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*SCREECHES IN ANNOYANCE!!!* THE SILLY THING NEVER NOTIFIED ME! I FOUND THIS BY MISTAKE!!!
*takes a very deep breath*
RAE THIS IS INCREDIBLE!!! I LOVE THIS SO MUCH!!!! YOU ARE AN INSANELY AMAZING AUTHORESS! Oh wow! This is so good! The characters, the world, the personalities, the dialogue, the description!!!!! I COULD GO ON FOREVER!!!!!!!!!
I love this!!! I’ll be keeping this page open and checking every day to make sure there’s not a new Baron story that the silly thing didn’t tell me about.
This is awesome!!!!!!
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
I haven’t read the second part yet, but I’ll critique the first section first.
Keep in mind that this is all my opinion, and you can ignore what you want.
Your first sentence is good. I don’t have any critique for it.
The second sentence has a couple things.
Halfbreed of man and elf, Max lacked the pointed ears and the knifelike sharp features of his Loria brethren.
Firstly, you should add ‘a’ or ‘as a’ to the beginning of the sentence. It sounds incomplete without it. I’d also recommend you switch the spots of ‘knifelike’ and ‘sharp’ (and add a comma). It sounds a bit weird as it is. Alternatively, you could do ‘knife sharp’.
Indeed, the fire showed his features mostly came from his human side, besides his grey eyes. His grey eyes were deep and filled with emotion. Loving, caring, gentle, filled with gladness; yet determined, loyal, alert, with sparks of fierce protection.
I agree with Keilah’s critique about not saying ‘gray eyes’ twice in a row. The second and third sentences seem to imply that Max’s only non-human feature is that his eyes are full of emotion. That doesn’t seem like a necessarily inhuman trait. Do I understand correctly that that is being implied?
Despite the cold, and despite emanate danger, Max was smiling as a little she-elf rattled on about nothing in particular next to him. Her green eyes practically glowed, and the firelight sparkled off of the delicate threads of silver and gold interwoven into her braided hair.
I think ‘imminent’ is the word you’re looking for, not ’emanate’ (the former meaning impending or approaching, the latter meaning radiating from). Also, you need a ‘the’ before ‘danger’.
(I like the description of Elida, btw).
Fen looked troubled, staring into the crescent moon. “The moon has risen; the Bloodsilver will come soon. Hopefully they send that foolish Fire Wielder. If the Silver Streak himself comes…” Fen’s face was grave.
The Silver Streak had claimed the lives of many: kings, princes, ambassadors, politicians, generals, even other assassins. To be in power was to be at risk of meeting your end at the hand of the Bloodsilver’s greatest assassin. The worst part: The Silver Streak never missed his target. Only once did one ever escape, and that was when the Silver Streak made his first appearance. Many times, the assassin’s target was dead before anyone knew what happened, and leaving the scene would be a line of silver, said to be his hair glistening in the light of the moon.
This is ok, but it might add more tension if, instead of explaining exactly what the Silver Streak is right after mentioning it for the first time, you left us hanging. Maybe you could drop a little hint or something but not go into a full out explanation. Something is scarier if we don’t know what it is or don’t understand it.
If you like it how it is and decide to keep it you may want to trim the second paragraph down a bit, since it’s a bit long.
Also, side note, ‘the worst part was’ would probably sound better than ‘the worst part:’
(btw why does the moon coming out mean that they’re necessarily going to be attacked?)
Oh! What did it matter? A mysterious Wind Charmer was speeding towards Max’s charge!
This sentence is kind of confusing.
With a grunt, the thin form with spidery legs tumbled to the ground, before getting up and trying again.
I just like this picture.
“I guess I must fight you, fellow Wind Charmer.”
This sounds a bit unnatural and not like something a person would actually say.
Baron put away the knife
This doesn’t seem like a great idea. Even if Baron is trying to avoid hand-to-hand, if Max does get in close (which he should be trying to do since it’s been established that he would win at melee combat) it’s going to take that much longer to defend himself. Unless he needs to use his hands for his wind powers, he should probably keep it out.
As Max tried to call upon more wind, it felt as though his arms would collapse. He had not clashed with another Wind Charmer like this since his training days. He glanced at his opponent, who was shaking as he tried to control the power of the wind. Max couldn’t tell if he himself was shaking from the power of the wind or from the fear of losing and not being able to protect Eldia. Besides, Max always slightly shook.
The trees’ needles thrashed violently around them, the very trees themselves almost seemed to be leaning away. The plants were uprooted and carried away. The leaf litter went dancing, and the dirt kicked into the air. Both men’s eyes began to fill with tears as they were bombarded with debris. Max’s shoulder stung as dirt entered the wound and his wind weakened. Baron gained the upper hand, blowing Max back into a tree trunk. Max gave a shout as he collided, his wind further failing for an instant. He was losing. No! No, he couldn’t lose! Eldia’s life was on the line! If he lost here, she would most likely die. He would probably be killed too. Max did not fear death, but at the thought the vision of blue eyes clouded with tears entered his mind. Of a weeping young woman pulling two darling children to her breast as she cried. At the vision, Max’s resolve doubled, and his own wind blew Baron into another tree. The wind dissipated, and the enemies caught their breath as they leaned against the trunks of the trees.
This is just cool. Though you might want to split the second paragraph up, since it’s pretty long. You could do something like this:
As Max tried to call upon more wind, it felt as though his arms would collapse. He had not clashed with another Wind Charmer like this since his training days. He glanced at his opponent, who was shaking as he tried to control the power of the wind. Max couldn’t tell if he himself was shaking from the power of the wind or from the fear of losing and not being able to protect Eldia. Besides, Max always slightly shook.
The trees’ needles thrashed violently around them, the very trees themselves almost seemed to be leaning away. The plants were uprooted and carried away. The leaf litter went dancing, and the dirt kicked into the air. Both men’s eyes began to fill with tears as they were bombarded with debris. Max’s shoulder stung as dirt entered the wound and his wind weakened. Baron gained the upper hand, blowing Max back into a tree trunk. Max gave a shout as he collided, his wind further failing for an instant.
He was losing.
No! No, he couldn’t lose! Eldia’s life was on the line! If he lost here, she would most likely die. He would probably be killed too. Max did not fear death, but at the thought the vision of blue eyes clouded with tears entered his mind. Of a weeping young woman pulling two darling children to her breast as she cried.
At the vision, Max’s resolve doubled, and his own wind blew Baron into another tree. The wind dissipated, and the enemies caught their breath as they leaned against the trunks of the trees.
Not saying you have to do it this way, but it seems like the most logical way to split it up without rewriting it. The way I did it, with the ‘he was losing’ part being on its own may sound a bit melodramatic, so you might want to play around with splitting it up a bit.
Also, instead of ‘she would most likely die’ and ‘he would probably be killed, too’ I think it would be better to just say ‘she would die, and he would be killed, too’ (don’t do the emphasis like that, though). ‘Would’ weakens the impact.
And instead of ‘the trees’ needles’ maybe try ‘the needles on the trees’.
“Are you okay?” Max asked. Baron was his enemy, but Baron was also another being made in the Creator’s image, because of this, worry seeped into Max’s grey eyes.
It would sound better with an ‘and’ before ‘because’.
“Faren!” The Streak cried out suddenly.
I think Baron should know better than this. He’s risking giving away his ally. Not a big deal, and you could say that it was too late for Max to do anything, but it seems unnecessary for Baron to say this, other than for the audience to know Faren’s name. Baron could always say this after or something.
A tear traveled down Baron’s cheek. He lay among the warm sheets of a bed, pain wracking his body. Princess Eldia lived. Baron had failed his mission.
“I’m sorry, Father. I failed.” Another tear broke free from his lids.
Your tears don’t really come from your eyelids. Also, if you’re lying on your back your tears are going to run down your temples towards your ears, not down your cheeks, since they would have to go up to get over your cheekbones.
That’s all the sentence-by-sentence I have. Most of this was really good!
Now for some overall critiques and comments.
It’s hard to get a good picture of the scene. All we can really tell is that they’re in some kind of forest. It’s also unclear why they’re there with the princess. If they’re expecting an attack, it doesn’t seem like a great place to be.
I like how it’s not from Baron’s POV. I think that was a really good choice.
Max seems a little too perfect. That’s not really a problem if he’s not going to be a reoccurring character, but if he is, make sure he doesn’t seem too flat. From this section he doesn’t seem to have any flaws.
That’s all I have for the moment. Sorry, that was a lot. I’ll read and critique the second part when I have time. Let me know if there’s any way I could be more helpful with my critiques (a critique for my critique? lol)
Great job.
A disturbingly short time ago, in a land uncomfortably close by...
@ellette-giselle @keilah-h @highscribeofaetherium
Third story! This should fill in a few gaps from the second
A Visitor in the Night
“’Suuuuuuch is…the faaaaaaate of the eh-vil–”
“Not /eh/. Look, there’s a vowel after the /v/, so it’s…C’mon, you’re almost done,” A mother coaxed her young son.
“/Ee/! Ee-vil-do-er.’ Evil-doer, right?” Simeon’s bright blue eyes turned to his mother, Ruby.
She nodded. “Keep going.”
“Said the…knight; ‘he…who digs a…p, pi, pit?’”
His mother nodded. “I’ll stop you if you read something wrong. Keep going unless I say so.”
“’He who digs…a pit for his…n, n, nei-gah-bor–“
“It’s the pesky /gh/ again!” Ruby exclaimed.
Simeon let out a groan, before trying again: “’neigh-bor…falls in it–“
“Not /in/. Look again.”
“In-to! ‘falls into it him…himself!’” Simeon let out a sigh on contented completion as Ruby took his book.
“Guess what? Only one more chapter to go!”
“What?! Only one more! Wow, look at my boy! He flew through that book fast!”
Simeon left his seat, running to the man who had entered the room. “Daddy!”
Max bent down to Simeon, with the boy’s younger sister, Esther, nestled in the crook of his arm, asleep on his shoulder.
Ruby gently took Esther from Max, using a handkerchief to wipe the drool from the toddler’s mouth and her husband’s shirt. Ruby tenderly stroked her child’s curls, looking into the girl’s peaceful face. Esther’s pretty dark curls, inherited from her great grandmother, were growing in nicely though they were beginning to be a pain to comb in the back for they curled tightly and the girl had her mother’s sensitive head. “She needed to go to bed soon anyway. Simeon, you have a few minutes with your father, and then it’s off to bed with you as well.”
Simeon was about to complain, but a single look from his father, and he obediently replied, “Yes, Mommy.”
Before the sun began her descent down towards the horizon to set, the two children were snuggly tucked into bed, their bedtime stories read, and their nighttime song sung. Max and Ruby sat on the couch together in the living room, with Max’s arm around Ruby’s shoulders, talking about this and that without the little ears of Simeon and Esther overhearing. The newest addition to the family, little baby Uriah, lay asleep in Ruby’s arms.
In a lull in the conversation, Ruby stared at the bit of a burn scar peeking out from the collar of her husband’s shirt. A mark that Max had earned nearly a year ago.
“What is it?” Max asked, noticing how Ruby was staring at him in the soft light of evening after the setting sun. “What’s wrong?”
Ruby was silent for a moment, shifting her gaze to meet his grey eyes. “Your scars. The ones the Fire Wielder, Faren, gave you when you battled the Silver Streak. Every time I look at them, I think about what happened, and am so grateful that you’re okay.” The light glistened off of the excess water that was forming in her eyes.
Max pulled Ruby closer to him, careful of the baby in her arms, kissing her hair.
She buried her face in his shoulder. “You need to take better care of yourself.”
“I know, I know.”
After a few minutes, Ruby pulled away, wiping at her eyes. “It’s getting late. We should turn in.”
Max nodded in agreement.
Uriah began to cry as Ruby tried to lay him in his crib for the night in Max’s and Ruby’s bedroom, so she nestled herself in the rocking chair with the child in her arms quietly singing as Max readied himself for bed.
Soon both mother and child were fast asleep, still in the comfort of the rocking chair.
Max listened to Ruby’s soft breathing as he lay down to sleep. Eventually the sound of her breathing faded away as Max fell deeply into the arms of Lady Sleep.
From nothingness, the faint wisps of a dream began, starting out like any ordinary, wacky dream had at night, but eventually the sound of a woodwind could be heard, playing in the background of Max’s dream endlessly. Soon Max cared no longer for the oddities of the dream, wishing only to know from whence the music came. He traveled through the world of his dream, seemingly no farther nor closer to the sound no matter where he went, until finally he heard the sound ring more clearly, coming from some strange meadow. Max followed the sound into the swaying grass blades and bobbing flowers, until he saw the figure of a man standing in the meadow. He was created with what seemed to be pale light, with silver hair and skin grey as ash. His light, though it was no brighter than a small candle, made the rest of the meadow seem dark with dull hues of greens, greys, and dampened yellows. This man was the one playing the woodwind. Max’s brows furrowed, for the instrument the man played and his hands were cracked. At the moment, his face was cast in shadow. Max stood still among the flowers and grasses, watching the man with curiosity.
As Max watched, physical manifestations of wind came flying from all directions, like glowing ribbons of many soft colors. As the song played, the winds met in one spot, forming themselves into the shape of a woman, wearing a dress whose train stretched forever over the meadow grass. The woman, who Max recognized as Lady Wind, a figure used to symbolize the element she was created by, glided gracefully to the side of the man who played the instrument, reaching out her hand to him. At once Max realized that the man was a Wind Charmer as he stopped his playing and took her hand.
The man then lifted up his head, so that his face was no longer in shadow. Fear struck Max as he beheld the man’s face, for it was the face of the Bloodsilver’s greatest assassin, the Silver Streak, Baron.
In the same fight in which Max had been burned by Faren, Max had fought with this fellow Wind Charmer, and though Max was victor, Baron had escaped with the help of Faren. But even though Max recognized the male figure as Baron, he did not totally look alike to the man, for cracks ran across his skin, like those on his instrument and hands, and red tears trickled from his eyes.
‘He comes. He comes. He comes again’ came the voice of Lady Wind, the voice of a thousand roaring tongues made by breezes playing the blades of grass like an odd instrument.
Suddenly in the dream, Ruby appeared, standing by Baron. In her arms she held little Uriah just as she had done that evening. She did not seem to notice the figures around her; she did not seem to notice anything around them, she only stared forward as Uriah slept in her arms.
The assassin raised a knife to her throat. Ruby made no reaction, apparently unaware of Baron’s presence. Max tried to call out to her, but it was if his lips was sewn shut. He tried to move, but it was as if his legs were lead. He tried to call upon Lady Wind, but she turned her back to him. As the blade slid across Ruby’s throat, Max found his voice, awaking in a dark room with a shout. A baby began to cry, and a gentle hand was laid on his arm.
“Are you okay?” came Ruby’s soft voice, flooding with concern.
Max relaxed. She was alright, it was only a dream. “Yeah, just a nightmare. Don’t worry about it.”
Ruby leaned closer to him, wrapping her arms around Max. “Too late. I’m worried.” She planted a kiss on his cheek. “Nightmares go away now.” She rested her head on his shoulder for a bit, before pulling back with a second kiss to find a light.
The room now lit with a pale warm yellow light, she took Uriah up into her arms, hushing his cries.
Max watched her with a smile, before getting up himself and taking his son into his arms. “I’m sorry, Little One,” he whispered as he gently rocked him. After a bit, the baby calmed again. That was when Max heard a light thump, like soft feet landing on carpet.
Slightly alarmed by his dream, Max motioned for Ruby to stay, handing her Uriah, as he went to check it out. Cracking open his door, he peered out, seeing the slender male figure from his dream, only this time, his hair was white, and his skin a natural color.
In an instant, Max called upon the wind, propelling himself forward and pinning Baron against the wall.
“What are you doing here? How did you find my home?” Max’s usually merry, kind grey eyes flickered with such a fire of fierce protection for his family that Baron shuddered under his gaze.
“I-I didn’t come to fight or kill.”
Max was slightly taken aback by Baron’s voice. Last time they had met it was a constant monotone, now it was quiet, and scared, like a whimpering puppy. “Then why did you come here?”
“I need to talk with you. I don’t know what to do.” Baron refused to make eye contact, he looked down or to the side, further reminding Max of a whimpering puppy.
Max still pressed Baron into the wall, a breeze permanently welling around him.
Ruby peered through the doorway, protectively holding Uriah in her arms. “Max, is everything okay?”
“Ruby, put Uriah to bed and then come out here. He wants to talk.” Max loosened his grip on Baron. As Ruby went to put Uriah back to bed, he whispered, “You make one move towards her and I won’t hesitate to take you down. Where’s Faren?”
“Back at the Bloodsilver.”
Max fully released Baron. Ruby closed the bedroom door behind her, moving to the kitchen to brew tea for their visitor.
Max motioned for Baron to come sit in a chair by the couch in the living room. Max watched Baron’s every move carefully from his own seat on the couch.
As Ruby stirred in the sugar to the tea, he got up, still keeping an eye of Baron. Coming to her side, he whispered, “Watch him. You’ll be able to see if he’s lying better than I will.” Ruby nodded, placing the tea cups on a tray and bringing them out to set on the table by the couch and armchair.
Baron took tea, but no cookies. “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t know you had a child. I wouldn’t have come if I had known.” His gaze was kept low, his head bowed slightly in a submissive position.
“May I ask what is going on?”
Baron kept his gaze where it was, but answered Ruby. “I’m Baron. I’m sure Max has told you about me. I came to talk.”
Ruby’s blue eyes hardened. This was the very man who had tried to kill Princess Eldia, and was the reason Max had been burned and come home hurt. Her usually friendly attitude towards visitors faded, being replaced with the fierce and hostile look of her ancestors. If she was a strong woman, angering her would be a force to be reckoned with.
“What do you want to talk about?” Max asked as Ruby sat beside him.
Baron set his tea down after a sip. He brought his knees up to his chest, resting his feet on the edge of the chair. “There was this…young girl. I wasn’t supposed to kill her, but instead abduct her without anyone realizing. But when I got there, the kid was already taken by the government.”
“Why did the government want this girl?” Max interrupted.
“You know about elemental and energy magic, but they say that this girl has a third type. A type so rare that they are only born with it every couple thousand years. Whether this is true or not, both the Bloodsilver and the Government took interest in her, both for selfish reasons.” Baron took a moment, gathering his thoughts before continuing. “I pursued her. I took her from the Government, and the first thing she said to me once we were clear was ‘you’re a hero, aren’t you?’” Baron paused again, but this time it almost seemed as if he was about to break down in tears.
Ruby’s gaze softened, as the realization flooded over her. His sad and submissive attitude, the dark circles under his eyes, the pallid look of his face, the uncombed mess of his hair. She peered into his past, into his thoughts, and confirmed her thoughts. This is a broken man.
Taking up the tea and drinking, Baron gathered himself once again. “I answered that I was, and she came with me quietly, straight back to the Bloodsilver. So innocently she followed me! She trusted me as if she had known me her entire life. When I gave her over to the Bloodsilver, I thought that that was the end of it, but I couldn’t stop thinking about what she asked me.” Baron paused again, to gain some self-control before he lost hold of his emotions. “I’m not a hero, I was probably her doom! I used to enjoy my life, but now…” For the fourth time, Baron paused. “…I had to kill someone night before last and I almost backed out. The Silver Streak, with a body count of ninety-two almost backed out of assassinating someone.” Baron ashamedly swirled his tea. “I don’t know what to do. I remembered you, how you seemed to care for me when I was coughing blood even though we were fighting, so I thought maybe you could help me.”
Max turned to Ruby. “Is he telling the truth?”
“Yes, I believe so. I can see his story.”
Baron looked up. “You can see my story?”
Ruby’s blue eyes alighted upon him. “I am a Story Weaver. Sometimes I can see glimpses of a person’s life.”
Baron watched her with wonder. “Then, Story Weaver, can you see my future?”
Ruby nodded. “Glimpses, yes, but mostly only emotions.”
“Then, tell me, what happens?”
“I can’t tell you such things. A Story Weaver cannot reveal someone’s future until it is time. But, to the point on which you came, is this girl, Rya, still alive?”
Baron nodded. “Yes, I believe so.”
“Then what you must do is save her, and run.”
“But…I don’t…”
Ruby leaned forward, catching Baron’s gaze. Her blue eyes were stern. “Rya asked if you were a hero. Be one for her. Walk away from the Bloodsilver, rescuing Rya as you do so. Then, ask Immanuel for forgiveness for the blood you have spilled. Those are the first steps in the path you must take.”
“Immanuel?”
“It means God with us,” Max replied. “It’s another name for His Son.”
There was no recognition in Baron’s face. “And God is?”
“An all-powerful, all knowing being, who is divine and holy. He is also just, and does justice to all who have sinned. But God is merciful and sent his only Son, Immanuel, to wash away our sins, so that all who believe in Him are righteous and sinless before God.”
“So God is…a Nameless Thing who murdered His own Son? I might be an assassin, but that’s cruel, even for me.”
“First of all, God isn’t a Nameless Thing, He created them,” Ruby began to explain. “He was before the stars were, He spoke them and all creation into existence. Second, His Son was willing to die for us, because He loves us, and wanted us to be sinless before His Abba so that we could dwell with Him forever.”
Baron pondered for a second, before nodding. Ruby could tell that he didn’t truly understand. Baron slowly rose from his seat, and the breeze hovering around Max grew stronger, poised like a snake ready to strike.
“I should leave now. I must be back at the Bloodsilver before Father gets worried.”
Max did not relax, but he did nod. “May you find God one day.”
With that, Baron flew out of the window he had entered by. All that could be seen as he made his way back to the Bloodsilver was a streak of silver dashing over the countryside.
It had been a week since Baron visited them that night. Ruby had laid the children to bed, and now busied herself tidying the house with the luxury of no children under foot and destroying the work she had just done.
As was usual, she worried a bit about Max, who was on duty protecting Princess Eldia again. He wouldn’t be home for another few hours. And as was a recent habit, her mind also wondered over Baron. Was he alright? She tried to use her Story Weaving powers to see where he was, but she failed. All she saw was a glimpse of silver.
Night was gently resting upon the countryside when Ruby heard a gentle rat-tat-tat on the door.
Ruby answered the door, and gasped. Baron stood in the doorway, his face more pale and drained than the last time she had seen him. A bloodied and soiled bandage was wrapped around his neck. In his arms, he labored with the sleeping form of a child, probably only six years old. Despite her young age, the girl’s silver hair was unbelievably long and thick. Baron looked on the brink of collapse. “Is Max here?” His voice strained to come out.
“No, but do come in!” Ruby aided Baron to the couch, before carefully taking the child from his arms. The girl stirred a bit, but did not fully awake as Ruby laid her on Ruby’s bed and pulled the covers over her. Ruby then hurried to get bandages and water for Baron, who was fighting to keep consciousness. “What happened?” She inquired, giving Baron a drink.
Baron took a long, slow sip of the cool water, before answering, “That girl is Rya. I want you and Max to take care of her. Keep her away from Bloodsilver.”
Ruby nodded, checking Baron for signs of airway blockage and shock, before carefully beginning to unwrap the bandage around Baron’s neck. Running down the side of his neck and onto his chest was a deep cut. She wondered that he had not yet bled to death. “You should see a doctor for this. I can treat cuts, but not this bad.”
“No, I can’t. If you can’t take care of it, I’ll do it myself. Only you, Max and I must know that I was here, or Rya will be in danger.”
Ruby thought for a moment, before hurrying off, calling back to him, “I need more supplies. Keep talking. Tell me about…your battle with my husband.”
Baron reluctantly began speaking quietly, telling his recount of the events in his own words. Ruby soon returned, pressuring Baron to keep talking as she threw a blanket over him to keep him warm. She cleaned his cut, before taking out a sterilized needle and thread, sewing up the wound. “I’m severely out of practice, so I apologize that the stitches aren’t perfect, but they’ll hold.”
“I don’t care if they’re perfect or not,” Baron replied with a weak smile. “I thank you for your help all the same.”
“You’re welcome. You can ask Max, I can’t turn someone who needs help away. Keep talking.”
Baron continued to slowly speak, but his speech was beginning to falter as Ruby sewed the last stitch. She had to keep pressuring him to keep speaking so he’d stay awake. Finally, she applied the bandage. “How does that feel?”
“Very nice, thank you.”
Ruby gave him another sip of water. “You can rest now. I’ll go get you another blanket.”
“Thank you,” Baron mumbled, his eyes closing.
Ruby sat up late in the night waiting for Max to return. He was later than usual, but finally he walked through the door. Ruby greeted him with a kiss before telling him about Baron and Rya.
“Do you think we should adopt Rya? To give her a home? She doesn’t have family, as Baron told me, and she can’t return to her homeland. The Bloodsilver would never come here for her, can we please adopt her Max?”
Max smiled. Why did his wife look so cute when she was pleading with him for something? “I guess we’re now a family of six.”
Ruby almost let out a shrill ‘eep!’ in excitement and joy, but remembered the sleeping children and Baron in time to stop herself.
Max held back a loud laugh, pulling his wife in for another kiss.
Which is worse? Angry cat Batman or Batman?
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)RAE THIS IS INCREDIBLE!!! I LOVE THIS SO MUCH!!!! YOU ARE AN INSANELY AMAZING AUTHORESS! Oh wow! This is so good! The characters, the world, the personalities, the dialogue, the description!!!!! I COULD GO ON FOREVER!!!!!!!!!
Wow, thanks.
I wasn’t expecting that enthuastic of a response.
Hopefully notifications work for you again, KP sometimes glitches that way.
Which is worse? Angry cat Batman or Batman?
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)Thank you for the critique! You gave me some very helpful feedback.
Just a couple things to address so you don’t have to keep wondering
The second and third sentences seem to imply that Max’s only non-human feature is that his eyes are full of emotion. That doesn’t seem like a necessarily inhuman trait. Do I understand correctly that that is being implied?
Sorry about the confusion.
In my world, saying that someone has elven eyes means that their eyes are beautiful, expressive, alive. It’s basically a compliment. I’m sorry that I didn’t explain this well.
(btw why does the moon coming out mean that they’re necessarily going to be attacked?)
Oh dear, I guess I must have gotten rid of the sentence that explained this by accident. Oops.
The Silver Streak only strikes when the moon is up, and he never strikes on a Bandit’s moon or Full moon.
“Faren!” The Streak cried out suddenly.
He was calling to Faren to help him.
Sorry that that wasn’t clear.
Another tear broke free from his lids.
I guess I must get rid of this sentence or use more sentences to explain it. Baron has his eyes partially closed, so the tear would have to slip between his eyelids.
this part of the story needs to be rewritten anyways.
Which is worse? Angry cat Batman or Batman?
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)You’re welcome!
Ah, ok thanks for the explanations 👍
A disturbingly short time ago, in a land uncomfortably close by...
LOVE IT!!
If Max and his family get hurt because if Rya…………. I’m not going to like you very much.
I really love how this story is going!!! It’s so, so good!
btw, one thing I noticed was Ruby started calling the girl by name while talking to Baron, but he never said her name. So, either that was a glitch on your end, or she saw the name when she read some of his past, in which case you should tell that to the reader by having Max or baron surprised that she knows her name. If that makes sense.
Otherwise this was awesome! Keep up the amazing work!
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
Thank you for pointing that out.
I’ll post the next story hopefully later today
Which is worse? Angry cat Batman or Batman?
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)*excited clapping*
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
@ellette-giselle Here you go.
@keilah-h @highcribeofaethumFourth story!
Brutus
I am a hideous monster. I have taken so many lives, caused so much pain. And why? Why did I do it all? To please Father. To feel like I belonged and had purpose. That I was worth something. My true parents abandoned me, Father took me in. I had to prove to him that his decision to take me under wing was never a mistake and somewhere along the line, I lost my humanity and enjoyed the deaths of my numerous victims. I loved the soft light of the moon, glistening silver off of my blade and my hair. I loved the feel of Lady Wind blowing about me, with her sweet caresses. I loved to control her, I loved to use her to speed forward, and let the blade slice across my victims’ neck. I loved the feeling of being unstoppable. Until Max fought me, I was unbeaten. No one survived me.
But then that all came crashing down with those five simple words, spoken by the most innocent of creatures: ‘You’re a hero, aren’t you?’
No! No, I’m not! I’m a monster! I love to kill, I love to hunt people! I am the worst type of monster! I deserve to die in a ditch somewhere, but I must cling to life a little longer. Maybe, maybe I can repay a small fraction of what I’ve done, oh, such a small fraction! By being the hero she thought I was. Maybe if I helped others, I can die with a small sense that I tried my best to wash the blood from my hands. Maybe I can die feeling as though I was a hero, for a small time, in a small way.
I feel this wound on my neck. It pains me still. It was the price I paid for helping that little girl who asked if I was a hero. A small price for what my actions could have done to her! Who knows what Father would have done with her power in his fist! Turn her into an assassin like me? Turn her into a monster?
The terrible things Father has done, and I sat by and watched without lifting a finger! Worse, I participated, with eager even.
Some could try to advocate for me. They could say that because I was only a toddler when the Bloodsilver took me in, that I was brainwashed. But as an adult, fully aware, I still killed! And even if I was brainwashed, does that really matter? I still took lives, I still tore families apart, I still caused so much pain.
I am a terrible person. I have no right to even live anymore, but I will still try to make the little amends I can, by helping people. Helping lives instead of taking them.
I will change my life, I will make the end of my time worth living. As a sign of my change, I will call myself Brutus. Brutus will be the new me, the one who helps others instead of hurts them. The one who sacrifices himself for others, instead of others for himself. The man who tries to make up for what he has done, but knows he never can. That is who I will become.
That is what I must become.
Then I can die the death I deserve. Then I can make my journey into the depths of hell.
Which is worse? Angry cat Batman or Batman?
#AnduthForever (hopefully 💕)Ooooooo!!! CHILLS! I love it so much!!!! I sense a redemption story and those are my favorite!!!
Man is born for the fight, to be forged and molded into a sharper, finer, stronger image of God
@rae wow.
just wow.
Amazing! I love redemption arcs too, and this short story is a good setup!
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
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