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Hi @elfwing!
I am not a very skilled writer compared to most, but I hope i can give you some pointers as I am familiar with emotional scenes (they’re one of my favorite scenes to write!).
This is a great scene, maybe have the first half tie into the second a little more by having Elenor say something like, “Alinna will be so happy! She thought you were dead.” or something roughtly along those lines so we can have a buildup to when the couple reunites as Kauron’s mind keeps wandering to her??? (Others could probably give you better tips on this 🙂 ) maybe he goes to look for her, or rushes to find her before seeing the rest of his family.
I have a few suggestions regarding the part of the scene where Kaunon and Alinna reunite:
- For the first paragraph where Alinna screeches, if this is in her character, then it’s alright, but bear in mind that there’s already been running and screeching, so this part loses some impact, and it makes me feel like Alinna’s a little immature, if that’s what you’re going for.
and the effect it had on Kaunon was worthy of recording forever; he jumped three feet in the air and turned with absolute shock on his face.
This breaks the narrative a bit, you could try something like:
At the sound of the familiar voice Kaunon jumped and jerked around in a battle stance. But at the sight of the familiar green eyes, (i randomly chose a description, but i don’t know if it’s accurate) His breath froze and he straightened, swallowing the lump in his throat he said, “A-Alinna?”
Alinna sobbed, “Kaunon!” and rushed to him.
- I could be making suggestions not in the character of your OC’s, so feel free to take or leave what I say. (and my little story suggestions are a far cry from excellent )
- About this part:
Kaunon’s face was a mix of joy and tears as he caught the blur of movement heading his way, he hugged her tight and wept, lifting her completely off the ground. The two stood in silence for a moment, and then sobs escaped Alinna as she clung to Kaunon. It seemed like she would never let go, and Kaunon didn’t want her to.
(It is a little confusing when you describe Alinna like this in the previous prargraph, because a reader has potential to not know what the ‘blur of movement’ is.)
Finally Alinna let go and stood in front of him, still sobbing with joy, hands on either side of his face, and then she squealed again and hugged him tight. He hugged her back, and then gently pulled her head back and kissed both her cheeks. She smiled at him and then sat down on the floor and cried.
Alinna was too busy crying to realize all the residents of the manor were watching their reunion. All these people were also confused by both parties’ reactions; no one had seen Kaunon cry, and Alinna was acting like she thought Kaunon had died.
Ayerna watched this with a smile on her face, remembering when she’d seen Kaunon meet Alinna.
- I am guessing you want Kaunon and Alinna’s emotions to be potent in this scene, you told me when Kaunon was weeping, which takes power away from the action, also, you uses the word “back” two times too close together, which can sound a little repetitive. I recommend doing something of the following:
Kaunon clutched Alinna to him, trying to steady his tremoring body. He buried his face in her hair, whispering, “I thought I lost you.”
Alinna leaned back and cupped his damp cheeks in her hands. “Don’t lose me again.” she smiled through her onrush of tears and Kaunon kissed her cheeks. She began to sink to the floor, but he put his arms around her and wept on her neck.
Anyway, that’s what I’ve got for that part, and it’s purely a suggestion.
And, you may want to cut the sentence where we zoom out to the mother’s point of view, it seemed to interrupt the happy couple’s moment a bit.
Also, what social standing/age is Alinna? is she a servant? a duchess? Was this romance anticipated? Depending on her rank, it could affect the opinions of the surrounding characters, maybe there’s shocked muttering, gasps, or applause at their kiss.
and I gave you some suggestions for this part as well:
Alinna
was standing, looking dazed, she(You can suggest by her actions that she’s a little dazed) blinkedmutely and lookedat the many staring facesstaring at her, then at Kaunon, whosmiled andblushed, saying,sheepishly, face going red, “Well, they asked for it.“ he stroked one of her stray locks behind her ear, “So did you, with all that crying.”Alinna smiled shyly, and
thenstood beside him, her heart thumping, she slipped her hand into his,and face positively glowing.“I think I need a better one than that.”Kaunon smiled, then pressed his lips to hers.
leaned down and tenderly kissed her. Alina wrapped her arms around his neck and prolonged it a bit. Kaunonthendrew back, straightening again with a radiant smile that reached his blue eyes and made themglow. Maybe try shine?All in all, you’re doing a good job and you’re prose is conveying a slightly more old-fashioned feel, which really suits the era of your story and I think should be seen more in fiction. And don’t feel bad about the teens kissing, it could be that in their world, people get married at a young age. Even on earth, in the Roman empire I’m pretty sure some girls would get married at age 12 (you may want to check that fact because while I’m pretty sure it’s true, I could be wrong.)
What is your story about? Is Kaunon the main character?
I really hope this doesn’t come across as harsh! And all this is purely suggestions!
I recommend showing the heightened emotion rather than telling it so we feel with the character a bit (avoid telling how the characters feel, “He was hurt by her words.” vs. “He bit his lip and turned away.” you can also describe internal sensations, like, “His heart jerked”, and, “His face burned.”) unless you are going for a slightly more impersonal feel.
My examples are not exemplary but I hope they help as well! Happy writing!😀
We crazy people are the normal ones.
It’s kinda late so I’m a little frazzled and I feel the clock breathing down my neck, but i still really hope this helps!
We crazy people are the normal ones.
@scoutfinch180 Hi! Thanks for the input. I’ll see how I can improve it for sure! 🙂 I’m not really into emotional scenes of this kind but these two have a special relationship, so I wanted to add it. And this is the first draft which is why there may be repeating words, and thank you for mentioning that as I sometimes forget that kind of stuff XD
So, Elenor is a liiiitle mentally unstable and so her only thought is of her brother, and she’s a bit of a selfish sort, as well as sick, and Thado and Kaunon almost hate each other, hence the stiffness you (hopefully, if I did my job) caught, so he isn’t gonna tell. Also; Alinna is not on good terms with Thado for personal reasons unknown to the rest of the family. (it has to do with him being very selfish and running away from Elenor to hide out of fear because he can’t protect her from their enemies. (he’s a selfish guy, but he’s working on it XD happens to be current charrie arc taking its time *breaths out through clenched teeth * XD (also, this is starts in the middle of a scene I cut out of the beginning because I was worried it would be too much to read).
And about Alinna screeching, you are correct that it is part of her character; she’s slightly flighty, rather emotional around close friends but rude and cold around most people. And she is very immature in some ways, she’s barely sixteen here, ( i know, young but there are extenuating circumstances here lol) You’re definitely right about the previous scene taking away from it, thanks for pointing it out 🙂
And the blur of movement is definitely confusing, idk why I use it so much but it has popped up frequently in my stories, my friends have mentioned. XD that and going red are two things I hate using but automatically go to XD
Yes, I do want the emotion to be potent, and I am far cry from good at doing that XD
I like your suggestions and will see how I can improve my scene with them in mind! 🙂
Alinna is pretty much a princess, and the romance has been known to all there since they first went to school together at the ages of 13 and 14 XD so the childhood sweetheart deal I suppose.
And yes, I should probably take out Ayerna’s thoughts.
As far as reactions; they are literally the highest-ranking noble people in their world, and so they are very sophisticated and wouldn’t say anything unless they considered something happening was inappropriate or evil. XD
Yes! Kaunon is one of the MCs, as is Alinna, and the reason their romance is kinda special to me is that the parents on both sides are some of the first romances I ever did XD the story is a sequel to a series spanning many years with the theme of helping reestablish peace across the world, and learning that your ancestors decisions do not make yours. The peacemaker task first fell to Alinna’s parents, Gaol and Dilia (if you’d like to read their first meeting I can post it here, if not I totally understand XD)
And don’t worry, they weren’t harsh, they were honest 🙂
your suggestions were very helpful! Always glad for input.
And yeah, I wanna go for a more old-fashioned prose while keeping it easy to read and understandable. I’m glad you like it!
Yeah the clock threatens me too. XD it’s like, past ten in the evening here XD
Well, thank you so so much for the input and I shall see how to implement the advice and thanks for being honest!
🙂
I'm 'a homeschooler' because cookie-making writing artistic animal-whisperer isn't a job title
You’re welcome! I’m so glad it helped!
You’re story sounds very interesting… what happened to give Kaunon the scars?
Feel free to post the first meeting if you want!
We crazy people are the normal ones.
Kaunon has gotten into many scrape and mostly to save dear little Alinna and both of them get into trouble… they’re royals kids, they have little experience with real life outside their homes… the ones you n his face are from protecting Alinna and his friends from a nasty dragon/monster
and here is the first meeting of Alinna’s parents.
Gaol is more pessimistic and reserved and distrusting and generally very blunt.
You shall find out about Dilia 😂
Gaol kept flying north, and after a few hours of steady flight, passed the mountains, and was driven further northwards by a raging wind. To his utter shock, he saw a flat, luscious green land that looked as though winter had forgotten this part of the world. It was late October everywhere else, but it looked like it was July here.
He landed quietly in a clearing of an apple tree forest, and ran to eat the apples. Just as he reached out to touch one, however, something in his head whispered “Don’t do it!” and he resisted the temptation. He sighed wistfully, and then kept walking.
“Smart creature.” A voice said above him, and it was followed by a pretty laugh that sounded fresh and new as spring.
Gaol looked up with a frown, and then to his utter shock, saw a girl, or, what looked like a girl, perched in one of the huge apple trees like a bird.
“Why thank you! Not many would share your opinion, m’lady.”
“Why?” the girl cocked her head, and swept a lock of shining, long, red hair out her face, tucking it behind her ear.
“I have found not many appreciate the eloquence the Elphins are taught.”
“Ohhh, so that’s why you talk funny!” the girl said with a giggle, and then swung out of the tree with as much ease as a monkey.
A pretty monkey. Gaol thought.
The girl landed on her feet, and then walked towards Gaol, without a hint of wariness or fear. “You are strange!” She exclaimed as she poked his armor and his hunting gear, and then, to his discomfort, started poking his arm, as though to see if his skin was as ashy white as it looked.
“Um… If you don’t mind, m’lady, it is rather uncomfortable to have you poking me. I am not accustomed to it.” Gaol said, shifting uncomfortably.
The girl instantly withdrew her hand. “Oh, sorry. Who are you?” She asked, looking at him intently with brown eyes that almost shone red in the glowing, warm sunlight.
“I am Gaol, and I am looking for Death Valley.”
The girl’s smile faded. “Death Valley? Near the dwelling place of Drigdor? Why?”
“To find Tara’s helper, I need their help.”
“Well, I can bring you to Drigdor, he is Tara’s helper. But Death Valley is a cursed, evil place, and I will not set foot in it for any riches.”
“You know of Tara’s helper?! Really? Can you bring me to him?”
The girl looked at him with uncertainty written on her freckled face. “I would, but that is up to the council.”
Gaol moaned, “Not another council!”
“What do you mean?”
“The last time I was discussed by a council, I was banished.”
“Oh. Well, I won’t ask you anymore, come on! I want to show you to Da! Maybe he’ll let me keep you!” The girl grabbed his hand, and began leading him down a little path that Gaol had not noticed before. The plants and smaller tree limbs seemed to clear out of the girl’s way, then they swung back to their original positions. The Mountain Ash trees in particular smacked their branches into Gaol’s face.
“Um, what is your name?”
“Dilia. I’m a Brennava.”
“Ahh, so, Dilia, could you get the trees to stop smacking me?”
Dilia looked back at him, without missing a beat, and shrugged as she hopped over an exposed root in the way of her path. “If the trees don’t like you that’s their business.” she kept going, dodging tree roots, and skipping over stones like a little elf.
“Oh boy. This’ll be good.” Gaol muttered, “I’m gonna be a pet.”
Soon they exited the apple tree forest, and were out on an open plain of long, silky grass that was green as emeralds. They kept running, and Dilia didn’t seem to be tiring at all.
Suddenly Dilia, without warning, hopped down a hole, a door of sorts in the earth, hidden by the tall grass. Gaol followed her with a yelp as he hit his backside on a rock just outside the tunnel door. They slid about twenty feet, and then Dilia hopped out onto her feet, and moved to the side as she waited for her creature to come.
A tall man sat polishing a saddle of sorts, and looked up as Dilia bounded in full of chatter of something she’d found and wanted as a pet.
“What have you found, Dilia? A garter snake?” He asked with a chuckle. Then he jumped to his feet, as Gaol came thumping down the tunnel with about as much grace as a boulder down a mountain. Gaol landed more or less on his head, along with about five gallons-worth of dirt and debris, and then righted himself, nearly kicking the man in the face as he jerked his legs down and did a jump-stand from his laying on his back.
Gaol stood up, somewhat confused, then shook his head, shaking dirt out of his hair, and brushed off his clothes. He brushed the dirt off his trousers, muttering something in Northern Speech.
“No, this! It’s a Gaol!” Dilia said, and brushed the last of the dirt off of Gaol’s sleeves, as though to make him as presentable as possible.
“ ‘This’? Where did you find ‘this’?” the man asked in amazement, and looked at Dilia who was hopping up and down in excitement. “It flew out of the sky, Da! it’s some kind of bird called a Gaol! Can I keep it?”
“No, Dilia. It’s not a bird, he is a boy.”
Gaol found to his shock that he could understand him. It was a dialect of the Northern Speech that the Elphins spoke, and close enough he could make out what the man was saying.
Dilia looked dreadfully disappointed. “So… I can’t keep it? I thought you said if it had wings it was fine to keep!”
“He doesn’t have wings, love, and no, you can’t keep him.”
“Yes Da.” Dilia said, looking very crestfallen, and like she wanted to protest, but she didn’t.
I'm 'a homeschooler' because cookie-making writing artistic animal-whisperer isn't a job title
Kaunon has been into a lot of scrape and survived by the skin of his teeth, the scares are from fire battles and a nasty sand dragon that tried to eat him and when that didn’t work it tried to crush him 😂
here is the meeting of Alinnas parents
Gaol kept flying north, and after a few hours of steady flight, passed the mountains, and was driven further northwards by a raging wind. To his utter shock, he saw a flat, luscious green land that looked as though winter had forgotten this part of the world. It was late October everywhere else, but it looked like it was July here.
He landed quietly in a clearing of an apple tree forest, and ran to eat the apples. Just as he reached out to touch one, however, something in his head whispered “Don’t do it!” and he resisted the temptation. He sighed wistfully, and then kept walking.
“Smart creature.” A voice said above him, and it was followed by a pretty laugh that sounded fresh and new as spring.
Gaol looked up with a frown, and then to his utter shock, saw a girl, or, what looked like a girl, perched in one of the huge apple trees like a bird.
“Why thank you! Not many would share your opinion, m’lady.”
“Why?” the girl cocked her head, and swept a lock of shining, long, red hair out her face, tucking it behind her ear.
“I have found not many appreciate the eloquence the Elphins are taught.”
“Ohhh, so that’s why you talk funny!” the girl said with a giggle, and then swung out of the tree with as much ease as a monkey.
A pretty monkey. Gaol thought.
The girl landed on her feet, and then walked towards Gaol, without a hint of wariness or fear. “You are strange!” She exclaimed as she poked his armor and his hunting gear, and then, to his discomfort, started poking his arm, as though to see if his skin was as ashy white as it looked.
“Um… If you don’t mind, m’lady, it is rather uncomfortable to have you poking me. I am not accustomed to it.” Gaol said, shifting uncomfortably.
The girl instantly withdrew her hand. “Oh, sorry. Who are you?” She asked, looking at him intently with brown eyes that almost shone red in the glowing, warm sunlight.
“I am Gaol, and I am looking for Death Valley.”
The girl’s smile faded. “Death Valley? Near the dwelling place of Drigdor? Why?”
“To find Tara’s helper, I need their help.”
“Well, I can bring you to Drigdor, he is Tara’s helper. But Death Valley is a cursed, evil place, and I will not set foot in it for any riches.”
“You know of Tara’s helper?! Really? Can you bring me to him?”
The girl looked at him with uncertainty written on her freckled face. “I would, but that is up to the council.”
Gaol moaned, “Not another council!”
“What do you mean?”
“The last time I was discussed by a council, I was banished.”
“Oh. Well, I won’t ask you anymore, come on! I want to show you to Da! Maybe he’ll let me keep you!” The girl grabbed his hand, and began leading him down a little path that Gaol had not noticed before. The plants and smaller tree limbs seemed to clear out of the girl’s way, then they swung back to their original positions. The Mountain Ash trees in particular smacked their branches into Gaol’s face.
“Um, what is your name?”
“Dilia. I’m a Brennava.”
“Ahh, so, Dilia, could you get the trees to stop smacking me?”
Dilia looked back at him, without missing a beat, and shrugged as she hopped over an exposed root in the way of her path. “If the trees don’t like you that’s their business.” she kept going, dodging tree roots, and skipping over stones like a little elf.
“Oh boy. This’ll be good.” Gaol muttered, “I’m gonna be a pet.”
Soon they exited the apple tree forest, and were out on an open plain of long, silky grass that was green as emeralds. They kept running, and Dilia didn’t seem to be tiring at all.
Suddenly Dilia, without warning, hopped down a hole, a door of sorts in the earth, hidden by the tall grass. Gaol followed her with a yelp as he hit his backside on a rock just outside the tunnel door. They slid about twenty feet, and then Dilia hopped out onto her feet, and moved to the side as she waited for her creature to come.
A tall man sat polishing a saddle of sorts, and looked up as Dilia bounded in full of chatter of something she’d found and wanted as a pet.
“What have you found, Dilia? A garter snake?” He asked with a chuckle. Then he jumped to his feet, as Gaol came thumping down the tunnel with about as much grace as a boulder down a mountain. Gaol landed more or less on his head, along with about five gallons-worth of dirt and debris, and then righted himself, nearly kicking the man in the face as he jerked his legs down and did a jump-stand from his laying on his back.
Gaol stood up, somewhat confused, then shook his head, shaking dirt out of his hair, and brushed off his clothes. He brushed the dirt off his trousers, muttering something in Northern Speech.
“No, this! It’s a Gaol!” Dilia said, and brushed the last of the dirt off of Gaol’s sleeves, as though to make him as presentable as possible.
“ ‘This’? Where did you find ‘this’?” the man asked in amazement, and looked at Dilia who was hopping up and down in excitement. “It flew out of the sky, Da! it’s some kind of bird called a Gaol! Can I keep it?”
“No, Dilia. It’s not a bird, he is a boy.”
Gaol found to his shock that he could understand him. It was a dialect of the Northern Speech that the Elphins spoke, and close enough he could make out what the man was saying.
Dilia looked dreadfully disappointed. “So… I can’t keep it? I thought you said if it had wings it was fine to keep!”
“He doesn’t have wings, love, and no, you can’t keep him.”
“Yes Da.” Dilia said, looking very crestfallen, and like she wanted to protest, but she didn’t.
I'm 'a homeschooler' because cookie-making writing artistic animal-whisperer isn't a job title
Like I said it’s first draft so there are repeated word choices like utter shock XD
I'm 'a homeschooler' because cookie-making writing artistic animal-whisperer isn't a job title
Hmmm….Honestly, romance subplots show up a LOT in my stories….but I think you guys have better suggestions than me. And @elfwing, just a question, was the character Gaol flying in his own right, like with wings or something, or did he have like a wingsuit or a glider or something he was wearing or riding?
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
This was interesting. I loved it. Well written, I had a good idea of the scene and the atmosphere, and even while knowing not much abt your characters, I had a good idea of their personalities. One thing that I think would be helpful here would be (like scoutfinch suggested) a dip into emotion regarding Kaunon. Maybe show a bit more of what he feels throughout the scene. I was missing just a little of his drive, his passion. That’s all, no insult to your story, I think it was great, not too long a scene (or kiss) and I’m intrigued.
@elfwing Cool! Bird wings, or dragon?
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
@keilah-h silvery-white shimmery owl wings that can cloak him somewhat with the reflection from his special feathers.
I'm 'a homeschooler' because cookie-making writing artistic animal-whisperer isn't a job title
@elfwing Cool, like a Light Fury’s (From How to Train Your Dragon). So he’s Alinna’s father? Does she have a power like that too?
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
I’m probably later at answering in this thread than Kaunon in returning home. But I love this scene so much! First Kaunon makes the rounds among his different family members. And him reuniting with his parents is really heartwarming. But the kiss that he shared with Alinna is literally the best! Hope you have more heartwarming moments like this between them! Also where is Kaunon coming back from?
hehe yes, and yes, Alinna has inherited them.
@precious-y Aw I’m so glad you like it!!!Um… well he’s been away across the country and it’s not revealed til later in the story where exactly he’s been. Needless to say, he’s been pretty beaten up several times and is glad to be back. XD
I'm 'a homeschooler' because cookie-making writing artistic animal-whisperer isn't a job title
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