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@freedomwriter76 @whalekeeper @lightoverdarkness6 @godlyfantasy12 @loopylin @anyone
Ok yall I know I keep asking people to pray for me… just having a really hard time ok? 😅
I mean I’m literally crying rn. I decided to drive myself to a appointment with my college counselor to plan classes, but on the way there I was super stressed because I had an argument with my mom I didn’t get fully sorted out… idk, I made a wrong turn and had to back around, then was already feeling messed up, then turned onto the wrong side of the road. Yeah. It was super scary. By the time I made it in I was on the verge of tears the whole time, my counselor was super sweet and offered me candy or tea (lol) but I was just trying not to break down. I made it through the appointment and back out to the car. As I was thinking it over, I kinda realized I’ve been biting off way more than I can chew in life to 1. Please my dad 2. because I don’t have a social life and I thought becoming an adult would give it to me. The last time I came back from driving by myself, my dad was told me he was proud of me.
I still had to drive home with all that on my mind, but thankfully, it’s close.
I’ve also got this unhealthy fantasy of moving out the year after I graduate and cutting (almost all) contact with my dad so he can see the consequences of his actions. (He told us we could leave like 2 years ago and had my sis make a sign that says ‘exit’ for the door. To remind us we can leave. I think it’s still up there.) I know it’s not healthy and it’s God’s job to punish people, not mine. I can’t help but feel angry he never feels the pain he is causing though.
I guess It’s kinda a lot of different things together, but it’s like I flipped some mental switch in my head that said that finishing my highschool years had no use and I should just grow up, so my brain is confused what I can and can’t handle on my own.
It’s becoming more of a problem over time. I can forgive annoying comments my dad makes, but when he says things that push me in a unhealthy mental direction It gets harder every time.
We think he has a certain type of dementia that deteriorates the part of your brain that handles relationships. It’s super hard to get diagnosed because most people are resistant. What most families do is be sneaky and go behind the persons back to get then a brain scan, but it’s risky because they can get angry about it. We were literally this close to getting him a brain scan (He wanted one for other reasons) but he backed out of it.
There is also a asain culture part of it. Asain culture is well known for pushing there kids to become either docters or lawyers, and be high achievers. My dad is half japenese so it explains some of the pressure, but not the other things.
I thought I was dealing with it all ok, but everything he says kinda seeps into my subconscious, and I’m never quite aware of how it affects me. The most painful thing rn has been that even with me doing college for my last two highschool years, he still comments on moving out/jobs/what some kids do (Which is generally unrealistic, most kids do not do these things at said age)
Anyways, please pray for me. I’m also still recovering from health problems (the type you can’t see, makes it much harder to help people understand) which includes anxiety. It makes since for me to spend some extra time at home, but he probably won’t understand. I kinda don’t know what I am and what I’m doing.
His last day at work is like tomorrow (We believe he was let go because of some of his outburst at work, related to his mental health issues. We won’t be able to file for disability unless he gets diagnosed though)
So idk. How long can you live with somebody who is mentally ill without having a in person support network? 😅 I’m thankful he isn’t violent at all, but it still gets to me. We have been praying about it too, but I had kinda put my hope in moving out early, now realizing I might not be ready and I know I need to trust God with this more.
I have been blessed with what I believe is a exceptional relationship with my mom through all of this, so praise God for that. All of this does show me my deficits and how I am not relying on God like I should be, so I’m thankful to realize that and I don”t doubt all this will make me better if I choose to learn from it.
Thanks for letting me ramble, I can’t tell you guys how much it means just to write out how I’m feeling and know somebody will get to read it. <33
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
Sorry guys I need to add something too that.
Part of what makes this harder is that my dad has some awesome qualities. He knows how to play soooo well. I mean he’s like the absolute dream Grandpa, but because of his other issues I don’t plan on him being around my kids a whole lot if I have any. He can be caring and fun, so there’s always this feeling of what could have been if things didn’t turn for the worse.
Also it’s super hard to tell what is mental health dysfunction and what is bad morals. You can’t hold it against somebody if they aren’t healthy, but what about when it’s a mix of personal choice, morals, and health?
Also the main thing I’m struggling with rn is something I could only explain as a minor identity crisis (XD) it’s like there’s one half of me that’s like We like makeup and hair and act like adult because we are/ then the other side of me that’s like ohmygoodnessletshavefun and then it’s like… what do highscoolers do for fun again? Oh ok… we don’t have any of that I guess we’ll just default to the other side for now.
And on another note, my mom deals with things very differently than I do, and for the last year has used humor to make things easier for herself. Y’know, like sarcastic comments about how bad things have gotten. I asked her to stop so she did, but I’ve reaches the point where I’m becoming like her. That part of me that’s like ‘wow if this was 10x worse it would be such a villain backstory (Haven’t we all used ‘can’t please blank person’ as a villain motivation?) Good thing I’m not becoming Zuko! (Avatar anyone?)
I know, it sounds disrespectful to the situation, but It gets harder and harder to told it together as it goes on, and it’s like I”m entering the stage my mom was in when she first got sarcastic about it. I guess it’s just a phase and I’ll even out when I get some more time to think about it. I don’t mean to disrespect my dad, he’s provided for our family really well and at times was just what I needed (Again, makes it harder because those times are gone).
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
Hey. I’m really sorry you’re having a hard time. I’ll be praying ❤️😔
Any noun can become a verb if you don't care enough.
Thanks <33
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
I just prayed and I’ll try to remember to keep praying. 💕
“Nothing says autumn like slurpin’ apples.” -my uncle
I’m so sorry.
All I can say is that it must be rough, but you are an AmAzing person on here and I hope things will go AmAzing for you, and I really mean it.
I’ve never been in a situation like that, specifically, but I can definitely relate to the “oh, this is a villain backstory, lol,” except for me, it’s “oh, this is a underdog hero backstory, lol.” Actually, I can very distinctly remember thinking that exact same thought.
And oh my goodness the dark humor…
That feeling of trying to handle it, but you’ve been “handling” it for so long that it doesn’t feel like you or anyone else is dedicated enough to actually put a foot down and stop the terribleness, or even HOW. Like, there’s not even a clear, easy option towards changing things – and if there is, you’ve been trying so, so, so hard to go that direction, but you freaking can’t…
Anyway, I sincerely hope things become better for you, and I will pray. *hugs*
“Everything is a mountain”
I’m so sorry you’re going through this Min!! I’ll be praying too!! ❤️❤️
"Be careful, for writing books is endless, and much study wears you out." Eccl. 12:12
Oh my! I am sorry you are going through all that, but of course I will pray!🤗 💗 I hope everything smooths out and you get everything situated! (Also you can ask us to pray as many times as you need😊) If you need to talk about anything else just let me know💗
"Would you kindly...?"
Hey Min!
I just wanted to let you know I’m praying for you. I struggle with my relationship with my dad as well. He’s not aware at times and I also read into things waaaay too much, so with the combination of the two it’s all kinda hard. 😅 I struggle with wanting to please him a lot as well so I’m always scared that I’m going to mess up. But anyway… just wanted to say I can relate and to encourage you to lean on your Heavenly Father who loves you perfectly. ❤
(also, I feel like we’re in the same stage of life rn with ending hs soon and moving out, so if you ever want to rant about anything feel free to)
I rolled the log over and underneath was a tiny little stick and I was like, "That log had a child
@loopylin @hybridlore @acancello
Thank you gals so much! <3
And you all are always free to reach out to me too if you need it 💗
I’ve never been in a situation like that, specifically, but I can definitely relate to the “oh, this is a villain backstory, lol,” except for me, it’s “oh, this is a underdog hero backstory, lol.” Actually, I can very distinctly remember thinking that exact same thought.
Aww thanks Whaley. I think that will help me to think of it in a better light. <3
That feeling of trying to handle it, but you’ve been “handling” it for so long that it doesn’t feel like you or anyone else is dedicated enough to actually put a foot down and stop the terribleness, or even HOW.
Yes this. I couldn’t have explained it better myself, exactly how it feels.
Thank you so much! *hug*
And if you ever need somebody to talk to, you can tag me! You guys have been so awesome about me ranting about my problems XD
Thanks, yeah it can be tough. I’m sorry your having a hard time too!
(also, I feel like we’re in the same stage of life rn with ending hs soon and moving out, so if you ever want to rant about anything feel free to)
You too girl! Are you also in your senior year?
@everyone
I felt super embarrassed when I realized how long my rant was… XD
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
Thanks, yeah it can be tough. I’m sorry your having a hard time too!
Thanks. ❤
You too girl! Are you also in your senior year?
Haha, cool! Yes I am! Well, I’m planning on graduating early, hopefully in the next week or so, but technically I’m in my senior year rn. 😊
I rolled the log over and underneath was a tiny little stick and I was like, "That log had a child
Of course! 🥰
I felt super embarrassed when I realized how long my rant was… XD
XD don’t worry about it, I know it helps so much just to be able to talk to other people and get it out, and I know you’re going through a lot right now so that just made me realize how much, I guess. And everyone rants on here about everything, xD How are you doing today?
"Be careful, for writing books is endless, and much study wears you out." Eccl. 12:12
Cool!
Lol, thank I was kinda worried I took it too far… lol.
I’m doing a lot better! I’m sighed up for classes now which is a relief, I decided to take them all online to just kinda go easy on myself.
I’ve been working on my book a lot which is always fun, trying to decide how long to take the timeline… I think sometimes making a book go until the teenagers are all grown up can ruin the charm of the story… idk. Maybe I’ll keep it short and sweet, but I still want to have a timeskip at some point.
Also I had a awesome breakfast this morning. XD
And my birthday is super soon! I know like half of what I”m getting because I picked it out… who cares it’s still fun 🤣
How are you doing?
"And so I left this world just as I had entered it. Confused."
Nah don’t worry about it, lol.
That’s great! What kind of classes are you taking? (Is this college, or what?)
Ooh, awesome! Is your book going to be a series, or just have like a scene at the end of when they’re older? Yeah, I get that a little bit, too. Makes sense!
Oooh yum XXD
Oh awesome! Happy early birthday!! XD Mine (and @euodia’s) is tomorrow, that’s weird all of ours are close xD But I think September 9th, or something, is the most common birthday, so I guess early September is still pretty common? Yeah, it still is. I have a hard time finding things I want to ask for my birthday lol, but I like getting things that I know I’ll like too xD
"Be careful, for writing books is endless, and much study wears you out." Eccl. 12:12
Oops, forgot to answer this XXD
I’m pretty good! My grandparents are visiting, so that’s been nice. Writing has been going really good the past few days and is sort of slowing down today (and yesterday) because I’m annoyed with my plot again, but hopefully I’ll be able to figure it out soon.
It’s kind of weird, because my whole life I’ve basically struggled with sticking with one project and not getting bored and leaving it for another idea, but now that I’m working on this one, even though the plot’s kind of a mess, I don’t want to start something else yet.
Hopefully that made sense, xD. Have you ever felt like that?
"Be careful, for writing books is endless, and much study wears you out." Eccl. 12:12
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