the kitchen and so I winked at her.”
Dad rolled his eyes. “I hope you don’t break her heart when she finds out you already have a girlfriend.”
“It’s okay, Dad. I’m sure she’ll be over it in a few weeks. And if she isn’t, I’ll introduce her to Blake.”
“Now that’s worse than a broken heart.”
Blake peeked his head out at the top of the stairs. “I have been summoned?”
“Not yet. Finish your homework.” Dad walked back to his office, shaking his head.
“Somehow I feel like I’m being made fun of and I don’t know what I’m being made fun of for. Should I be offended?”
Easton gave him a pat on the shoulder as he passed by. “Nope. Just be ready to practice your chivalry at a moment’s notice.”
“I am so confused.”
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
@esther-c aww sibling drama (but the cute kind)!! I like it!
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
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