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- Rank: Chosen One
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@joy-calle (you’re the one person I know that’s writing a soldier; hope you don’t mind me tagging you!!!!!!!! XD)
How does this snippet from a possible short story sound to you?
Like, does it sound good…is it too choppy? Any thoughts would be helpful <3
One punch.
His boots slid on the sand.
Sweat threatened to make his hands slip.
His fingers trembled on the trigger.
Two punches.
Men fell.
Men cried out for mercy.
Men screamed.
Tan sand turned to red.
Three punches; a grunt.
Hot fire ripped through his uniform.
He fell screaming, screaming, screaming.
He laid bleeding, bleeding, bleeding.
His world cascaded into darkness.
Knuckles bleeding, heart beating, breath heaving, Ryan Conner’s hands fell to his sides.
The battle he relived faded, replaced by the gym he vaguely remembered stepping into.
Alive…he was alive.
He stared at the bag before him, trapped between two worlds that he had never asked for.
Part of him was home; the other part of him was still stuck back there.
He was home…but he was still fighting for his life.
@freedomwriter76
XDXD
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
- Rank: Loyal Sidekick
- Total Posts: 110
@freedomwriter76
Not at all! I greatly appreciate the welcome break from my hw. 🫠
First thought: Your descriptions are *chef’s kiss*. I especially love the “knuckles bleeding” sentence.
Second thought: Is this your opening? If so, it’s killer.
Third thought: As for whether it’s choppy, I personally think not for the most part. In fact, the shorter sentences and paragraphs fit well with the pacing of the flashback sequence. I would say though, that once the flashback ends, it would probably be a good idea to transition the reader back to the present (along with Ryan) by transitioning to slightly longer sentences and paragraphs. For example (you don’t have to keep this edit ofc, since it’s completely up to you!):
Knuckles bleeding, heart beating, breath heaving, Ryan Conner’s hands fell to his sides. The battle he relived faded, replaced by the gym he vaguely remembered stepping into.
Alive…he was alive.
He stared at the bag before him, trapped between two worlds that he had never asked for. Part of him was home; the other part of him was still stuck back there.
He was home…but he was still fighting for his life.
I KNOWWW!!!! It’s so conflictingly bittersweettttt 😭😭😍😍 After we finished it I just laid on my bed in shock, and my 11 year old brother comforted me ❤❤
Awwww, haha that’s actually very sweet. My brothers would just laugh. 😂
Yess!! Oh they do give off such a fall vibe I lovee ittt 😍 Those movies were filmed in such beautiful places 😍😍
Yessssss!!! It’s SO pretty!!!
Well…I’ve noticed that I’ve grown very fond of a certain hobbit, like everything he does is so cute ✨😂 He’s so little compared with Gandalf and the many dwarves he’s constantly surrounded by. And the little nose thing he does is so cute, he looks like a little rabbit ✨😂😍 He did it when he and Gandalf were sitting on the steps watching the dwarves say goodbye to Thorin…🥺🥺
Aw, yes Bilbo is so sweet!!! And the nose thing, yesss, I love that. XD
And Kili oh my goodness 😭😭😭😭❤️❤️❤️❤️ I love him so muchhhh, he’s so sweet and cute and chaotic with his brother 😂😍
One of my favorite parts is when he’s in the Elvish prison and he and Tauriel are talking and he shows her the moonstone and says it’s to remember his promise to come back to her…because she’s worried and thinks he’s reckless 😂🥺
Tauriel: “And are you?”
Kili, throwing up the moonstone in the air: “Nah” *proceeds to drop the moonstone and it almost falls off the cliff*
Tthe whole moonstone thing is just ✨🥺
And the thing that gets me is…
He broke his promise to his mother 😭😭😭😭🥺🥺🥺🥺
YES KILI! The moonstone thing is just horrible. 😭😭
Oh and of course, Gandalf. Who doesn’t love Gandalf 😂😍❤️
Yessss, Gandalf!!!
Who’s your favorite(s)? 😀
HhhhMmMmMmm,
naw, I don’t need to think much. I have my favorites. XD
FILI! That sweet boi is number one for me. He doesn’t get the amount of screen time he deserves! I love how he’s so protective of his brother. The whole scene where he decides to stay with Kili instead of going to Erebor with the rest of the group. 😍 He and Kili had never seen Erebor before since they were born after Smaug came. But Fili decided his brother was a priority. And, when Thorin is enthralled with the Arkenstone and the treasures when Fili and Kili arrive at Erebor, Fili fights the sickness. He was the heir to the throne and he could’ve joined Thorin in hoarding it all, but he didn’t let it have an effect on him. Oh, and ofc, his death. He knows he’s about to die and still, he’s begging Thorin to get out of there. 😭
Oh dear, that turned into a rant.
I also love Thorin!! Mostly cuz I love redemption stories. But I won’t go on another rant. XD
I rolled the log over and underneath was a tiny little stick and I was like, "That log had a child
@freedomwriter76 cool snippet!! oh, and awesome–I published mine on Amazon, I can show you one if you’d like!
@mineralizedwritings that was a great movie for sure!Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
@freedomwriter76
I just finished the winter soldier!! 🤩🤩🤩 In basically one sitting… but lol, I had to know what happened.
The action was soooo good! I’ve seen Bucky’s knife flip before but It’s just the coolest XD
It’s so funny, I’ve been waiting to see Bucky for so long, and every-time he comes on screen it’s like
🤩😍😮😫😭😭
Oh no!! he’s trying to kill everyone!! XD It’s bad for the protagonists but I’m so happy to see him.
And I hate Pierce a lot.
But I still can’t get over the fight choreo!! So good! 😍😍
Definitely might call for some fanart…
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
- Rank: Chosen One
- Total Posts: 8156
@joy-calle
Ahh, girl, tysm!!!! 💕💕💕
First thought: Your descriptions are *chef’s kiss*. I especially love the “knuckles bleeding” sentence.
Aww, thank u!!!!!! <3 I’ve written a lot of flashbacks like this by now…😅 Aww, I’m so glad you like it!!! ❤️
Second thought: Is this your opening? If so, it’s killer.
It is XD
Third thought: As for whether it’s choppy, I personally think not for the most part. In fact, the shorter sentences and paragraphs fit well with the pacing of the flashback sequence. I would say though, that once the flashback ends, it would probably be a good idea to transition the reader back to the present (along with Ryan) by transitioning to slightly longer sentences and paragraphs.
Ok!!! Tysm for the advice! 💕💕
how are u doing girl, btw? Haven’t chatted in a while <3
- Rank: Chosen One
- Total Posts: 8156
I just finished the winter soldier!! 🤩🤩🤩 In basically one sitting… but lol, I had to know what happened.
*SQUEALS* AHHH, I’M SO HAPPY FOR U!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🤩🤩🤩✨✨✨🤩🤩🤩
it’s SOOOOOOO good!!!!!!! 😍😍
The action was soooo good! I’ve seen Bucky’s knife flip before but It’s just the coolest XD
LOL, Min 😂😂 (I think I saw an interview once where Sebastian Stan was talking about how he was always practicing flipping knives…he even said he flipped plastic knives while driving…like, Dude🤣)
It’s so funny, I’ve been waiting to see Bucky for so long, and every-time he comes on screen it’s like
🤩😍😮😫😭😭
Oh no!! he’s trying to kill everyone!! XD It’s bad for the protagonists but I’m so happy to see him.
ikr? 😂😂
Like, I know he’s supposed to be one of the “villains”, but, like, I get so happy when he’s around, lol
What would Marvel be without Bucky…I mean, come on now XD
And I hate Pierce a lot.
Sameeeeeeee
that’s why he’s a villain in, like, all of my AUs 🤣🤣😆🤣🤣
But I still can’t get over the fight choreo!! So good! 😍😍
i knowwwwwwwww 😍😍 sooo epic!!!
Definitely might call for some fanart…
*GASP*
MIN!!!!! I WILL HAVE TO SEEEEEEEEEEEEE
🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩
- Rank: Loyal Sidekick
- Total Posts: 110
@freedomwriter76
You’re so welcome! I always enjoy reading snippets of your stuff.
I’m doing great, thx! Just super tired after my first week of college 😅 How are you?
@mineralizedwritings yes fan art of anything please lol
it’s nice to know I’m not the only one obsessing over fictional people XD XD
wait, what kind of flipping knives? i spin my pencil around with my fingers sometimes because I saw one of my favorite characters do it with a knife on a tv show once
a therapist also told me it was a good exercise for my fingers one time and I was like “HA NOW I HAVE AN EXCUSE TO KEEP DOING IT” lol
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
@freedomwriter76
XDXD this is so much for fun doing it with other people! Of course, there’s no way I’d be watching Marvel without you. After I got burnt out of watching Haikyuu, at some point I prayed about getting to be a fan of another thing… XD!
Oh yea! I think I saw that interview!
Yes, Marvel definitely needs Bucky.
I will share it!
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
@mineralizedwritings Ok, great! Thanks!
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
@keilah-h @mineralizedwritings @freedomwriter @everyone
Hey guys! How are you all doing?
WE ARE REVIVING THE PROTECTION SQUAD! *steals Joseph, Julian, and Sabina from Ellette*
I’m ok! Thanks for asking! I was feeling really bad this past week, but much better and actually quite happy today. I can kinda feel fall in the air… and we have the heat turned on now 😍
I just re-watched captain America over discord with my sister who is at college, and that was really fun. It’s a pain to set up but once you do it, it’s a lot of fun. We can have the video call and voice chat open at the same time while I screen share from my dvd player, and we’re going to watch the next movie together tonight.
I have so much schoolwork these days! I’m taking both chem 116 and psych 100, which have a lot of reading and note taking. My chem teacher isn’t really good, and psych is just a lot of work, so I’m doing work on Saterdays too. 🙁
I made some fanart of Bucky the other day, but kp pictures are down so I can’t upload it. Other than that, I think I’m doing pretty well! Family tensions are still bad, but I’m very thankful I have people here on kp to help me get a break from it.
How are you doing? <3
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
I’m just going to blindly assume that I can be in here. (:
Hello peoples!!
Whatever poem thing I just read by @freedomwriter76 was cool.
AND YES I LOVE BILBO BAGGINS (of all the things I find displeasing from the Hobbit movies at least they got Bilbo right)
Would there happen to be any George MacDonald fans here? Or Andrew Peterson? Or someone who has possibly read Out of the Silent Planet??
Does anyone in here like moss?
I am running out of conversation starter ideas…. I have flunked the social test
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