song lyrics critic and ideas for next verse

[Folith-Feolin]

I couldn’t decide if this went in music or poetry critics so I put it in both

I like listening to lyrical fantasy music mostly Clamavi de Profundis and Peter Hollens. It occasionally has inspired me to try to write my own song or two for my fictional world of Kavaria. I recently (literally during an earthquake and evacuation drill wrote this Anim Travelling song today. I would like to know if you guys have any critics or ideas for future verses (I’m thinking it will have 32 – 64 lines that way it takes me around 1.8 – 3.5 minutes to sing the whole thing). I can also explain any lore about the song if that is needed Here is the song

 

Anim Traveling Song

Gather your lamp
Grab your sword
Through the Warhlam
Start we ford
Leave now this place
By which
We used to live
To live
Follow the path
Through mighty gale
Sit by the fire
Tell stories and Ale
Strike up a a song
To push back the
Coldness of night
Of night

I will give you updates if I do any more work on it or come up with any other songs. I might also attach an audio file of me trying to sing it.

But I have to do work now Flat Fredrick William I here I come!

[Ava Blue]

OOH! I’m loving the imagery, and I would LOOVE to hear it if you ever finish this or any other music!! The only thing I might change is this:

To push back the
Coldness of night

to this:

To push back
The cold of night

This is just because of syllables, but because I obviously don’t know the tune, I could be wrong and this might fit. Oh, and I was curious, what’s the Warhlam? 😀

that a northern wind
would cool my skin
and fill my lungs again

[Folith-Feolin]

@ava-blue

Thanks for the suggestion!

The warhlam is a dark purple mist that slowly sucks the life force out of things it touches. The characters of Kavaria have multiple ways of protecting themselves from the warhlam one of which is warhlam lamps which I sort of mention in the first line of the song

[Folith-Feolin]

Okay here is a link to google drive where I put a recorded version of me trying to sing the song. (I used voice memos and  then converted it to an mp3 so quality isn’t that good. I felt like I sang a bit to low)

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1JMHac1KWnc0E1ggnFkQanXdH_hubsx08/view?usp=sharing

[Kathleen]

@folith-feolin

Woah, this is awesome! I love the rhythm and the adventure-esc feeling to it.

The only suggestion I would have is to add some more specific details about your world or characters in the song. Like something that shows that this poem could only be written in this world, or by these characters. Like lyrics about a specific event, person, or cultural tradition that only exists in that world.

I love songs and poems that use small details to create meaning, feeling and depth. Makes them feel more special and intimate. They also tend to be more memorable. It’s also cool when those small details end up tying into something bigger by the end, like a grand metaphor, theme, or epiphany… but that takes some major skill. A skill that I as just a baby poet am still very much working on, haha.

Out of curiosity, do you play any instruments? I could see these lyrics going well to some guitar strums or piano.

[Folith-Feolin]

@kathleenramm

Thanks I will have to think about that. I do not actually play any instruments but I do sing regularly (I’m in a decent amount of musicals) I did also think about it going with a guitar though. I also want to add more verses but I’m having trouble coming up with them (also funny story I literally made the verses of the song that I currently have during an evacuation drill at my school.)

[Light]

@folith-feolin

Whoa this is so good!! I like the kind of low haunting melody that you sang it in. Also u have a very good voice! Yes, I agree with @kathleenramm, I think it would sound really good with Guitar.

#HugRikerSquad

[Author]

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