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OK SO! I know where I’m posting this might be A BIT WEIRD BUT HEAR ME OUT!!!!
So as of rn my second book in fantasy series, (the second book is Project DM) has a looong poem in it. I have just gone back and revised the poem and when I finished I was kinda blown away ngl, and I really like it so I wanted to share it with y’all! So this is kinda a post to share it, get some tips and feedback to see what y’all think and also some critiques from those who know better then I about poetry XD.
But yea!
Its like a 3 paragraph poem and then like…
another 3 phrases at the end (you’ll understand when you read it XD)
Anyway I really like it now a lot better then before, but obviously still needs work (I still have to write another draft 1 for this book. I’m considering my other draft 1’s for this book zero drafts because they all included beginnings that are no longer even relevant anymore so yeaaa.
ANYWAY here we go! My poem!
O’ Ring the bell!
Call out the clowns!
Tis time to fly on wings of doubt,
And float upon the breeze of bliss, forgetting all the things you’ll miss. Don’t fear the things that lie ahead, the dangers, darkness, fear and dread. Doth not matter what you feel, for all that matters is what you see; the past mistakes or future be, which you live is up to thee? So which one, which one will it be?
O’ Ring the bell!
Call out the clowns!
Tis time to fly on wings of doubt,
The fire blooms with a rage, heated words and licking flames. Bruises beating soul and heart, made for this you were not. Slowly, slowly, burning thin. The wax is melting on your wick. Sticks and stones and oh, chagrin, the little candle flame won’t win. No, don’t go out, don’t lose your heart, for it is needed in the dark.
O’ Ring the bell!
Call out the clowns!
Tis time to fly on wings of doubt,
Raven tears fall from the sky. Like the rain, lightning strikes.
Broken wings and shattered dreams, Pitch black, blind with rage, but still a spark; Rebellion remains. Enough to quench a beggar’s thirst, and to save a lost, and dying world. But can it save a broken heart, that has been soaked in blood and loss?
O’ Ring the bell!
Call out the clowns!
Tis time to fly on wings of doubt,
The crowd has called, the spotlight’s on. Your moment’s here, go on, go on! Don’t worry, I’ve got you, I won’t let you fall, for I have been here since the start of it all! I am your friend…you can trust me….
but be wary, for soon you will see….
Some are born clowns. And some are made to be.
Soooo what do you think? Gonna tag some ppl
@kathleenramm @koshka @keilah-h @elanor @jodi-maile @scripter-of-kingdoms @morgan @elishavet-pidyon @annabelle @avacoulter @faith-q @power @devastate-lasting @not-so-secret-secret-assassin @joy-caroline @mkfairygirl @abigail-m @autumn-rebecca @e-k-seaver @daisy-torres @gracie-j @libby @kayleigh-idea @r-m-archer @maryg3 @scoutfinch180 @writerlexi1216 @anatra23@issawriter7 @elfwing @lydia-s @anyone I’ve forgotten#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSeb@godlyfantasy12 Great job! It sounds ominous, is it meant to be?
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
Ooo, I like that last bit.
I can’t exactly see the rhyme and meter as the stanzas are written together in paragraph form, but what I could I enjoyed. Would you mind reposting it in verses (If it was written as such)?
First Grand Historian of Arreth and the Lesser Realms (aka Kitty)
OoooOooOoo, I like it! It sounds so ominously absurd, if that makes sense. (The phrases “clown” and “spotlight” aren’t exactly expected) It reminds me of a character from a play my sister and I started to write (now we realize it’s more of a novel and less of a play, but oh well. XD) who says some profound things in a very cryptic manner that isn’t cryptic at all.
There were a few times the meter seemed to trip, but I don’t know if that’s on purpose or not. Either way, it’s beautiful. Good job!
(Does this belong to Cirque? [if I spelled that right.])
You have listened to fears, child. Come, let me breathe on you... Are you brave again? -Aslan
@koshka @elishavet-pidyon @keilah-h
So to answer some questions it is in paragraph form in the book. The way it posted is pretty much how it is in the draft as of rn.
It is for the Cirque book!
Spotlight and clown are in there because it is in the Cirque book. Hope that sheds some light!
I’m not rlly sure about meters or stanzas or anything. I just try to make things sound good and flow ok. So anything off isn’t rlly purposeful 😂
it can be taken as ominous btw, yes.
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSeb@godlyfantasy12 @koshka Here’s the poem in stanzaic form. (Edit: It appears that the layout go messed up when I posted it. Sorry.)
(Line number)
1 O’ Ring the bell! Call out the clowns! 8 (Syllables in Line/Beats) A (Rhyme Scheme)
Tis time to fly on wings of doubt, 8 A
And float upon the breeze of bliss, 8 B
forgetting all the things you’ll miss. 8 B
5 Don’t fear the things that lie ahead, 8 C
the dangers, darkness, fear and dread. 8 C
Doth not matter what you feel, 7 D
for all that matters is what you see; 9 E
the past mistakes or future be, 8 E
10 which you live is up to thee? 8 E
So which one, which one will it be? 8 E 88 (Total Syllable Count in Stanza)
O’ Ring the bell! Call out the clowns! 8 A
Tis time to fly on wings of doubt, 8 A
The fire blooms with a rage, 6 B
15 heated words and licking flames. 7 B
Bruises beating soul and heart, 7 C
made for this you were not. 6 C?
Slowly, slowly, burning thin. 6 D
The wax is melting on your wick. 8 E
20 Sticks and stones and oh, chagrin, 7 D
the little candle flame won’t win. 8 D
No, don’t go out, don’t lose your heart, 8 D
for it is needed in the dark. 8 C 87
O’ Ring the bell! Call out the clowns! 8 A
25 Tis time to fly on wings of doubt, 8 A
Raven tears fall from the sky. 7 B
Like the rain, lightning strikes. 7 B
Broken wings and shattered dreams, 7 C
Pitch black, blind with rage, 5 D
30 but still a spark; Rebellion remains. 9 E
Enough to quench a beggar’s thirst, 8 F
and to save a lost, and dying world. 9 G
But can it save a broken heart, 8 H
that has been soaked in blood and loss? 8 I 85
35 O’ Ring the bell! Call out the clowns! 8 A
Tis time to fly on wings of doubt, 8 A
The crowd has called, the spotlight’s on. 8 B
Your moment’s here, go on, go on! 8 B
Don’t worry, I’ve got you, 6 C
40 I won’t let you fall, 5 D
for I have been here since the start of it all! 1 D
I am your friend…you can trust me…. 8 E
44 but be wary, for soon you will see…. 8 E 70
You have quite a bit of slant rhyme (Which I like) which can make mapping the rhyme scheme to be a tad hard, so if there is an error im sorry.
It appears that by the end of the poem you have lost over entire line (assuming that the lines have 8 syllables in them.)
It also appears that there are some inconsistencies in rhythm (syllables) in stanzas 2,3, and 4. (Even though lines 7 and 8 don’t have 8 syllables in them, they even eachother out. This is something I have also done before.)
Besides that it looks pretty good. You put a lot of work into that and it shows.
You will love what you spend time with.
And please pardon the terrible grammar and grammatical errors. 🙄 I’m rereading through my post and . . . 😬
You will love what you spend time with.
And please acquit me for being impulsively apologistic. 😳😋
You will love what you spend time with.
Whoa….
Ok so I honestly….don’t rlly get any of that but when you said everything evened out except a few things actual technical poem wise, I’m like….
What…? I…didn’t even try honestly but that makes me so happy! THANK YOU SO MUCH BECAUSE NOW I’M GOING TO GO AND MAKE IT PURPOSEFULLY RIGHT 😂 cuz it pretty much already is!
ahhh that makes me happy!!
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSebtho I am a tad confused what u meant by losing a line at the end??
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSebWhat I meant by “lost over an entire line” is that in stanza 1 you have 11 lines, in stanza 2 you have 12 lines, and in stanza 3 you have 11 lines, but in stanza 4 you only have 9-10 lines (It appears that I may have made a mistake on line 41. It might need to be split between “here” and “since”.) If you look at the syllable count in each of the stanzas, the first 3 have over 80 syllables in them, but the last stanza only has 70. This probably come from there being 4 (I am counting line 41 as 2 lines) very short lines, and the stanza having 1 line (or 2 in case of stanza 2) less than the other stanzas.
I what to make clean that this isn’t technical a problem since the stanzas don’t have to be the same length, but when they are it adds a sense of order and makes the poem runs smoother. (But you might want to take into consideration that humans find things beautiful and interesting when they are actually not symmetrical. Inconsistencies gives more room for interpretation in the poem.)
You will love what you spend time with.
Ok, that makes a lot of sense (I was not a little suspicious.). It’s beautiful, especially the ending.
Meter is often tricky, but you worked it in so well. Have fun with it!
You have listened to fears, child. Come, let me breathe on you... Are you brave again? -Aslan
I read your poem. It’s amazing (better than I could do anyways). I love the use of the repetitive first verses; it sets up such a good, vaguely ominous tone and feels very intentional. I was going to point out some problems with the verses, but it seems @power beat me to it (and also said it a lot better). The first stanza is great and reads perfectly. The second one has some parts that don’t flow, mostly due to having an inconsistent amount of syllables. I think a way to fix it might be to add one or two extra words that don’t change the meaning, like articles (and, the, etc)
“Like the rain, lightning strikes.”
For example I think this verse breaks the flow since it has 6 syllables as opposed to 7 ( I think power made a typo). You could add another word, turning it into “like the rain, the lightning strikes”. I personally feel that it flows a bit better.
I’ll give a few more examples
“The fire blooms with a rage”
Maybe “The fire blooms out with a rage” or “the fire blooms up with a rage”. Either works, but you could use any preposition.
Pitch black, blind with rage
This one’s a bit more complicated. I can’t make any suggestions without changing the meaning, but I think putting a 2-syllable word between ‘pitch black’ and ‘blind with rage’ might fix it.
The last stanza is really good and doesn’t have any noticeable flow problems.
You definitely don’t have to follow my advice if you don’t want or feel like it would compromise the poem. Either way, I hope it helped. Keep making great poems!
Hmm, how shall I emotionally torture my ocs today I wonder...
@thlobsterlover
Oh my gosh thank you soooo much!!!! Because I honestly need help when it comes to “what to actually DO to fix things 😂” so this helps SO MUCH!! Ahhh!! I’ll definitely be taking your suggestions!!!! Thanks!!!
#IfMarcelDiesIRiot
#ProtectMarcel
#ProtectSeb
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