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Howdy again, would you awesome fellow writers mind critiquing this for me? Thank y’all!:)
“Don’t touch the test subjects.” The chilling voice cut through my thoughts and I immediately turned away from the bars of the cage. The guide, a tall, grey haired man wearing a long white lab coat stared down his rat-like nose at me. “Did you not read the warning sign?”
Of course I’d read the sign, while listening to the boring receptionist drone on and on about randomness to my class of about 15 college students, all from different colleges, but all interested in biomedical science.Stay with the tour guide.
Don’t touch the test subjects.
Don’t enter the restricted areas.
Don’t tell anyone what you see or hear during your visit.That last one perked up my ears and I’d glanced over at Mal, who’s dark brown eyes looked like they were glazing over behind his glasses.
“You hear that Mal?” I hissed, poking him in the ribs with my pen cap.
He didn’t move. He was one of those weird trance-thingies he’d go into when her was bored. He called it “organizing his mind palace”. I called it him being a freak.I poked him again, a little harder, and he still didn’t respond to me.
I rolled my eyes, uncapped my pen, and jabbed him in the ribs.Mal jolted out of his reverie, and pressed his palm to his side. “What in the world?” He hissed angrily, glancing over the other student heads to make sure the boring receptionist didn’t hear him. “What was that for?”
“Shhh.” I hissed back at him. “Did you hear that last one?”
“Yeah. What was it again?”
“Don’t tell anyone what you see or hear during your visit. Doesn’t that sound creepy?”
“Sure, Conner, it is a government laboratory. I’m sure they have lots of top secret things here.”
“Yeah, like aliens.”
Mal rolled his eyes. He never hid his disdain for my alien theories. “Sure, Conner, like aliens.” He’d scoffed.
But now I poked him again, drawing his attention away from the air locked door that he was studying.
“Mal. Mal.”
“What?” He turned on me.
“Look at this rat!” I pointed at the top left cage along the wall, my nose wrinkled in disgust.Mal peered into the cage then recoiled, “What on earth is that?!” He looked totally grossed out.
“I don’t know, I think it’s got a tumor or something.” I peered in the cage again, looking at the swollen mass that covered the rat’s left eye and cheek. “That’s ugly.” I shuddered.
Mal shrugged. “Science.”
As if that was an excuse. Sure.
I looked down the hall. “Mal, we lost our class.”
“We’ll find them.” Mal said with another one of his careless shrugs.
“I hope we do. We’re already breaking a rule and it’s only been –“ I checked my watch
“- Fifteen minutes.”“We’re about to break another rule.” Mal typed in a code on the keypad by the door. The air lock slid open.
“MAL.” I hissed at him, staring at the open door.
“What?” He walked in. “You coming?”
I stared for a moment longer, then followed Mal. I didn’t want to be left alone in this freaky place.
I saw the scheming smirk on Mal’s face and sighed. This would be just like that time in 4th grade when we visited the Wonka Nerds factory.
But, those candies we retrieved from the reject bins sure were tasty. I could only hope that his newest plan would end just as harmlessly.
Just to save myself from being taking too much time on this, I’m going to be very to the point and un-personal. I hope you don’t mind.
the boring receptionist drone on and on about randomness
I got confused because I thought the receptionist actually was a drone.
15 college students, all from different colleges, but all interested in biomedical science.
Instead of trailing this sentence on with, “, all from different colleges, but …”, just start a new sentence. “Fifteen college students. We were all from different colleges, but we were interested in biomedical science.”
He was one of those weird trance-thingies
“He was in one of those…”
I called it him being a freak.
Delete “him”
As if that was an excuse. Sure.
Doesn’t sound quite right. I would say, “I wasn’t convinced.” I would also put sure in quotation marks as if he/she were saying that.
But, those candies we retrieved from the reject bins sure were tasty. I could only hope that his newest plan would end just as harmlessly.
The “but” is in the wrong place. Should be something more like, “Those candies we retrieved from the reject bins sure were tasty, but I wasn’t sure that this new plan would end just as harmlessly. I could only hope.”
Well, there you go. Pretty good over all, just some stuff that needed rephrasing.
🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢
Thank you @Daeus :)!!
Well, I like this. Overall it’s very good. 😀
Daeus got most of it, but I just wanted say I was a little confused about when Connor starts talking to Mal. First we see Connor talking to the guide, and are taken back to when Connor had been listening to the boring receptionist. Then we have
That last one perked up my ears and I’d glanced over at Mal, who’s dark brown eyes looked like they were glazing over behind his glasses.
Are we still where Connor was listening to the receptionist? Or is this after Connor had been confronted by the tour guide? I’m confused.
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