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hey guys! mind taking a look at this scene and telling me what you think? Thank y’all!!
:Else where, another wolf was also under going surgery. Sturm. Her face was half covered by a mask and her body was underneath surgical drapes. Several doctors came and went as they worked to stitch the last bits of Stürm’s torn skin together. Near the door, stood a woman with short black hair. She watched the chaos calmly. She knew the wolf would live.
In a chair near the door sat Dr. Ash. His calm wise face was twisted in anguish as he watched the surgery. His hands were cuffed behind him and two men stood beside him. The men tried to hide their black eyes and bruises, but everyone saw them. Even though the old werewolf was burnt-out, he could still fight.
“That really was a foolish choice, Dr. Ash.” Dr. Cooms said looking over at him. “Thinking you could help that poor wolf.”
“Helping is never a poor choice.” Dr. Ash looked up sadly.
“You betrayed yourself as well as the two wolves.” Dr. Cooms said accusingly. “I’d think that was foolish.”Dr. Ash looked away. His heart was torn. “I only wanted to help.” He whispered. He began to weep. “I only wanted to help.”
Dr. Cooms looked satisfied as the older man wept softly. Then the door opened and a tall man with short brown hair and cold blue eyes that focused intensely on Stürm’s still body. Dr. Cooms turned to face him.“Dr. Jones.” She nodded a greeting with a curt smile.
“Hello.” He smiled a predatory smile, then turned again toward the still form as the doctors finished and the nurses started bandaging her. “So, Lily Taylor has finally been caught.” He chuckled.
“Yes.” Marcela nodded walking up beside the bed. “You know the cost for a werewolf, especially a prime subject like her. I could get several thousand for her from the pit fighters.”
He scoffed. “You know I pay full price and I’m willing to take both were’s off your hands. Lily and this Dr. Ash.” He turned to inspect the older wolf. “I think a doctor like him would be an indispensable addition to my program.”
Dr. Ash lifted his head and his sorrowful, but fiery eyes met Dr. Jones’. “I will never work for you.” He stated firmly.
Dr. Cooms looked surprised, “You would want both?”
Jones nodded. “Certainly. I believe having a werewolf that is also a doctor could be of great assistance in my experiments. And I’m sure he may know a good deal of werewolf medicine that’s a secret to the rest of the world.”
Dr. Ash glowered. “I will not help you in your hellish experiments!”
Dr. Jones laughed. “I’m not asking you, wolf, you belong to me now.”
Dr. Ash continued glaring. “I will never ‘belong’ to anyone. I am just as much human as you are.”
Dr. Jones sneered. “You are an animal. A low, dumb, base animal.” He spitted. “You werewolves may look like humans at times, but there is nothing human in you.”
“The animal is anyone who treats a fellow human as you scientists do. Werewolves are not the animals.”
Jones shook his head with a laughing expression, he turned to Dr. Cooms. “10000 for Lily and 6 for the male.”
“7 for the male.” She responded.
“6500.”
She thought a moment. “Deal.”
They shook hands. “I’ll transfer the money immediately.” Dr. Jones told her.
This sounds like a very unique setting with even a possibility for a thriller if you wanted to do that. As far as keeping your reader interested, this story does a great job. What I think mainly needs improvement is characterization. The characters are only at half death. We can make bonds with them, but not very strong ones. I also had a hard time visualizing the characters. It is highly important that your reader be able to visualize things. As a side note on doctor Jones, such a person would have to have a really weak personality to cry like he did. I suggest you show him having a stronger personality, though fully compassionate like you show elsewhere. Compassion is not synonymous with tearful.
Other than that, all I really saw was a bit of sloppiness which seemed more like a hastiness to keep writing the story you love than any actually disability to write things with care. I think a few passes of editing will remove all those rough edges and get you caught up to what you actually intended to write.
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Ok thank you:) Yeah, i was kind of rushing when writing this.
I often have trouble with description, do you have any tips?
Again, Thank youFor myself, I love to focus on facial expressions. The eyes, the mouth, the little wrinkle on the face, they all tell so much about how the character both acts and feels and this makes him/her unique.
I think if you tried to picture the scene in your head, you would see all sorts of details you didn’t mention in your story. If you included them all, you would have an info overload, but if you just placed in some of the most important things, you would help you reader see the very specific character qualities your character possesses. It is actually very hard to “tell” what a character is like and have the reader get it. If you do a good job “showing” what the character is like, they will fall in love with him.
Just think about what makes your character distinct. Is he serious, wimpy, cynical, a goof off, bitter, snarky? Whatever you can show your reader that will give them that idea is good. If your character is wimpy, it is important that he tries to leave the room when anything dangerous is mentioned. It is important that he speaks as if he were really something. It is important that he backs away from people’s eyes and makes crazy jokes to cover up for it.
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@Little Brown Dog – I am concerned about the content of this scene. Does this bring glory to God? Will it draw your readers to Him? In reality, supernatural power can only come from two sources: God, and Satan. Any person or creature that derives supernatural power from a source other than God is evil. I believe it is dangerous to present, even in fiction, the idea that a creature like a werewolf, that has supernatural power apart from God, is good.
Also, God created man in His own image. He didn’t design or intend for people to be able to take on the form of an animal. You may not be aware of this, but people in the occult are able to do this through witchcraft. It is a very dark, evil practice. That is why it is so dangerous to portray a werewolf as good, even in a fantasy world. Here in the real world, they are evil. Your readers live in the real world. Reading or writing about werewolves can open a door in a person’s life to demonic attacks, because real werewolves are demonic.
Think about it; which kingdom are we exalting when we glorify werewolves? God’s kingdom? Or Satan’s kingdom? Are we just trying to entertain our readers? Or are we trying to lead them to our King? This kind of entertainment is poisonous, and it will only pull readers farther from the light.
You have talent. I want to encourage you to use it for Christ.@Sarah Hoven, my were’s are in the story granted their powers by God in order to fight demons and other evils that manage to invade the real world.
@sarah-h That is a good point about readers not being able to separate the real world from the fantasy world. If that happened, it could have some very bad effects. It does seem though that Little Brown Dog is doing a good job at forcing upon the reader the very sharp distinction between the real world and her world.
@howlingwolf along the lines of the whole morality thing, I thought it was really neat how you used werewolves to make the point, “The animal is anyone who treats a fellow human as you scientists do (With cruelty). Werewolves are not the animals.” This reminds really reminds me of the verse, “and do not think to say to yourselves, ‘We have Abraham as our father.’ For I say to you that God is able to raise up children to Abraham from these stones.”Perhaps to help enforce the fact that your werewolves are very very undemonic, you could give them a different name and abnormal qualities not usually associated with werewolves.
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I just want to mention too, @Sarah-h, that werewolves are not mentioned anywhere in the Bible, even though the Bible does contain descriptions of witchcraft and things connected with it that we need to be aware of.
I think if werewolves were real, the Bible would have mentioned them, so I don’t think you need to be concerned on that score.I think if werewolves were real, the Bible would have mentioned them
I don’t think so. The bible deals with witchcraft because it is the root evil. If it were to condemn all forms of witchcraft it would be unnecessarily long and disturbing.
For my part, I am happy to say that I have never had any interaction with werewolves, nor do I want to or even to learn about them. I must say though that if they did exist, it wouldn’t really surprise me at all. It would just be a strange expression of witchcraft (which is certainly out there).
I’m still holding for my position though that just because werewolves are definitely bad in real life, doesn’t mean that they can’t be used (with totally different characters) as good guys in a story with great affect. It will just take an overdosed amount of caution.
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Thank you for y’all input! @Daeus i was trying to figure out a new name for them and came up with Lupines, but i think i found that was already taken. Also, my Were’s don’t have what they call “Moon sickness” which in the story is the result of a were turning evil and thus losing control of their wolf/cat abilities. They refuse to take human life (even that of enemies) because they believe that would open the door to them becoming evil. Also, their whole purpose in life is to destroy demons.
do you think these are enough differences between my were’s and normal Werewolves?
I think it’s just the fact that they are called werewolves that will put someone off. ‘Werewolf’ has a very distinct association in everyone’s mind, and that association is very heavily evil.
I would encourage you to keep looking for a different name.I think these Were’ things open up an opportunity for a very unique and symbolic story.
Aside from giving them a new name, the only thing I think that could be a problem is people’s everyday association with the word wolf. It conjures some not so pretty stuff. I mean, let’s face it, wolves kill all sorts of things, big things, even humans sometimes. That is what they do and they do it whether they need food or not. If your Were’-s are anything but this, good creatures for the most part, you will want to make sure you break that image. You will want to show that these Were’-s have a very gentle appearance unless they have moon sickness or are engaged in combat. You will need to make them good in contrast to (not denying) their normal perception.
Though unfortunately wolves are being viewed as cute harmless creatures now a-days. You don’t want your Were’-s like that either.
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@Sarah Hoven, my were’s are in the story granted their powers by God in order to fight demons and other evils that manage to invade the real world.
@Little Brown Dog – Spiritual warfare is not fantasy. It’s real. If you are going to write about spiritual warfare, God’s power, demons, etc., you need to do it the right way. The God that we serve does not give power to werewolves. Ever. It doesn’t matter what name you call them. Demons are real, and God does not fight them using werewolves. God is not a story character. You can’t make Him do what you want Him to do. You can’t change His nature or make Him different from the way He is to suit your story. He is our Lord. He is our Creator. He is pure and holy. It is dangerous and wrong to change Him, to imply that He does something that He doesn’t do. He deserves our respect, and it’s not respectful to use Him or His power that way.
The origin of werewolves is evil. To use a simile from the Bible, they come from an evil tree. No matter how you change them, they will never be pure or right because they are the fruit of an evil tree. The Bible says, “Touch not the unclean (impure, demonic) thing.” (2 Corinthians 6:17 – Wherefore come out from among them (the world), and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you.) We are called to be a pure and holy people, separate from the world. We must have a higher standard. Although this isn’t your intention, demons will be attracted to this type of writing. If your readers accept your premise that there are good werewolves, (whatever you call them), that will open doors in their life for demons to attack and deceive them. That’s one of the ways Satan works. But we aren’t supposed to be working for Satan! We are supposed to be working for Christ! We have got to take this stuff more seriously. The supernatural is not something to play around with. It’s not okay to dabble in the occult. It’s not okay to ‘Christianize’ something demonic. It’s not okay to slap nice qualities on an evil creature, and call it good. The world needs the truth, not another lie. Writing like this blurs the line between evil and good.
If you are trying to write a novel about spiritual warfare, that shows the truth and exposes the evil, you need to write the truth. If, on the other hand, you just want to write a cool story about werewolves, that is your decision. I can only warn you that you are playing with fire.You can’t change His nature or make Him different from the way He is to suit your story.
I don’t think Little Brown Dog made any attempt to do this. In her story, as I understand, her god character possess the same attributes as God (or at least as near as a human writer can portray it). The only difference I see is that he chose to create different creatures than the real God.
And this leads into an idea I just had (for Little Brown Dog). How about before your story even begins, you tell your worlds creation story. Thus, before you even introduce your creatures, you can introduce the god who created them. You can show him in all the holiness of his nature and creating his ruling creature “very good” but giving them their morphing character (in fact, you could call them Morphs) in preparation for the evil that would enter the world. This would clearly establish that these creatures are meant for fighting evil (true evil, as we know it on earth).
Now back to Sarah. I was really struck by that passage you mentioned “touch not the unclean thing”. It also reminded me of the verse, “Do not call evil good”. Both of these are very pertinent to this topic. The question that remains is what about a werewolf is evil? Is it its name? Its ability to change its form? Or is it the fact that it can only exist by the total consumption of a pure (as in not pure) evil? I think it is the last option. If then we call a werewolf as we know it good, we sin most certainly. If however, we call something which has the ability to change its form good, it seems not necessarily wrong. To determine if it is wrong, we must examine the world such a creature exists in. If in that world the creature is good, than we merely state the truth. We are the arbitrators of our world so we can make a creature that can morph as surely as we can make a galaxy that doesn’t exist. What we can’t do is change the definitions of good and evil. I just don’t think Little Brown Dog is doing that.
As for spiritual attacks through literature, we certainly don’t want that! However, I am feeling more oppression in trying to sort out the truth in this matter than I ever had (I had none) while reading Little Brown Dog’s excerpt.
I hope this helps clarify things. For my part, I wish I had never had to think that there might be some connection between the weres of the above excerpt and real weres. I felt far more peaceful before I had to think about that. I hope you don’t mind me taking a break from this topic.
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Oh dear, i didn’t mean to set off a huge thing like this, but it would appear that Shifters are a touchy subject. I like your idea @daeus telling the creation story would be great! Do you think it would work better in the story though? Like one character explaining to another?
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