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Hi guys! @daeus @kate-flournoy @that_writer_girl_99 @ethryndal @aratrea @rolena-hatfield @f5a8c3e9 @hope @perfectfifths @winter-rose @jess @emma-flournoy @northerner @overcomer @anyone else
So, I working on a short story mystery for a contest due this month, and I was wondering if you all could critique this for me. It’s 970 words or so, and can’t be more than 1000. Let me know of anything that stands out to you as grammatically wrong, plot holes or as a general rule, something that’d not help me win. 😛 Thanks!
The Light in the Night By Dragon Snapper
There was a certain horror to what I saw that night. It wasn’t supposed to be there, much less flickering like the eyes of an angry teacher.
“Daniel!” My brother, Jack exclaimed, just as perplexed.
“I see it,” I whispered. It was Cinderella hour, the clock veering on the edge of midnight, and as we gazed from our eastern window, a light, pale and unnatural, glared from the abandoned house. It had been vacant for decades, so why were the lights in the house on?
“Do you think it’s a ghost?” Jack offered.
“No.”
“Thieves?”
“No.” It couldn’t be that. There were no cars in the driveway.
“Then what?”
I didn’t answer; my mind was racing. Considering the hour, our parents would be asleep, and besides, if we were careful, they wouldn’t discover our getaway.
“Not sure.” This time I broke my gaze from the eeriness, stumbling to tie my shoes. I found my flashlight, pronouncing, “Let’s go.”
—-
Against the stars, the house lay before us, a statue of stillness. A decade of disrepair blazed a trail throughout the entire property. Grass tickled my sides. The obscurity of it all pumped my blood for adventure.
As we advanced, the light brightened, our home now a hundred yards away. The fact was vibrant in my mind, and my toes prepared to bolt at the slightest notice.
Finally, my feet balanced on the shattered timbers of the front deck. Daniel shivered next to me. At first I regretted bringing him along, but at least this way I had someone to watch my back. Hopefully, that wouldn’t be necessary.
“Jack,” my voice was no more than an undertone, “I’m going in.”
There was no reply from him, and I expected none. I could barely swallow. I rested my hand on the rusted doorknob. To my shock, it twisted without much protest. The door widening its mouth, the throat of darkness swallowed me.
For a while, I trekked about the house with a whisper of guilt trickling into my head. However, I knew that if there was indeed a problem, then I needed to be on the edges of my rubber-soled shoes. I had my brother to take care of too.
Presently, we found ourselves pulled to the light. The room was adjacent to a den, and there was only a four-foot wide passage to it. Fear, or maybe just common sense, taught me to sidle against the wall and peer my nose out first.
Lit by a dangling lightbulb, the room was massacred. The ceiling itself was cracked, beginning from the base of the light fixture and to the rest of the tiles, sagging from water damage. In addition, the window was broken out, allowing a draft. The gray carpeting disappeared beneath the piles of straw, sticks and feathers. The emptiness was worse than a false note on a piano.
“Jack,” I hissed, my eyes transfixed on the exit, “Leave everything alone.”
“Oops.”
“Jack!” When I pivoted, dismay screamed through my eyes, watching as Jack’s hand, holding a stick, scratched the bulb. Almost as soon as the words left my mouth, the lightbulb’s power was cut, and darkness began its eager grasp once again. Fingers, soft and wispy, stroked my hair and I let out a scream, “Run!”
I obeyed my own orders.
—-
“Daniel.”
Buried beneath my covers the next night, I was silently vowing to myself never to follow strange lights again, when Jack was at my side. I should have expected as such. “What?”
“Can we go back? The lights are on again.”
“Never.”
“Are you scared?”
“Petrified.”
“Please? I won’t be able to sleep ever again if I don’t find out what it is. Here are walkie-talkies, so you can go without worrying about me,” his voice was pleading, but not only that, it was shaky with interest.
After a rather exaggerated sigh, I laced up my shoes, “Honestly, Jack. I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again.”
—-
“I’m in the room now,” I gasped into the walkie. Somehow, my nine-year-old brother had convinced me to return here, again to where the light shone bright, dangling from its place in the ceiling. “Everything’s as it was yesterday.” No footprints or anything in the debris.
I ventured further into the room, wiping the sweat off my hands and to my jeans. There was nothing remarkable about the bulb. Instead of further investigating the lightbulb, I aimed my flashlight up to the serpentine crack originating from the conduit.
CHIRP.
My muscles braced, jaw tightening painfully. What was that? Again, I glanced the light up into the crevice, and in the gap, I saw nothing but twigs. Tall as I was, I dared to poke the jumble of sticks, but no sooner than I did the bulb cut off and my face was bombarded from every angle.
My scream was gut-wrenching, and this time I ripped the hands from my hair. Nails scratched my cheeks, galvanizing me this time to run.
—-
Outside, I dashed over to Jack. When he heard my thumping feet, he aimed his beams over to me. I winced at the rays, but his concerned glance overruled the pain. “Your face is all cut!” Then, his face screwed. “Why are there feathers in your hair?”
“What?”
Indeed, my hair was riddled with feathers, and astronomical realization punched my gut.
“Birds,” I winced at its simplicity, “Birds turn on the lights in the house, because their nest disconnects and connects the electrical wires!”
Jack’s mouth twisted, “Would’ve been nice to know that last night.”
I laughed, my mind now free. “Let’s go home!”
As we walked back, Jack said, rather casually, “I saw lights from the burned down home while you were gone.”
“No. You didn’t,” was my only response.☀ ☀ ☀ ENFP ☀ ☀ ☀
@f5a8c3e92 (sorry, just trying to tag you. 😛 )
Nuts. Did I really type the title as Shorty?
@daeus Are you able to make it ‘Short Story-Mystery’ ? 😛-
This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by
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This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by .
☀ ☀ ☀ ENFP ☀ ☀ ☀
Wow! This is actually pretty neat, Snapper!
Admittedly, I didn’t know what was going on for the first part of the story, but the final paragraphs really tied everything together. Birds. I LOL-ed.
I like the different forms of alliteration here. Your descriptions were very crisp and clear; I could easily visualize what was happening.
I don’t think there’s anything else…I was a little confused while I was first reading it, but like I said, I understood what had happened when it reached the end. Good job!
Writer. Dreamer. Sometimes blogger. MBTI mess. Lover of Jesus and books.
@that_writer_girl_99 What about the beginning confused you? What do you think could be done to make it more clear?
☀ ☀ ☀ ENFP ☀ ☀ ☀
Well, to be honest, I didn’t know what was happening. It seemed rather vague. I wasn’t sure why the two boys were outside their house, or why they were afraid of going back in.
Maybe, since you have a few words left, you could tweak it a bit to explain what’s going on? @dragon-snapper
Writer. Dreamer. Sometimes blogger. MBTI mess. Lover of Jesus and books.
Well, first of at, @dragon-snapper, I have to warn you, you have tagged one of the most picky proof-readers/editors I know – me! So, yeah, it’s only because I want to help make your work the bestistest you can make it. Forewarning, now for some edits 😉
“Daniel!” My brother, Jack exclaimed, just as perplexed. Make the ;m’ in ‘my’ lowercase – that’s proper for dialogue tags
“No.” It couldn’t be that. There were no cars in the driveway. While this is a legitimate reason to assume it’s not thieves, thieves wouldn’t necessarily bring a car to where they were going to break in, would they? You don’t have to change it, but I’m just pointing it out in case you do want to.
In the second part, after the paragraph break, did you swap POV? Because in the first part, Jack was the “my brother” and “I” was Daniel, but in the second part, Daniel is the “my brother” and Jack was the “I.” I hope that made sense 😛 Anyway, it’s probably better to stay in one POV with a story like this, because I feel reader will get confused otherwise. And if it wasn’t intentional, that need to be edited 😉 *two minutes later* Having read further, I noticed you again made the brother who’s POV it isn’t be Jack, so I’m guessing the earlier place where it was Daniel was unintentional.
The emptiness was worse than a false note on a piano. Wow, I love this term! What a great way to describe it, and as a violinist, I can appreciate how bad a false note is – piano or otherwise 😉
That was great, Snapper! It was a well-paced plot which ended resolved and all under the word limit – a very impressive job! 😀 I hope my edits will be helpful – they’re more suggestions, I guess, than actual changes you should make, but I find suggestions just as helpful 🙂 Good luck in the contest! I know how nerve-wracking it can be 😉
Currently reading Les Miserables
@dragon-snapper That’s so exciting that you’re entering a contest!
I liked taking this little adventure with Daniel and Jack. Your descriptions are clever 🙂The one part I was confused by…
“For a while, I trekked about the house with a whisper of guilt trickling into my head. However, I knew that if there was indeed a problem,…”
I guess I’m unsure why he’s feeling guilty here. Unless it’s because he’s trespassing.
When I first read over it I automatically inserted the word regret where you have guilt, because I thought maybe that was what you meant. But maybe it wasn’t what you intended.Good luck with the contest!
https://rolenahatfield.com/
@dragon-snapper I’m always going to call them Shorty Stories from now on. XD
Now. The first few paragraphs, though I didn’t really find confusing, needed a little more development. They’re just sitting by the window at midnight?! How about you make mention that Jack had woken Daniel up or something? Also, it seems like you had trouble remembering which brother is the MC.
“Thieves?”
“No.” It couldn’t be that. There were no cars in the driveway.Why would a thief pull into the driveway? I mean, covert operation and all… And what would they have to steal from an abandoned house anyway?
I had my brother to take care of too.
I would omit the ‘too’.
His voice was pleading, but not only that, it was shaky with interest.
This is just one example of several sentences that I feel like have too many words. I hate short, choppy sentences, but too many long ones can slow a story down.
Somehow, my nine-year-old brother had convinced me to return here, again to where the light shone bright, dangling from its place in the ceiling.
Considering we just learned this the paragraph before, I would cut this sentence down a bit. Instead, focus primarily on his incredulity—Why was he doing this? AGAIN?
Instead of further investigating the lightbulb, I aimed my flashlight up to the serpentine crack originating from the conduit.
I’d omit ‘Instead of further investigating the lightbulb’. Once again, it bulks the sentence up.
So this is what I noticed right off the bat. Over all, I’d say very good. I love your descriptions—“Flickering like the eyes of an angry teacher”—that’s just wonderful. Good job and good luck!
PS. I hope you’ll keep us posted on how you do. 🙂INTJ ➸Your friendly neighborhood mastermind. ➸https://thesarcasticelf.wordpress.com/
Ok… so I’ve not read it yet because I’m at a creation conference. I might get to it later on. But… I wanted to share this. XD
INTJ - Inhumane. No-feelings. Terrible. Judgment and doom on everyone.
@that_writer_girl_99 Thank you for the input. I shall see what I can do. *alright words. You are at my command, so why don’t you do something*
@perfectfifths Oh goody! I need picky people. 😛 Thanks for the edits! I need them all!
@rolena-hatfield Hmm…I see what you mean. *note to self for future reference*
@ethryndal Shorty Stories… Ah, typos can become new phrases in themselves can’t they? 😛 And thank you, all good stuff. I’ll keep you posted. I’ll know by the end of this month.
@hope *nods sagaciously* This Knight speaks the truth. XD☀ ☀ ☀ ENFP ☀ ☀ ☀
- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1486
@dragon-snapper Do you still desire critiques? I read it but haven’t gotten around to the critiquing part. 🙂
@winter-rose Yep. Still taking as much criticism as I can get. 😛
☀ ☀ ☀ ENFP ☀ ☀ ☀
Hi guys! The story is due in a few days, (the 16th), though I want to turn it in by tomorrow. 😛 Anything I’m missing from this revised draft? (The editors said I should work more on character, so if you see anything that might be able to make it deeper, let me know.) Thanks!
@daeus @kate-flournoy @rolena-hatfield @perfectfifths @winter-rose @ethryndal @that_writer_girl_99The Light in the Night
There was a certain horror to what I saw that night. It wasn’t supposed to be there, much less flickering like the eyes of an angry teacher.
Several high school history papers fluttered to my bare feet as I sprang from the desk.
“Daniel?” my younger brother Jack mumbled as he crawled out of bed and stood beside me. “What’s wrong?”
I pointed at the abandoned house.
It was Cinderella hour, the clock veering on the edge of midnight, and as we gazed from our bedroom window, a light, pale and unnatural, glared from the abandoned house. It had been vacant for decades, so why were the lights in the house on?
“Is it a ghost?” Jack offered.
“No.” My fingers tapped the edge of my desk.
“Thieves?”
“No.” It couldn’t be that. The house had nothing of value. Then again, hardly any houses in our neighborhood did. Several were vacant.
“Then what?”
I didn’t answer. What on earth was going on?
Answers flooded my mind as I picked up my papers, but I discounted them all. Each were impossible. Again, I peeked at the house. I couldn’t avert my eyes.
As if compelled by gravity, I tied my shoelaces, “I’m going to go have a look around.”
Jack slipped on his boots, teddy bear tucked beneath his arm, and snatched my sweaty hand, “Let’s go.”
—-
Against the stars, the abandoned house lay before us, a statue of stillness. A decade of disrepair blazed a trail throughout the entire property. Grass tickled my sides. The obscurity of it all pumped my blood for adventure.
As we advanced, the light brightened, our home now a hundred yards away. The fact was vibrant in my mind, and my feet prepared to bolt at the slightest notice.
Finally, my feet balanced on the shattered timbers of the front deck. Jack shivered next to me. At first I regretted bringing him along, but at least this way I had someone to watch my back. Hopefully, that wouldn’t be necessary.
“Jack, stay close to me.”
There was no reply from him, and I expected none. I could barely swallow. I rested my hand on the rusted doorknob. To my shock, it twisted without much protest. The door widened its mouth, and the throat of darkness swallowed me.
For a while, I trekked about the house with a whisper of regret trickling into my head. I wasn’t supposed to be here. The thought kept me on the edge of my rubber-soled shoes.
Presently, we found ourselves pulled to the light. The room was adjacent to a den, and there was only a four-foot wide passage to it. Fear, or maybe just common sense, taught me to sidle against the wall and peer my nose out first.
Lit by a dangling lightbulb, the room was massacred. The ceiling itself was cracked, beginning from the base of the light fixture and to the rest of the tiles, sagging from water damage. In addition, the window was broken out, allowing a draft. The gray carpeting disappeared beneath the piles of straw, sticks and feathers. The emptiness was worse than a false note on a piano.
“Jack,” I hissed, my eyes transfixed on the exit, “Leave everything alone.”
“Oops.”
“Jack!” When I pivoted, dismay screamed through my eyes, watching as Jack’s hand, holding a stick, scratched the bulb. Almost as soon as the words left my mouth, the lightbulb’s power was cut, and darkness began its eager grasp once again. Fingers, soft and wispy, stroked my hair and I let out a scream, “Run!”
I obeyed my own orders.
—-
“Daniel.”
Buried beneath my covers the next night, I was silently vowing to myself never to follow strange lights again, when Jack was at my side. I should have expected as such. “What?” I grumbled.
“Can we go back? The lights are on again.”
“Never.”
“Are you scared?” he leaned on my mattress, spider-like fingers sprawling.
“Petrified.”
“Please? I won’t be able to sleep ever again if I don’t find out what it is.” His voice was pleading, but not only that, it was shaky with interest.
After a rather exaggerated sigh, I tip-toed into the hallway, “Honestly, Jack. I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again.”
—-
Somehow, my nine-year-old brother had convinced me to return here, the room same as before. “Everything’s as it was yesterday,” I muttered to myself. No footprints or anything in the debris.
I ventured further into the room, wiping the sweat off my hands and to my jeans. There was nothing remarkable about the bulb. I aimed my flashlight up to the serpentine crack originating from the conduit.
CHIRP.
My muscles braced, jaw tightening painfully. What was that? Again, I glanced the light up into the crevice, and in the gap, I saw nothing but twigs. Tall as I was, I dared to poke the jumble of sticks, but no sooner than I did the bulb cut off and my face was bombarded from every angle.
My scream was gut-wrenching, and this time I ripped the hands from my hair. Nails scratched my cheeks, galvanizing me to run.
Outside, I dashed over to Jack. When he heard my thumping feet, he aimed his beams over to me. I winced at the rays, but his concerned glance overruled the pain. “Your face is all cut!”
I was beginning to think that his theory about ghosts was possible.
Then, his face screwed. “Why are there feathers in your hair?”
“What?”
Indeed, my hair was riddled with feathers, and astronomical realization punched my gut.
“Birds,” I winced at its simplicity, “Birds turn on the lights in the house, because their nest disconnects and connects the electrical wires!”
Jack’s mouth twisted, “Would’ve been nice to know that last night.”
I laughed, my mind now free. “Let’s go home!”
As we walked back, Jack said, rather casually, “I saw lights from the condemned house down the street while you were gone.”
“No. You didn’t,” was my only response.☀ ☀ ☀ ENFP ☀ ☀ ☀
@dragon-snapper That was great! I think adding that new paragraph at the beginning was a good idea, because a few people mentioned they were confused at the beginning. Great job! I didn’t notice anything that might need editing 🙂
Currently reading Les Miserables
- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1486
@dragon-snapper Nice work! I love the diverse vocabulary you use. The things I point out below are really just a few suggestions that probably don’t matter much.
The house had nothing of value. (use a stronger word than “had”)
Answers flooded my mind as I picked up my papers, but I discounted them all. (the answers or the papers? And what are the answers he’s thinking of?)
Against the stars, the abandoned house lay before us, a statue of stillness. (The order of this sentence is a little strange to me.)
…our home now a hundred yards away. (which direction was the home away? Was it behind them?)
…my feet prepared to bolt at the slightest notice. Finally, my feet balanced on the shattered timbers of the front deck. (Are only his feet are going to bolt? Are only his feet on the deck? Floating body part)
The door widened its mouth, and the throat of darkness swallowed me. (Did the MC step into the throat of darkness then?)
…taught me to sidle against the wall and peer my nose out first. (taught him previously or told him now?)
…and to the rest of the tiles, (I’m a bit confused at this part. Does the crack extend though the rest of the tiles?)…my eyes transfixed on the exit, (aren’t they still in the doorway? or did they enter the room?)
“Jack!” When I pivoted, dismay screamed through my eyes, (I’m a bit confused here. How does dismay scream through eyes?)
…Almost as soon as the words left my mouth, (This seems a bit delayed since it’s not immediately after the words)
…and darkness began its eager grasp once again. (Grasp on what?)
I obeyed my own orders. (feels like an abrupt ending without a transition. Might just be me.)
Buried beneath my covers the next night, I was silently vowing to myself never to follow strange lights again, when Jack was at my side. (Specific thoughts)
“Are you scared?” he leaned on my mattress, spider-like fingers sprawling. (spider-like fingers make me think of something evil)
After a rather exaggerated sigh, I tip-toed into the hallway, (This is a bit of a jump from being in bed)Somehow, my nine-year-old brother had convinced me to return here, the room same as before. “Everything’s as it was yesterday,” (repetitive with both thinking the room is the same and saying it)
…wiping the sweat off my hands and to my jeans. (could condense)
I winced at the rays, but his concerned glance overruled the pain. (How can a glance overrule the pain? Did it take the MC’s attention away from the bright light?)
I was beginning to think that his theory about ghosts was possible. (Specific thoughts)
“Birds,” I winced at its simplicity, “Birds turn on the lights in the house, because their nest disconnects and connects the electrical wires!” (It sounds like he’s a bit too sure. How can he know this for certain?)
My only suggestion on character is to specifically divulge your characters thoughts instead of just summarizing them. Also, I love the cool words you use to describe the MC’s surroundings, but they make your MC seem like a formal person (if he’s a formal character, then that’s perfectly fine. 🙂
Love it Snapper! Keep up the good work (also, good luck with the contest!)
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