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Huh, I’ve never really thought of it that way before, but I think that’s the aspect of their relationship that I play off of in the second book to create more conflict. Man, I am going to be pondering over this all day. XD
XD glad I could make you think! It might be a good source of conflict for book 2, but I think it would be great if you could acknowledge it sooner. I mean, I think it’s easy to forget how much our books will impact the people who read them once they are published. If you’re going to have a mc relationship that is even slightly unhealthy, I think you should make it obvious that that isn’t an ok thing. It’s totally ok (in fact good) to not have your mc’s be perfect, but you wouldn’t want a reader to think it’s ok, if you know what I mean.
It’s something I’m a bit more sensitive too because I’ve been in groups with guys who seemed to not respect the girls, like the girls opinions were not as valuable, or so it seemed in that group (Ex. a girl saying captain marvel is her favorite movie, and the guy responding with “captain marvel sucks” not exactly Ev, but dismissive behavior) So when I see a hint of it in a book, I really notice it lol. I guess what I’m trying to say is sometime in the future your book might end up in the hands of some confused 8th grade girl who reads too much (is there such a thing?) and until book 2, she might decide that Ev’s behavior is ok, until the book says it isn’t. If she applies that to her irl friendships, it wouldn’t be the best. I took books way too seriously growing up, and they affected my world view, so I as a author feel a responsibility to make sure my readers understand what’s good and bad in my book, and have obvious consequences for bad behavior. Just something to consider, sorry if that was a mildly intimidating rant 😂
I’m so glad you looked forwards to my feedback, I feel like sometimes my honestly puts people off and it makes me nervous, especially if I see other people with a different opinion already posting. <3
And yep! Doing great with the descriptions!
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
Oh yeah, that’s something I easily forget about. Thanks for reminding me! I’ll definitely keep that in mind as I write and edit. 😊
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Tysm for your help and encouragement!! Every single time someone tells me something they loved about my story it makes me smile 🙂
At the end. I don’t think pregnancy is enough to make somebody have that many issues unless she was also sick, and the buildup made me think her sickness was going to tie into the greater story in a larger way. It was the first chapter I’ve ever read from this story to be fair, but I was under the impression Sef thought she was badly diseased, and I felt a little fooled when I learned she was just pregnant. XD not sure if that helps you at all.
Ohhh, ok XD So kind of what I’m going for is that Neveah has mild depression as well as being pregnant, since her husband went missing, and everybody thinks her husband had an affair. (though the alleged affair part isn’t mentioned in the first chapter, lol) (and he didn’t actually have an affair, the Pythonos just kidnapped him…..)
Does that make sense?
Thanks so much for reading this!! It really makes my day when you guys will read my writing and help me out!! XD
I liked all the descriptions, but there was one comment about Sef’s mother not “getting rid of her’” that I didn’t really like. I mean, I guess it might happen in that world, so it’s just a personal preference, but I don’t really see how someone who chose to marry a human would then get rid of their Payne baby.
Yeah, that does seem a bit harsh looking back, and I changed it a bit. I was mainly going for that Neveah could have gotten rid of Sef, but of course she wouldn’t, and so Sef is grateful for that. (It also ties into the later plot, Sef feels that Neveah should have gotten rid of her and shouldn’t have loved her, because she gets abused by a Pythonos that claims to be her cousin…but that’s another story XD)
I know this is only one chapter, but it looks like Neveah being pregnant is the inciting incident. Then again, this is only the first chapter and I’m not sure what the other chapters look like. That’s just what I think. Take this with a grain of salt, because writing the beginning of books has been a struggle for me and I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I don’t want my advice to be like the blind leading the blind.
I mean…it depends on what you mean by the inciting incident….I’m new to plotting XD In a way, Neveah being pregnant is the inciting incident, because it triggers a chain reaction that basically turns Sef’s world upside-down. If that makes sense. I’m not sure about if it is the inciting incident or not….but it is definitely something that is extremely important to the story.
Umm… I don’t think so…? Well, sort of. There was a lot of information and backstory in the first chapter. So I would say to tone that down a bit so you don’t overwhelm the reader right away. The more you write the story, the more the backstory will trickle in. And you can hint at it in the first chapter if you want without giving it all away. I did notice a little bit of telling. Like, you would show, then follow it up with a sentence of telling. I don’t know if that makes sense.
Oh! Yeah, I did notice that while rereading it….XD yeah I’ll definitely fix that….
But I really like your descriptions! They were vivid enough, but not so vivid that it didn’t give readers a chance to fill in the blanks. So great job! I really enjoyed reading it!! 😊
Aww thank you so much…that means the world to me!!!!!!!
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I mean…it depends on what you mean by the inciting incident….I’m new to plotting XD In a way, Neveah being pregnant is the inciting incident, because it triggers a chain reaction that basically turns Sef’s world upside-down. If that makes sense. I’m not sure about if it is the inciting incident or not….but it is definitely something that is extremely important to the story.
It’s ok, lol, I’m new-ish to plotting too… 👀😂
Ok, I can see what you mean by that. The inciting incident is basically the first domino that knocks all the other ones down. I know Abbie Emmons on YouTube loves the three act story structure, so if you want to explore that a little more, I suggest checking out her videos. Especially the one just about the inciting incident. I think she does a pretty good job of explaining it. 😉
Aww thank you so much…that means the world to me!!!!!!!
Of course!! You’re so welcome!! 🫶
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
@freedomwriter76
Girlllll I love your writing so much!! (it almost always makes me tear up but I love it!!!!!)
Does it seem boring?
NOOOO! Definitely not! I was so into it, and I could see everything in my mind!How is the pace?
Can you already begin to see the MC’s struggles/arcs?
A little, I can tell that Riker struggles with guilt and Leon struggles with hating God and Riker.
Is Leon’s love for his kids evident?
Yes! that scene was sooo sweet!
What can you gather about Leon/Riker from this 1st chapter?
Riker is a broken man who feels guilt for things he did in the past and needs to be loved <3 Leon is a guy who loves his kids and misses his wife and just also needs to be loved <333
Least Favorite Part of the Chapter?
WHEN FIN DIES….THAT MADE ME TEAR UP but it was so good!!
Favorite part of the chapter?
When Leon was hugging his kids…that was so sweet and it also made me tear up….XD
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333I know Abbie Emmons on YouTube loves the three act story structure, so if you want to explore that a little more, I suggest checking out her videos. Especially the one just about the inciting incident. I think she does a pretty good job of explaining it. 😉
I will check it out!!
I need all the help I can get….XDLukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333@mineralizedwritings makes sense
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
@esther-c @savannah_grace2009 @mineralizedwritings @rae @grcr @freedomwriter76
Okay, so I did it!! I finally wrote a scene for my contemporary story (I’m not honestly sure what book this will be in since I’m planning on writing at least one book in every sibling’s POV) this one is in Colton’s Pov, and just based on this scene I would like to know what character sounds the most interesting.
there’s one other sibling who isn’t mentioned and that’s Liv and she’s a traveler so… yeah she’s also up there
I would also like to know if you found this boring
and also just anything critiques or anything (don’t worry about hurting my feelings, honesty is all I care about)
Colton slipped through the open office door, and the sound of computer typing filled the small room. His twin sister Payton was hunched over in her reading glasses, examining the computer thoroughly. Her long wavy blond hair was tied in a messy braid that fell onto her shoulder.
“I was wondering if you would sign my book?” Colton smirked, watching his sister’s head shoot up as a smile crossed her face.
She closed her laptop and in moments she was in his arms, a tight hug being shared between the two.
When the hug ended, she slugged him in the arm. She had a harder punch than he would have expected. “Ouch, what was that for?!”
“For worrying me sick every day!”
Colton was in the Navy as a pilot, spending most of his time in danger. He loved it but his family didn’t.
Payton walked back over to the desk and took off her glasses. She then mumbled a few words under her breath (no doubt ranting to herself about how dangerous his job was) and grabbed the car keys. “But you came at the perfect time, I have to go pick up Jane from school.”
“Alright,” He shrugged. Jane was their youngest sister and one of the ones he was closest to. She had a love for adventure like he did and a more stubborn personality. Payton however was the opposite, she enjoyed reading and watching shows, but nothing more. Watching a thriller or reading a mystery was about as close to action as she would ever get.
On the way there, Payton caught him up on recent events. Nothing much had changed good or bad. Disappointed had gone through him as he heard nothing much had changed for Tyler.
Tyler was their oldest brother, he was married and had three young kids, but about a year ago his wife Aria was diagnosed with cancer. It was heartbreaking to watch but she had a hopeful attitude towards it.
Colton also tried to tell a few stories, but his lack of ability to tell a story made flying a plane almost straight up and nearly going unconscious sound boring.
His sister was a natural storyteller, putting thoughts into words with such beauty. It was a skill he could never acquire and he wasn’t sure he wanted to. He could never really imagine himself clicking away on a typewriter, telling some fantasy story or whatnot.
Payton parked the car on the curb and let Colton walk over to her first. Jane stood with a baggy sweatshirt and the hood pulled over her head. She was messing with Jason’s hat as Colton approached.
He walked slowly and quietly and then grabbed the hat from Jane’s hand. “Is a hat better than me?”
Jane turned in a wide-eyed shock. She jumped into his arms and he lifted her into the air in an embrace. Just like Payton as soon as she reached the ground she gave him a hard punch.
“Why do you guys do that?! And why do you both hit that hard?!”
“Because you and Jordan pick the most dangerous jobs!” Jane protested.
Jordan was the second oldest brother a cop, he lived in town but there was still a risk on his front.
“Oh come on, it’s not that dangerous, besides the worst that could happen is my plane crashing.”
Jane turned to face Jason and Payton. “Am I allowed to punch him again?”
“I’d watch,” Jason said with a sly grin, his gray eyes centered on Colton’s.
Colton scowled.
Jason had been Jane’s best friend since they were seven, his dad had run out on him and his mom when he was eight. Since then Colton’s family had gladly taken the boy under his wing, providing a second family for him.
Yet no one could bring back his Dad.
Colton gave Jason a quick side hug and then handed the hat back to him. He gave a nod of appreciation and slipped the worn hat over his messy brownish almost black hair.
“We were just going to get coffee,” Jane stated, and then put on a little girl’s smile, eyeing Colton down. “Want to take us…?” she asked with a high-pitched voice. She tucked a loose brown strand behind her ear.
“I could drive us,” Jason said.
“Not legally,” Jane remarked. He and Jane were only fourteen.
Jason gave a mischievous smirk. “You never said that was a condition.”
“When did you start drinking coffee?” Colton asked with a raise of his eyebrow. Jane was getting way too old way too quick.
“Since classes got bumped an hour earlier,”
“Well you’re going to have to settle for coffee from the inn, Mom is yet to see Colton,” Payton said before any more plans could be made.
“You mean you saw me and Payton before Mom?” Jane’s jaw dropped. She then moaned. “And the inn doesn’t have lattes or mochas.”
Colton didn’t blame the reaction. Their mother was stubborn and determined, she wasn’t exactly pleased when Colton joined the navy, and whenever he came back he couldn’t dare make any plans without her or Dad.
“Jase do you want to come?”
“Of course he does,” Jane answered before Jason could even let out a breath.
He looked at her. “I don’t think she asked you…”
“Oh I’m sorry do you have somewhere you’d like to go?” Jane cleverly smiled as she defended herself.
“No, but-” And with that an argument started between the two that lasted the whole ride to the inn. Colton didn’t care that much, he was used to the squabbles that they had a lot. He knew at some point they’d agree to disagree and go on their merry way like nothing ever happened.
He and Payton used to do it all the time, only Payton was a lot more likely to give the silent treatment for a day or two.
One time she had done it for a whole week, and that was when he told her he was joining the Navy. After the loss of Thomas and them being twins, it was too much for her to imagine. She had begged him to stay, and when he told her it was what God wanted she shut him out.
To this day, she still kept herself more closed off from him. He didn’t blame her, Eliana had been best friends with Thomas and when he died a piece of her did too. Payton didn’t want to risk that, and he understood that. It just hurt every now and then to feel a strain from his twin.
Do me a favor…. Tell Cress I meant it
-ThorneI love the siblings’ relationship, and I also love Jason!! <3
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Alrighty!! (I don’t know why this took me longer than necessary, but oh well lol 😅)
I really like it!! I like Payton and Jane a lot… and I think Jason interesting (and Colton too, actually)..
As far as it being boring, I don’t think so. It’s only the first chapter, right?
_____
Just a note, I really love this here:
“We were just going to get coffee,” Jane stated, and then put on a little girl’s smile, eyeing Colton down. “Want to take us…?” she asked with a high-pitched voice. She tucked a loose brown strand behind her ear.
“I could drive us,” Jason said.
“Not legally,” Jane remarked. He and Jane were only fourteen.
And this:
“Jase do you want to come?”
“Of course he does,” Jane answered before Jason could even let out a breath.
He looked at her. “I don’t think she asked you…”
_____________
Ok now, if you don’t mind my thoughts here, the only thing I thought you may want to consider, is adding more descriptions… like, of the surroundings and weather and such. It’s always nice to know what things look like. Is it sunny? Is it cold? What season is it? Are there birds or bees around?
I don’t know why those are fun description questions to me. lol
___
No matter!! I’m very interested in what happens next!! Keep up the good work!!! 😄
Flaz: *yawns* Did the sun just come up? In the west?
Hello!
follow the one with fire in His eyes
Hey! I don’t think we’ve really met…I’m Sara!
How are you?
Lukas&Livia
#Lalbert
Sef&Chase
#HOTTOLINE
LEFSE FOREVER!!!!!! <333Was this going to be the first chapter? I’m assuming if it’s not, that we would have already know a bit more about the family/characters, but there were a couple places I noticed that weren’t super clear about who a certain person was.
She was messing with Jason’s hat as Colton approached.
For example, right here, I had no idea who Jason was or where he had come from until you explained it a little farther down. It might be helpful if you said something like, “As Colton and Payton were pulling up to the curb, they could see Jane standing there with Jason…” and then briefly explain who Jason is. At first I thought he was another sibling or something. And down at the end, you mentioned Eliana as well but I don’t remember if Eliana is another sibling or a friend or who she is.
And then just a few smaller things as well-
Colton also tried to tell a few stories, but his lack of ability to tell a story made flying a plane almost straight up and nearly going unconscious sound boring.
His sister was a natural storyteller, putting thoughts into words with such beauty. It was a skill he could never acquire and he wasn’t sure he wanted to. He could never really imagine himself clicking away on a typewriter, telling some fantasy story or whatnot.
This section above seemed a little out of place, and I think it might fit better back when you’re first introducing Payton at the computer.
Jane was their youngest sister and one of the ones he was closest to.
For clarity, I think it would sound better if you said “one of the siblings”.
On the way there, Payton caught him up on recent events.
Here again, you could be more specific and say “the school”, instead of “there”.
But anyway, those are more minor details! Overall, I feel like I connected with Payton the best, and I’m excited to read more of your writing!
"Real love is for your good, not for your comfort." -Justin Whitmel Earley
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