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AHHHHH! This was SO good girl! I don’t have any suggestions. I read the first draft before scrolling down and seeing you posted a second draft (*facepalm*) buuuut, I didn’t see ANYTHING wrong, your writing is SO much better than anything I could do. FANTASTIC JOB, my friend!
also… this bAbY, I’ve heard a little bit about him… *ahem* where might I hear morrrrre???I rolled the log over and underneath was a tiny little stick and I was like, "That log had a child
@starshiness Nice job!! I read the new one.
I’ll have to read it over in more detail to see if there was anything that needed correcting.
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
@starshiness Wow!! This sounds like quite the journey!
I love the whole story. The way you present it, your writing style, your vocabulary, it is amazing! Got to say that I am genuinely curious and need to know more about Raven. Does she make it to the healer? Does the healer even have what she needs?
Keep writing! Hope that you do something with your story later. This is good and needs to be shared!
@euodia-vision bahah I kinda had a feeling that would happen, it’s fine 😂 Awww tysm!! <3
(Pssssst, if you check the ships forums on the first page, I’ve got a couple blurbs about him 👀. And then I also just made a post about him in the “characters for my WIP” forum too!)
@keilah-h Thank you! Okii 👍🏽
@janellebelovedpig Yess, it really is
@autumnlily Aw I’m so glad it resonated with you!! Yes ma’am you better believe there’s more of this story to come, and pretty soon at that 😉I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.
Chapter Twooooooooo is here!
Some tags: @freedomwriter76 @esther-c @euodia-vision @janellebelovedpig @keilah-h @godlyfantasy12 @acancello @landric
~~~
After what seemed an eternity, Willow returned with Celest, the apothecary. To Raven’s dismay, the older woman examined her patient in total silence, making no sounds, no comments, giving no indication of just how serious she deemed the illness to be.
In her state of suspended anticipation, an unsolicited thought crossed her mind. Were her parents tended by a healer in their illness? Raven couldn’t remember. Likely not… surely if they had been they would have recovered.
Finally, as the minutes dragged on, she could stand it no more. “Will she be all right?” Raven blurted. “Can you do something for her?”
Celest studied Raven before replying softly. “It is as I feared; your grandmother has contracted Hathiat, a sickness often seen in these parts, although very little is known about it. It seizes its victims at random, with no apparent cause. None of our medicines have any effect on it, even though it is so common. I’m afraid, my dear, that this disease… cannot be treated.”
Raven’s mind took a staggering step back. “What?”
Willow let out a wail from behind them and dissolved into tears at her Grandmother’s side.
“You mean… you mean she’s going to die.” The words sounded so callus, so sharp coming from own her mouth in such bland tones.
Celest shook her head, pityingly. “I’m afraid so, child. It happens to us all, at one time or another. Your grandmother lived a good long life, and perhaps—”
“But isn’t there anything we can do? Anything at all?” Raven cried.
The apothecary started to shake her head, then hesitated. “There might… oh, but it’s so far.” Her last words were murmured underneath her breath, so low Raven had to strain to make them out.
“Celest.” Raven’s stare was obvious with its message.
The healer pursed her lips, obviously unwilling to repeat whatever she had mistakenly said.
Raven would not be deterred. “Celest,” she repeated, “you cannot keep this from me. What are you saying?”
Celest replied haltingly. “There is a wise old healer… Master Skosior, who is reputed to be very knowledgeable about all kinds of diseases. He might know of a cure but… he lives in Parousia.”
Parousia. She’d heard the name but once, referenced by a villager. It was far; that much she knew. Raven’s mind clouded with worry. How would she ever be able to get there?
The apothecary could apparently discern what Raven was thinking and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. “It would be nearly impossible for you to make it, child, I understand. But we can at least do our best to keep the fever down, and maybe—”
“There is a possibility that he could help Grandmama? Could he really have a cure?”
Celest nodded tentatively, “It is possible… I myself have never met the man but others have claimed he’s a miracle worker. But Parousia is far into the middle of Arnathea—a distance close to 200 miles! Not to mention that in order to get there on time you would have to cross through hostile Nipary Wood, simply teeming with marauders and outlaws! How would you even—”
“I’m going. I have to, Celest.” Raven’s voice nearly broke with emotion. “If we lose Grandmama, we have nothing left.”
The earnest but determined look in Raven’s eyes was enough to convince Celest that it would be useless to argue. The elderly woman bobbed her head uneasily. “Yes, I suppose you must. You will need to know how to get there, I suppose, and what you’re looking for.”
Raven swallowed her uneasiness and answered with a nod. Celest looked her in the eye and said gravely, “If you do find that Master Skosior is able to provide a cure, you must be back within two weeks. No victim of the Hathiat has ever survived longer than that once the rash begins to spread.” She cleared her throat. “Bring me a piece of parchment and something to write with.”
Raven obeyed and paid keen attention as Celest sketched a rough map.
“To get to Parousia you must follow the northeastern path from town. Other healers and traders I’ve spoken with in the past all claim it is the quickest route and the only one that can get you there in under a fortnight.” She rolled up the parchment and pressed it into Raven’s hands. “The journey is straightforward, no treacherous twists or turns, simply keep to the path and you will arrive safely, if…” Her voice quieted. “If you are not beset upon by the thieves of Nipary.”
Brushing aside Celest’s ominous warning, Raven queried, “Once I have reached Parousia, how will I find Master Skosior?”
“His hut will be in the very center of the city. A large stone marker issued by the Healer’s Guild has been placed before his home, affording him some measure of fame. Ask anyone in the twon and you will have no trouble finding him.”
Raven nodded, her brow furrowed. “I’ll saddle Ryn and ride immediately into town to obtain provisions. It’s too late in the day to leave now… I’ll stay the night in an inn so I can leave directly tomorrow morning.” She turned and, noting her sister’s fearful expression, clasped her hands warmly. “Take care of Grandmama, Willow, and don’t worry, I’ll be back soon.”
Willow’s lower lip trembled and after a murmured consent, she tearfully fell into her sister’s embrace.
Celest shook her head sadly and, wrapping her shawl around her shoulders, prepared to leave. “I wish you the best, dear girl. I take my leave now but will be sure to drop in over the next few days. The village women will be by as well, I’m sure, to offer whatever assistance they can.”
Raven nodded numbly and thanked the apothecary. Her sister still wept in her arms and it took all of Raven’s strength not to join her pitiful sobbing.
~*~
Raven rode out at first light, having bought and packed the necessary supplies the night before. Her unexpected arrival in town had turned quite a few heads, for a village as small as Arundelle hosted few novel happenings. But apparently word spread of what tragedy had befallen the occupants of the little cottage in the forest and Raven soon noticed a change in the townspeople’s attitude toward her. Rather than slighting her and whispering behind her back like they normally did on her rare trips to town, the villagers instead shook their heads and stared at Raven with pity in their eyes. Snatches of conversation reached her ears, murmured condolences for the ‘poor children, all alone in this world.’
Their actions, supposedly out of sympathy, had the opposite effect on Raven. I don’t want your pity, she had countered silently. My grandmother is not going to die, she’s going to get well, and we will be just fine. Don’t waste your sympathy on those who don’t need it, just go back to forgetting we exist… Looking back, Raven was glad she hadn’t said the rash words aloud.
As she urged Ryn into a gallop, Raven calculated in her mind how long it would take to reach Parousia. If she rode hard and stopped minimally, the journey could be made in four to five days, with the return trip the same length of time. That should give her plenty of time to meet with the old healer and hopefully obtain a cure, and be back before the deadline was up.
But despite this reassurance, something told Raven that her journey would not be quite so easy.
~*~
Much to her relief, the first day passed uneventfully. Raven was able to follow the path without difficulty and soon got used to the continual rocking motion of being on horseback for hours at a time. The second day, however, she was met with an incident that would change the whole course of her journey.
The sun was just drifting beyond the horizon when the sound of a maiden’s terrified cry pierced the silence, quickly followed by the angry growl of a wild beast. Raven reined her horse to a halt, furtively scanning the terrain ahead. The forest no longer seemed as harmless as it had only moments before. Wary of the maze of trees and bushes that concealed this new source of danger, she eased her horse into a walk. Then at the sound of a soft whimper coming from directly to her left, Raven dismounted and seized her bow. Silently, she crept forward and peered through the leaves of a tall shrub.
A teenaged girl was clinging to the rickety branch of a dead tree with a monstrous boar snapping at her ankles from below. It snarled, scrabbling at the base of the tree with its massive paws. The girl, trembling from fear, desperately tried to scramble farther up the ivy-covered trunk. An ominous crack rent the air as one of the branches her foot rested on suddenly snapped.
Instinctively, Raven stepped into view and, whipping an arrow through her bowstring, sent it hurtling through the air. The barbed shaft plunged deep into the animal’s hide, causing the boar to let out an ear-splitting screech and collapse to the ground. A few moments later, the girl unceremoniously dropped from the tree, panting, her hand dramatically clasped over her heart as if trying to slow its furious pace.
Her eyes then found Raven amid the greenery. “You saved my life! How can I ever thank you! If you hadn’t come along, I would doubtless have found myself a boar’s supper.”
Raven could feel her cheeks flush and responded quickly. “Anyone would’ve done the same; I’m glad I happened by at the time. How did you happen to be cornered by that boar? Are you traveling alone?”
The girl’s eyes clouded and she fumbled over her words. “I—yes, I am alone. Traveling alone, that is. Headed south—North! Yes north, and I am traveling north because…” Gathering herself, she gave a disarming smile and recited, “I am on my way to visit family who live up north. Or rather I was, before my journey was so rudely interrupted.” Her smile shifted to an amused expression. “My horse, carrying all my supplies, was spooked by the boar and after throwing me to the ground, ran off. He could be anywhere by now, and so it seems I am stranded.”
Her lack of concern at being completely alone in a hostile setting and without any supplies or means of transportation seemed somewhat odd to Raven… nonetheless, she did not voice her doubts. “I see. Well, I happen to be going northward for a bit, and you are welcome to travel with me if you wish. My name is Raven.”
“And I am Mariah. I would be immensely grateful to have the pleasure of traveling with you.”
She sounded quite refined with her courtly vocabulary and faint accent. Raven studied Mariah interestedly. The girl was perhaps two or three years younger than Raven with similar features: dark hair, brown eyes, same height and build. Her hair was pulled to the side in an intricately woven braid, and she was clothed in a rich-looking dress made of. . . was it silk? She certainly didn’t look like an average traveler.
Growing uneasy under Raven’s scrutinizing eye, Mariah quickly inquired, “Will you be traveling further tonight?”
Taking a quick glance at the late-setting sun, then at her disheveled companion, Raven shook her head. “No, I believe I’ll make camp for the night. I passed a stream a little ways back. We can fill the canteens and wash up there. Then I believe some supper is in order.”
They strolled along at a leisurely pace, and Raven tried to get to know her new companion. But although quite pleasant and chatty, Mariah seemed reluctant to tell much of anything about herself. Raven couldn’t even discover where exactly she was going, other than a vague “northward.” The girls soon found themselves at a shallow brook where clear, sparkling water tripped over moss-coated stones. Raven splashed the cool liquid onto her dusty face, content to let the droplets trickle slowly down her cheeks as water gurgled into her canteen. Mariah looked down at the water and let out a surprised gasp at what she saw.
“Raven! Look at our reflections in the water!”
Raven did so but couldn’t discern Mariah’s cause for excitement. “What is it?”
“Can’t you see? Look closer!”
Narrowing her eyes, Raven studied the surface of the water once more. She looked at Mariah, puzzled.
“I still don’t—”
“Look at our faces! You and I look so similar, we could be twins!” At first, her voice held astonishment, but it was soon replaced with such mounting enthusiasm that Raven couldn’t understand why her companion was so thrilled with the idea.
There was a resemblance between them, she admitted; both had the same complexion, hair and eye color, build, even face shape. “I suppose we do look somewhat alike…”
“Not just alike, more like exact replicas!” She cried.
Raven laughed. “I wouldn’t go that far.”
“No, it’s true! I bet that if you pulled your hair back like this,” Her fingers flew as she twined Raven’s dark hair into an elaborate plait that matched her own. She draped it over Raven’s right shoulder and sat back, gazing into the water. “See? We look exactly… alike.” Her voice fell and the smile faded from her lips. She laughed humorlessly. “Imagine that…”
Raven wrinkled her brow, noting the troubled expression on Mariah’s usually cheerful face. “Is something wrong?”
Mariah flashed a wilted smile. “Oh no. I just, I mean, I have this terrible headache and I’m extremely tired, so if you don’t mind, I think I’ll head back to camp to get some rest.” She scurried off before Raven had a chance to comment.
Raven frowned and stared after her, completely baffled by this sudden transformation of attitude. One minute Mariah was all smiles, and the next… Could she be hiding something? Why was she being so secretive about herself? Raven shivered uneasily. Something about this girl was just not right.
~*~
Raven returned to camp to find Mariah curled up under a tree, apparently fast asleep. With her appetite suddenly diminished, Raven found she had nothing better to do than to bed down for the night. She laid back on her bedroll, with one arm pillowed behind her and, gazing up into the black-and-blue wonder of night, her mind wandered back to the modest little cabin that lay miles behind her. Could Willow see the same stars from where she was back home?
Home.
Who knew how comforting a single word could be… Raven soon drifted off to sleep, but not before a few stray tears watered the ground beneath her…
I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.
@starshiness Nice! I’m liking it so far!
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
Thank you for tagging me and please keep doing so!! This is really great! Your vocabulary and wording is spot on. Your characters are really great too and I love all of their names. Any reasoning behind the names you chose?
My only critique might be that events seem to be playing out a little quickly, but that might be okay depending on the feel you go for. *shrugs* Anyway, great work!!"To death or to victory"
YAY! I love this so much!
I rolled the log over and underneath was a tiny little stick and I was like, "That log had a child
I love this!!
The only critique I have is that I feel like things are happening kinda fast. But you know your story and I don’t. So maybe it is the way you want it. 😊
Anyway, keep ‘em coming!!
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
@keilah-h @euodia-vision THANK Y’ALL SM!!!!!!!! <3<3
@landric Ahhh thank you! Actually, you get the full story of how Raven received her name in a later chapter, so hang tight for that 😉. For Willow’s name, I thought about what a willow tree would look like if it were a person and voila! Honestly, a lot of the other names just sounded “right” to me haha… Keston sounds like a blue-eyed, blonde haired guy, Celeste sounds like a healer, Mariah sounds like… uhhhh… I don’t want to give any spoilers haha so nvm that lol!
@esther-c @landric AUGH YOU GUYS ARE SO RIGHT THO!Back when I first started drafting this two years ago, I had the problem of not taking enough time to fully flesh out a scene and instead would just move forward with what’s happening. Sooo the first two and even three chapters are a little fast-paced, and I’ve been trying to think about where to slow it down and add more detail but because I’m so familiar with the manuscript but it’s somewhat difficult! Certain scenes have already been fleshed out but I haven’t done much at all of that in this chapter… so if I could ask y’all for some advice, which scenes in particular do you think could be slowed down or written in more detail? Should I write something about her first day of travelling? Should I add more of an interaction with Mariah? Have them travel some ways together before camping out…? Any suggestions from anyone would be much appreciated!!!
I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.
Hm…
Well, it may not necessarily need to be slowed down. I guess it depends on the pacing of the rest of the story and what’s going to happen next.
If you were to take some more time on something, I’d say talk about Raven’s first day of traveling more. I’d like to know how she felt as she travels farther away from home. Like, I already kinda figured it out because of what was said before she left and as she went to sleep on the second night, but I think it would be good to know more. That may balance out the pacing more. But I am definitely no expert on pacing because I struggling with pacing A LOT, so take my advice with a grain of salt. 😉
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
@starshiness You’re welcome!
"When in doubt, eat cheese crackers."-me to my charries who don't even know about cheese crackers
Sorry it took me so long to respond. I love it! I do agree with Esther, that it is going a bit fast, but I could perfectly understand everything that was going on. Its amazing and I hope you keep adding on!
"Would you kindly...?"
Ohh, you’re a really good writer!! You’ve got me hooked!!
Also, I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m Bridget, but for short, you can call me the High Scribe of Aetherium. I write fantasy and this ridiculous brain of mine won’t stop pumping out new (very distracting) WIP ideas. I can’t find the ‘off’ switch. Anyway, see ya around!!
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